Wife told me she will not pursue divorce if I stop drinking 100%

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Is this reasonable? She is the only one that believes me to have a drinking problem. I’ve never missed work two days in a row because of drinking. In my lifetime, I’ve called in sick before because of over indulging the night before. I’ve never experienced delirium tremens. No one has ever described me as becoming nasty while drinking besides my wife. I don’t drink every day.
 
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Depends. Seems like she thinks it is a real problem. If you have missed work, I mean I have been a little hungover, but never to the point of just being a no show. I am guessing that has happened more than once.

Then again, seeing some posts from years ago, she was a serial cheater?
 
She does think it’s a real problem. I agree that I haven’t been very nice to her sometimes when alcohol is involved. We’ve been married for 16 years and it wasn’t always like that until past few years. Yes, she was (is?) a serial cheater, but since my last time on here, I’ve been unfaithful as well. I haven’t been on CAF for at least three years! This is the first time I’ve seen the new format, so it’s like starting over for me.
 
Yalls problems are beyond some booze during the week.

Set up some extensive marriage counseling with your priest.
 
We are currently going through counseling. Per my request. She agreed to it with the stipulation that it not be Catholic based. We are in a mixed marriage. She has a very negative perception of Catholicism.
 
So if you are not in your twenties and have been drinking for a while missing one day of work more than once ever is a drinking problem.
Edited to say I am being very generous here.
 
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Drinking isn’t a necessity of life. Many if not most of us can take it or leave it. The fact that you are saying “hey but I don’t have a problem with my drinking, I’ve not reached the point of missing work, etc.” instead of “Fine, I don’t need alcohol to be happy” is a bit of a red flag. There are many, many, many people with an alcohol or other substance dependency who manage to go to work and generally function, sometimes for years, but they still have a substance dependency. Your wife is the closest person to you and perhaps she can see things that the outside world cannot.

Stuff like missing work and delirium tremens often doesn’t set in until someone is really far down the path of alcoholism, what they call “hitting bottom”.

You may want to read the book “Drinking: A Love Story” by Carolyn Knapp. I found it to be a very good discussion of drinking.
 
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Her proposition occurred today via text. My last response to her was this:
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I just want to say thank you. I’m glad you proposed what you proposed. Love is sacrificial. Marriage is sacrificial. You’ve asked me to make a sacrifice for our love and marriage. That is a good thing. (Love = giving) Not that giving is always loving, but loving is always giving. It is a gift of self. I’m not just making this sacrifice/gift of self to you, but to God as well. I was anxious about how to be a gift of self to you. Your proposal has made that clear and possible. For the good. By giving up something that is enjoyable to me (enjoying a good IPA, home brewing, having a beer with family and friends, etc.) for the betterment of our marriage is a good thing. It turns my focus from pleasing myself to pleasing my spouse. I believe that is what St. Paul was talking about when he was talking about marriage. I truly believe my calling (vocation) is to put my family first, thus putting God first. By us not divorcing, helps others and society. It helps others have strong marriages. It is contagious just as divorce is contagious. Our home/marriage is the domestic church and it is meant to be an icon of God’s love and a sign of hope for others. Again, thank you.
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She hasn’t responded.
 
Well, not sure about her loving me. Here is a text from her today.
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I don’t like you. I don’t know if I will ever like you again.

Don’t like spending time with you or talking with you
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Tis_Bearself said:
Drinking isn’t a necessity of life. Many if not most of us can take it or leave it. The fact that you are saying “hey but I don’t have a problem with my drinking, I’ve not reached the point of missing work, etc.” instead of “Fine, I don’t need alcohol to be happy” is a bit of a red flag. There are many, many, many people with an alcohol or other substance dependency who manage to go to work and generally function, sometimes for years, but they still have a substance dependency. Your wife is the closest person to you and perhaps she can see things that the outside world cannot.

Stuff like missing work and delirium tremens often doesn’t set in until someone is really far down the path of alcoholism, what they call “hitting bottom”.

You may want to read the book “Drinking: A Love Story” by Carolyn Knapp. I found it to be a very good discussion of drinking.
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This. I don’t really blame your wife for wanting you to stop drinking if you’re nasty or rude to her when you’re drunk. Could you at least cut down? If you show her you are willing to listen to her and make a change, you’re much more likely to see her respond back to you in kind.
 
You might be interested to know that only about 10% of alcoholics are on skid row (i.e. “down and out”). The other 90% are what we would call functional alcoholics. They hold down jobs. They raise families. Some people who drink also become what’s sometimes referred to as a “dry drunk”. This means they are not actively drinking, but they are still engaging in much of the manipulative behaviour they exhibited while they WERE drinking.

I strongly recommend marriage counselling for you both and substance abuse treatment for you. AA may be a good choice. Your wife may also like to consider joining Al-Anon, which is a support group for family members of people with drinking issues.
 
Don’t start up with pointing fingers. Fix yourself first and see what happens. You might discover that she’s way nicer when your’e not drinking. She gave the ultimatum for a reason. To get your attention. Clearly you don’t think your drinking is an issue. If people are desperate to get your attention? It’s probably really bad.
 
This was my response to her:

I just want to say thank you. I’m glad you proposed what you proposed. Love is sacrificial. Marriage is sacrificial. You’ve asked me to make a sacrifice for our love and marriage. That is a good thing. (Love = giving) Not that giving is always loving, but loving is always giving. It is a gift of self. I’m not just making this sacrifice/gift of self to you, but to God as well. I was anxious about how to be a gift of self to you. Your proposal has made that clear and possible. For the good. By giving up something that is enjoyable to me (enjoying a good IPA, home brewing, having a beer with family and friends, etc.) for the betterment of our marriage is a good thing. It turns my focus from pleasing myself to pleasing my spouse. I believe that is what St. Paul was talking about when he was talking about marriage. I truly believe my calling (vocation) is to put my family first, thus putting God first. By us not divorcing, helps others and society. It helps others have strong marriages. It is contagious just as divorce is contagious. Our home/marriage is the domestic church and it is meant to be an icon of God’s love and a sign of hope for others. Again, thank you.
 
Do you love your wife enough to stop drinking even if you think it’s not a problem? Try it. Let her see a different you, but you have to give her time. You two have a lot of baggage to sort through. May God Bless you and guide you.
 
That’s very nice. I’m glad you are willing to put your marriage first. I wish you and your wife the best and I will pray for you.
 
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What am I to think that my wife wanted to make sure that I had beer in the fridge to drink last night? She asks me all the time if I need beer while she’s out and about. She purchased for me a home brewing kit for Christmas a few years back. Always brings back local craft brews when she goes to visit her family in another state. To me, that’s sending mixed signals.
 
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