Wife refuses Convalidation ceremony.....now what?

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copeland45

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I’m trying to get my marriage blessed, but my wife refuses to participate. I can hardly blame her. 3 years ago I moved out of the bedroom so that I could receive the Sacraments, and since then we’ve obviously had almost zero physical intimacy. This has led to emotional issues in the marriage, and now my wife is downright angry at the RCC (she’s obviously not Catholic). Also, she is an alcoholic.

I’ve offered to go to marriage counseling, but now she doesn’t even want to do that. To be honest, the only reason we are still living under the same roof is because of our two children. I don’t trust her to take care of them alone. Thankfully, she consented to their being baptized Catholic.

So I guess the question is: what does the Church recommend for an invalid marriage when the Catholic partner is trying to do the right thing but is getting no cooperation from the spouse? I guess I brought this on myself by marrying outside the Church (in both senses), but that ship has now sailed. Do I have grounds for an annulment. Not saying I want one, but just curious. Also, if she filed for divorce without my consent (which she threatens to do, although I don’t think she ever would), would I have grounds to seek an annulment?
 
Talk to your pastor. This is not an easy question, there are many variables that we can’t know, and answering will be an iterative process that you’ll want to address with someone who can know as much as possible about your situation, and possibly meet with your wife.
 
copeland45 said:
So I guess the question is: what does the Church recommend for an invalid marriage when the Catholic partner is trying to do the right thing but is getting no cooperation from the spouse?
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There are two types of convalidation: simple and radical. Simple convalidation is the easiest route, and involves consent from both parties. Radical sanation can be done without a spouse’s consent, and can be used in cases involving nonCatholic spouses that would react badly if they had to give consent. HOWEVER, it is not likely to be granted in a case like yours, where there are severe marital difficulties.

Do I have grounds for an annulment.

Since you currently are in a marriage that is not recognized by the Church, there is no marriage to declare invalid; it’s already invalid. It’s a simple lack of form case. I don’t recommend thinking that far ahead. You have children, so you should speak to your pastor, and try to work things out with your wife (aka, the mother of your children).
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
Since you currently are in a marriage that is not recognized by the Church, there is no marriage to declare invalid; it’s already invalid. It’s a simple lack of form case. I don’t recommend thinking that far ahead. You have children, so you should speak to your pastor, and try to work things out with your wife (aka, the mother of your children).
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If we separated for any reason and it led to a civil divorce, I would need an annulment to remarry. Not that I would want to.
 
Yes, talk to your priest. This is very complicated and internet strangers can’t help too much.

Just to play devil’s advocate for a moment…I can certainly understand that your wife is angry with the Church. Based on Church teaching, you’ve changed the rules of the game for her and removed intimacy from the marriage. This would be very hard to understand and accept. I’m not saying you were wrong to do so, but I do see why your wife would see it that way. I’ll offer a prayer for both of you at this difficult time.
 
copeland45 said:
If we separated for any reason and it led to a civil divorce, I would need an annulment to remarry. Not that I would want to.
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You would simply need to be declared free to marry, and that would depend on the jurisdiction you live. The U.S. treats this particular situation different from other countries. In some countries, no marriage noted on the baptismal marriage means no marriage to be annulled.
 
Talk to a priest, and pray a lot.

Remember that she needs you badly, she needs your help, and her extreme reactions are an indication that she loves you very much.

Ideally she’d just become Catholic. I don’t know why that’s not happening and why she’d rather threaten a divorce than consider RCIA. That’s up to you to discern, and maybe you can be helped in this by a priest or some Catholic minister dedicated to these issues.

Just stay close to Christ and the Sacraments, and I promise you things will improve, God willing.
 
copeland45 said:
I’m trying to get my marriage blessed, but my wife refuses to participate. I can hardly blame her. 3 years ago I moved out of the bedroom so that I could receive the Sacraments, and since then we’ve obviously had almost zero physical intimacy. This has led to emotional issues in the marriage, and now my wife is downright angry at the RCC (she’s obviously not Catholic). Also, she is an alcoholic.

I’ve offered to go to marriage counseling, but now she doesn’t even want to do that. To be honest, the only reason we are still living under the same roof is because of our two children. I don’t trust her to take care of them alone. Thankfully, she consented to their being baptized Catholic.

So I guess the question is: what does the Church recommend for an invalid marriage when the Catholic partner is trying to do the right thing but is getting no cooperation from the spouse? I guess I brought this on myself by marrying outside the Church (in both senses), but that ship has now sailed. Do I have grounds for an annulment. Not saying I want one, but just curious. Also, if she filed for divorce without my consent (which she threatens to do, although I don’t think she ever would), would I have grounds to seek an annulment?
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That would be tough…I guess the thing to ask her is if she wants to try to make the marriage work. That is first and foremost. Then if she does…it would be wise to go to marriage counseling to help with that. From there her heart may soften…to the convalidation, which you can put to her as the chance for a fresh start…the renewal of your vows.

If she has no desire to make the marriage work…then you have a tougher problem.
 
R_C said:
Talk to a priest, and pray a lot.

Remember that she needs you badly, she needs your help, and her extreme reactions are an indication that she loves you very much.

Ideally she’d just become Catholic. I don’t know why that’s not happening and why she’d rather threaten a divorce than consider RCIA. That’s up to you to discern, and maybe you can be helped in this by a priest or some Catholic minister dedicated to these issues.

Just stay close to Christ and the Sacraments, and I promise you things will improve, God willing.
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Conversion has to come from the heart. your suggestion is way over the top.

The O.P.'s wife is very hurt by the actions her Husband has taken based on the advice he has received from his Church. that is not conducive to her falling in love with that faith.

O.P. you say that you and your wife have had “Almost no intimacy”. I would suggest, that in the 20/20 vision of hindsight, unless you are using the word intimacy in a euphemistic manner here, that this is a large part of the problem.

In moving into the spare room, you needed to constantly reassure your wife that you were not leaving, abandoning or rejecting her.
according to stereotypes, women are more interested in other forms of intimacy, and men are more interested in sex. I would suggest that as far as possible, that you initiate as much intimacy as possible with your wife, from simple caresses or hand-holding, kissing, massages - everything you can do to show your wife that you still lover her, still want her, and still support her.
 
I have no advice, but I am in a similar situation. You have my sympathy and my prayers.
 
copeland45 said:
After reading about radical sanation, there is no doubt that it is the best course for me:

mm.dio.org/jan_07/item10.pdf
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A radical sanation is only granted when both parties definitely want to continue in the marriage. If there is any reason to doubt your wife’s desire to do so the radical sanation will not be granted. Considering you’re already asking about the possibility of an annulment, which as previous poster said would not be necessary, there would also probably be doubt about your desire to continue in the marriage.
 
anruari said:
Conversion has to come from the heart. your suggestion is way over the top. The O.P.'s wife is very hurt by the actions her Husband has taken based on the advice he has received from his Church. that is not conducive to her falling in love with that faith.
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I said I did not know why she acted such way. Your reasoning makes sense to me. However, I still think she needs his help and she loves him - two things that in this situation may not be very evident.

Praying that things will improve, God willing.
 
copeland45 said:
I’m trying to get my marriage blessed, but my wife refuses to participate. I can hardly blame her. 3 years ago I moved out of the bedroom so that I could receive the Sacraments, and since then we’ve obviously had almost zero physical intimacy. This has led to emotional issues in the marriage, and now my wife is downright angry at the RCC (she’s obviously not Catholic). Also, she is an alcoholic.

I’ve offered to go to marriage counseling, but now she doesn’t even want to do that. To be honest, the only reason we are still living under the same roof is because of our two children. I don’t trust her to take care of them alone. Thankfully, she consented to their being baptized Catholic.

So I guess the question is: what does the Church recommend for an invalid marriage when the Catholic partner is trying to do the right thing but is getting no cooperation from the spouse? I guess I brought this on myself by marrying outside the Church (in both senses), but that ship has now sailed. Do I have grounds for an annulment. Not saying I want one, but just curious. Also, if she filed for divorce without my consent (which she threatens to do, although I don’t think she ever would), would I have grounds to seek an annulment?
Click to expand...
Apart from all of your other problems and concerns, I highly recommend Al-Anon for support with her alcoholism. If she is still drinking then you cannot safely leave the children in her care. Remember you are obligated to bring your children up in the faith as well. A challenge all the way around. It sounds as though your wife feels very hurt that the Church is important enough that you would sacrifice intimacy with her so that you can receive the Eucharist. Hard for non-Catholics to understand that. Would she attend counseling with you? I hope so.
 
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