wife loves another man

[on_the_hill]

I think it’s fiction.

 

[josh987654321]

Greetings! This is the Wife here, the topic of this hot conversation! Sheesh, I feel like I’m walking into a pack of hungry wolves.

I love God, my husband, and my kids. I am glad my husband sought an outlet to talk to someone else besides me about this since that is what he needed. This Other we are talking about was family to me when I didn’t have any one else (as a kid… pre-romance days). I don’t feel the need to detail the entire story, but I see now that I dated my dear husband at first as a rebound. He knows that, we’ve talked about that. Bummer that I still feel sadness at the loss of this other friend and have trouble shaking the feeling of being “his girl”. [Your que: Attack!] His family and extended family watched out for me when my own was in peril and I was a teenager roaming around and living in my car! Cheating in any way what so ever (emotionaly, physical) not only would mean I was cheating on my husband and family and GOD, but also practically all of my friends who are also this guys’s family or mutual friends. Not only that, but my band that I love and feel quite fulfilled by. There is no chance in the world that he or I would risk hurting in any small way any of those people. His kids and our kids have been best friends since birth. His wife is one of my dearest friends also.

I do know we are all human and that it must truly appear to be the “near occasion of sin”,
but you must remember that these other people in the group are also dear friends of mine and the Other as well as both our spouses…so while it sounds risky to say that I am going out spending weekends on the road with this other guy, remember that we are packed in a bus with perfectly good middle men who we risk destroying friendships with if we did anything at all in appropriate. One of the girls in the group has asked his wife to be her maid of honor! So we’re not alone, even though our spouses are not always there gigging with us.

I feel conflicted because in honesty, I wish I loved all my friends the way I do this one. I wish him the best in everything - including his marriage - I want him to succeed and never be apart from God and in the end go straight to Heaven. I wouldn’t put him in a risky situation for his sake as well as my own and for the love of my husband, who loves me and I know it well. So many of you have suggested getting him out of my life altogether, but I don’t see the point in throwing out a slew of friendships because of a slew of unfortunate emotions that for eight years and running have not caused any tangible sins. And for the record, any thought of him comes to mind I immediately boot it and confess it as soon as I can. My husband knows this and also believes it to not be the best option to distance ourselves.

So yea, sucky situation huh?! Cheating and annulments and divorces and whatever else have been made mention of are not options or possibilities. I guess I don’t know what I want any of you to say but perhaps advice that does not assume to know the whole picture would be a little more helpful. We’ve read through the ones that make hard set declarations of how things should proceed and neither of us feel they make sense in real life. But any more advice should take into consideration that I am actually not at all going through this without thought or concern for my husband and family, and I pray every day that we can see what to do now. Also that I was a raging ***** who suffered from acute boredom and frustration at doing nothing but wiping butts and cleaning dishes before I was hired to play music with the tightest group around- excuse the french!

Hi OP’s Wife.

I have been reading through this thread and would just like to share with you this passage here -

Matthew 5:27-30

**Marriage

27 You know the commandment which says, “Be faithful in marriage.” 28 But I tell you that if you look at another woman and want her, you are already unfaithful in your thoughts. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, poke it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to end up in hell. 30 If your right hand causes you to sin, chop it off and throw it away! It is better to lose one part of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.**

I believe the answer has already been provided for you in this passage, there is no need to complicate things, find loopholes, excuses or justifications etc, only you can determine whether the above passage is the case or not, it really is as simple as this. The choice is yours.

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[hlewis]

To the OP and wife,

OP,
You say you married her knowing she still had feelings for another and you waited a few years and a few kids before coming to an anonymous forum. See a priest, see a counsellor, talk to your wife.
see a counsellor.

Actually I didn’t know, I don’t think she knew either, I believe that it was something she was in denial of and that denial lasted long enough that we were married before it was truly confronted, it simmered out of sight for years when we weren’t around said guy and has resurfaced.

We do talk about this, we have talked about it a lot and written back and forth a bit. It’s something we’re working on and we’ll work it out.

As for the journal being passive aggressive comment, I disagree, I think these feelings are causing her pain and she doesn’t like talking about it but wants me to know. The journal entries are about how unfortunate and awful the situation is and how it doesn’t seem to go away as much as she wills it.

On_the_hill

You’re clearly looking at this for your own entertainment, “this just gets weirder and weirder” “I think its fiction” Just go watch Jerry Springer if thats what you’re about and leave us alone. I don’t like being treated as a freak show.

 

[stbarnabas2121]

Ok, so I’ve been married for about 6 years, we have three kids who we love. my wife has been in love with this other guy for about 8 1/2 years or so, since before we were even dating. This is something we’ve talked about and struggled with our entire marriage, though the first few years it was more felt than spoken of… I knew going into it that something wasn’t quite right that maybe we needed more time to be sure, but I was in love with her and afraid of losing her too, also she was sure we were ready and I kind of trusted that if she was sure everything would be great.

Everything is great, except she still feels like she’s in love with this other guy, a guy who I now know and like and I trust them both. He’s also married and I think that their marriage could be a mirror image of ours the way things seem. They (my wife and this guy) are really fantastic jazz musicians and were in a band together before we knew each other and dated too, now the last year or so they have reunited musically and have been gigging like three times a week, I know the whole band and they’re great guys and am not worried that anything is going to happen as far as physical romance, kissing or worse., but I know these feelings are there and it sometimes feels like torture when she’s out with the band and I’m home watching the kids, she comes home late at night and I hardly see her weekends, I feel like we have little time together and she has ample time with her band. When we’re together we’re trying to get through stressful stuff and taking care of business and when she’s with them she’s having fun and getting fulfillment from feeling like she’s using her talents.

She keeps a journal and doesn’t mind when I read it, it’s full of her struggles with this unwanted feeling of love for the other guy, most recently she wrote in that they spoke of how things could’ve been had shed not quit their band back in the day and how she felt like it was just code for what might’ve been romantically…

at the moment we’ve basically agreed that she’s tried to stop loving him for all this time and it hasn’t worked, that maybe it’s just not going to happen. So I said just love him and love me, try to love him as a close friend. Just so long as she loves me and stays true to her vows everything will hopefully work out… I just feel like there’s not enough room for the both of us though, and don’t know what to do. If I say she needs to stop singing with them then she’ll be bitter and unfulfilled in that part of her life for sure, she’s wanted this for a long time… So my question is, am I a fool or a loving understanding husband and how do you think I should proceed??? any advice or anyone who’s been through something similar please let me know!

 

[stbarnabas2121]

Ok, so I’ve been married for about 6 years, we have three kids who we love. my wife has been in love with this other guy for about 8 1/2 years or so, since before we were even dating. This is something we’ve talked about and struggled with our entire marriage, though the first few years it was more felt than spoken of… I knew going into it that something wasn’t quite right that maybe we needed more time to be sure, but I was in love with her and afraid of losing her too, also she was sure we were ready and I kind of trusted that if she was sure everything would be great.

Everything is great, except she still feels like she’s in love with this other guy, a guy who I now know and like and I trust them both. He’s also married and I think that their marriage could be a mirror image of ours the way things seem. They (my wife and this guy) are really fantastic jazz musicians and were in a band together before we knew each other and dated too, now the last year or so they have reunited musically and have been gigging like three times a week, I know the whole band and they’re great guys and am not worried that anything is going to happen as far as physical romance, kissing or worse., but I know these feelings are there and it sometimes feels like torture when she’s out with the band and I’m home watching the kids, she comes home late at night and I hardly see her weekends, I feel like we have little time together and she has ample time with her band. When we’re together we’re trying to get through stressful stuff and taking care of business and when she’s with them she’s having fun and getting fulfillment from feeling like she’s using her talents.

She keeps a journal and doesn’t mind when I read it, it’s full of her struggles with this unwanted feeling of love for the other guy, most recently she wrote in that they spoke of how things could’ve been had shed not quit their band back in the day and how she felt like it was just code for what might’ve been romantically…

at the moment we’ve basically agreed that she’s tried to stop loving him for all this time and it hasn’t worked, that maybe it’s just not going to happen. So I said just love him and love me, try to love him as a close friend. Just so long as she loves me and stays true to her vows everything will hopefully work out… I just feel like there’s not enough room for the both of us though, and don’t know what to do. If I say she needs to stop singing with them then she’ll be bitter and unfulfilled in that part of her life for sure, she’s wanted this for a long time… So my question is, am I a fool or a loving understanding husband and how do you think I should proceed??? any advice or anyone who’s been through something similar please let me know!

i been through what you are going through and i understand email me back

 

[on_the_hill]

. I don’t like being treated as a freak show.

Then don’t act like one. You’re saying that your wife is cavorting with a guy in a rock-n-roll band while she leaves you home to watch the children.

Then your wife logs on to give her side of the story but does it through your account instead of registering her own.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Then don’t act like one. You’re saying that your wife is cavorting with a guy in a rock-n-roll band while she leaves you home to watch the children.

Then your wife logs on to give her side of the story but does it through your account instead of registering her own.

Jazz and Rock are completely different. Get your facts straight and start being charitable. If you think the poster is a troll, stop wasting your time and let other people who believe he isn’t post on the thread.

 

[on_the_hill]

Jazz and Rock are completely different. Get your facts straight and start being charitable. If you think the poster is a troll, stop wasting your time and let other people who believe he isn’t post on the thread.

In that case, I shall incommode you no longer.

 

[MJJean]

Actually I didn’t know, I don’t think she knew either, I believe that it was something she was in denial of and that denial lasted long enough that we were married before it was truly confronted, it simmered out of sight for years when we weren’t around said guy and has resurfaced.

We do talk about this, we have talked about it a lot and written back and forth a bit. It’s something we’re working on and we’ll work it out.

As for the journal being passive aggressive comment, I disagree, I think these feelings are causing her pain and she doesn’t like talking about it but wants me to know. The journal entries are about how unfortunate and awful the situation is and how it doesn’t seem to go away as much as she wills it.

On_the_hill

You’re clearly looking at this for your own entertainment, “this just gets weirder and weirder” “I think its fiction” Just go watch Jerry Springer if thats what you’re about and leave us alone. I don’t like being treated as a freak show.

The fact is that you and your wife know now and aren’t choosing to actually do anything about it. You say the feelings resurfaced when said guy entered her life again, yes? Then the logical solution is to have said guy exit her life so she can devote her whole being to you and your children.

Look, I’m a stay at home mother. I know how it is to feel as if you lost your identity, to feel isolated, to feel like you’re drowning and have no outlet. I get it, really. I fully support the idea that fathers stay home with the kids a few times a week so mothers can get a break, talk to adults using full sentences and big words, express themselves artistically etc.

That said, your wife is not only sharing this time with a man she is “in love” with, she is doing so knowing that the situation causes you hurt and anxiety. That is both selfish and cruel. And, the voice of expereince here, if she honestly thinks that she is not damaging her marriage or that she is not in danger of “accidentally” having an affair with this man she is in denial.

The flat out truth is that continuing any kind of a relationship with this man and his family is toxic to her as an individual, to your marriage, and to his marriage. With the facts laid out for her in a very obvious way any reasons she gives to keep this man in your lives is nothing but a bunch of excuses because she simply doesn’t want to let go and no one is going to make her.

There comes a time in life where a woman, as an adult wife and mother, has to understand and accept that part of being a wife and mother is giving yourself wholly to your husband and children and limiting your time outside the home. A day or two a week, for a few hours or so at a time, is one thing. As frequently as you describe your wife being gone doesn’t sound like a married woman taking some time for herself. It sounds like a married woman living a double life. Some of the time as wife and mother, some of the time as single musician in love with and sharing herself with her paramour.

Your wife needs to let this guy go, suck it up, and commit fully in thought and deed to you and the family you have made together. If that means finding a new band and making some new friends, so be it.

 

[Hmgbrd]

** I wouldn’t put him in a risky situation for his sake as well as my own and for the love of my husband, who loves me and I know it well. **

Congratulations! This sounds to me like you already know what you have to do. The fact is that by continuing to pursue a friendship with this man, you** are **putting him and his family in a risky situation. I will pray that you will stand up for your own family, husband, and him & his family by finding the courage to do the right thing by bowing out. I am certain that you and your family will receive many blessings when you choose to follow G-d’s plan for you, your husband and your three children.

God bless you.

 

[LongingSoul]

Mrs hlewis writes:

Cheating in any way what so ever (emotionaly, physical) not only would mean I was cheating on my husband and family and GOD, but also practically all of my friends who are also this guys’s family or mutual friends. Not only that, but my band that I love and feel quite fulfilled by. There is no chance in the world that he or I would risk hurting in any small way any of those people. His kids and our kids have been best friends since birth. His wife is one of my dearest friends also.

My history of the last 10 or so years is of volunteering with a Catholic marriage counselling organisation providing both pre and post marriage education and counselling.

The conviction you speak with above is of course admirable but then pretty much all those who fall into affairs have the same confidence in their own convictions. The problem is that the affair is generally begun in an unguarded moment after a progression of intensifying but suppressed desires. Convictions blow off in the wind so surprisingly easily that we actually sense the shock of it when that the guard slips for whatever reason. It’s a fallacy to put so much responsibility on you convictions to keep you safe from destroying your marriage and family. They solution has to be in practical effort to distance yourself and belief in the marriage promise to ‘reject all other loves’. People do often fall into the trap of keeping a little place in the heart reserved for a ‘first love’ or a ‘true soul mate’. This is a cancer in marriage sad to say. Not giving that over to your husband… even if he doesn’t fill that space for you now, robs you both of the fullness that marriage promises with time and sacrifice.

I’m at a stage where my parents, aunts, uncles etc are all celebrating 50th wedding anniversaries and its such a reassuring thing to witness. At that stage in life priorities are so different. The simmering pleasure of secret loves and fantasies of another ‘alternative’ are irrelevant. Contentment comes from the moments you are in and the relationships with family in the here and now.

You have to realise that the sacrifice in purging your heart of this man now, will show their rewards in time. Holding on to it and thinking you can control it with your honourable convictions will erode you and the life your chose. It’s like any drug of addiction. You think your life will be less without it when in reality its robbing you with the one hand just to be your comfort on the other.

Be wise and God bless.

 

[severus68]

Actually I didn’t know, I don’t think she knew either, I believe that it was something she was in denial of and that denial lasted long enough that we were married before it was truly confronted, it simmered out of sight for years when we weren’t around said guy and has resurfaced.

We do talk about this, we have talked about it a lot and written back and forth a bit. It’s something we’re working on and we’ll work it out.

As for the journal being passive aggressive comment, I disagree, I think these feelings are causing her pain and she doesn’t like talking about it but wants me to know. The journal entries are about how unfortunate and awful the situation is and how it doesn’t seem to go away as much as she wills it.

On_the_hill

You’re clearly looking at this for your own entertainment, “this just gets weirder and weirder” “I think its fiction” Just go watch Jerry Springer if thats what you’re about and leave us alone. I don’t like being treated as a freak show.

Good that you are talking and working things out. Maybe its time to see a priest, counsellor and leave the internet advice? BTW I was not the one who mentioned the journal.
God bless and guide you both.