Wife wants to reconcile....BUT

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so after 4 weeks in Louisiana and the Mississippi gulf Coast as both a police officer and paramedic aiding the local and federal detatchments, i found myself realizing that i deep down really want to join the Marines like my dad did, and my 2 brothers.

i always understood the bonds you make in situations like that, as well as in daily life as a medic/cop are stronger than any other at all. but my brothers and dad always told me that serving in the marines goes far beyond that, where you gain hundreds of thousands of brothers and sisters.

the guys i was with, and the things we saw, i have never felt closer to anyone in my entire life. i really want to join as an officer, and serve in Iraq with my brothers.

HOWEVER, the wife of mine who clobbered my with a frying pan and subsequently spent 4 months in jail now has found it in her heart to “forgive” ME, and wants to try reconciling. i am actually not all for it, and have the chance to start Officer Canidate School with the Marines in 2 weeks now that i finished my Master’s over the summer.

i really dont want to sit around anymore, especially trying to work things out with that woman while i could be really making a difference.

why should i be the one to wait around when shes the one who wants to reconcile? what is more important? one single marriage, or getting out there and really making a difference? i feel that my marriage isnt as important as serving the country and humanity.

i actually had the time of my life in the hurricane areas. i never have felt more alive, especially in the first days in New Orleans and Biloxi when the situation was really really dangerous. i totally loved going on patrols at night, and doing search and rescue. isnt it a stupid idea to try and reconcile a marriage when what i want to do is so dangerous?

if i dont go and do what i want to, ill spend the rest of my life regretting and resenting that i didnt. even though we are still married, the Marines said they dont need my wife’s consent for me to join.

my dad is ecstatic that i want to become a marine, but my mom is off the wall mad that i am going to leave my wife behind. ive never had a split decision reaction like that from them before, so im a little confused…
 
There is no reason as to why you can’t be married and join the Marines also. As the wife, sister, sister-in-law and daughter of military members I can honestly say that there are women who understand and appreciate the sacrifices that their loved ones make. Military spouses are some of the strongest people around.

You do have to forgive your wife. Whether or not you reconcile is between you and God. I think that you need to discuss this with a priest. You sound very angry. I can understand that forgiveness takes time but it is something that you need to work on.

Have you or your wife received any counceling since her outburst?
 
It’s rather hard to answer without knowing all of the circumstances but assuming that you took vows before God when you were married, it might be a little difficult to justify not reconciling with your wife. But, like I said, this is just based on not knowing what manner you were married, why she clobbered you, if you have kids, etc., etc., etc.

It sounds like you want to belong somewhere and marriage wasn’t making you feel that way. Have you thought of some marriage programs like Retrovialle? Many have gone into that with completely dreadful marriages and have come out with great ones.

One single marriage is very important to our world! I would hope the Marines would have encouraged you to work it out with your wife.
 
Why does it have to be either/or? Obviously one can be married and in the military. It might be good for your marriage to get away from the present environment. If your wife really wants to reconcile, she should be more than willing to follow you into the military(as in the wife of…not as in joining the military). If she is unwilling to go with you, then perhaps she is not serious about working things out.
 
Does your wife truly want to reconcile or is it that she doesn’t have any other/better options, for now anyway?

You can forgive her, but putting your marriage back together is another thing entirely. Unfortunately, you can’t do that while off saving the world. Before you indulge your fantasy of escape, being totally fulfilled, experiencing comraderie with the guys…you have some unfinished business with your marriage to attend to. It may not be fun, gratifying or ultimately successful, but any good Marine knows you have to finish one job before you can effectivley take on another–or you may fail at both. Get your ducks in a row before you just run off and join the Corps. They will be there if and when you are ready to offer your service.
 
Join the Marines.

I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who hit me with a frying pan.
 
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Benedictus:
Join the Marines.

I don’t think I’d want to be with someone who hit me with a frying pan.
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Ah, but WHY did she do that? What prompted it? We don’t know. She may have had good reason for all we know, meaning no offense to you, BC.

Also, and much more importantly, BC, you sound like child running off to join the circus instead of a man ready to serve his country through the good times and the bad. Are you sure you didn’t go into your marriage with the same attitude? With a fantasy in your head that couldn’t really exist? I think you need some good counseling before making any more commitments. And I think your dad is just projecting onto you what he would like not what is necessarily right for you, not that he has any bad intentions. It is typical of many parents that they think they can bale their kids out of unpleasant circumstances by getting them to fulfill their dreams in their place. You can’t do that. You have a wife and your own life to live. Don’t run after whatever pleases you but suck it up and do what needs to be done first. Then indulge yourself after.
 
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BioCatholic:
what is more important? one single marriage, or getting out there and really making a difference? i feel that my marriage isnt as important as serving the country and humanity.
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Actually, your marriage is more important. We owe to our marriage and spouse before we even owe to our children, much less the rest of the world.
 
Your marriage is more important.

You are already committed to God through her and your marriage, you are not free to commit your life to anyone or anything else without her acceptance.

Bottom line, what you want out of this life does not matter.
The **only **thing that matters is what God has designed for you in this life.
The fact that you are married says God led you to the woman He created for you.
He entered into the sacrament of marriage with the two of you and He was pleased.

Now do the right thing.
YOU, as an individual** DO NOT EXIST**.
You and your wife** are one**.

If joining the marines to serve in the Iraq war is God’s plan then once you reconcile your marriage and get your wife’s blessing and support to pursue that desire, then you can sign up. First things first.
 
Hey,

I come from an army family, so I understand a bit. If there is a chance, try to reconcile. Get spiritual and professional help.
 
reconcile. The Marines will always be there for you to join, but you may not get another chance to reconcile with your wife. Assuming you took a vow before God, it is your obligation to do so, unless she is insincere and/or continues to be abusive. Only you can decide if she is just trying to manipulate you and keep you from being happy. I think you at least owe her, yourself, and God a try.
Prayers coming your way, bio!
 
What a tough choice, it may seem like a no brainer between choosing a woman who clobbered you versus joining a group that will help others and help defend our country.

BUT as noble as it is to serve others, your first responsibility is to your spouse. She may not be an ideal wife or even a very nice person, but she is yours. You promised her in good times and in bad, for richer or poorer. You may be the difference between her maturing and becoming a more responsible and decent person and maybe becoming even worse.

We are all given burdens to carry in life and it seems your abusive spouse is yours. Give reconciliation a sincere and all out try. God bless you for caring and making a difference, but your wife needs your support now more than ever.
 
Try to work things out with your wife. This is your most important commitment after God. But do not stay in a situation where you will be physically abused. Work on things.
God bless you and we are all praying for you
Lilly
 
Hitting someone with a metal object is seriouse assault, ther is NO reason for it. If this guy stabbed his wife, would she be expected to reconcile? ofcoure not, but if a man gets seriousely assaulted he’s supposed to forgive and forget. She needs help, seriouse help, and your under no obligation to live with someone who could do you physical harm like that. I can’t believe a couple of the responses here actually…
 
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cynic:
I can’t believe a couple of the responses here actually…
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I can’t either. There’s no excuse for hitting someone with a frying pan, and there’s absolutely no way children should ever, ever be around such a person.

But maybe there’s more to the story than the OP lets on.
 
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cynic:
Hitting someone with a metal object is seriouse assault, ther is NO reason for it. If this guy stabbed his wife, would she be expected to reconcile? ofcoure not, but if a man gets seriousely assaulted he’s supposed to forgive and forget. She needs help, serious help, and your under no obligation to live with someone who could do you physical harm like that. I can’t believe a couple of the responses here actually…
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He doesn’t have to live with her.
But he cannot divorce her, nor can he enter into another relationship down the line.

Only the husband and wife know the circumstances around the incident. You are correct to note serious help would be needed. No one has advised against that. People can change with therapy and sometimes medication.

We also do not know the circumstances nor the state of her heart ask she seeks reconciliation. As a Catholic husband, yes, he is obliged to give the relationship another chance. He certainly can have a psychologist or psychiatrist sign off on whether or not she is stable enough to be sincere. He certainly can seek the advice of his priest. But the bottom line is, he is obliged to at least hear her out and give the relationship a shot.
 
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YinYangMom:
As a Catholic husband, yes, he is obliged to give the relationship another chance. …] But the bottom line is, he is obliged to at least hear her out and give the relationship a shot.
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What on Earth are you basing this on?! :mad: The Church doesn’t insist that we put up with violent people. We are not called to be punching bags.

You don’t know his situation well enough to scold him like that. I have no respect for people who keep giving violent people another chance. I have little sympathy for a spouse, male or female, who is the victim of ongoing abuse. A normal person would run for the hills.

The truth is that we don’t know what happened. Since she spent time in jail, it seems it was pretty bad; although, it’s not clear that’s the reason she was in jail.

Yes, he should probably consult a priest or something if he is in doubt about what to do.
 
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BioCatholic:
…
i really dont want to sit around anymore, especially trying to work things out with that woman while i could be really making a difference.

why should i be the one to wait around when shes the one who wants to reconcile? .
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I do believe you answered your own question.
~ Kathy ~
 
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Benedictus:
What on Earth are you basing this on?! :mad: The Church doesn’t insist that we put up with violent people. We are not called to be punching bags.

You don’t know his situation well enough to scold him like that. I have no respect for people who keep giving violent people another chance. I have little sympathy for a spouse, male or female, who is the victim of ongoing abuse. A normal person would run for the hills.

The truth is that we don’t know what happened. Since she spent time in jail, it seems it was pretty bad; although, it’s not clear that’s the reason she was in jail.

Yes, he should probably consult a priest or something if he is in doubt about what to do.
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Chill.
I didn’t scold anyone.

You are presuming this is a violent woman with serious mental problems.

Nowhere in the OPs post did he indicate this.

The only information we have is that she hit him with a pan and served four months in jail as a result.

He did not provide any details as to what led her to go at him with a pan.

Considering no one just whacks someone on the head with a pan without provocation, it is safe to assume two people were engaged in some sort of heated exchange leading up to said event, which makes both parties culpable. I am not saying he deserved it. I am saying he participated in the exchange which led to it. He could have, and most likely should have, walked away and counted to ten way before then, as she should have as well. Apparently, neither did.

There is no reason to assume there was a long running history of violence in this marriage. Where did you get the impression from his post that this was ongoing abuse?

There is no reason, based on the OPs post, that this voilence is likely to continue, or not, he simply doesn’t address that.

So no one is using anyone as a punching bag here.

She served time in jail because he pressed charges. Period.

She’s now out, is sorry, forgives him for whatever his part in the exchange was, and wants to reconcile.

The church does teach forgiveness.

I did recommend he seek counseling and advice of a priest to help him determine her sincerity before deciding whether or not to take her back.

I stated correctly the church’s teaching that he does not have to live with her, but he will always be married to her, even if he divorces her. He cannot get involved with another woman for the rest of his life.
 
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