Wife seems to hate me

  • Thread starter Thread starter BF50
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
B

BF50

Guest
I have been married for 17 years. For 12 years or so, my wife seemed to really love me. At some point 5 ish years ago, she made a comment that she did not think we had a very good marriage. This came as a HUGE shock to me as we had always stayed up and talked, went on dates regularly, discussed everything together and had no issues as far as the bedroom goes. Her reasoning was I put too much emphasis on the kids. While I openly admit, I put a lot of effort into the kids, I have always tried to put her first and apologized when she would feel like I didn’t. I will give a brief summary of the last 5 years of detioration:
  1. Company I helped her brother start was sold, I was minority partner by a lot.
  2. I stayed on with new company and even received a promotion. However, they continuously lied about the bonus I was going to get. Therefore the finances were tight.
  3. I had to sign a non compete when company was sold so my options were limited in my industry. However, I was presented with an opportunity 3 years ago to make my own product. I decided to do it and quit 2 years ago because of the worry of. On comped when I started selling. I had enough of a nest egg to get by.
  4. Fast forward to now and the product is selling. I have actually liscene ed it to a company and we will receive quarterly royalties. However, they are just now coming close to covering our expenses.
  5. She has had to help pay for bills. Which she states she would never do if she worked. I told her I didn’t want her to work if she didn’t want to but she has insisted on working.
  6. BecUse she is working, and thinks I don’t, she refuses to do anything around the house or drive the kids anywhere and expects all meals to be cooked and sometimes wants breakfast in bed. In the past this was somewhat cute becasue she appreciated very much. However, since she demands it now, out of respect for myself, I won’t do it unless she says thanks or is not demanding.
  7. I have found 2 other companies that want me to develop and design equipment for them and will pay me up front. This, along with royalties, will give us more money than we could ever hope for but we have to tough it out for 6 months.
  8. Every day she hates me more and spends all of her time away from the house and recently told me I should think about leaving.
  9. She always accuses me of lying, which BELIEVE ME, I don’t do. The things I’m accused of lying about are idiotic, such as, did I re stain the floor again because it’s sticky? I didn’t so I said no. She flew off the handle. Yet I will catch her in lies from time to time about stupid things like going to eat with step son when she was going to be at sisters house. Step son has been a huge trouble maker but I’m his biggest supporter. In fact, he works my parents restaurant. So I’m. It sure why she would lie about it.
    Anyone who has advice, please help.
 
5 years ago your wife says your marriage is bad!?

Dude. You are five years tardy in calling a marriage counselor.

Do so asap.
 
What makes you think it has not been suggested? I am asking for help understanding the situation. I have suggested a Priest. She was not opposed to it, I was going to schedule it and she said let’s hold off, I think things seem to be going better. Which they seemed to be. And then if you re read the list, it started to gradually deteriorate more and more from there. I appreciate your reply, however, using dude to address me makes me believe you may not be mature enough to understand my problem anyway. Right, dude?
 
BF50 said:
What makes you think it has not been suggested? I am asking for help understanding the situation. I have suggested a Priest. She was not opposed to it, I was going to schedule it and she said let’s hold off, I think things seem to be going better. Which they seemed to be. And then if you re read the list, it started to gradually deteriorate more and more from there. I appreciate your reply, however, using dude to address me makes me believe you may not be mature enough to understand my problem anyway. Right, dude?
Click to expand...
Sir,
The internet, And in particular, CAF is not set up to serve as a replacement for profesional help. Our advice on here cannot really go beyond seeking appropriate channels. So, seeking a good therapist is crucial. And if she won’t go. Then you go. And that will get you the advice and tools you need to navigate your situation. Anonymous posters on this or any site will only give you opinions that will further confuse you. To be honest your post was confusing about the job and money issues. Perhaps the two are related but certainly communication is needed between you two.
I really hope you can work through this.
Other posters may record retrovaille as an option as well.
E5men is a good program for some to improve thier marriage. It’s based off prayer and fasting specifically for your wife. I cannot stress enough how much prayer should be a part of this.
I know personally that if my wife dropped the we don’t have a good marriage bomb on me 5 years ago I’d do everything in my power to rectify that!
You should also have a good priest or spiritual advisor.

Finally, regular and frequent adoration is a very powerful weapon. You alone, with Jesus, laying it all before him. Find a specific time and do it every week.

Is that more what you were looking for?😉
 
That’s much better. I appreciate you taking the time to thoughtfully respond. However, may I suggest 1 more thing? When someone is posting what is obviously a very difficult thing to talk about, don’t take it as lightly as you seem to be. You never know how close someone is is to the end of their rope or the proverbial breaking point where they end it all. Having said that, you offered sound advice. I have decided this isn’t the place for me to discus something of this magnitude that I was hesitant to discuss anyway. I was foolishly hoping to find a few people who had been through a similar type of situation and could discuss it with me so I could understand it myself better. I am also not so stubborn as to think I am above fault in the situation and if I could have discussed this with someone from the opposite side of the fence, they may have been able to help me as well.
Thanks again for the advice, i am hopeful I can find help elsewhere. I will continue to pray everyday, go to Mass at least every Sunday, Confession once a week, Adoration when I can and start back up the Family Rosary everyday once school is back in session.
 
You know what CAF is good for?

Prayers. And I’ll as you to our family rosary tonight.
 
Hi BF50, the situation with your marriage sounds sad for you and your children, but also for your wife who doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate your efforts sufficiently. However, it seems you both have been through difficult times, whatever the causes as perceived by you both. There does appear to be some basic lack of communication that might be due to personality and perceptual differences.
It does appear that you have sincerely tried to serve your children and your wife in the best ways you can.
I pray that love and mutual understanding will prevail throughout your family and in your marriage relationship. God grant you strength and wisdom in the painful circumstances you are dealing with.
 
I can’t help but make this observation… among all the points you’ve listed, it seems like work and job are terribly important and at the center of things.

I have no idea how that may help, but I’m just letting you know of how things appear to an outsider as you share your struggles. Less work, more lovey time for her?
 
Does religion play a part in your lives? I know that has really helped our marriage over the past 48 years. And quite frankly there have been many time each of us felt like the marriage was a failure and we hated each other.

As I just told my niece (about another kin relationship), you don’t have to like the person, but you have to love the person, meaning agape love, not feeling-love.

There could also be some psychological problems, even though from your description it doesn’t sound severe (if there are such problems).

I have a relative that has either borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. He is almost impossible to live with. His first marriage failed, and his wife is just hanging on out of duty in his second.

Religion, church going, speaking to the pastor really helps.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
You know what CAF is good for?

Prayers. And I’ll as you to our family rosary tonight.
Click to expand...
Praying that the OP is able to find a good counselor to help him through this marriage and that his wife will agree to go as well since she has noted she would like him to leave, things seem quite serious now.

There is always hope of restoration of a marriage and with God all things are possible.

God bless,

Mary.
 
BF50 said:
…When someone is posting what is obviously a very difficult thing to talk about, don’t take it as lightly as you seem to be. You never know how close someone is is to the end of their rope or the proverbial breaking point where they end it all…
Click to expand...
The idea that a person ought to assume that suicidal ideation is likely to be an element of the situation you described is very concerning. Please get counselling without delay. If you or your wife has ever expressed the idea of “ending it all,” even in a way that tries to pass itself off as flippant, tell that to the counselor. That is not something people typically throw out as a possibility. It is more like saying, “And how do you know I’m not planning to set our house on fire?” Well, because it is unthinkable to someone who hasn’t ever thought to do it or feared someone else would, that is why. If you have thought of doing it or you have feared your wife has, take that symptom as seriously as the symptoms of a heart attack. It is.
 
EasterJoy said:
The idea that a person ought to assume that suicidal ideation is likely to be an element of the situation you described is very concerning. Please get counselling without delay. If you or your wife has ever expressed the idea of “ending it all,” even in a way that tries to pass itself off as flippant, tell that to the counselor. That is not something people typically throw out as a possibility. It is more like saying, “And how do you know I’m not planning to set our house on fire?” Well, because it is unthinkable to someone who hasn’t ever thought to do it or feared someone else would, that is why. If you have thought of doing it or you have feared your wife has, take that symptom as seriously as the symptoms of a heart attack. It is.
Click to expand...
This
 
BF50 said:
I have been married for 17 years. For 12 years or so, my wife seemed to really love me. At some point 5 ish years ago, she made a comment that she did not think we had a very good marriage. This came as a HUGE shock to me as we had always stayed up and talked, went on dates regularly, discussed everything together and had no issues as far as the bedroom goes. Her reasoning was I put too much emphasis on the kids. While I openly admit, I put a lot of effort into the kids, I have always tried to put her first and apologized when she would feel like I didn’t. I will give a brief summary of the last 5 years of detioration:
  1. Company I helped her brother start was sold, I was minority partner by a lot.
  2. I stayed on with new company and even received a promotion. However, they continuously lied about the bonus I was going to get. Therefore the finances were tight.
  3. I had to sign a non compete when company was sold so my options were limited in my industry. However, I was presented with an opportunity 3 years ago to make my own product. I decided to do it and quit 2 years ago because of the worry of. On comped when I started selling. I had enough of a nest egg to get by.
  4. Fast forward to now and the product is selling. I have actually liscene ed it to a company and we will receive quarterly royalties. However, they are just now coming close to covering our expenses.
  5. She has had to help pay for bills. Which she states she would never do if she worked. I told her I didn’t want her to work if she didn’t want to but she has insisted on working.
  6. BecUse she is working, and thinks I don’t, she refuses to do anything around the house or drive the kids anywhere and expects all meals to be cooked and sometimes wants breakfast in bed. In the past this was somewhat cute becasue she appreciated very much. However, since she demands it now, out of respect for myself, I won’t do it unless she says thanks or is not demanding.
  7. I have found 2 other companies that want me to develop and design equipment for them and will pay me up front. This, along with royalties, will give us more money than we could ever hope for but we have to tough it out for 6 months.
  8. Every day she hates me more and spends all of her time away from the house and recently told me I should think about leaving.
  9. She always accuses me of lying, which BELIEVE ME, I don’t do. The things I’m accused of lying about are idiotic, such as, did I re stain the floor again because it’s sticky? I didn’t so I said no. She flew off the handle. Yet I will catch her in lies from time to time about stupid things like going to eat with step son when she was going to be at sisters house. Step son has been a huge trouble maker but I’m his biggest supporter. In fact, he works my parents restaurant. So I’m. It sure why she would lie about it.
    Anyone who has advice, please help.
Click to expand...
If you cannot find any simple reason of the change, there is one sometimes overlooked, that of personality disorder, which can develop or change at later ages. Personality disorders include extreme and inflexible personality traits that are distressing to the person with it, and to others, and can cause problems in every aspect of life.
 
I was thinking the same thing. Borderline PD usually begins to manifest as young adult.

OTOH, it could be depression. Depressed people may become negative and blame others around them for their own negative feelings.

In any case it does sound like your wife is upset or feeling bad within herself.

I suffered nearly all my life from I think a mild form of depression or anxiety – thinking I’m not really doing well in life, upset also that my mother seemed to love my siblings more than me. When a niece I considered like a daughter (we don’t have our own children) rejected me I went into a tail-spin, like into a pit. The only way to look was up toward God.

I prayed to God for help, and He really did help in very amazing ways. I went thru what St. Teresa refers to as a second conversion experience dedicating my all to God, becoming detached from all worldly things, including expectations that others love me.

I’ve been okay, even very fine, ever since. Became an OCDS (lay) Carmelite. My relationships with others even improved, but I no longer had any expectation of love or gratitude or even fairness from others – detached from all that.
 
She may want to only work for extra things, not needs…(which is adifferent issue perhaps and speaks to not being content if it causes financial burdens)

Even though you had honest expectations of getting bonuses etc in the past, they have fell through. So perhaps she now assumes this upcoming financial increase will fall through too, and she feels trapped working.

You should not base things on what can happen in the future. Perhaps a job on the side just for a paycheck for you until your financial footing improves will help . If childcare is an issue work when she’s home, at night or weekends. Even if it’s not much extra, she will see you are trying to help the situation…when your finances improve in 6 months you can quit.
 
i doubt your wife hates, however, unexpressed and unresolved issues can lead to resentment. Anger or resentment is generally a secondary emotion to pain or betrayal.

Your wife feels hurt or betrayed by unfufilled expectations, unresolved issues or promises you did not make good.

open up communication with her and get a marriage counsellor
 
BF50 said:
That’s much better. I appreciate you taking the time to thoughtfully respond. However, may I suggest 1 more thing? When someone is posting what is obviously a very difficult thing to talk about, don’t take it as lightly as you seem to be. You never know how close someone is is to the end of their rope or the proverbial breaking point where they end it all. Having said that, you offered sound advice. I have decided this isn’t the place for me to discus something of this magnitude that I was hesitant to discuss anyway. I was foolishly hoping to find a few people who had been through a similar type of situation and could discuss it with me so I could understand it myself better. I am also not so stubborn as to think I am above fault in the situation and if I could have discussed this with someone from the opposite side of the fence, they may have been able to help me as well.
Thanks again for the advice, i am hopeful I can find help elsewhere. I will continue to pray everyday, go to Mass at least every Sunday, Confession once a week, Adoration when I can and start back up the Family Rosary everyday once school is back in session.
Click to expand...
Maybe don’t snap at people who are taking the time to respond to you because their phrasing isn’t exactly to your liking, bro.
 
I’m having a really hard time not addressing you as dude at this point.

Are you working?

This seems sort of one sided. How would your wife describe the situation?
 
People take things on the internet WAY to seriously sometimes…and sometimes we (random strangers) are presented with things that are so beyond comprehension that all we can do is make a terse, rather obvious remark.

5 years ago.
FIVE YEARS.

This has been festering, for lack of a better word for 5 years.

The time has long since past to address it. The standard advice is get counseling and if the other party won’t go, then you go. By yourself and ensure that you are seeing things clearly, are not one sided in your viewpoint, and are actively working to alleviate the problems.

I think you have identified the problem. Based on what you write, she thinks you’re a slacker. Sorry, but that’s what you have laid out. How are you going to change that?

Her opinion of you won’t change unless you change. Breakfast in bed, notwithstanding.

She clearly feels her role is to keep the home fires going and provide the “extras” in life. Perhaps blaming her brother adds to her anger.

The posters on CAF can be blunt, when it is needed. They can also come back with wonderful responses after you ego stops swelling. Especially HD’s subsequent post, and also the post from the person who mentioned God and church.

Nowhere do you mention your faith life, individually, or together. Yet you came to a Catholic forum for answers.

Call me crazy, but I think you really do know the answer.
Get right with God, and see if she doesn’t view you in a more loving light and is willing to become partners, not just the servant and the person saying “thank you”.

:twocents:
 
  1. Every day she hates me more and spends all of her time away from the house and recently told me I should think about leaving.
Click to expand...
The only advice I have is that you don’t leave.

Doing so would put you at a distinct disadvantage if she files for divorce or legal separation.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top