Wife Wants NFP Husband Doesn't Care

[Listener]

I have seen many threads in these forums discussing what happens when one spouse wants to practice ABC, and the other spouse wants to practice NFP. I don’t think I have ever seen the following subject discussed. Suppose both spouses are Catholic. The wife wants to practice NFP. The husband wants nothing to do with it. No NFP, no ABC. The husband demands his marital rights. The wife is terrified of getting pregnant, and perhaps her doctor has even advised her against it.

I suppose also that this situation could be reversed. The wife might want all of the children God gives her, and the husband could want to practice NFP, being terrified about trying to support all of these children!

I think that birth control is a complex subject because two people are involved in it instead of only one person.

Has anyone here ever experienced this situation? What did you do about it?

 

[renee1258]

With NFP there are plenty of times within a cycle to make love, it is a marital right to make love not to have sex. So imposing on her in any physical way, after she declines citing she is fertile, would be morally wrong because it would disrespecting her dignity.

Both my husband and I are on the same page, and for one we don’t talk about NFP while actually in bed. It is best to talk about it at the kitchen table so we know what or what not to expect in the bedroom at any given time. And when either my husband or I are interested in marital relations we dont engage the encounter talking about “rights”. Demanding acts in the bedroom rather then a more romantic courtship like behavior/foreplay I would find to be a turn off, NFP or not.

 

[Liberian]

Listener,

It’s a subtle point, but there is a difference between having a right to something and having a right to demand your right to something. The husband may have marital rights, but I think (as the other respondent has noted) if he demands them he is out of line. He also has marital responsibilities and should spend his energy on meeting them.

• Liberian

 

[YinYangMom]

Communication,
respect,
responsibility,
love…

any marital relations should stem from those, imo.
keep talking 'til a mutual agreement is reached.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Suppose both spouses are Catholic. The wife wants to practice NFP. The husband wants nothing to do with it. No NFP, no ABC. The husband demands his marital rights. The wife is terrified of getting pregnant, and perhaps her doctor has even advised her against it.

I suppose also that this situation could be reversed. The wife might want all of the children God gives her, and the husband could want to practice NFP, being terrified about trying to support all of these children!

I quoted the following from a wonderful book called Marriage A Path to Sanctity by Javier Abad and Eugenio Fenoy: *It would also be a failure in the generosity called for by conjugal chastity to demand the use of marriage when, for some valid reason, it would only be burdensome, unpleasant and annoying for one’s partner. The offense would even be more serious if one of the spouses were to deny the reasonable request of the other for both are bound to render the marriage debt when it is asked for. It is an obligation of justice and love…But where are the limits to be drawn?..The behavior in keeping with the duty to render the marriage debt can be simply expressed in the following norm: neither spouse should refuse the other the marriage debt when it is reasonably asked for, even though he or she may not feel like it. This refusal would be a serious offense if the danger of incontinence of one’s spouse is foreseen. On the other hand, a refusal would be justified if the request is made unreasonably, as when asked in a state of drunkennnes or if mutual agreement had been made to live continence, or if serious inconvenience were to follow because of sickness or physical or moral exhaustion. *

I highly recommend this book. It presents the balance of love and justice that the op asks in her question. If another pregnancy could physicallly harm his wife, a husband who refuses to abstain during his wife’s fertile time is not acting in love. A wife demanding another child may not be acting out of love if her husband thinks they can barely afford the children God already gave them. Yet if the reasons for avoiding conjugal relations aren’t serious, a spouse should accomodate the other’s request. Some might be unreasonably “afraid” of another pregnancy or child to support, and the repeated excuse “not tonight dear I have a headache” may tempt the other to sin. If a spouse desires conjugal relations, the other spouse is obliged to accomodate any reasonable request. Conjugal life is about love, and all action or abstainence in it should also be about love…

 

[Pug]

The husband demands his marital rights. The wife is terrified of getting pregnant, and perhaps her doctor has even advised her against it.

I think the decision to engage in the marital act ought to be mutual. If my spouse were to refuse relations, I would not force the issue. I might talk about it, pray, take steps to express love, endure, address their fear, things like that. Act with love for the spouse at all times.

Or, if my spouse were to express willingness, but only on the condition that it be in front of other people or something, I’d pass. Some things are reasonable, others aren’t. If my spouse were willing on Tuesday, but not Thursday, well, then I’d take Tuesday and not worry about Thursday. (this last relates to NFP).

I think some of these issues in marriage can be our cross to bear.