Wife may want children, but i dont

[Newbie_222]

A long while back, i posted about becoming a Catholic but having a vasectomy a number of years ago.

when my wife and i got civily married, we agreed that neither of us wanted children. i told her that if she ever thought she might want children, then we had better stop the wedding and save alot of heartache. she was completely fine with it, but later on her parents found out that i had a vasectomy, and now they basically hate me.

we are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit there. they do not consider us married because of our civil ceremony, and because they dont consider a marriage valid where children are not wanted. they are very strict Catholics.

i am not invited to their christmas dinner either. her mother absolutely despises me now.

in the past months, i am getting the feeling that my wife may really want children, and me to get a reversal. even though i am still in RICA, my feelings toward having children havent changed.

i cant make myself want kids. i know the church doesnt require a reversal, but i still always am worried about her getting pregnant the 1 in 30,000 cases where a vasectomy doesnt work.

i dont know if it is presure from her parents, or she might actually want kids.

if given the choice to “magically” become fertile again, i would choose not to. how does one change the fact that you dont want children? i know what the church teaches, i just dont seem to be able to make myself want any children at all. there seems to be a big difference between what the church teaches, and what i am really feeling.

alot of me feels safe and secure that i am sterile, but part of me is saying “you should have faith in what the church teaches”.

 

[frogman80]

Are you related to BioCatholic? You both have a very distinct writing style.

 

[frogman80]

Newbie_222:

A long while back, i posted about becoming a Catholic but having a vasectomy a number of years ago.

when my wife and i got civily married, we agreed that neither of us wanted children. i told her that if she ever thought she might want children, then we had better stop the wedding and save alot of heartache. she was completely fine with it, but later on her parents found out that i had a vasectomy, and now they basically hate me.

we are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit there. they do not consider us married because of our civil ceremony, and because they dont consider a marriage valid where children are not wanted. they are very strict Catholics.

i am not invited to their christmas dinner either. her mother absolutely despises me now.

in the past months, i am getting the feeling that my wife may really want children, and me to get a reversal. even though i am still in RICA, my feelings toward having children havent changed.

i cant make myself want kids. i know the church doesnt require a reversal, but i still always am worried about her getting pregnant the 1 in 30,000 cases where a vasectomy doesnt work.

i dont know if it is presure from her parents, or she might actually want kids.

if given the choice to “magically” become fertile again, i would choose not to. how does one change the fact that you dont want children? i know what the church teaches, i just dont seem to be able to make myself want any children at all. there seems to be a big difference between what the church teaches, and what i am really feeling.

alot of me feels safe and secure that i am sterile, but part of me is saying “you should have faith in what the church teaches”.

You have to choose… yourself… or God and His Church. It is your choice. God does not force you to love him… but he wants you to.

 

[Newbie_222]

frogman80:

You have to choose… yourself… or God and His Church. It is your choice. God does not force you to love him… but he wants you to.

Thats exactly it.  I WANT to want to accept the teachings.  If that makes any sense.  But how does one actually go about making themselves do that?  I have never wanted children.  Given that fact, if I were raised a Catholic from birth, I would have probably chosen the single vocation in accordance with the Teachings.  But I am married, so that is not an option now.  I chose to become (or am becoming) a Catholic after-the-fact of being married.  
 I want to want children, but it feels like some part of me is preventing that.  I know I will never have them, but I want to feel like if a miracle happened, I'd be ready to accept it.  My wife really seems like she may want them.  And I am feeling that this might turn into a really big issue.
 I have considered the fact of possibly adoption at some point, but of older children that tend to have a harder time finding good homes.  My wife seems to want them from Day 1.  I feel like if I wanted children too, then we would both be on the same page, instead of being on opposite sides.  Understand? It looks like my Spirit is willing but my Will is weak?  I don't know.

 

[frogman80]

Are you talking about someone else, or are you talking about yourself?

Newbie_222:

That’s exactly it. I WANT to want to accept the teachings. If that makes any sense. But how does one actually go about making themselves do that?

The same way you do anything you want to do in life. You just do it.

Newbie_222:

** I have never wanted children**. Given that fact, if I were raised a Catholic from birth, I would have probably chosen the single vocation in accordance with the Teachings. But I am married, so that is not an option now. I chose to become (or am becoming) a Catholic after-the-fact of being married.

Now you do want children… see:

Newbie_222:

I want to want children, but it feels like some part of me is preventing that. I know I will never have them, but I want to feel like if a miracle happened, I’d be ready to accept it. My wife really seems like she may want them. And I am feeling that this might turn into a really big issue.

I don’t see the dilemma here. You are open to life (minus your vasectomy… which really plays a big role here), and your wife wants children.

Newbie_222:

I have considered the fact of possibly adoption at some point, but of older children that tend to have a harder time finding good homes. My wife seems to want them from Day 1. I feel like if I wanted children too, then we would both be on the same page, instead of being on opposite sides. Understand? It looks like my Spirit is willing but my Will is weak? I don’t know.

Well, do something about it. Make the choice. There is no impossible situation here.

What year did you get your vasectomy?

 

[marcadam]

Newbie_222:

I WANT to want to accept the teachings. If that makes any sense… I want to want children, but it feels like some part of me is preventing that.

It seems like you recognize the truth of the teachings, and yet cannot accept them for some extra-rational reason. Find the name of a good Catholic psychologist, or perhaps a spiritual director who has some experience in psychology.

Something also tells me that the most important relationship you have to fix is the one with your in-laws, especially Mom from what you say. She sounds particularly implacable. Things may thaw a bit when you enter the Church and have your marriage convalidated, or she may pull a full Jonah and be even more upset that you actually come to repent and seek salvation from her Christ… who can say? At any rate, if you make an attempt with her, it will go a long way with your wife.

For yourself, examine your own emotions when you consider the though of having a baby. Is it dread? Do they appear ugly to you? Inhuman? Are you caught up in material concerns? Is it not babies in general but your own that you dread? My suggestion would be to force yourself to spend a little time with some 0 to 3-year-olds, and then reflect on what is “plugging you up” as it were. It doesn’t even have to be direct. Try just sitting behind a family with young kids at church on Sunday. (This of course has the added benefit of allowing you to lift up your prayers about this in the context of the Mass.)

As I final note, I would say that these feelings are not at all uncommon in men. Don’t be alarmed, or hate yourself for not being able to magically summon up feelings that you simply don’t have. I would worry more about the dread that you may or may not have.

God Bless. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[KittyKat]

I think adoption is a great idea.

Is it possible that they can’t accept you cause you are with their daughter and you aren’t the person they had in mind and this way shw isn’t their little girl any more?

 

[Kristina_P]

Newbie_222:

A long while back, i posted about becoming a Catholic but having a vasectomy a number of years ago.

when my wife and i got civily married, we agreed that neither of us wanted children. i told her that if she ever thought she might want children, then we had better stop the wedding and save alot of heartache. she was completely fine with it, but later on her parents found out that i had a vasectomy, and now they basically hate me.

we are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit there. they do not consider us married because of our civil ceremony, and because they dont consider a marriage valid where children are not wanted. they are very strict Catholics.

i am not invited to their christmas dinner either. her mother absolutely despises me now.

in the past months, i am getting the feeling that my wife may really want children, and me to get a reversal. even though i am still in RICA, my feelings toward having children havent changed.

i cant make myself want kids. i know the church doesnt require a reversal, but i still always am worried about her getting pregnant the 1 in 30,000 cases where a vasectomy doesnt work.

i dont know if it is presure from her parents, or she might actually want kids.

if given the choice to “magically” become fertile again, i would choose not to. how does one change the fact that you dont want children? i know what the church teaches, i just dont seem to be able to make myself want any children at all. there seems to be a big difference between what the church teaches, and what i am really feeling.

alot of me feels safe and secure that i am sterile, but part of me is saying “you should have faith in what the church teaches”.

The Church doesn’t require that you have any specific “feelings.” You’re free to feel that you don’t want children, but that is different from an act of the will. If, when I get married, I can’t make myself feel that I want children, that is not a valid argument against having them. I will trust that God will give me the grace to want and love any children I have.

Your last sentence addresses the real problem you’re having. Any feelings or acts of the will concerning marriage and children would be addressed by your having faith in the Church’s teachings and authority. This is a separate matter.

 

[Kristina_P]

Newbie_222:

 I want to want children, but it feels like some part of me is preventing that.  I know I will never have them, but I want to feel like if a miracle happened, I'd be ready to accept it.  My wife really seems like she may want them.  And I am feeling that this might turn into a really big issue.

Again, these are feelings. Feelings are valid and important, but largely irrelevant to the issue at hand. Let me ask you a question, because I’m not sure from your postings what you believe on this:
Do you accept the teaching authority of the Catholic Church? In other words, do you accept Her teaching as truth, regardless of how you may feel about the truth?

If you do, then your feelings may mean less than you think they do. You might just have to trust that, if a miracle happened, you’d be given the grace to accept it. You might have to trust that, if you got a reversal or adopted a baby out of deference to your wife’s feelings, your own feelings would follow. From what I understand, it’s pretty hard not to want and love a baby once it’s there. Sometimes, wanting to want things is enough.

If you don’t accept the authority of the Church, then that’s a separate issue from not wanting children.

 

[Didi]

Have you prayed about this? God knows how you are feeling, but He longs for you to come to Him, pour your heart out to Him and ask for His help. There’s nothing wrong with asking God to give you the desire for children if you truly “want to want children.”

It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with God first (letting Him be in control of your life); your relationship with your wife second (loving her so that her desires become your desires); and then the relationship with your in-laws will follow.

I assume that you are going to have your marriage blessed in the Church if you haven’t done so already? This may heal a lot between you and the in-laws as well.

 

[GregoryPalamas]

Kristina,

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. One becomes convinced of Catholic Truth by the power of the Holy Spirit. One then submits oneself to that truth then one feels good about it. I wonder how martyrs made their decisions? Then again, “when He bids us He bids us (all) to come and die.” Bonhoeffer.

CDL

 

[YinYangMom]

You need to explore your reasonings for not wanting children.

You say you’ve had them forever, so how soon in your life was this? What triggered your reaction?

I know my brother-in-law professed never wanting children because he was #5 of 9 children and he was forever resentful when Mom had #s 6-9. He ended up becoming a dad anyway, to a wonderful, sweet disabled son who died at age 10. He wouldn’t change those years for the world, he says.

Reasoning is logic/emotion based…discover the logic or emotion behind your reasoning and you can move forward from there. Fear holds back a lot of people. What about having children frightens you? Must be something. Once you explore those fears rationally you can relax about it a bit and become more trusting.

As for the reversal, it’s probably too late for that anyway. Those need to be done within a certain period of time in order to be successful, but all things are possible with God, so one never really knows.

The way to resolve this is to pray, pray, pray, and seek Catholic family counseling to work on your children issues. Hopefully your wife will attend some sessions with you because it’s very, very crucial that you two be very clear about her wanting children or not, or whether or not you’re both ‘caving in’ to pressure. This is your marriage and the two of you are now one, so open up those lines of communication.

 

[LatinCat]

Newbie_222:

A long while back, i posted about becoming a Catholic but having a vasectomy a number of years ago.

when my wife and i got civily married, we agreed that neither of us wanted children. i told her that if she ever thought she might want children, then we had better stop the wedding and save alot of heartache. she was completely fine with it, but later on her parents found out that i had a vasectomy, and now they basically hate me.

we are not allowed to sleep in the same room when we visit there. they do not consider us married because of our civil ceremony, and because they dont consider a marriage valid where children are not wanted. they are very strict Catholics.

i am not invited to their christmas dinner either. her mother absolutely despises me now.

in the past months, i am getting the feeling that my wife may really want children, and me to get a reversal. even though i am still in RICA, my feelings toward having children havent changed.

i cant make myself want kids. i know the church doesnt require a reversal, but i still always am worried about her getting pregnant the 1 in 30,000 cases where a vasectomy doesnt work.

i dont know if it is presure from her parents, or she might actually want kids.

if given the choice to “magically” become fertile again, i would choose not to. how does one change the fact that you dont want children? i know what the church teaches, i just dont seem to be able to make myself want any children at all. there seems to be a big difference between what the church teaches, and what i am really feeling.

alot of me feels safe and secure that i am sterile, but part of me is saying “you should have faith in what the church teaches”.

If this is what you want and believe, then I suggest you not become Catholic because your desires are not those or the Church. This being the case, every time you revcieve a Catholic sacrament, it would be sacralige. I don’t say this to be mean. I say it for your own good. That way you can avoid bringing more of God’s judgement upon you.

 

[Newbie_222]

YinYangMom:

As for the reversal, it’s probably too late for that anyway. Those need to be done within a certain period of time in order to be successful, but all things are possible with God, so one never really knows.

 I was younger when i had it done, and it was the first of its kind using ultrasound as part of a clinical trial.  Free procedure and free medical visits to a young guy with no health insurance?  Yup, I went for it.  I was told that i would see "horses riding people" before the vas deferens ever reconnected accidentally.  Let me tell you, it was the most awful pain.  I could barely walk at all.  They ended the trial 2 months after they did me, and the FDA sent them back to the drawing board until recently.  Hence, follow up visits were few and far between because I had to pay for them instead of going back to the Medical Center.  
 I don't think I would actively go seeking means to have children, but if a major miracle happened and the vas deferens reconnected, and the wife got pregnant, I guess I could accept that as God telling me something.  But the odds of that happening are about a trillion to one.  I had burns and an infection afterward, so it's unlikely there is much good tubes left.

Can I just accept the fact that I can’t have children, but will be willing to allow for miracles? That is, do I have to actively pursue means to have children, or can I passively wait for something that almost will never happen?

 

[YinYangMom]

Newbie_222:

Can I just accept the fact that I can’t have children, but will be willing to allow for miracles? That is, do I have to actively pursue means to have children, or can I passively wait for something that almost will never happen?

It’s all about what’s in your heart, as that is what you can never hide from God. You need to work to open your heart to whatever God wills. Should it be a miracle, fine. Should it be your wife really wanting to have children, fine, then you two work on adopting.

Where you’d have trouble is if your wife has indeed discerned she wants to be a mother and you refuse to consider adoption because you still don’t want any kids in your house.

I don’t recall if you’ve confessed having the vasectomy already. If you haven’t then, do, as soon as you’ve found it in your heart to understand the grave mistake you put yourself and your wife through, and the insult you tossed in God’s direction by doing so.

 

[cynic]

LatinCat:

If this is what you want and believe, then I suggest you not become Catholic because your desires are not those or the Church. This being the case, every time you revcieve a Catholic sacrament, it would be sacralige. I don’t say this to be mean. I say it for your own good. That way you can avoid bringing more of God’s judgement upon you.

er, what? so God judges people for not wanting children? we are just vesicles used for creating more people, and if we don’t comply (and don’t want to be a priest) then we go to hell? What if you didn’t marry because you didn’t want kids - but you don’t become a priest either, is that a valid choice? I’m guessing no, we are just tools to be used to bring more tools (heh) into the world, and if we rebel and not do our duty, then it’s off to hell, excellent.

 

[YinYangMom]

cynic:

er, what? so God judges people for not wanting children? we are just vesicles used for creating more people, and if we don’t comply (and don’t want to be a priest) then we go to hell? What if you didn’t marry because you didn’t want kids - but you don’t become a priest either, is that a valid choice? I’m guessing no, we are just tools to be used to bring more tools (heh) into the world, and if we rebel and not do our duty, then it’s off to hell, excellent.

If you aren’t called to the vocations of marriage or the priesthood then you are still called to the vocation of being a celibate messenger of Christ. Sex outside marriage is against the commandments.

As for “wanting” children, that’s not the point. Many people ‘want’ their own children and are unable to conceive, or marry. The point is remaining open to God’s will at all times. Should he call a couple to become a parents of a biological child then life will come forth from that marriage. If he calls a couple to become parents through adoption then he will guide them to that decision. If he calls a couple to serve him in other ways other than raising children of God, that too, will be conveyed to the couple by Him. In all things, we remain open to God’s will.

 

[frogman80]

Newbie_222:

I was younger when i had it done, and it was the first of its kind using ultrasound as part of a clinical trial. Free procedure and free medical visits to a young guy with no health insurance? Yup, I went for it. I was told that i would see “horses riding people” before the vas deferens ever reconnected accidentally. Let me tell you, it was the most awful pain. I could barely walk at all. They ended the trial 2 months after they did me, and the FDA sent them back to the drawing board until recently. Hence, follow up visits were few and far between because I had to pay for them instead of going back to the Medical Center.
I don’t think I would actively go seeking means to have children, but if a major miracle happened and the vas deferens reconnected, and the wife got pregnant, I guess I could accept that as God telling me something. But the odds of that happening are about a trillion to one. I had burns and an infection afterward, so it’s unlikely there is much good tubes left.
Can I just accept the fact that I can’t have children, but will be willing to allow for miracles? That is, do I have to actively pursue means to have children, or can I passively wait for something that almost will never happen?

BioCatholic…

Really?

-Got a vasectomy at age 22 (5 years ago)?
-Before you were married?
-It was the “earliest age” possible in your state?
-Procedure was “first of its kind”?
-ultrasound… burns and infection?

This is all very hard to swallow.

The answer to this situation… you must be open to life, you must desire it. You should look into getting a reversal, but it is not required.

Oh yeah… found this quote on ultrasound vasectomy:

“This is a new technique currently developed, which may allow in the future to do a vasectomy without incision by applying ultrasound waves from the outside to the vas. However, this technique has not proceeded beyond animal testing yet and it may be some time until it can be employed on humans if proven successful.”

 

[cynic]

YinYangMom:

If you aren’t called to the vocations of marriage or the priesthood then you are still called to the vocation of being a celibate messenger of Christ. Sex outside marriage is against the commandments.

As for “wanting” children, that’s not the point. Many people ‘want’ their own children and are unable to conceive, or marry. The point is remaining open to God’s will at all times. Should he call a couple to become a parents of a biological child then life will come forth from that marriage. If he calls a couple to become parents through adoption then he will guide them to that decision. If he calls a couple to serve him in other ways other than raising children of God, that too, will be conveyed to the couple by Him. In all things, we remain open to God’s will.

wasn’t marriage created for man? If a couple both really don’t want children why must they have them to please the supposed will of God - which is only made clear, apparently, through doctrine. It seems that according to Catholics and strict evangalicals, marriage is only justified through it’s reproductive potential, and without it , any other benefits, companionship, love etc have no value. They cannot be sought on their own. Of course that’s the catholic view, but I find it depressing.

 

[frogman80]

cynic:

wasn’t marriage created for man? If a couple both really don’t want children why must they have them to please the supposed will of God - which is only made clear, apparently, through doctrine. It seems that according to Catholics and strict evangalicals, marriage is only justified through it’s reproductive potential, and without it , any other benefits, companionship, love etc have no value. They cannot be sought on their own. Of course that’s the catholic view, but I find it depressing.

Cynic, I really am not trying to be rude… but you simply misunderstand. If Catholicism was about what you think its was about, it would be depressing, but you are mistaken. Many of us have attempted to explain this to you over and over again. I am sorry that you do not have the ability or desire to hear us.

But briefly… it is intention… not potential, and the other things you listed do have value. Also, it is not ONLY about intention.