Wife talking to other men online

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Hi there,

I read a post here: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=169672 while looking for some advice for a situation in my marriage and figured I should ask the same thing. My wife read that thread but doesn’t feel her situation is the same.

My wife is a stay at home wife but we have no children yet, and have been married about 2 years. She is 19 and I am 23.

I work 40 hours a week. She spends most of her time while I am at work on the computer alone.

My wife has always spoken to guys online, and that’s even how we met. I am generally okay with this as it is often about religion or has something to do with something she is doing, like playing an online game that required communication. She has gotten some good friends from this and often it’s harmless chatting like she would with a girlfriend. Recently though there was another guy that she was speaking with, and it was a LOT. He doesn’t work either so she was speaking with him most of everyday for awhile, sometimes more than 10 hours straight (while playing a game together and in MSN)

To put it simple: The guy she speaks with now loves her, and has told her this, and also has said such things as 'I wish I met you 2 years ago" (Before she married me) and he wished he could be with her, and at one point where he though they were going to stop communication, he asked that she contact him if anything happens such as getting divorced etc etc. He basically has expressed that he wants to be with her, while at the same time telling her “I wouldn’t take your happiness away from you” IE me.

Now my wife says she has absolutely no feelings for him in that way. She views him only as a good friend and “loves him as a friend” (she has told him this after he told her he loved her)

They sent pictures to each other, webcammed with each other, and talked over the mics on the computer together also. (Never while I was around)

At one point I noticed she was hiding things when I was in the room and she was speaking to this guy, so I got suspicious and sadly snooped and found out that they had talked about meeting (he lives 2000 miles away) and other things, with my wifes response really only being that she Wanted to meet, but knew I wouldn’t be okay with it but they still talked about meeting on several occasions, sometime jokingly, sometimes not.

Since all of this, I have confronted her, they stopped talking for awhile and only played their game together (it’s a MMORPG similar to World of Warcraft). This last for about 1-2 weeks and then they began playing more while I was away, and playing alone, and without me knowing they began emailing each other. These emails contained a variety of information, some very scary such as him telling her he loves her and her telling him she loves him as a friend and talking about having a special code to know if I was in the room or not so that he wouldn’t say something that may upset me. In others emails where my wife was telling him their relationship wasn’t fair to him or me. After emails for a couple of weeks or so they also started talking on MSN again and were talking in game the entire time.

I found about them chatting on MSN and asked her about it, and she told me she wasn’t chatting with him. This was the first time she has ever lied to me. (We consider honesty to be extremely huge)

So after this she admitted to still talking to him and let me read her emails with him, I emailed him a long letter telling him he was wrecking our marriage etc and asked him to stop interacting with her in any way. Letting him known that if she ever contacted him again, it was against my will.

For a few weeks they stopped talking but recently my wife was playing in her game with him again, and also has begun to talk to him on MSN again. I cut off the internet all together and we got in a huge fight. I turned the internet back and and to today she still messages him in MSN, although much less than she used to and now she hides it from me. (if I asked to see their chat she won’t allow me to, and she no longer keeps any logs)

I am now just looking for advice. We have other marriage problems that have been expressed since all of this such as her being alone and lonely when I’m gone and also when I’m home not spending enough time together, which we are working on.
My main problem at this point is that she refuses to stop chatting with him and believes that since she has no sexual feelings for him and views him only as a good friend, that it is okay for it to continue. I have expressed to her many times that it is hurting me that she talks to him but she won’t stop and feels I am being unreasonable. She wants me to let her make the decision to stop talking to this guy, but in the meantime it hurts me everytime I think about it and don’t understand why she can’t just give this one guy up. She doesn’t think him loving her is a result of anything she has done wrong or anything that she can control, so doesn’t think his feelings matter at all. She also still tells me she would be okay with him coming here to meet her.

I would appreciate any advice for my situation primarily to help me help her understand how wrong this is and that it needs to stop. Or if I’m wrong and I should be okay with this, then I’m open to advice regarding that also.
Sorry for writing so much.

Thank you very much for your time.
 
Is there a reason why your wife isn’t working? If she’s able to work she should be working. I think it would be very depressing to sit at home and play games online all day. If she doesn’t get a job maybe it would help her to do volunteer work somewhere.
She’s addicted to the internet but worse she’s up to no good with this guy. It doesn’t matter that they are 2000 miles apart. There have been people who’ve broken up their marriages for online relationships further apart than that.
You were on the right track when you shut off the internet. I hope you do it again and don’t turn it back on.
 
Of course what she is doing is wrong. When you’re married, you don’t just do what you want to do… your spouse’s needs are also important. In order for a marriage to work, both spouses have to be unselfish.

Why is she at home on the Internet all day? If she’s unable to work for some reason, she can do something else, can’t she? I think cutting off the Internet is a drastic move, but it may be necessary.

I am a bit surprised that she doesn’t seem to care that this guy is in love with her. If she doesn’t return his feelings, then why is she leading him on? That’s just not very nice.
 
She is playing with fire. Does she think she can change his mind and bring back the cool guy who played a good game with her? The innocence is gone. She has to stop talking to him. He is in the Obsession Zone now and can’t perceive the real world. I’ve seen men like that many times, and they have no idea what anyone is saying to them. She thinks she is being diplomatic, I guess, or that she can turn his flirtations into a kidding-around thing, but he won’t take it that way. She probably is afraid to lose her hobby because it’s keeping her sane. She needs to get out of the house. I don’t think she’s knowingly doing anything wrong but she is kidding herself badly and needs to get out of the house and give up gaming until she has more grounding in the real world again.
 
Your wife is acting like a silly 15 year old girl flirting with an equally immature boy. Make no mistake what this man is after from your wife. And clearly your wife is eager to reciprocate.

She is a married woman now, and as St. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Your wife is not being an adult, productive member of your household. Sitting on her butt playing video games and chatting online with men for 10 hours a day. What is she thinking? I would be ashamed of myself if I was her. If she wants to be a wife at home, she should be tending to the home, preparing meals, volunteering in the community, etc, NOT laying around like a lump on a log. Otherwise, she should go out and get a job.

You are out there supporting her and she is disrespecting you.

I suggest you two go to counseling, if you aren’t already. Of course her age has a lot to do with this, she is young and clearly immature (which all 19 year olds are not).

She is committing adultery, plain and simple. It doesn’t take sexual intercourse to have emotionally attached to another-- and Jesus tells us if we look to another in our heart we’ve *already *committed adultery.

I’m sorry, I have nothing but harsh words for her. She is selfish, immature, and lazy in my opinion.

However, she may also have some emotional problems and/or depression driving this behavior. So, she should get some mental health evaluation.

It all boils down to an act of the will. Is she willing to work on the marriage, cut off communication with this man, and stop wasting away the days doing nothing?

If the answer is no-- there isn’t anything YOU can do but decide if you will continue to live this way.

I hope you will look into some Catholic counseling, with your priest or with a Catholic counselor he recommends, and also investigate some resources through the internet such as Retrouvaille and Marriage Builders.

You can learn to communicate and have a wonderful marriage, but it takes two people to do that.
 
What your wife is doing is completely wrong in my view. You should be her number one priority and anything that hurts you she should stop doing. Lying and hiding things from you are very serious things. She is having an emotional affair in my view, even if she says she only ‘loves him as a friend’. Of course she will use that line - what else is she going to say? how else could she justify continuing her behaviour?
Since your wife has been used to spending a lot of her time on the Internet it will probably be hard for her to break off her addiction to it but it is absolutely necessary for the health of your marriage. The other guy is in love with an image of your wife that’s not realistic. You know that, she probably knows that but it looks like the ‘other man’ doesn’t. He is probably giving her emotional attention, she feels he ‘listens’ to her. Perhaps you could work less hours, she could start to work and then you’d have more time together so that you can be that emotional support to her.
As I said before, your wife’s behaviour is dangerous, very unChristian and uncharitable and I believe you are entirely justified both in the feelings you have towards their ‘relationship’ and in the action you intend to take.
 
Your wife has too much time on her hands and has shown she doesn’t know how to handle it. Moreover, she doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and continues to do something you have asked her not to do.

She’s way too young to be married. She still likes the idea of all the drama of men fighting over her. It’s going to be a long marriage for you. You’re going to have to look over her shoulder every step of the way because she has shown she likes to encourage the inappropriate attentions of other men and then blame you for not being around. And then she sneaks.

So you have:

Immaturity, lack of integrity, unfaithfulness (Yes, she’s telling a man not her husband she “loves him like a friend.” Ummm… the next step is “I don’t know how this happened!!”)

If she got a job, she’d get a crush on the guy at work.

You married a teenager. I don’t know if she’s going to grow up, or when she does, she’ll decide she outgrew you.

Take her in to counselling to a priest. She needs to be instructed in the obligations of marriage and fidelity. And if she really didn’t plan to be faithful and has no clue that being on line with other men all day doesn’t fit with marriage, then maybe you need to get out of it and get an annulment due to lack of due discretion and immaturity before any children come along.

This is a disaster in the making. You are right. She is wrong. But she has shown she doesn’t care if what she is doing is wrong.

I won’t bust your chops for sneaking. By the time you have to sneak to find out what your own spouse is doing, there is no more trust, and it’s not a battle you started. She fired the first shot here.

I take it when you are home that time she claims you don’t spend with her, she’s online with him anyway. When you are home, she should turn off the computer. You have had to step into Father role and turn off the computer like she is a child. This is a mess.

By the way… she’s a fool who is throwing away a husband who loves her for a fantasy loser who has no job 2,000 miles away. And he knows she’s married, but he keeps pursuing her. And she doesn’t see red lights flashing all over the place? This man doesn’t respect her, or her marriage vows. That kind of man doesn’t respect his own marriage vows either. He would be a poor trade. But she’s probably too foolish to see that.

She sees nothing wrong with hurting you. That’s a big deal. You let her know this hurts you and she continues. She encourages his attention. How soon before it becomes explicit conversation and them flashing each other on the internet? Yes, that’s the logical progression I have seen with people I know. It’s unsavory and disgusting.

For the record, many women are capable of sitting home all day while their husband works his tail off to support them and they don’t commit emotional and literary adultery.

If she won’t go to counselling, call a lawyer. End this before it’s too late. She doesn’t sound like a keeper. She needs to go home to mommy and daddy and get a job and learn to support herself so when Loser comes to get her she can support him all day while he’s on line with someone else while she works to support him.

Good luck. Sorry what you’re going through. I know it hurts. Because if she cared, the situation would be over and you wouldn’t be asking strangers on a message board if you were out of line asking for a little loyalty from your own wife.
 
She does sound immature. If a woman old enought o be amrried doesn’t understand that you don’t say “I love you as a friend and we can get together somewhere private so I can explain what I mean” or whatever she said, to a man who is openly trying to destroy her home, she knows nothing about the real world. Either she thinks an obsessed man who doesn’t care what’s right and wrong will listen to reason after she says she loves him (and that’s the only part of that phrase he probably heard) andwill meet him alone (and that’s the only part of that phrase he likely heard before the fantasy took over), or she thinks she is living in a romance book where a perfect man appears and talks her out of a boring ordinary life and takes her to paradise and freedom. She needs to get a life and you need to tell her she is doing something very dangerous and foolish.
 
1ke said:
Your wife is acting like a silly 15 year old girl flirting with an equally immature boy. Make no mistake what this man is after from your wife. And clearly your wife is eager to reciprocate.

She is a married woman now, and as St. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
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"

Your wife is not being an adult, productive member of your household. Sitting on her butt playing video games and chatting online with men for 10 hours a day. What is she thinking? I would be ashamed of myself if I was her. If she wants to be a wife at home, she should be tending to the home, preparing meals, volunteering in the community, etc, NOT laying around like a lump on a log. Otherwise, she should go out and get a job.

You are out there supporting her and she is disrespecting you.

I suggest you two go to counseling, if you aren’t already. Of course her age has a lot to do with this, she is young and clearly immature (which all 19 year olds are not).

She is committing adultery, plain and simple. It doesn’t take sexual intercourse to have emotionally attached to another-- and Jesus tells us if we look to another in our heart we’ve *already *committed adultery.

I’m sorry, I have nothing but harsh words for her. She is selfish, immature, and lazy in my opinion.

However, she may also have some emotional problems and/or depression driving this behavior. So, she should get some mental health evaluation.

It all boils down to an act of the will. Is she willing to work on the marriage, cut off communication with this man, and stop wasting away the days doing nothing?

If the answer is no-- there isn’t anything YOU can do but decide if you will continue to live this way.

I hope you will look into some Catholic counseling, with your priest or with a Catholic counselor he recommends, and also investigate some resources through the internet such as Retrouvaille and Marriage Builders.

You can learn to communicate and have a wonderful marriage, but it takes two people to do that.

I agree.

And, the maturity/age has a lot to do with things I believe. 19 these days is VERY young.

You say you have been married for 2 years, so what has your wife been doing for the last two years? Surely since she married at 17 there must be much more she needs to ‘get done’ as far as education or job training or working to help build your married live together. She should be doing any number of things besides chatting online. The fact that she is content to do this while you are out working is very bothersome.

To me it seem there are some deeper issues here. She is lying to you, hiding things from you, and having an inappropriate relationship with another man. I don’t know your situation but often when girls marry so early and are engaging in these attention seeking behaviors, there are more deeply rooted problems. She needs counseling. You both need counseling. And, she needs to really grow up not just play grown up by being married. Are there issues with her childhood or family that could be behind this behavior?
 
I think that in part, your wife got married a bit young–if you have been married for 2 years, your wife was 17 when she married?? There are many people who get married young, but THAT is young. :o Truth is–you married her when she was just a teenager, so why would anyone here think that she should suddenly morph into a woman after a wedding? My son is 15–the thought of him married in 2 years…lol…I can’t see it. People need to mature at a level pace–not rush into adult decisions, in their teenage years. So, for those who say she is acting like a girl–SHE IS A GIRL. :o But, at this point, it is what it is. I am not suggesting that the marriage is bad, good, or indifferent–just that one has to look at her age – and that she was just a teenager when entering into a lifelong decision. And so there could be a maturing factor there–that being said–if you both do not have kids, maybe she should seek getting a job–is there a reason she isn’t in college? There is an old saying…(but wise)…‘the devil uses idle hands.’ (something like that lol) Meaning, that when people have too much free time on their hands, they often do things that are not constructive for themselves, or others. I think that for her own personal growth, and for the sake of your marriage–she should seek developing herself either through college, or at least, a parttime job. That might only resolve the time issue–you still need to get to the heart of if she ‘enjoys’ attention from other men outside of your marriage. I hope things work out for you both.
 
  1. Turn off the internet. For good.
  2. Get counseling. If she won’t go, go on your own.
This is not a good situation and the sooner you do these things, the better. My prayers are with you both.
 
kevinsgirl said:
  1. Turn off the internet. For good.
  2. Get counseling. If she won’t go, go on your own.
This is not a good situation and the sooner you do these things, the better. My prayers are with you both.
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Yes, indeed. Shut down the internet and help her find a job and help her keep it until you have children. This is an extremely unhealthy situation leading only to disaster.

CDL
 
You married a teenager, and she is acting just exactly like a teenager. Why is she not in college? Perhaps if she gets a pt job and enrolls in some classes, then, spends her free time during the day with maybe at your mom’s house?

She needs to fill up those hours. Volunteer at the Parish, at a soup kitchen or crisis pregnancy center, school, a job, all would help her fill up the time.
 
good point kage–but if she married when she was a teen herself, she might just need to spend some time growing up. Marriage doesn’t magically mature us. (having kids does:p ) lol But, because she married so young, she might not fully understand the commitment she made to her husband. That’s the main issue I see. If she were single, at 19, we would see nothing wrong with her flirtations. But, she is married, and that is where the problem lies. Can’t excuse the behavior, but it just seems to me she didn’t fully understand the commitment she was entering into—and thus, the computer is just one arena she flirts in. I agree with the poster who said that she could still behave this way at work, school, etc…because of her immaturity. The thing is–at 17 she got married–how is a 17 yr old supposed to act? Where were her parents when she was entering into such a commitment? Marriage is a huge decision, and even if you marry in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s…it takes serious discernment. At 17, I don’t think I was equipped to make such a decision–although, I thought I ‘knew everything’ at that age.:rolleyes: 😉

To the OP–I think you both need to seek marriage counseling, and have a heart to heart with your wife about if she is happy in the marriage, if she realizes the commitment she made…and also that she should seek going to college or something for her own growth. Being at home at 19, while you are at work all day, just doesn’t seem like a good use of her time. There’s so much she could be doing–volunteering at a hospital, even–anything that could be beneficial to others, and that would probably help your marriage, more, too, in the long run. You’re both in my prayers.
 
Clearly, what she is doing is wrong. But, you are going to have to figure out what she’s thinking so the two of you can address the issue.

As I understand it, here’s the situation. She stays home all day, is lonely, and has found a man who talks to her and helps her feel needed and loved. You work all day to support her, and from your post, she feels you do not spend enough time with her. She doesn’t “love” this man, but wants to continue to receive his affection. You, rightly so, are telling her to break it off with the guy. So, looking at it perhaps from her perspective, she doesn’t feel loved/appreciated by you, and you are telling her to stop being loved/appreciated.

In her young way, perhaps she is looking to see whether you will either “fight” for her, or change your ways to give her what she wants and honestly needs. I’m not making any judgements on how good or attentive you are as a husband, but clearly she seems to think you are not. Rather than ordering her to leave this guy alone (as one would order a child), try a different approach. Shower her with praise, leave early or take a long lunch to suprise her with flowers. Schedule time for her to join you for lunch at your work (if possible). She wants affection, and right now it sounds like she’s getting it from someone other than you. It’s time to step up and show her how a real man loves her, not this boy online…

All people, men and women, young and old, need to feel loved and appreciated, especially by their spouse. If she’s not feeling that from you, she will naturally, although sinfully, look elsewhere. Remember, this is not a judgement of whether you are loving and appreciating her or not, but it may be true that the way you are doing it isn’t hitting home. So, you have got to try something else.
 
AnonUser123 said:
Hi there,
My wife is a stay at home wife but we have no children yet, and have been married about 2 years. She is 19 and I am 23.
with you at work it sounds like your wife is lonely. It also sounds like she was being honest with you to start and is probley hiding it now to avoid conflict
I work 40 hours a week. She spends most of her time while I am at work on the computer alone.
Now my wife says she has absolutely no feelings for him in that way. She views him only as a good friend and “loves him as a friend” (she has told him this after he told her he loved her)

They sent pictures to each other, webcammed with each other, and talked over the mics on the computer together also. (Never while I was around
I found about them chatting on MSN and asked her about it, and she told me she wasn’t chatting with him. This was the first time she has ever lied to me. (We consider honesty to be extremely huge)
For a few weeks they stopped talking but recently my wife was playing in her game with him again, and also has begun to talk to him on MSN again. I cut off the internet all together and we got in a huge fight.I dont think this is the answer, your not her father, shes asking you to trust her judgement and your not. I turned the internet back and and to today she still messages him in MSN, although much less than she used to and now she hides it from me. (if I asked to see their chat she won’t allow me to, and she no longer keeps any logs)because it will start a fight

I am now just looking for advice. We have other marriage problems that have been expressed since all of this such as her being alone and lonely when I’m gone and also when I’m home not spending enough time together, which we are working on.
My main problem at this point is that she refuses to stop chatting with him and believes that since she has no sexual feelings for him and views him only as a good friend, that it is okay for it to continue. I have expressed to her many times that it is hurting me that she talks to him but she won’t stop and feels I am being unreasonable. She wants me to let her make the decision to stop talking to this guy, but in the meantime it hurts me everytime I think about it and don’t understand why she can’t just give this one guy up. She doesn’t think him loving her is a result of anything she has done wrong or anything that she can control, so doesn’t think his feelings matter at all. She also still tells me she would be okay with him coming here to meet her.
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If the main reason for your wife spending so much time on the net is loneliness can you help her, encourage her to spend time with friends.Do an art class, Volunteering was a good suggestion. To the poster who suggested she would cheat anywhere. bull. This young lady has probley gone from a school, social situation to staring at four walls everyday alone and the internet has become a life line. I sympathize. But if you want to keep her and this marriage things do need to change. Not by demanding and treating her like a child ie cutting off the internet. Enlist family, friends change your routines, maybe you can spend more time with her outside work. This other guy isnt the problem. Everyone needs friendship and purpose. His saying he loves her is he’s problem shes told him she doesnt. but right now shes vulnerable, work together you’ve been together 2 years it’s an achievement. You obviously love her so don’t give up, bring some of the romance back, remind her why she married you. Good luck:thumbsup:
 
Loneliness is no excuse, my wife stays at home 10-12 hours a day and I know in a million years she would never do this.

My wife doesn’t have the time to mess around on the internet, she’s too busy working- mothering a unborn baby, a german shepherd, and two evil cats (okay, one is evil, the other one just impish), maintaining our home and cooking meals.

How does your wife have the free time to spend online? Does she work-at-home (i.e., stay at home wife/mother)? I always joke around with my wife, but I’m serious, if she didn’t do those things, I’d tell her to get a job. He who does not work does not eat. She agrees with me 100% though.

There have been a lot of good responses on here. You guys need to discuss this. Her friendship with this person needs to end because it is not appropriate for a married woman. From there, you can have a talk- but the termination of this friendship is a must.

Just my .02
 
kage_ar said:
You married a teenager, and she is acting just exactly like a teenager. Why is she not in college? Perhaps if she gets a pt job and enrolls in some classes, then, spends her free time during the day with maybe at your mom’s house?

She needs to fill up those hours. Volunteer at the Parish, at a soup kitchen or crisis pregnancy center, school, a job, all would help her fill up the time.
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Agreed. Depending on how she responds to you and whether she is willing to put this behind her will tell you a lot about whether you may have made a mistake in marrying so young.
 
mschrank said:
Loneliness is no excuse, my wife stays at home 10-12 hours a day and I know in a million years she would never do this.

My wife doesn’t have the time to mess around on the internet, she’s too busy working- mothering a unborn baby, a german shepherd, and two evil cats (okay, one is evil, the other one just impish), maintaining our home and cooking meals.

How does your wife have the free time to spend online? Does she work-at-home (i.e., stay at home wife/mother)? I always joke around with my wife, but I’m serious, if she didn’t do those things, I’d tell her to get a job. He who does not work does not eat. She agrees with me 100% though.

There have been a lot of good responses on here. You guys need to discuss this. Her friendship with this person needs to end because it is not appropriate for a married woman. From there, you can have a talk- but the termination of this friendship is a must.

Just my .02
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I agree with you. I am a SAHM mom and have been for the last 10 years. I get lonely during the day, but I have a household and children to take care of. Even with purpose to my day, I get lonely. Wouldn’t even think of doing something like this.

She is definitely immature, and too immature to have gotten married. If she was lonely or bored she could have easily found other outlets like a job or something. Instead, she decided to play on the internet all day like a teenager.

You definitely need to talk to a priest or a counselor together, because I don’t think you should live like this for who knows how many years to come. The damage could be worse if you do end up having children before these issues get resolved!!
 
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