Wife not on board with NFP

[Matthew1224]

Happy Easter!

I am trying to get my wife to be on board with doing NFP and after a big fight last night I am looking for any tips, advice or prayers. My wife is not currently Catholic (still praying on that one!) and I have managed to convince her on most of the reasons that contraception is wrong. We have prayerfully discerned to wait on having another child at the moment due to some health and financial issues that we are working through this year.

The problem happens when she is most fertile. She becomes very bitter that the times of the month when she is most interested in intimacy is the same time that we must abstain. She says that she doesn’t think it is fair that she is married and unless she is willing to get pregnant each month she will have to abstain during the hardest times for most of her life.
Ironically when searching online, most of the issues people have with NFP are in regards to the man getting used to abstaining.

I don’t know how to make it work where I live according to my beliefs while still maintaining peace in the family. It seems to me that having only one spouse on board for NFP is not the best way to make it work.

Have other couples experienced the same frustrations? Any resources that I can provide my wife to give her support?

Thank you!

 

[jmjZelie]

This is a real problem that often is not acknowledged. Some wives do become bitter, and even if they try very hard not to be. There is very little support or understanding for womanly libido. For men, it tends to be a steady state. For women, it can be like a roller coaster. And the precise moment when she most wants to unite with her husband, she cannot, while she also feels obligated to be responsive as often as possible during her natural low libido time.

If you have serious enough reasons, it becomes easier to rationalize the abstinence. But in some situations, the couple has to revisit the discussion of the reasons for NFP. Sometimes talking it through is enough to handle the challenges, but sometimes it becomes apparent that the practice of NFP is harming the marriage.

Spouses do have an obligation to each other in this area. NFP cannot be a unilateral decision, because it takes away the only legitimate outlet for natural sexual desire. So if one of the spouses is objecting to the practice, and the other is insisting, it will build up resentment between them.

But the only other morally licit option is…to be ready to welcome another baby. Well, or total abstinence, where both spouses agree to give up relations so that the burden is equally shared, and work to hopefully get to a place where another baby could be welcomed and relations could be resumed. So these are all some things to consider and discuss.

I have no intention of telling anyone else what to do, and my post is just to tell you that your wife is experiencing a fairly common thing that is not openly acknowledged by NFP proponents. And it is not easily solved. But how each individual couple meets that challenge is based on their own situation. Can they find a way to help her bear the burden of her peak desire without bitterness (or without directing anger inward at herself), and can they help her to be responsive during the times when her libido wanes? Or will they abandon NFP and just be open to more babies? Or will they decide to abstain entirely for a time, so they the burden is shared more equally and so that they have the impetus to do some serious discernment about readiness for another baby? All three are morally licit solutions to the problem.

God bless you in your discernment with your wife. I hope that the Holy Spirit guides you to the right solution and gives you His peace!

 

[1ke]

Happy Easter!

I am trying to get my wife to be on board with doing NFP and after a big fight last night I am looking for any tips, advice or prayers. My wife is not currently Catholic (still praying on that one!) and I have managed to convince her on most of the reasons that contraception is wrong. We have prayerfully discerned to wait on having another child at the moment due to some health and financial issues that we are working through this year.

The problem happens when she is most fertile. She becomes very bitter that the times of the month when she is most interested in intimacy is the same time that we must abstain. She says that she doesn’t think it is fair that she is married and unless she is willing to get pregnant each month she will have to abstain during the hardest times for most of her life.
Ironically when searching online, most of the issues people have with NFP are in regards to the man getting used to abstaining.

I don’t know how to make it work where I live according to my beliefs while still maintaining peace in the family. It seems to me that having only one spouse on board for NFP is not the best way to make it work.

Have other couples experienced the same frustrations? Any resources that I can provide my wife to give her support?

Thank you!

So were you away from the faith when dating/marriage? It would help to understand what conversations you had about this before marriage or what you’ve been doing in your marriage up til now.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Happy Easter!

I am trying to get my wife to be on board with doing NFP and after a big fight last night I am looking for any tips, advice or prayers. My wife is not currently Catholic (still praying on that one!) and I have managed to convince her on most of the reasons that contraception is wrong. We have prayerfully discerned to wait on having another child at the moment due to some health and financial issues that we are working through this year.

The problem happens when she is most fertile. She becomes very bitter that the times of the month when she is most interested in intimacy is the same time that we must abstain. She says that she doesn’t think it is fair that she is married and unless she is willing to get pregnant each month she will have to abstain during the hardest times for most of her life.
Ironically when searching online, most of the issues people have with NFP are in regards to the man getting used to abstaining.

I don’t know how to make it work where I live according to my beliefs while still maintaining peace in the family. It seems to me that having only one spouse on board for NFP is not the best way to make it work.

Have other couples experienced the same frustrations? Any resources that I can provide my wife to give her support?

Thank you!

What were your discussions before marriage? Were you premarital sexually active with artificial birth control?

 

[runningdude]

NFP requires a full commitment from both spouses, and if you had not been practicing since the start of your marriage, she may feel it to be quite presumptuous to insist now.

Since you find a moral imperative, you must first begin with a deep apology for putting her in this spot. Then listen deeply to her concerns, and work to address them. Find alternative forms of intimacy, to help her relieve stress at her hardest times.

Acknowledge, too, that NFP, itself can be a form of stress, and set aside sufficient resources to care for a child, just in case. This may require sacrifice in other areas, creating yet more stress. The two of you will need to work extra hard to manage; their is a significant risk of growing apart that must be addressed. There is also a significant opportunity to grow closer together.

 

[Matthew1224]

Thank you for the responses. We have used varying forms of contraceptives throughout our marriage and even before (which we both regret now). It is definitely not a topic that was an issue that was talked about before we got married as I hadn’t even considered the possibility of NFP yet. I would say that while I never doubted my Catholic faith during my teenage and college years, it was very easy for us to rationalize our own sins as being acceptable (WE can have sex because WE love each other and God knows our heart…and if he wanted to give us a child he would provide it contraceptive or not…)

Just for some further perspective we are in our late twenties/early thirties and going on 7 years of marriage this year. This is not the first time I have brought up the topic with my wife. I would say that I have been talking about wanting to switch over for about a year and a half so it is not really a big surprise to her. That being said I think she has only been mildly more receptive to it recently because we have talked about it being almost time for a third. She simply doesn’t have the same moral conviction on the matter when we hit the harder times of the month.

 

[pensmama87]

Thank you for the responses. We have used varying forms of contraceptives throughout our marriage and even before (which we both regret now). It is definitely not a topic that was an issue that was talked about before we got married as I hadn’t even considered the possibility of NFP yet. I would say that while I never doubted my Catholic faith during my teenage and college years, it was very easy for us to rationalize our own sins as being acceptable (WE can have sex because WE love each other and God knows our heart…and if he wanted to give us a child he would provide it contraceptive or not…)

Just for some further perspective we are in our late twenties/early thirties and going on 7 years of marriage this year. This is not the first time I have brought up the topic with my wife. I would say that I have been talking about wanting to switch over for about a year and a half so it is not really a big surprise to her. That being said I think she has only been mildly more receptive to it recently because we have talked about it being almost time for a third. She simply doesn’t have the same moral conviction on the matter when we hit the harder times of the month.

mmmm, I don’t know if that is fair to your wife. After all, the spirit can be willing but the flesh is weak. For some women, that fertile time is very, very difficult to abstain. Zelie was right on when she talked about the difference with men and women in that regard.

One thing I would suggest to you would be to revisit your reasons to avoid conception. Not to say that they aren’t important or should just be cast aside - but are there ways you can work to alleviate those issues? What effort or sacrifices can you take on? Because the way I am reading your situation, at least - and I am a wife so I admit that it’s more easy for me to take that view on things - you have presented your wife with a scenario that seems to her all-lose. She takes on the big sacrifices while you do what, exactly?

(That may very well be an unfair assessment on her part, but what I’m asking you is - what can you do to show her that you will make sacrifices, too? How can you say, “We’re in this together”?)

 

[ahollars]

When this situation is the other way around, it seems like guys can’t find any sympathy anywhere.

OP, you’re wife isn’t Catholic, so you’re changing the rules of marriage as far as she can understand. Your explanations are going to take some time. She may understand, but that does not mean that she agrees. You’re going to have to prove to her that your sacrifice is just as big as hers (if not more so).

Of course, there is always the foolproof method. Every time she brings it up, just ask her point blank, “Are you trying to get pregnant?”

No point in sugar-coating it.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for the responses. We have used varying forms of contraceptives throughout our marriage and even before (which we both regret now). It is definitely not a topic that was an issue that was talked about before we got married as I hadn’t even considered the possibility of NFP yet. I would say that while I never doubted my Catholic faith during my teenage and college years, it was very easy for us to rationalize our own sins as being acceptable (WE can have sex because WE love each other and God knows our heart…and if he wanted to give us a child he would provide it contraceptive or not…)

Just for some further perspective we are in our late twenties/early thirties and going on 7 years of marriage this year. This is not the first time I have brought up the topic with my wife. I would say that I have been talking about wanting to switch over for about a year and a half so it is not really a big surprise to her. That being said I think she has only been mildly more receptive to it recently because we have talked about it being almost time for a third. She simply doesn’t have the same moral conviction on the matter when we hit the harder times of the month.

Thanks. This is a good clarification. It is similar to our experience as well. We were both Catholic and both knew that abc was wrong but we did it anyway. I wanted to practice nfp from day one but she did not. We eventually did nfp and actually were instructors for a time. Now we do not practice nfp.
I would suggest not promoting it as a wonderful easy alternative but rather as a sacrifice.
Some of the biggest fights of our marriage had to do with nfp.
It is absolutely real that you “want” to in “red light” ones and that the sex is far better during fertile times for many couples. This was our struggle as well.

 

[jmjZelie]

When this situation is the other way around, it seems like guys can’t find any sympathy anywhere.

OP, you’re wife isn’t Catholic, so you’re changing the rules of marriage as far as she can understand. Your explanations are going to take some time. She may understand, but that does not mean that she agrees. You’re going to have to prove to her that your sacrifice is just as big as hers (if not more so).

Of course, there is always the foolproof method. Every time she brings it up, just ask her point blank, “Are you trying to get pregnant?”

No point in sugar-coating it.

There is plenty of sympathy for the husbands, too. But this is a scary subject to be discussing, because rash judgement is common. Many wives care very much about their husbands and about the realities of male libido.

With regard to your foolproof method, I agree. It can be a light-hearted way of making sure that both members of a couple are making a conscious decision to unite and to accept a baby if they should conceive, to ask a simple, straightforward and honest question like that.

One phenomenon that many people are not aware of (I know I wasn’t), is that male libido begins to wane in the mid-30s, while the female libido ramps up around that time. So men find it easier to abstain over the course of their marriage, whereas, women begin to find it harder and harder. The couple will reach a tipping point where it can become confusing and lead to misunderstandings if they are unaware of this natural phenomenon, where the husband will think his wife is being unreasonable, but she is behaving normally for her age. Just as a younger man in his 20s is behaving normally for his age when he does stereotypically young husband things regarding initiating marital relations with his wife frequently.

 

[Xantippe]

There is plenty of sympathy for the husbands, too. **But this is a scary subject to be discussing, because rash judgement is common. Many wives care very much about their husbands and about the realities of male libido. **

With regard to your foolproof method, I agree. It can be a light-hearted way of making sure that both members of a couple are making a conscious decision to unite and to accept a baby if they should conceive, to ask a simple, straightforward and honest question like that.

One phenomenon that many people are not aware of (I know I wasn’t), is that male libido begins to wane in the mid-30s, while the female libido ramps up around that time. So men find it easier to abstain over the course of their marriage, whereas, women begin to find it harder and harder. The couple will reach a tipping point where it can become confusing and lead to misunderstandings if they are unaware of this natural phenomenon, where the husband will think his wife is being unreasonable, but she is behaving normally for her age. Just as a younger man in his 20s is behaving normally for his age when he does stereotypically young husband things regarding initiating marital relations with his wife frequently.

Yep.