Wife Moved Out Three Months Ago

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Drumz

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I’m new to the forum, but could really use some prayers. My wife of 14-years moved out three-months ago. She actually bought her own house. At this point, she’s not 100% sure yet if she wants a divorce but she doesn’t think I will ever be the husband she needs me to be. She said she needs and wants to date other men. It was hard enough when she moved out, but now it is tougher on me since I know she is on match.com looking for dates and dating. The fact that she bought her own house also leads me to believe that she knows that this is going to become a permanent thing.

We are both Catholic. She is a cradle-Catholic, while I converted and entered the church a year or so before we got married. My wife seldom goes to mass anymore (she’s almost anti-Catholic) and probably hasn’t received communion for the past couple of years, while my faith has actually grown stronger over the last year-mainly due to all my marital problems. I’m sorry to say that, but just being honest.

Even though I have always been faithful, been blessed with a good job and have been able to provide for my wife, I have been far from the perfect husband. I have been selfish and self-centered. I’ve put hobbies, friends, etc. ahead of her at times. She said that she hasn’t ever felt loved by me and had reservations on our wedding day, but went through it anyway. I’m not sure if she truly means that or was just angry and/or drunk when she said it. I truly love my wife, and now realize that I did take her for granted at times. I wish I could do many things in whole relationship over, but realize I can not. She has said I’ve ruined her life and deserve to spend the rest of my life by myself. I’ve went to confession several times over the past 5-6 months, but I am still having a hard time forgiving myself for being such a bad husband, and am really hurting inside knowing that she is dating and doesn’t want to be with me. I am planning on giving her space and keep praying that somehow/someway she will decide not to divorce me and want to work on repairing our marriage.

Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers and any advice from others that have been in a similar situation.
 
I’ve posted a request for you in the Prayer Intentions Forum.

I am concerned that you keep going to Confession. If you’ve already confessed your sins properly (mortal sins in kind and number), then that should be that.

It sounds to me like you’re using Confession as sort of a counseling session of sorts, and that is really what it isn’t for in this case.

I think you need to discuss this with a priest outside of Confession.

As far as your wife dating on match.com…absurd and selfish. I wouldn’t advise any man to date a woman who is currently married, and let me tell you that when most of them find out, it’s probably a repellent----and it should be.
 
Thanks, SuperLuigi for your reply and prayer intentions. That is a good point about confession, and you are correct. I should meet with a priest outside the confessional to discuss my situation.
 
Drumz, I’m praying for you, too. I can’t imagine what you are going through…

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
 
Drumz said:
I’m new to the forum, but could really use some prayers. My wife of 14-years moved out three-months ago. She actually bought her own house. At this point, she’s not 100% sure yet if she wants a divorce but she doesn’t think I will ever be the husband she needs me to be. She said she needs and wants to date other men. It was hard enough when she moved out, but now it is tougher on me since I know she is on match.com looking for dates and dating. The fact that she bought her own house also leads me to believe that she knows that this is going to become a permanent thing.

We are both Catholic. She is a cradle-Catholic, while I converted and entered the church a year or so before we got married. My wife seldom goes to mass anymore (she’s almost anti-Catholic) and probably hasn’t received communion for the past couple of years, while my faith has actually grown stronger over the last year-mainly due to all my marital problems. I’m sorry to say that, but just being honest.

Even though I have always been faithful, been blessed with a good job and have been able to provide for my wife, I have been far from the perfect husband. I have been selfish and self-centered. I’ve put hobbies, friends, etc. ahead of her at times. She said that she hasn’t ever felt loved by me and had reservations on our wedding day, but went through it anyway. I’m not sure if she truly means that or was just angry and/or drunk when she said it. I truly love my wife, and now realize that I did take her for granted at times. I wish I could do many things in whole relationship over, but realize I can not. She has said I’ve ruined her life and deserve to spend the rest of my life by myself. I’ve went to confession several times over the past 5-6 months, but I am still having a hard time forgiving myself for being such a bad husband, and am really hurting inside knowing that she is dating and doesn’t want to be with me. I am planning on giving her space and keep praying that somehow/someway she will decide not to divorce me and want to work on repairing our marriage.

Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers and any advice from others that have been in a similar situation.
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Sounds awful! Gosh! 😦 :bighanky:

:hug1: I’m sorry this is happening.

I’ve been divorced, twice, annuled, twice.

Had you tried marital counseling as of yet? There’s also Retrovaille, which I, personally, had never tried but heard of.

If she won’t agree to go to marital counseling, would you consider individual counseling, in the meantime, because I just am convinced it’d be helpful for you to be able to talk about your problems.

It’s all well and good to talk about problems with family, but some don’t have the time or patience. Some people also aren’t good at keeping it confidential.

With a counselor, they generally have experience with this so can get quite good at listening, focusing on the issues, possibly even be able to give ideas or a perspective you maybe hadn’t considered.

In my first marriage, he gave us tips on how to improve our communication…things like saying 5 positive things to every negative, focusing also on the good in the person, not only the bad.

We weren’t speaking much, and he had encouraged us to go out once a week together to a restaurant and talk about our problems.

He asked my husband, at that time, to call me from work, once a day, to help us.

He gave us many suggestions.

I encouraged us to both use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Example…I feel…sad…when you say…x. When we phrase it…“You…”, it gets people defensive.

Further, he advised us both to steer clear entirely from the word “should”, since it also gets most folks on the defensive.

Another way to phrase it…would be, say, “Would you consider…?”

We were to get rid of any put downs, abusive language.

He ended up leaving counseling after a month, not wanting to try, but in that time, I also went to the library, researched how to be a better wife…communication.

Even though it didn’t work out, at least, in my heart, I know I tried my best, so don’t regret leaving no stone unturned, trying everything. I also learned a lot from the experience to take into any other future relationships I might have.
 
I’ve seen people ask about Retrovaille on CAF, and people who have tried it have sometimes said it has seemed to make matters worse. So, I’m not sure what to say about it.

I would recommend counseling, though it’s good to find a counselor with similar values, if possible.
 
Dacinom said:
Oh my goodness, your wife does not need more space, she needs time with you to repair your marriage.

retrouvaille.org/

Please invite your wife on a Retrouvaille retreat. It is for marriages that are hurting, it is faith-based and many couples attending are separated. I am so sorry for what you are going through please be assured of my prayers.
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I agree with all of this.

But I’ve been thinking about this a bit, and something about the entire situation just really stinks.

So in a nutshell there’s a guy who realizes he’s made mistakes and seems genuine about making the adjustments, and I’m wondering if his mistakes just gave her the excuse she needed to move out and date other men.

I have a real problem when people act like that.
 
Don’t blame yourself for your wifes behavior. Do you have children together?
 
I think this is an excellent time to get very very serious about praying the Rosary and entrusting EVERYTHING into her hands.

If it can be fixed, she will repair it through her intercession. Pray for her intentions but entrust your intentions to her, and she will take care of them.

Tell her what you would like to happen.

This is what i recommend.

May Our Lady Bless You in a very special way this coming Christmas and remainder of Advent!

Also:
Pray as if everything depended on God, but work as if everything depended on you. - St. Augsutine
 
Drumz,
May I ask why you are planning to “give her space”? Has she specifically told you that’s what she wants right now?

:gopray2: for you.
 
I am so sorry for what you are going through in your marriage and I will pray for you to find a way to communicate with your wife. Please, make an appointment with your parish priest and seek his advice, and never stop praying. God will help you through this time and we will support you with our prayers.
 
Hang in there, keep an active prayer life, go to Mass, receive the sacraments, speak with a Catholic priest as a counselor (there are some really bad secular counselors out there). If your wife is too hostile to speak with you about your problems, try writing letters to her. From my own personal experience, being separated for over six months and living in different states, letters brought us to a point of wanting to see if we could save our marriage. That was 28 years ago and we are still very happily married today. Let God work in your life. Rely on His wisdom and mercy. Keep showing up and doing the right thing and God will work out the details. Meanwhile, I will pray for your intentions.
 
All,

Thank you very much for your prayers and advice. We tried secular counselors three different times over the past few years. Each time we stopped, because my wife found fault with them. The last time we went back in July, on our second session, it only lasted 10 minutes. My wife said that there was no way the counselor could help us, as she’s given me way too many chances and she had made her mind up about moving out. The counselor agreed that if both parties weren’t interested in any type of reconciliation, there wasn’t much he could do and that was that. Two months later after really having a nice weekend together, my wife informed me on that Sunday night that she made an offer on a house. Yes, I was floored, but at that the same time, my wife kept on saying she was going to move out and divorce me, so I shouldn’t have been that surprised.

We don’t have any children and I think that is another part of the reason for my wife’s unhappiness. I was fine either way-having children or not. My wife mentioned several times throughout our relationship that she wanted children, then a week or two later she would say that she didn’t want kids or wasn’t sure. My position was that unless we were both absolutely certain, we should wait until we were sure. My wife just turned 41, and I’m 47, so I think my wife regrets not having kids and now is placing all the blame on me. She seemed to enjoy all the weekend trips and traveling we were able to do not having children and even mentioned to my sisters and to her family several times that she didn’t want to have children.

I will definitely talk to a priest-that’s a good idea. I had mentioned to my wife about Retrovaille several months ago, but she is not interested. As I mentioned in a previous post, my wife although Catholic, is not a fan of the church or it’s teachings. She will have no problem divorcing me and remarrying another man outside the church, if she meets the right guy. I, on the other hand, realize that this is it for me. I took my wedding vows seriously (it is a promise I made to God), and realize full well that if I get divorced, I can never remarry and wouldn’t date again either, because what’s the point.

Regarding space-I invited my wife over a week ago to go out to dinner. She cooked me dinner and we talked for 30 minutes or so before she drove back to her house. I mainly missed my wife and wanted to see her and let her know that regardless of what she decides, I hoped that someday she would find it in her heart to forgive me for not being a good husband. She told me that she thought I was a good person, and she loved me as a person, but I was a terrible husband and she doesn’t think I can ever change my ways to be the husband she needs me to be. She went on to tell me that she is dating on match.com and that is the only way she will ever be able to determine whether or not we should be together. I basically told her that I didn’t want her to date, but there is nothing I can do about it, if that is what she wants to do. I also don’t want to feel like her fall-back guy, that is, if she doesn’t find the man of her dreams she can always come back to me. It is very difficult to see her and then not see or hear from her again for weeks.

My father, who is a devout Catholic, said to basically cut all ties with her and give her space so she can decide what she wants to do. He also send to put my “trust in the lord” as there really isn’t anything I can do. I’m trying to do this, but for some reason keep beating myself up over things I should have done differently. So, talking to a priest and/or secular counselor myself will probably do me some good.

Anyway, sorry for the long narrative. Thanks for taking the time to read this and for your prayers and advice.
 
God cannot force your wife to change, or I should say, he will not.

Your wife may have issues that will stay with her. Sometimes, you can do all the right things, and perhaps it will not be enough. Seems like she has some issues to me. What they are exactly, I don’t know but she’s not very open to wanting the marriage to continue or try to heal it.

It does take two. Keep praying, and God will be with you.
 
I’m sorry for your situation, it’s truly terrible. Don’t let your wife get away with rationalizing adultery. I don’t care how “bad” of a husband you think you were, it is no justification for what she is doing. Don’t let her off the hook, and for goodness’ sake, don’t beg her for forgiveness while she is (very likely) sleeping with other men.

Tell her that she is committing adultery, and whatever she tells herself about your past failures to justify her actions isn’t going to pass muster with you. That you are ready to work on the marriage when she is, until then there isn’t much else to say. If you are currently doing any favors for her/paying any of her bills (I assume there are no court orders in place), stop. Your father’s advice is good - cut ties until she is ready to turn away from this sinful choice - and be prepared for the possibility that the day may never come. That is honestly how I would handle the situation if my wife did this to me.

Your cross is a heavy one. The prospect of many years of loneliness and celibacy is daunting, and will no doubt lead to many temptations of your own. May God bring your wife home, or give you the strength to endure without her.
 
Drumz said:
I’m new to the forum, but could really use some prayers. My wife of 14-years moved out three-months ago. She actually bought her own house. At this point, she’s not 100% sure yet if she wants a divorce but she doesn’t think I will ever be the husband she needs me to be. She said she needs and wants to date other men. It was hard enough when she moved out, but now it is tougher on me since I know she is on match.com looking for dates and dating. The fact that she bought her own house also leads me to believe that she knows that this is going to become a permanent thing.

We are both Catholic. She is a cradle-Catholic, while I converted and entered the church a year or so before we got married. My wife seldom goes to mass anymore (she’s almost anti-Catholic) and probably hasn’t received communion for the past couple of years, while my faith has actually grown stronger over the last year-mainly due to all my marital problems. I’m sorry to say that, but just being honest.

Even though I have always been faithful, been blessed with a good job and have been able to provide for my wife, I have been far from the perfect husband. I have been selfish and self-centered. I’ve put hobbies, friends, etc. ahead of her at times. She said that she hasn’t ever felt loved by me and had reservations on our wedding day, but went through it anyway. I’m not sure if she truly means that or was just angry and/or drunk when she said it. I truly love my wife, and now realize that I did take her for granted at times. I wish I could do many things in whole relationship over, but realize I can not. She has said I’ve ruined her life and deserve to spend the rest of my life by myself. I’ve went to confession several times over the past 5-6 months, but I am still having a hard time forgiving myself for being such a bad husband, and am really hurting inside knowing that she is dating and doesn’t want to be with me. I am planning on giving her space and keep praying that somehow/someway she will decide not to divorce me and want to work on repairing our marriage.

Anyway, I would appreciate your prayers and any advice from others that have been in a similar situation.
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Watch the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron, and then do the Love Dare on her (I think you can buy the book). Also, read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Prayers for you. :signofcross:
 
Consider reading about divorce busting from michelle wiener-davis. Specifically what she calls walk away wife syndrome. It matches your situation quite tightly. Her site and books have good advice and there are many on her forums who can help with specific strategies many of whine are catholic and have been to retrouvaille. Blessings.
 
Would you consider going to individual counseling, whether you decide to get back together or not?

I say this, since I think you might benefit from the support, but it´s your call.
 
That’s so funny, Clearwater. I scheduled an appointment for individual counseling this morning. It is for after the first of the year. Told my wife via text that if at some point in the future if she seriously wants to work on our marriage, she can go to. At least I’ll be working on being a better person, regardless.
 
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