Wife refuses to convalidate marriage. Am I wrong to divorce her?

[no_fixd_address]

8 years ago we were civilly married. Since that time, I have had a renewal of faith and have grown to want to follow Church teachings. We do not live together. In September, I will be taking a “Foundations for Ministry” course run by the diocese.

My wife refuses to convalidate our marriage. She claims it violates her dignity and beliefs. She feels it is a bureaucratic rubber stamp and an insult to our original vows. She has a “Jesus, Bible and me” mentality, and doesn’t think a church is necessary to be a Christian.

I do not qualify for a radical sanation and I can’t remember why.

We have broken up over this more than once. I can’t take such a course in good conscience, and be involved in any ministry in the Church without a sacramental marriage. We had our convalidation ceremony booked in two weeks, and she has backed out. The course begins in September. She refuses to be taught or read anything about Catholic marriage or Catholic anything for that matter. I think 8 years of patience is enough.

I believe I am doing the right thing perusing a divorce. She is a road block to my walk and development. I love her very much and it is extremely painful for both of us. The counsel I have received from priests is “you will have to decide for yourself”. My question is “Am I religiously deluded?”

 

[Promotor_Fidei]

no_fixd_address:

The counsel I have received from priests is “you will have to decide for yourself”.

My advice is the same as theirs. You are unevenly yoked, I feel for you.

 

[WanderAimlessly]

Get in contact with your diocese and maybe a Canon Lawyer. You marrage may not of been sacramentally valid. If this is so, you will be able to get an annulment. If it is found that your marrage is not valid, then it is not wrong to get a divorse.

PF

 

[tee_eff_em]

WanderAimlessly:

Get in contact with your diocese and maybe a Canon Lawyer. You marrage may not of been sacramentally valid. If this is so, you will be able to get an annulment. If it is found that your marrage is not valid, then it is not wrong to get a divorse.

PF

If I understand correctly, however, a putative marriage is not to be investigated unless there has been a civil divorce first.

tee

 

[USMC]

8 years ago we were civilly married. Since that time, I have had a renewal of faith and have grown to want to follow Church teachings.

If you were Baptized Catholic and later fell away, then your civil marriage was not a marriage at all. It may be considered a “putative marriage”, but there is neither a natural, nor a supernatural bond That is because, in order for a Catholic to be married, they are required to follow the Church rules on matrimon.

However, it is possible that a person’s marriage may not be sacramental, yet still be a true marrige. For example if one spouse is baptized and another is not, they CAN have a true marriage, but it will not be a sacramental marriage.

Many people think that only a sacramental marriage is a true marriage, but that is not right. A non sacramental marriage can be a true marriage. In the Old Testament the marriages were non sacramental, yet they were true mariages.

A marriage bond of a non sacramental marriage is only a “natural” bond, whereas a sacramental marriage is a supernatural bond, that cannot be disolved. A non sacramental, but true marriage, can be desolved by the Church, but a sacramental marriage cannot be.

The Church can and does dissolve true marriages that are non sacramental. It is actually pretty common. It is not an annulment, since the Church is not declaring that the marriage never occurred. It is, rather, an actual severing of the matrimonial bond, and is called a “privilege of the faith”, or a "Pauline Privilege). A non-sacramental marriage can be disolved by the Church.

I don’t know your situation, but if you are in a valid, but non-sacramental marriage, I think it would be unwise, and displeasing to God for you to seek a divorce. If you marriage is invalid, on the other hand, that is another story.

In the Old Testament, when there were no sacramental marriages, God told us that He “hates divorce”. That would apply just as well today with non sacramental, but true marriages.

Remember the saying that “charity begins at home”. I don’t know all the details of your situation, but I would be very cautious in seeking a divorce so you can “serve the Lord better”. That may well be a deception of the devil. If you have kids, think what it will do to them.

I would seek out another priest. One who will help you form the correct decision and not just tell you to decide for yourself. That is my advice.

 

[Liberian]

NoFixdAddress,

While I can appreciate your feelings, I don’t think I can agree that eight years of patience is long enough. My heart tells me–and you need to be EXTREMELY careful whenever somebody else tells you what his heart is telling him about you, take it with a serious grain of salt–that you should not start a divorce. This is especially true if there are any children involved; they did not ask for your and your wife’s troubles and deserve better.

• Liberian

 

[Celia]

For what it’s worth, just so it may help in your decision, you can get your marriage validated without your spouses approval, even without their knowledge. It’s called a radical sanation. I don’t think it’s done too often, but it’s a possibility. Maybe you could ask your priest about that, if that’s a route you want to take.

 

[no_fixd_address]

Thanks. My pastor just told me it is more imortant to preserve the marriage as it exists, forget about convalidation if I have to, skip the course, and find other less obvious ways to serve in the church. I will have to chew on that for a while.

 

[Catholic2003]

no_fixd_address:

I do not qualify for a radical sanation and I can’t remember why.

From your comments such as “We do not live together” and “We have broken up over this more than once”, it might be that your marriage is not stable enough:

Canon 1161 §3 A retroactive validation is not to be granted unless it is probable that the parties intend to persevere in conjugal life.

 

[CARose]

no_fixd_address:

Thanks. My pastor just told me it is more imortant to preserve the marriage as it exists, forget about convalidation if I have to, skip the course, and find other less obvious ways to serve in the church. I will have to chew on that for a while.

NFA,

I encourage you to heed the advice of your pastor. I know your situation better than might believe and I understand all the complications this can create in your life, as you seek to love and serve the Lord, within the constraints of the authority he has given us through the Church.

The bible makes it quite clear that we are to remain with the non-believer, praying that they come to fully know and love the Lord. Do not leave your wife. On the other hand, if she finally gave up on the relationship, you would be free to seek an annulment and allow the Church to determine if you have grounds for a declaration of nullity.

In the meantime, your primary vocation, as a married man, even if not sacramentally, is to be a husband to your wife and a father to any children you may already have. You probably already understand the consequences to your congegal acts in a marriage which has not been blessed by the Church. I suspect this may have a role in your seperations. You may want to see this your having an opportunity to demonstrate the extent of your love for Christ as evidenced by your obedience to the Church he left on earth.

As such, we pray that this obedience will be rewarded, and if possible in a way that brings others to Christ, primarily your spouse.

I will pray for you, that your wife might in some way be touched by Christ and that she might respond to the truth you have sought to share. God Bless you as you seek to further participate in serving Christ through the church he founded.

Perhaps the mere example of your private struggle is adequate for a world where sexual sin and lack of respect for the authority of the church are pandemic.

You are in my prayers,

CARose

 

[Deacon_Tony560]

Celia:

For what it’s worth, just so it may help in your decision, you can get your marriage validated without your spouses approval, even without their knowledge. It’s called a radical sanation. I don’t think it’s done too often, but it’s a possibility. Maybe you could ask your priest about that, if that’s a route you want to take.

Great advice. This is a little known fact. A person can contact a canon lawyer and find out about this. Some pastors might not be aware of this. The church wants so much for the faithful to fully partake of its Sacramental life, that it goes all out to help those in your situation.

 

[mosher]

NFA

Pray to Saint Monica - I think you will have a special devotion to her because you two share a similar situation. Through her tears and prayers after 40 years she effected the conversion of her husband on his death bed and the conversion of her son St. Augustine, Bishop and Doctor of the Church.

 

[dawnicamar]

Catholic2003:

From your comments such as “We do not live together” and “We have broken up over this more than once”, it might be that your marriage is not stable enough:

Part of radical sanation also requires that you have not promised to raise your children as anything other than Catholic. If you have made such a promise at some point, I believe radical sanation cannot be granted. Am I correct in this? Someone?

 

[puzzleannie]

every marriage case is unique, see your pastor without delay, perhaps the advice you were given years ago was wrong or did not take all the facts into account. anything here is general, you need pastoral guidance on your particular situation, and this is not the place to get it.

 

[Catholic2003]

dawnicamar:

Part of radical sanation also requires that you have not promised to raise your children as anything other than Catholic. If you have made such a promise at some point, I believe radical sanation cannot be granted. Am I correct in this? Someone?

My understanding is that the bishop decides whether to grant the radical sanation or not. He may or may not take into consideration a promise to raise children outside the Catholic faith, as he sees fit.

But your best bet is to talk to him or his staff directly, and find out.

 

[Della]

I just wanted to put in a good word for your wife. And I say this with all sympathy for your situation and hers.

If she is not and never was a Catholic and has no desire to be a Catholic or enter into a Catholic marriage that is her prerogative. You cannot decide for her what she will accept and not accept–that is violating her free will.

Does she want to end the marriage or does she want to go on being married with the understanding that she will not be pressured into accepting or doing anything she doesn’t want to do/isn’t ready to do? You know, not everyone comes to belief in the Church in the same way or at the same time. It may be that you expected something of her she was not ready to accept and when she wouldn’t budge, as was her right, you pushed it on her, meaning nothing but good, no doubt, but you can see the result.

Live with your long suffering wife if she is willing and love her and let her love you. Let the Holy Spirit work out if and when she will be willing to have your marriage convalidated. That is your first and most important vocation and ministry. You made vows to God and to her (even though it was a civil ceremony) that you cannot escape because you want to be more visibly active in your faith. Do whatever you can in whatever ministry is available for you, but don’t break up your marriage or force your wife into any permanent decisions over it. God is able to work with us in all our imperfections in many ways. Your vocation as husband trumps all others.

 

[WICatholic]

no_fixd_address:

Thanks. My pastor just told me it is more imortant to preserve the marriage as it exists, forget about convalidation if I have to, skip the course, and find other less obvious ways to serve in the church. I will have to chew on that for a while.

That would be exactly what I was going to say. Divorce is a grave matter, according to the Catechism. Divorce does cause serious problems for the children (read Elizabeth Marquardt works, etc). americanvalues.org/html/the_bad_divorce.htm

randomhouse.com/author/results.pperl?authorid=62251

americanvalues.org/html/3_ministering_to_cod.html

You are to be the instrument of Salvation for your bride. That is part of the vocation of marriage.

Talk to Fr Corapi about marriage and suffering. Listen to some of his talks. Listen to Archbishop Sheen about marriage problems.

americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm

Read Elizabeth Leseur’s Journal, and their story.

catholic.net/RCC/Periodicals/Faith/0102-97/bio.html

Stop trying to change your wife and begin to love her where she is at, offering it all to Him for your salvation as One. There is only one Holy Spirit, and in time, He will work in her heart. Serving her will be serving Him, and serving His Church, as it is what Jesus does for His Bride (see the man’s part in Ephesians 5.)

God bless.

 

[WICatholic]

Della:

I just wanted to put in a good word for your wife. And I say this with all sympathy for your situation and hers.

If she is not and never was a Catholic and has no desire to be a Catholic or enter into a Catholic marriage that is her prerogative. You cannot decide for her what she will accept and not accept–that is violating her free will.

Does she want to end the marriage or does she want to go on being married with the understanding that she will not be pressured into accepting or doing anything she doesn’t want to do/isn’t ready to do? You know, not everyone comes to belief in the Church in the same way or at the same time. It may be that you expected something of her she was not ready to accept and when she wouldn’t budge, as was her right, you pushed it on her, meaning nothing but good, no doubt, but you can see the result.

Live with your long suffering wife if she is willing and love her and let her love you. Let the Holy Spirit work out if and when she will be willing to have your marriage convalidated. That is your first and most important vocation and ministry. You made vows to God and to her (even though it was a civil ceremony) that you cannot escape because you want to be more visibly active in your faith. Do whatever you can in whatever ministry is available for you, but don’t break up your marriage or force your wife into any permanent decisions over it. God is able to work with us in all our imperfections in many ways. Your vocation as husband trumps all others.

I had not read this when I wrote mine, but there is not a word in here that I could not write, and absolutely agree with. In fact, my response is almost a confirmation of what you have written here.

 

[allhers]

WICatholic:

That would be exactly what I was going to say. Divorce is a grave matter, according to the Catechism. Divorce does cause serious problems for the children (read Elizabeth Marquardt works, etc). americanvalues.org/html/the_bad_divorce.htm

randomhouse.com/author/results.pperl?authorid=62251

americanvalues.org/html/3_ministering_to_cod.html

You are to be the instrument of Salvation for your bride. That is part of the vocation of marriage.

Talk to Fr Corapi about marriage and suffering. Listen to some of his talks. Listen to Archbishop Sheen about marriage problems.

americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm

Read Elizabeth Leseur’s Journal, and their story.

catholic.net/RCC/Periodicals/Faith/0102-97/bio.html

Stop trying to change your wife and begin to love her where she is at, offering it all to Him for your salvation as One. There is only one Holy Spirit, and in time, He will work in her heart. Serving her will be serving Him, and serving His Church, as it is what Jesus does for His Bride (see the man’s part in Ephesians 5.)

God bless.

Excellent advice! Listen to your Pastor, pray for her, and we will all pray for both of you. You said yourself that you love her and that this is very painful for both of you, so, continue to pray and not try to beat her over the head with this, just keep quiet about it and perservere in prayer. Never cease praying. Patience is a virtue, and look at how long it took St. Monica (40 years). Now that’s patience!

 

[Elizabeth2]

I would check out the reason why you are not eligible for a sanation and make sure that you were given the right advice about it. Things may have changed since you last enquired. If not, if you are going to stay in this marriage, you need to do everything possible to try and have your marriage approved by the Church for your own peace of soul. I would say maybe get some counselling from a good Christian Counsellor as to how approach this subject with your wife. My husband was married before and his first wife, a non Catholic, refused to cooperate with the tribunal. He had asked her to go for an interview and she wouldn’t. Like you I had a renewal of my faith after being married in a Civil Marriage Ceremony and the fact that I was unable to receive the sacraments was a source of great suffering for me. I prayed but also never gave up, I knew there were grounds for an annulment. I took many advisors and finally one woman said to me, “Surely if she knew what it meant to you she would want to help.” She said it with such conviction that it gave me the courage to write to my husban’s first wife and tell her what it meant to me not to be able to receive the Sacraments and have our marriage accepted by the Church, and within a few days she had contacted my husband and agreed to be interviewed. I wouldn’t give up on the idea that your wife will one day agree to a convalidation. A few minutes of her time, a lifetime of peace of mind for you. It doesn’t seem too much to ask of a loved one, and miracles do happen. You’re in my prayers.