Wife wants an annulment, is it valid, what can I do?

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Let me start from the beginning,

My wife is currently pursuing a divorce, we were married young, I at 22 she at 20, we never practiced any form of contraception, were open to life and have 4 children, we have been married for 4 years, I have had an on and off problem with pornography throughout our marriage, although I disclosed it before our marriage. When we were dating we were having premarital sex, we had been engaged for about 3 months before she became pregnant. We are both devout Catholics, frequent confession, daily mass etc. We both always intended for marriage while dating, and before she became pregnant, the pregnancy was not a “panic” situation, as we had not been using contraception we knew it was likely.

Recently my wife fell in love with another man, it was a strictly emotional affair. She is no longer pursuing this relationship but, she tells me that this gave her the courage she needed to leave our marriage. She tells me she no longer loves me and believes our marriage to have been invalid because of my pornography problem and her not understanding what she was undertaking. I love my wife, I love our family, I believe with all my heart our marriage was valid and my wife was fully competent enough to take her vows. She has no history of mental illness, she just believes she didn’t fully understand what she was getting into. My problem with pornography was never serious, but it was enough that it was perpetuated throughout our marriage. I want to do whatever it takes to defend this sacrament, and be prepared when she begins the annulment process. I would love any (name removed by moderator)ut I could get as far as what to expect with everything.
 
She may divorce legally or null this marriage but your marriage is valid. Mother Mary was pregnant at 15, you weren’t that young compare to our blessed mother.

I pray for you and continue to pray God. I know in my heart that your wife will regret this someday. In the mid time, if she has an emotional void inside, it means that she isn’t allowing Jesus in her heart.

I bet you anything that she is influence with New Age tendency which it would explain why she feels she need to leave her marriage to pursue happiness.

Don’t give up hope, pray sweet heart, pray. I would start a novena and pray the Rosary if i was you. Mother Mary is wonderful and don’t forget to pray St-Joseph.

Blessings and love to you

p.s. Catholic consent annulling only if your soul or physical life is in danger. Otherwise, marriage is for life.
 
I can suggest a couple of things.

First, look for a Retrouvailles retreat close enough for the two of you to attend. Suggest counseling with your pastor, and do all you can to save the marriage.

Recognize though, that if her will is fixed on divorce there is likely very little you can do to stop it in the no-fault world we find ourselves in these days. Do all you can for your children in that case-- get a lawyer competent in preserving father’s rights, joint custody, etc.

If she pursues divorce and a decree of nullity, get a copy of the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster to help you understand what a decree of nullity is and isn’t.

Lastly, if she pursues a decree of nullity, tell the truth in your narrative and responses. If you believe your marriage was valid, say so. Be truthful and be honest.
 
1ke said:
I can suggest a couple of things.

First, look for a Retrouvailles retreat close enough for the two of you to attend. Suggest counseling with your pastor, and do all you can to save the marriage.

Recognize though, that if her will is fixed on divorce there is likely very little you can do to stop it in the no-fault world we find ourselves in these days. Do all you can for your children in that case-- get a lawyer competent in preserving father’s rights, joint custody, etc.

If she pursues divorce and a decree of nullity, get a copy of the book Annulment: The Wedding That Was by Michael Smith Foster to help you understand what a decree of nullity is and isn’t.

Lastly, if she pursues a decree of nullity, tell the truth in your narrative and responses. If you believe your marriage was valid, say so. Be truthful and be honest.
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👍

Please talk to your priest about this.
 
This might be blunt, but this is a serious situation and you need to be informed. I don’t dance, or do drama well. Know there are a lot of people praying for your situation.

If you want to save your marriage, it’s going to take drastic action.

First off, try using today, this Ash Wednesday of 2013 as your anchor to stop your addiction and get a good counselor. You should be on the phone today lining this up. Also, excercise daily, this helps immensely with porn addiction.

You should literally throw out what is causing you to sin, be it tv or a computer. If you need either make sure the monitors face the open of the entire rooms and move them to more public areas. If you have a fancy phone, get an old phone with no data.

This shows her you are more than talk with your intention to stop sin. What better man is she going to find?

Regardless of her actions, the above will help you be a better Man and father.

Her affair is still a big sin, and is playing games with her mind.

It doesn’t take courage to leave a marriage, it takes courage to work on a marriage (I suppose we should stick the * in here regarding abuse, if any. There are always exceptions).

Marriage is for the purpose of raising a family. Children bond the marriage, not just because they happen, but because they are the key purpose.

You both need a good 2x4 across the head. Neither of you are going to find peace in your marriage (or any relationship) by looking outside of it and finding false comfort.

A part of your healing could be to talk to teenagers.

It’s important to be stronger than your urges. St. Michael can help greatly as well as your guardian angels.

God Bless and get rolling on action.
 
Thank you all so much for the prayers and responses! We did end up attending retrouvaille this last weekend, and it was very moving, we connected in a way we had never connected before, but unfortunately the connection wasn’t enough for her. For her it was just a better way for us to get along as a divorced couple raising children together. I will be attending the post sessions (probably by myself) and she is willing to continue doing the dialogues, but everything she does is just to foster our relationship as a divorced couple. I will be meeting with my parish priest next week, and I’m trying to do as much research as I can about what to expect from the annulment process and what I can do to defend it. I know that if our marriage is declared valid she would seriously consider coming back to it, but as of right now she is so sure of herself that it was invalidly formed. Both her mother and father are divorced and have an annulment, so perhaps that plays into her feelings on this. She is still a devout Catholic and she wants to do God’s will, but right now she believes firmly that his will is for us to separate, and I’m sure with the emotions she is feeling from being in love with this other man it makes it difficult for her to discern.

(name removed by moderator), thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, it certainly gives me some hope! A bit more detail, my wife believes she didn’t know what she was doing because she was raised in by her mother who is super traditionalist and grew up believing that marriage was the best thing for her, but that was one of the things that attracted us to each other, we both wanted to live the married family life! Her mom was also very over bearing and she wanted to escape from her, although while we were engaged she had her own apartment 3 hours away from her mom, so I don’t see it as a real reason.

The other thing my wife believes is that she did not understand the extent of my problem with pornography, she believes it is an addiction (her step father is addicted to pornography and was only recently released from prison for attempting to meet an underage girl for sex) so for my wife, I feel like she expects that I will eventually turn out like him. I have never had any interest to ever pursue an extra marital affair, and I realize that the porn was a form of adultry, and that it has most certainly poisoned our marriage. It was never anything crazy, I always looked at it as a bad habit, but I see now how damaging it has been to our marriage. In the end though, I don’t believe I am addicted, in fact this whole experience has destroyed any attraction that I had to it, I’m just afraid that it is too little too late. How relevant would my problem with pornography be to an annulment?

Thanks again for your advice and support!
 
As for myself,

I am attending daily mass, weekly confession, and it has been 5 weeks since I have looked at pornography, and I intend for that to be a permanent change no matter what happens. I have attended SA meetings, and have contacts now so that if I am ever tempted I have a support structure, I have canceled the internet connection at our house, and have changed the way I handle my responsibility as a husband, father and provider. The most difficult thing is though, that she tells me that no matter how much I change, she still would not want to be with me. She feels that the pornography addiction is “progressive” meaning that even if I never look at it again, I will still struggle with it and worse things as time goes on. I feel like I take a 2x4 to the head every morning I wake up at my parents house away from my children and wife, this is the most painful thing I have ever done in my life. My hope is that as time goes on, and hopefully these feelings fade for this other man, and she adjusts to the intense work in raising 4 children as a divorced couple that she will begin to see things differently. In the meantime I am attempting to make myself into a man that she can be attracted to, I’ve lost 20 pounds and intend to keep going, she wants a spiritual leader for our family, and I want to be that man. My hope is that time will heal things, I would prefer her to want to come back to our marriage rather than being trapped by finding our marriage was in fact valid. I hate the idea that we will waste a year or two of married life and raising our kids together only to find out it was valid.
 
Pornography is a serious & huge problem. Apparently you still don’t get it. You were, unfaithful to your wife, every time you partook of the poisoned cup. A woman will never believe you love her, when she is not enough for you! When you go out on her! It’s NOT just in your mind. It’s real! Women have a sixth sense, and a spiritual sensativity about relationships. Your sexuality is the Sacrament of your Marriage! The Communion of your domestic Church. You have taken the most beautiful sign, and summit of your love for your wife, and polluted it. You have invited prostitutes into your mind, and thus into your marriage bed! Your wife can see them, even if you cannot. She will not share. Take it seriously. God does.

A man is trying to get through your front door. He is heading for your wife or daughter, to rape, and defile her. What would you do? With fierce energy you would fight off this attacker! You would risk your life defending them. This is how you must respond to your attraction to porn.

Pornography, robs your soul of God’s grace, and makes you an enemy **of Jesus Christ. **"You love your sin too much. Be rid of this, wholeheartedly, and your marriage may have hope.

Prayers for your family.

this was posted before your last two comments…
 
Regina_Love said:
Pornography is a serious & huge problem. Apparently you still don’t get it. You were, unfaithful to your wife, every time you partook of the poisoned cup. A woman will never believe you love her, when she is not enough for you! When you go out on her! It’s NOT just in your mind. It’s real! Women have a sixth sense, and a spiritual sensativity about relationships. Your sexuality is the Sacrament of your Marriage! The Communion of your domestic Church. You have taken the most beautiful sign, and summit of your love for your wife, and polluted it. You have invited prostitutes into your mind, and thus into your marriage bed! Your wife can see them, even if you cannot. She will not share. Take it seriously. God does.

A man is trying to get through your front door. He is heading for your wife or daughter, to rape, and defile her. What would you do? With fierce energy you would fight off this attacker! You would risk your life defending them. This is how you must respond to your attraction to porn.

Pornography, robs your soul of God’s grace, and makes you an enemy **of Jesus Christ. **"You love your sin too much. Be rid of this, wholeheartedly, and your marriage may have hope.

Prayers for your family.

this was posted before your last two comments…
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And, while the OP may certainly have sinned and his wife may have an emotional reaction to this sin, neither the sin nor the reaction are grounds of nullity.
 
Thank you Regina, I have only in this last month begun understanding the damage, and I honestly don’t believe I will ever fully understand how much hurt I’ve caused to my wife, I was living in a fantasy world, and assumed that if she didn’t know, it didn’t hurt her. I take it very seriously now.
 
Regina_Love said:
Pornography is a serious & huge problem. Apparently you still don’t get it. You were, unfaithful to your wife, every time you partook of the poisoned cup. A woman will never believe you love her, when she is not enough for you! When you go out on her! It’s NOT just in your mind. It’s real! Women have a sixth sense, and a spiritual sensativity about relationships. Your sexuality is the Sacrament of your Marriage! The Communion of your domestic Church. You have taken the most beautiful sign, and summit of your love for your wife, and polluted it. You have invited prostitutes into your mind, and thus into your marriage bed! Your wife can see them, even if you cannot. She will not share. Take it seriously. God does.

A man is trying to get through your front door. He is heading for your wife or daughter, to rape, and defile her. What would you do? With fierce energy you would fight off this attacker! You would risk your life defending them. This is how you must respond to your attraction to porn.

Pornography, robs your soul of God’s grace, and makes you an enemy **of Jesus Christ. **"You love your sin too much. Be rid of this, wholeheartedly, and your marriage may have hope.

Prayers for your family.

this was posted before your last two comments…
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Remember that pornography is also an addiction and many men are caught in the snares. I know someone who cries every time after because he didn’t want to look but couldn’t stop himself. I poisoned my mind for 14 years (from ages 10-24) but by the Grace of God I have been free for the last 2 with no desire at all to look. One of the dangers of the internet is accidentally coming across it but when that happened I felt no lust, only pity for those people.

To the OP- it sounds like your wife has unresolved issues and, like you think, is afraid of you turning out like her stepfather. Did you disclose to the priest that you were having sex before marriage? If you didn’t then that can be a cause for nullity. You have done what you can, the best advice I can give is to pray harder than you have before for your wife.
 
  1. Fight like hell to keep your marriage;
  2. Do NOT give up;
  3. You do not have time to waste on learning about annulment–the precious little time you have left, should be dedicated to salvaging your MARRIAGE;
  4. Watch this movie–it depicts your scenario to a tee. The only difference, is that the movie is produced by protestants (evangelical Christians), and is about a husband seeking to avoid divorce, rather than annulment.
Fireproof is a 2008 American Christian drama film released by Samuel Goldwyn Films and Affirm Films,[2] directed by Alex Kendrick, who co-wrote and co-produced it with Stephen Kendrick. The film stars Kirk Cameron, Erin Bethea and Ken Bevel.
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Reviews for the film were “generally unfavorable” from film critics.[3][4] The film was successful at the box office, becoming a surprise hit,[5] debuting at #4 and becoming the highest-grossing independent film of 2008, grossing over $33,000,000.[6] It received awards from evangelical Christian organizations, including the Best Feature Film award at the 2009 San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival
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In the movie, the guy’s father prescribes a 40 day commitment, to help resusitate his marriage:
Continuing his 40-day challenge, Caleb begins doing more household chores and errands. He leaves her beautiful roses, and even smashes his computer to remove its temptations. But Catherine still thinks he has an ulterior motive, and she remains intent on divorce
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Coincides rather neatly–perhaps providentially–with Lent.

DO WHAT EVER YOU CAN SIR, TO EARN HER LOVE AGAIN, AND WIN HER BACK.

Deal with divorce, annulment, child support, visitation, all that other ****–AFTER it’s forced down your gullet. In the mean time, you have a marriage to salvage…get to work…

…and don’t forget: get your ash in Church! 🙂
 
Rosinante said:
Deal with divorce, annulment, child support, visitation, all that other ****–AFTER it’s forced down your gullet.
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I agree that he should do all he can to save his marriage. He has in fact done a lot, including attending Retrouvailles.

Perhaps you missed a few salient points:

His wife has already filed for divorced
He has already moved out of his house and is living with is parents

So, he is not in the house with her, and she is not simply talking about divorce. She has already filed. She has already chosen her path. He does need to be worried about his children, custody, and dealing with the divorce.
 
onceablasphemer said:
Remember that pornography is also an addiction and many men are caught in the snares. I know someone who cries every time after because he didn’t want to look but couldn’t stop himself. I poisoned my mind for 14 years (from ages 10-24) but by the Grace of God I have been free for the last 2 with no desire at all to look. One of the dangers of the internet is accidentally coming across it but when that happened I felt no lust, only pity for those people.

To the OP- it sounds like your wife has unresolved issues and, like you think, is afraid of you turning out like her stepfather. Did you disclose to the priest that you were having sex before marriage? If you didn’t then that can be a cause for nullity. You have done what you can, the best advice I can give is to pray harder than you have before for your wife.
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Not finalized. Still time to fight. Let his corpse be found with bloodied fists…

…and props to him for all that hes done so far, in his efforts.
 
I am continuing to fight, like I said, I would prefer to win back her love and affection rather than have a tribunal force it on her, however an annulment at this point is inevitable, she is contacting our parish priest today to start the process, and I want to be prepared. I’m afraid because it seems like annulments can be given out so easily today, and I don’t want my marriage to be a flip of the coin. Oh and yes we were both completely honest with our priest before we were married, we disclosed that we had been having premarital sex, and were attempting to abstain from it leading up to our marriage, and attending confession when we failed.

I have in fact watched fireproof and rewatched it since my wife first left me to go to her mothers, she is back at our house now, and I have tried to get her to watch it with me. I was amazed at how similar the story is to our own marriage, but I think at this point it wouldn’t do much for her. I do, really like your suggestion, I have been thinking about love dare book, and I think lent is the perfect time to do it, so thank you! EDIT: just next day delivered it from amazon.
 
joeshea said:
I am continuing to fight, like I said, I would prefer to win back her love and affection rather than have a tribunal force it on her, however an annulment at this point is inevitable, she is contacting our parish priest today to start the process, and I want to be prepared. I’m afraid because it seems like annulments can be given out so easily today, and I don’t want my marriage to be a flip of the coin. Oh and yes we were both completely honest with our priest before we were married, we disclosed that we had been having premarital sex, and were attempting to abstain from it leading up to our marriage, and attending confession when we failed.

I have in fact watched fireproof and rewatched it since my wife first left me to go to her mothers, she is back at our house now, and I have tried to get her to watch it with me. I was amazed at how similar the story is to our own marriage, but I think at this point it wouldn’t do much for her. I do, really like your suggestion, I have been thinking about love dare book, and I think lent is the perfect time to do it, so thank you! EDIT: just next day delivered it from amazon.
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It’s better that she doesn’t watch the movie.

Do what that guy did–and then some…actually, then lot’s more.

Pour it on. Let her KNOW how much you love her.

Peace.
 
1ke said:
Where did you get this idea?
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Perhaps I am under the wrong impression that lying when being interviewed by the priest for marriage preparation can invalidate a marriage?
 
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