Wife said she loves another man and wants to end our Marriage

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mickeyblueeyes

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My wife and I have been married for 8 years and have 3 young children together (6,4 and 2) and we have always had an up and down relationship, bit as practicing Catholics, we have always had our faith at the centre of the marriage. She and I have said hurtful things to each other, and she has at times lashed out at me, and on occasion I had to restrain her when she was being violent toward me. But neither of us are blameless.

When our last son was born we had a big argument, and she moved to her Mothers and took the 2 children with her. After long conversations with her dad and others, we worked hard to put things right. She refused counselling saying it was too expensive, as by now she had not worked for 5 years.

She had our 3rd child and he was really poorly, in attend out of hospital attended our faith was really tested.

We then kind of got stuck in a rut and as she is a breastfeeding mum, the intimacy dropped and on reflection, I just blanked it out.

Fast forward to December 17, and in the midst of preparing for Christmas etc. I didn’t see just how far we were growing apart, and often if we had an argument, rather than continue an argument I would walk away and go for a drive for an hour or so to clear my head.

After Christmas, I noticed she had beven texting and calling another man who also volunteers at our Church. And I asked her what was going on, and it was then that she said she didn’t love me anymore and she loved him. It broke my heart, I messaged him to ask him to give us some time and space to allow us to try and save our marriage, and he said he would, and as he claimed to be a man of faith, I believed he would, I signed up for counselling but she refused again. 24 hours later, she had reconnected with him and again told me she loved him. She then moved out of the marital home to her mum and dads, and I then discovered he had been staying there with her, bathing my children and putting them to bed. Heartbreaking. I have prayed and spoke to a church leaders, but she is still set that the marriage is effectively over.

She even told me I couldn’t go to our Church, and I later found out he was there with her 😦

I feel ready to accept it if she is so infatuated with this man, as I know I cannot change her mind or tell her how to control her feelings, but I am struggling to rationalise what she has done and how she can reconcile these actions with our faith.

Sorry for the long post, but please pray for me, and if anyone has any practical advice, please advise.

The irony in last Sunday’s gospel was talking how a wife needs to cherish and honour her husband, and whilst I know that I have not always been the best husband, through Christ I can only be a better person.
 
So sorry, will keep you in my prayers mickey.

Curious though, why are her parents so quick to allow this man to come over? Does the priest know a volunteer at the parish is aiding in the divorce of one its couples; if not, in your shoes, I would make it so?
 
Because they have just accepted that they want her to be “happy” and yes, I have confided in my priest. He said he will discuss the matter with another priest and maybe reach out to her. But like I said, I fear her heart has already been lost
:*(
 
mickeyblueeyes said:
I messaged him to ask him to give us some time and space to allow us to try and save our marriage, and he said he would, and as he claimed to be a man of faith, I believed he would
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Very “civilized” interaction between husband and adulterer!
mickeyblueeyes said:
She then moved out of the marital home to her mum and dads, and I then discovered he had been staying there with her, bathing my children and putting them to bed. Heartbreaking.
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Remarkably accommodating parents-in-law you have! They must think poorly of you?
mickeyblueeyes said:
She even told me I couldn’t go to our Church, and I later found out he was there with her 😦
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I wonder how the priest reacts to seeing her there with her lover? Wouldn’t it make sense for her to go where she’s not known?
mickeyblueeyes said:
The irony in last Sunday’s gospel was talking how a wife needs to cherish and honour her husband
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…and the corresponding duty of husbands. Are you referring to the 2nd reading?
 
Also, think about what you can do differently. You are the husband and father, you don’t drive away or really even step outside if she is yelling at you etc. After you have made attempts to get your point across and it is not working and you do not believe she is adding anything to change your mind, simply ignore her.

“Little Timmy, I can’t hear what your dino is saying because my wife is being so loud” Seriously just tune her out completely if you have to.

It is ok for both of you (personal opinion) to have an emotional reaction to something unexpected, but after a few minutes you need to calm down and think rationally about the situation. Forgive and forget. Unless it is something that is truly life changing just let it go. Move on and try to be positive, almost to the point of seeming delusional or insane, it will feel that way but when you realize you do not harbor that angry it is pretty great.

No good advice for your current predicimate. She is having a hard time with little kids and might think this will be easier, show her that you can be a good and helpful dad and husband, but as long as she is separated, I personally, wouldn’t be very accommodating to helping.
 
Fight for her. Woo her. Court her.

During a fight, to simply leave and go for a nice ride told her that she was not important enough to even debate. Dismissive behavior never works.

Women want to be important and if their husband does not make them feel that way, some other man will. Faith dude is doing that. Next call is “my wife is a married woman and I am ready to fight to win her back. Stay away from her.”

Then YOU go to counseling.

Book a Retrouvaille weekend and tell her it is paid for and scheduled.

Learn to communicate. Apologize to her and promise to be a better husband. Put God first.

This is an excellent resource http://www.maritalhealing.com/
 
I am booked for counselling myself. I have committed to this, and I have told hermany times how I am willing to fight, but with her telling me she loves another man, I cannot control that. She has to want to allow me the opportunity to show her I am willing and committed, but what can I do? 😟
 
Stop telling her and show her.

Actions.

Appears that she appreciates “acts of service”. What projects has she been “nagging” you to do around the house? Do them. Pick up the kids. Give them baths and take them to a park so she can have some free time to read a book. You know your wife, how did you woo her the first time?

ETA. Do NOT run away from your parish. Stand. Go to Mass. Sit in the front row and sing. Dress in your best suit. Ask her out for lunch after Mass.
 
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Horrible situation.

Practically speaking, I think you need to get a lawyer ASAP, at least if you want to maximize your chances of keeping the kids.
 
Sorry to hear that. I don’t really have much advice to give here. I suppose you could reach out to your wife but at the end of the day if she makes a decision to end your relationship then there’s not much you can do to stop her.

You can’t really rationalise or reconcile these actions with your faith. If she choses to go down that path then it’s a simple case that she is walking away from the faith.

Just a thought…rather than going to a different Church I would actually inform the pastor of your church that your wife is comitting adultery and perhaps she shouldn’t recieve.

Lots of people develop feelings for other people either while married or in religious life/priesthood. I know a priest who fell in love with a woman who he knew from parish work. He had genuine feelings for her. He asked the Bishop for a transfer. We don’t have to give in to our feelings. Especially if we have made a comittment to a particular way of life.

Praying for you.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
Appears that she appreciates “acts of service”. What projects has she been “nagging” you to do around the house? Do them. Pick up the kids. Give them baths and take them to a park so she can have some free time to read a book. You know your wife, how did you woo her the first time?

ETA. Do NOT run away from your parish. Stand. Go to Mass. Sit in the front row and sing. Dress in your best suit. Ask her out for lunch after Mass.
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I don’t think this is great advice to be honest. He might not have been the perfect husband but the solution is not to abscond with another guy.

It’s not like he should have to beg her to come back if she decides to commit adultery. I mean, anything the OP did couldn’t possibly be as bad as that…unless he was beating her or something.
 
I don’t like to think we are there yet, the children need their mum and dad, and things are not too far down the road that I beleive it is all lost. She has already said she never wants the Children not to see me, and I fear going legal now would only make a bad situation even worse.
 
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Take it from a woman, from a wife of many decades. Most women in this world need to be woo’ed. We want a knight who will fight to win our hearts and protect us and our children.
 
Since the birth of our last child, there seemed to be little time (other than her being a breastfeeding mum) and I just accepted that. As for the comment about if I was beating her, no, I would never raise my hand to a woman. She would lash out at me, and I would have to push her away, but never did I raise my hand to her. Edited to clarify
 
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I promptly tell your inlaws to bug(is that a really bad thing in British speak?) off. Make sure the ‘volunteer’ is essentially a pirrah in the church. Even if it is a matter of being loud and public.

The inlaws, or any extended family, that took that much of a step into my marriage would definitely loose my trust by showing that much disloyalty. They should be the most concerned for their grandchildren’s’ upbringing and welfare; ie. keeping their parents marriage together barring some form of abuse. Their daughter’s happiness became secondary once that first kid popped out.

I’ll second the motion to go legal, at the very least,if you get back together she may understand how bad she is let things go and how bad it can get.

If there is any doubt about how bad it is…SOME OTHER DUDE WASHED YOUR KIDS.
 
Look after your kids and yourself and keep trying to get your wife back.

Sooner or later, the bloom may well be off the rose with this new bloke and if your wife feels the door is still open at your home, she may well seek to return.

And yes, keep going to church and be nice and visible. It is completely ridiculous for anyone to tell their estranged spouse not to go to a church where they both have been members, or to a club or a restaurant or anywhere else where said estranged spouse wants to go, unless there is a legal protection order in place.
 
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Adulteresses don’t need to be “wooed.” They need to be told that what they’re doing is deeply wrong and is damaging everyone concerned–especially the couple’s children. And frankly, licking this woman’s feet is not going to increase her attraction to her husband.

OP, I’m sorry. Our society has made it very easy for people like your wife to unilaterally decide to blow up the family because they aren’t happy. I recommend talking to a lawyer and getting your financial ducks in a row. By all means pray for your wife; perhaps God will change her heart. In the mean time, stay in your children’s lives as much as possible, do not let your wife drive you away from church, and speak civilly to her and of her, especially in front of your kids.
 
TheLittleLady said:
Take it from a woman, from a wife of many decades. Most women in this world need to be woo’ed. We want a knight who will fight to win our hearts and protect us and our children.
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Yeah. But if my wife went off with another guy I wouldn’t think it’s up to me to make the attempt any more.
 
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