Wife Seperating and Cutting Ties with Mother

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polycarpds

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My wife and I are struggling in dealing with someone we believe is truly narcisistic and has cauuse great emotional turmoil in my wife since she was a child. Her husband recently left her for some of the same reasons, while under less than “Christian” circumstances also that we don’t approve of. It has made this whole process difficult because we want contact with her father but not her mother… yet we don’t want to condone some of the actions the father has done.

Is there any good Catholic prespectives or books on the subject, outside of traditional Catholic literature and the Bible of course. My wife is torn if she is dishonering her mother, but she cannot emotional stand being around that woman anymore. I also see a huge difference in her temperament and mental health when she does come around or even plans too.

Respectfully,
 
I don’t know of any books that address this, but I do think it would be helpful for your wife to speak to a priest or a Spiritual Advisor about the situation.

Will :gopray2: for you.
 
Ditto speaking with a priest and/or spiritual adviser. Also, has your wife thought about talking to her father honestly? Let him know she loves him and wants a relationship with him, but also let him know that she does not approve of the choices he made?
 
polycarpds said:
My wife and I are struggling in dealing with someone …

My wife is torn if she is dishonering her mother, but she cannot emotional stand being around that woman anymore. I also see a huge difference in her temperament and mental health when she does come around or even plans too.

Respectfully,
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If being around someone upsets us and causes stress… we can choose to stay away from them.

If you mean that your wife can not be around her own mother without great distress - it is not dishonoring her mother to stay away.

God does not ask us to be emotionally damaged by other people - including our own parents. You wife can step away from any relationship which is unhealthy.

May God give your wife peace in removing herself from distressing people.
 
My husband and I have dealt with my narcissistic mother for quite a few years and until I grew a set and started not to be manipulated by her our relationship was seriously hurting. Yes we do need to honor our parents but letting them damage us and our relationships is not honoring them it is enabling them to practice their selfish behavior. With God’s help I have righted the priorities in my life and placed my husband in the place he should be in my life and my mother in her rightful place. If she wants to behave appropriately she will always have my support and respect but if she doesn’t then I will not let her do any damage to me , my husband or our marriage. It isn’t always easy but I feel it is right.
 
If your problem with your FIL’s actions are simply that he is leaving his narcissistic, abusive wife, I think it’s ok for you two to maintain a relationship with him while avoiding her.

Otherwise… I agree, go speak with a priest.
 
She might try Co-dependent No More, by Melody Beattie. It is essentially about keeping healthy boundaries and living according to the Serenity Prayer, and so it is not just about dealing with family members who have addictions. The author identifies herself as both an addict and a co-dependent, and has found Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon very helpful, but I found her books helpful to me in getting through boundaries issues with non-addicted family members.

Another interesting book is The Sociopath Next Door, which talks about the manipulative behavior of people who operate in the world with no conscience, and how others can deal with them. Not allowing others to manipulate by gaining pity they don’t deserve is one of the self-protective skills the book recommends.

Both books are available at many public libraries.
 
Another good book is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason.

We too have had to separate ourselves from my MIL. Its gotten much, much worse recently. Not sure how its all going to play out in the end but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your loved ones.
 
PatriceA said:
Another good book is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason.

We too have had to separate ourselves from my MIL. Its gotten much, much worse recently. Not sure how its all going to play out in the end but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your loved ones.
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Do you mean she has gotten worse, or the grief over what she is not has gotten worse? It is definitely true that when boundaries are drawn to stop offensive behavior, the offender will often ramp up their bad behavior instead of toning it down, in order to see if they can get rid of this idea of a boundary. They ramp up the cost or pull whatever new behavior they think might work, in the hopes that they can get the “new deal” called off and go back to the status quo that was working really well for them, after all. It take a lot of courage to get through that.
 
EasterJoy said:
Do you mean she has gotten worse, or the grief over what she is not has gotten worse? It is definitely true that when boundaries are drawn to stop offensive behavior, the offender will often ramp up their bad behavior instead of toning it down, in order to see if they can get rid of this idea of a boundary. They ramp up the cost or pull whatever new behavior they think might work, in the hopes that they can get the “new deal” called off and go back to the status quo that was working really well for them, after all. It take a lot of courage to get through that.
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She’s gotten worse in her behavior so the situation has gotten worse. Never underestimate someone with a personality disorder. She’s painted herself into a corner this time. Usually she’s pulled a trick or two with an escape plan, but this latest ploy has been very cruel and very drastic and the damage can not be undone, sadly. I don’t think my MIL actually thought out the long lasting consequences of her latest tactic. And this one won’t just effect us, its going to reach people in the family I don’t think she thought she would hurt. When people with a personality disorder feel insecure and desperate, they will display behavior that even surprises themselves I think.
 
I’ve heard this is very good book for adult children of narcissistic parents.
Children of the Self Absorbed
amazon.com/Children-Self-Absorbed-Grown-Ups-Getting-Narcissistic/dp/1572245611/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375931463&sr=1-1&keywords=children+of+the+self+absorbed
Ok after I read of sample of this book on Amazon I just bought it for my kindle. This link is the second edition. The author says the second addition is 95% new material. So the first edition is different. I have posted recently about my mom (and actually several other times over the years on this forum), its been a lifetime struggle. I will keep your wife in my prayers.
 
PatriceA said:
She’s gotten worse in her behavior so the situation has gotten worse. Never underestimate someone with a personality disorder. She’s painted herself into a corner this time. Usually she’s pulled a trick or two with an escape plan, but this latest ploy has been very cruel and very drastic and the damage can not be undone, sadly. I don’t think my MIL actually thought out the long lasting consequences of her latest tactic. And this one won’t just effect us, its going to reach people in the family I don’t think she thought she would hurt. When people with a personality disorder feel insecure and desperate, they will display behavior that even surprises themselves I think.
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Try to draw your boundaries and do not get into the quagmire of what’s going on in her head. That rabbit hole is worse than Alice’s Wonderland, and the chances that you’ll get anything out of the exercise of trying to make heads or tails of it are about nil. You may as well try to figure out Wall Street.
 
Another book that can help is
Healing The Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families

by Charles L. Whitfield M.D.
 
Have you ever heard of the book Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend? It is written from a Christian perspective and may offer some helpful advice . . .
 
To OP:
Stop Walking on Eggshells is fantastic!
I think this book may help as well:
understanding the borderline mother by Dr. Lawson

This book will help your wife immensely to seperate between what is hers, and what is not in the area of real duty versus perceived or even projected guilt manipulation. We are dealing with a similar issue, my prayers are with you in this moment.
 
I had to cut ties with my extremely abusive, clinically narcissistic, lying, mental ill father a few years ago. While it hasn’t always made for an easy life (my father is a multimillionaire who previously funded my entire life as a young adult, and he also spreads vicious hurtful lies about me to literally anyone who will listen), my life is SO MUCH BETTER without him. I never realized how depressed, angry, and spiritually distant I was when I had a relationship with him. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but there is no having a casual relationship with him. It is all or nothing with him, and given the destructive nature of his personality I am forced to choose nothing. As a woman and a person, I refuse to let my soul be dragged through the mud by such a hateful, manipulative person under the guise of “love”.

In short, sometimes it is better to cut ties with a family member who is actively and deliberately making you unhappy. It doesn’t mean that you can’t forgive them in your heart (I’m still working on this. It takes time), but doing so and moving forward in your life without them. Only you can determine if this is the right decision for you, and it won’t happen overnight. My prayers are with you.
 
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