Wife or Family?

[purplesunshine]

Your first responsibility is providing for the family that you made an oath before God to serve.

Unfortunately, that is not your mother.

Yes, you need to help your family but too often things with money and family turn bad.

For instance, what would happen to the debt if something happened to you? Would your wife be bound to it…and if your mother’s debt then went bad would your children and wife be left in poverty?

Despite the fact you’re confident that your mom can back the debt no one else thinks so. LISTEN to them.

Sit down with your wife and your mother (together if possible) and communicate between the three of you a deal that you can all live with.

 

[Whitacre_Girl]

I agree with other posters who have said that you shouldn’t co-sign the loan. It just doesn’t seem prudent, and it seems your grandfather may not have a legal leg to stand on in this situation.

You need to respect the opinions of your wife first and foremost. She is one with you now, and you made an oath to her. Doing something against her wishes is very very unwise.

There has to be other ways to help your mother. Try looking into those ways you can help her without putting yourself in dangerous financial waters anmd risk harming your family.

 

[swisscakerolls]

As a general rule of life, you should never agree to pay something that you cannot afford to pay. If you co-sign, you are signing a legally binding document that says if your mother fails to pay the loan, then you will pay it for her. Can you do this? No.

The idea that you can help your mother with this loan, as you have described it, only works IN THEORY. But when you get the bill and your mother has trouble, your wife and children will suffer for it. In this case everybody loses. And if you do not pay the loan, they will not let your mother keep the property.

Taking out loans you can’t repay is an easy way to ruin your life and your family’s.

I agree that you should help your mother. But you cannot help her in a way that you cannot afford. Unless she can get the loan herself, the land is gone. Do not promise gifts that you do not have. That is borderline dishonest.

Help her find a new place to live, within her budget. Help her learn how to restore credit. But both of you must live within your means.

 

[Musician]

Whatever you do, do NOT put your mother’s needs above your wife’s.
I am a little puzzled about why a mother would want her 23 y.o. son to take this much of a risk - and this is a gigantic risk, don’t kid yourself.
Also, it is not you and your siblings’ inheritance if you have to pay for it yourself. That does not make sense.
Your mother is probably going to have to get out and work and build up her credit score and then buy her own home, or just rent one for now.
My mother wanted my help when I was in my early twenties, and I had to refuse because of my young family. Once she realized that she was on her own, she got a job and provided for herself, bought her own house, etc.
I think it might be a good idea to help with groceries and such, but do not put you and and your wife in such a contract. It is imprudent.

 

[kage_ar]

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one.”

Look up what Jesus said to those who would neglect their parents.

 

[Lightbee]

Look up what Jesus said to those who would neglect their parents.

I would think the OP can support his mother without necessarily co-signing the loan. Perhaps other options to support his mother might be offering for her to stay with him until she can get on her feet; helping her find a new home; researching other loan options; negotiating with the bank or his grandfather to find another way to pay back the loan.

I don’t think this has to be an “either/or” situation, though it must certainly feel that way. A relationship between a man and his wife is very important - sacramental even!! But equally, we are commanded to honour our father and mother.

God must have a way out of this situation that will allow the OP to be honourable to both his wife and mother. But He is the only one who has eyes to see far enough to find it. I will keep praying for you all.

 

[Moscati]

Look up what Jesus said to those who would neglect their parents.

Oh, you mean like . . .

Matt 8:21-22
Another of the disciples said to Him, “Lord, permit me first to go and bury my father.”
But Jesus said to him, “Follow Me, and allow the dead to bury their own dead.”

Matt. 10:34-36
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
" ‘a man against his father,
a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -
a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’

 

[RSD]

Look up what Jesus said to those who would neglect their parents.

There is nothing in the O.P. to suggest neglect. I think the neglect issue would refer to people who refuse to help their parents, while indulging themselves. The O.P. has a question about where his first and strongest loyalty lies. He clearly wants to help his mother, and not neglect her, the question is should he do so in a way which endangers the well-being of his wife and family, and damages his unity with his wife. I think the passage about marriage addresses that specific issue.

And Happy Easter to everyone!

 

[kage_ar]

Those verses must be balanced with Matthew chapter 15 (highlight added) - Jesus used very strong language here!

But you say, ’Whoever says to father or mother, “Any support you might have had from me is dedicated to God,” ***
*** need not honor his father.’ You have nullified the word of God for the sake of your tradition. Hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy about you when he said: ‘This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines human precepts.’" He summoned the crowd and said to them, “Hear and understand. It is not what enters one’s mouth that defiles that person; but what comes out of the mouth is what defiles one.”

 

[lutherlic]

I agree with other posters who have said that you shouldn’t co-sign the loan. It just doesn’t seem prudent, and it seems your grandfather may not have a legal leg to stand on in this situation.

You need to respect the opinions of your wife first and foremost. She is one with you now, and you made an oath to her. Doing something against her wishes is very very unwise.

There has to be other ways to help your mother. Try looking into those ways you can help her without putting yourself in dangerous financial waters anmd risk harming your family.

I agree with Whitacre_Girl. Your wife is your closest family now. If you can not get her free (i.e. not under pressure) agreement then this is a no-go.

Beyond that, it sounds like this is a very bad idea. It is unlikely that you can be certain your mom will never fail to pay this loan. She will never change her mind, she will not become ill, she will not be sued, etc. Don’t be so sure you could sell the property when she dies to cover the outstanding loan balance either.

All these bad things are unlikely now. Maybe for a few years. Imagine 5 or 10 years down the road when you have children. What happens then when the situation for your mom changes? It can be, likely would be, devastating to your family and marriage.

Also be careful that your inheritance thinking is llittle more than wishful thinking. It may be a lot like “I really, really want to buy . It is an investmen!. I will actually save money!!!”

 

[mini_me640]

Those verses must be balanced with Matthew chapter 15 (highlight added) - Jesus used very strong language here!

But you say, ’Whoever says to father or mother, “Any support you might have had from me is dedicated to God,” ***
*** need not honor his father.’ You have nullified the word of God for the sake of your tradition. Hypocrites, well did Isaiah prophesy about you when he said: ‘This people honors me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me; in vain do they worship me, teaching as doctrines human precepts.’" He summoned the crowd and said to them, “Hear and understand. It is not what enters one’s mouth that defiles that person; but what comes out of the mouth is what defiles one.”

He can honor his mother without co-signing for a loan he can’t afford to pay for, therefore jeapordizing his own credit and his wife and future children’s future security. Do you agree?

 

[YADA]

My advice is not to co-sign the loan. You could be held responsible for the loan balance should your mother be unable to meet the obligtion. You state tat yoru mother has the funds necessary to re-pay the loan and I believe you. However, she could loose her job [its a tough economy], she could become unable to work due to illness or injury - something that happens un-expectedly … and your credit and future [your wife and family] are then jeopardized …

Also, if your parents credit histories are problematic then there are [or could be] other creditors that can come after this property other then your grandfather …

You are not privilaged with all of the financial obligations and determinatons of their seperation and divorce … For example: Exactly how were the assets and liablilities split between them … did you father take some other liabilities and your mother take this liability to your grandfather? Is there a contract with the grandfather? Is your mother meeting that obligation? Is your father meeting his obligations to your mother and siblings? If you mother has adequate financial meeans to meet a contsruction loan for a house - perhaps she can refinance the property to pay off the grandfather now and wait to build the home later … if the property [without the new home] is not sufficient to pay off the grandfather then your mother’s property and the debt owed to the grandfather is “out of balance” …

Love you mother and provide all the support you can … but that does not mean you take on her debt - which is exactly what co-signing means …

And check out Dave Ramsey … you will be glad you did

 

[kage_ar]

He can honor his mother without co-signing for a loan he can’t afford to pay for, therefore jeapordizing his own credit and his wife and future children’s future security. Do you agree?

Yes, he can take care of both. He should not dishonor any member of his family!

 

[dixieagle]

Yes, he can take care of both. He should not dishonor any member of his family!

If you read the OP’s post, he clearly states that his mother has enough money for her expenses, but a bad credit score and thus cannot qualify for a loan.

Jeopardizing the welfare of his wife and himself by signing for a loan he CANNOT repay is pure folly. This has nothing whatsoever to do with honoring his mother; it is about common sense and financial responsibility.

 

[mini_me640]

Yes, he can take care of both. He should not dishonor any member of his family!

I agree. The OP is specifically asking about cosigning on a loan for his mom that he himself can’t pay for. This seems like a bad move.

 

[purplesunshine]

The unfortunate thing about divorce and remarriage…or children then marriage then joint children is that it often puts people in dishonerable situations. I’m not saying your mother is a bad person, but some of her choices haven’t been for the best.

If your mother is financially secure she will not “loose everything”. She WILL have to start over. She will have to live in an apartment, earn money, bring her credit score back up and then buy. Right now SO many people in CA are in forclosure.

And since you’re talking about building a house and buying land I’m guessing this loan is between 100k and 500k. That’s ALOT of money. We aren’t talking a couple thousand to get her on her feet, we aren’t talking even in an annual salary range. As you are now you could have little hope of taking care of a debt like this.

And you’re the co-signer. What happens if you end up saddled with the loan and your mom makes other poor choices? Can you live on that land? Can you sell it? Do you realize that if things go wrong you could be faced with legal action towards your own mother?

This property is also next to your step-father, her ex. Is this really wise? Seriously? I can’t imagine wanting to live next door to someone to whom I had such a past with. What happens if your mother decides that the land is just not worth it? What happens if step-father turns into a raging loon (or any extended family member of his)…will your mom even be safe? There seems to be a large chance for domestic violence issues.

If you’re 23…do you and your wife have other debt that is a factor? Student loans? Car payments? Remember, you would be taking this on yourself.

Find a way in which you are not responsible for more than you can financially handle. Help her hire a good lawyer…in fact…it seems to me that a good one can get a lot more for your mother than she’s received. Stand by her. If she has to move, be there for her and your young sibilings. Cart boxes. If she has to start over then unfortunatly, that’s what happens. Its a horrible situation, but not one that will really be made better by a loan.

 

[m_crane]

Wife or Family?

Wife

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Your mom needs sound financial and legal help. the best thing you can do is help her find an honest banker and a good lawyer. She needs to know what her rights are vs dad and grandpa. If Grandpa actually owns the deed on the land now he maybe able to call the loan at any time and since he is still living the land isn’t anyone’s inheritence yet. Definately do not co-sign a loan you can’t pay. There are many other ways you can help your mom and siblings without doing that. Get good, in person advice from a trusted lawyer and banker before you make any moves anyway.

Speak to your priest and get your prayer chain started. Your family needs more help than just a loan in this situation!

I am not really torn between who to help, I know I want to help my mom. My dad is actually my step-dad, and he never really fulfilled the role of parent and husband at all. Plus in helping my mom, I am also helping my siblings. See, my mom has also invested almost everything she has in this property trying to build a house, and if she loses it she has to start all over. Even with the housing crises, homes in CA are still very expensive, and she is afraid she may have to move out of state.

I know my wife wants me to focus on my family, but in helping my mom, I also help secure our inheritance of a considerable amount(at least to us). Plus I know my mom would do this for us if we needed it, I was just always taught that you help your family however you can.

 

[noclevername]

Remember, there is a reason your mother has a low credit score. Either she has late payments or defaulted on loans or has a credit ratio that is too high. If you co-sign this loan with her, that means you are responsible for this loan too. So if you mother is ever late with the payment or misses a payment or loses her job or whatever, YOU have to pay this loan. It is never a good idea to co-sign a loan for anyone. It will always come back to bite you in the rear. LIsten to your wife on this one, she is a very wise woman.

 

[stadre]

OP, you haven’t posted in a while, so I wonder what you are thinking about all of this. There is a lot of good advice on here about co-signing. You may at this point be thinking none of the bad stuff would happen to you. So here are a few things to add to that:

1. Banks want to give loans. That is how they make money. If they turn down a customer, they must have good reason to think that he/she will not pay them back. They are experts and in co-signing, you would be telling the experts that they don’t know what they are doing.
2. You may be right. Your mother may make all her payments on time and you may never hear about it again. But since your wife is your family and your first priority, you are taking a huge risk. What if she is late a couple of times and you don’t know about it? What if the few late payments effect your credit score not allowing you to buy YOUR home, car, etc? What if it forces you to pay a higher interest for the things your family needs?
3. What if your mom misses a payment and doesn’t let you know so that you can cover it? Your credit score will start to decline. And even if she tells you that she will be missing a payment - can you help - you have already said you don’t have the money to cover it.
4. I am not sure about this - you will need to check - by having this loan in your name, will it effect your ability to get your own mortgage, car loan, etc, even if your mom is always on time with her payments? Is it possible that banks will look at it as YOUR loan (which it is) and see that you cannot possibly pay on your mom’s mortgage as well as your own and refuse a loan for you and your family?

One last thing, and I hope I am just being picky, but there is never a choice between your wife and your family since your wife is your family and she always should come first.