Wife wants to return to work

[St_Francis]

HappyDad,
When my mother was at home, when I was growing up, so were lots of other ladies who lived around our house. She had other adults right there to talk with about subjects other than children. She also took classes and had a could of clubs she belonged to, but I think the day-time emptiness of most suburbs contributes a great deal to the feeling of isloation many SAHMs feel, aside from the rather negative view of SAHMs many other people have.

The thing is, it can be Very Hard to be a SAHM in an empty neighborhood. Raising children is not like what it was when I was growing up.

To be honest, when your wife “agreed” to this vision of the traditional family, she had much less idea of what she was getting into than you did of what you were getting into. And people change! My husband was really upset for quite some time that I had returned to the Catholic Church–he felt like we had agreed to be Espicopalian and I shouldn’t change.

Additionally, if your wife works part-time now, she will be able to keep up her skills. I worked in publishing, and what I did has been totally superceded by the internet, so I will have no work to return to–I’ll have to do quite a bit of training. If something happened to my husband, I would not be able to transition smoothly. If your wife keeps up with her skills, that is actually a good and prudent move, esp in her field.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

First of all, “Pumpk(name removed by moderator)ies37”'s link has a porn link. Don’t click on his/her post links.

2nd of all, the truth is I think this post by the “new trial member!” is a troll post.

I haven’t posted in awhile and this is the first thing I read.It sounds like other posts I have always read on the CAF family forum: where a new member with the same voice posts a story about his marraige/family with a query that always sounds sort of fake. The details in the story just don’t sound real.

That’s my opinion about this thread.

 

[pianistclare]

But what if I suddenly said, “you know honey, this whole full time job thing is not as fun as I originally thought. I’m not that happy and I would like to work only part time from now on. I know we depend on my fulfilling the role of breadwinner, but let’s change our whole life so I can only do my job part time.” People would say I was a bad husband and a poor provider. People would say I was a loser for not wanting to work full time. Yet I am supposed to be supportive when my wife says she only wants to mother my kids part time?

Oh wow.
Where do I start.
So they’re YOUR kids now? She’s only a breeder? She has feelings about her children too. Maybe you should consider that. What makes you think that “mothering” as you call it only takes place when you’re in the same room?
There’s so much here that says to me that you see a mother as servant, housekeeper, cook, and laundress.
Wouldn’t you like her to model for your daughter(s) if you have any, that women can be educated and a good role model at the same time?
Stop and think if your daughter married a guy who felt like working was beneath his wife.
you’d wonder why you “wasted” all that money on college tuition.
She’s a nurse. Compassionate by trade and training. Give her a break. Take up the slack. Build a marriage on shared vows, not contractual agreements.
You’ll be amazed at how loving your marriage and home will be.
And isn’t THAT the idea here? If it’s not, then you really need a re-boot.
Go back to your vows.

 

[LightBound]

First of all, “Pumpk(name removed by moderator)ies37”'s link has a porn link. Don’t click on his/her post links.

2nd of all, the truth is I think this post by the “new trial member!” is a troll post.

I haven’t posted in awhile and this is the first thing I read.It sounds like other posts I have always read on the CAF family forum: where a new member with the same voice posts a story about his marraige/family with a query that always sounds sort of fake. The details in the story just don’t sound real.

That’s my opinion about this thread.

We have this happen almost every Holy Week- it’s usually about a wife that won’t wear a veil at Mass, wants to get an education, or won’t “obey orders”. I’m waiting to see how this thread pans out and what the OP’s response to suggestions on here will be, but you may be on to something Only time and his response’s will tell…

 

[Musician]

I’ve managed to merge my professional career as a musician with my family life. I am very glad that my husband was and is so supportive, because I can’t NOT do music. It is my ministry and in my DNA.
I can’t imagine my husband taking my concerns and ideas and needs so lightly.

 

[PietroPaolo]

Long story short, we are a traditional Catholic family with four great kids ages 8-2. I make good money and we have a nice home, kids go to Catholic school, and while we aren’t rolling in money we have a nice lifestyle.

Before we married 10 years ago we agreed that my wife would be a stay home mom when we had kids. She has fulfilled the end of the bargain, as have I (to work and provide an income for the family.). When I am home I am helpful and play with the kids. I try to make sure she gets a break once a week going out with girlfriends, having a massage, book club, whatever.

Now she is telling me that she wants to go back to work 20 hours a week (she is a nurse.) she said being an at home mom isn’t doing it for her anymore, it’s unexciting and unfulfilling. She said she needs the outside feedback and stimulation. She says she is unhappy just being a mom and wife and needs “more than just that.” She said she will be a better and happier wife and mom if she has work outside the home.

I think the kids need a full time mom. Her going back to work would mean we had to hire a sitter or put the younger two in a daycare facility. That is not my vision of an acceptable family. I realize some people have no choice, but we do. We don’t need her to work and even she admits it’s not about the money. She said she doesn’t even care if the childcare fees break even with her income.

I don’t want my kids raised by outsiders. I want my wife to pull her end of the bargain by staying home and when our youngest is 18 she can work. As a man I take pride in providing and I don’t want to tell people my wife works or that the kids are in daycare. I want to come home to an intact family. Moms should stay home in my opinion and I don’t know what to say to a woman who finds raising kids and being a homemaker and wife boring and unfulfilling. My mom did it and seemed happy. Why would any woman want outside work?

Advice guys!

What can you do? I’d encourage her to stay home (it’s by far the best situation for the kids) but you can’t force her to stay home. If she wants to work, there is nothing you can really do about. Pray that she has a change of heart, then leave it in the hands of God.

 

[catholicmamajoy]

What can you do? I’d encourage her to stay home (it’s by far the best situation for the kids) but you can’t force her to stay home. If she wants to work, there is nothing you can really do about. Pray that she has a change of heart, then leave it in the hands of God.

As someone who was employed in healthcare for nearly 20 years (from before my oldest was born until my youngest was 8), I will say that one can still “stay home” with the kids, but also be employed outside the home. I did it for a very long time and didn’t use outside childcare (and we also homeschool). His wife is a nurse- that means very flexible scheduling, such as weekend, evening, night, and partial shifts. If ministering to others as a nurse and being out of the house with other adults who also share her interests in health care aids in her own mental health and well-being, it will benefit her family!

 

[KnitNut]

Long story short, we are a traditional Catholic family with four great kids ages 8-2. I make good money and we have a nice home, kids go to Catholic school, and while we aren’t rolling in money we have a nice lifestyle.

Before we married 10 years ago we agreed that my wife would be a stay home mom when we had kids. She has fulfilled the end of the bargain, as have I (to work and provide an income for the family.). When I am home I am helpful and play with the kids. I try to make sure she gets a break once a week going out with girlfriends, having a massage, book club, whatever

Think about this. She’s working at her job 24/7/365. You “help” at times. And she gets a couple hours off ONCE A WEEK.

Would you be willing to continue in your job as breadwinner under these working conditions/requirements?

Your wife is asking for time she can use for herself. Even if you work 12 hours a day, you get to leave the office/site and recharge for 12 hours. She gets a lousy massage one a week…
Not even an hour a day guaranteed away.

She feels like she is losing herself. She, too, needs time to recharge. You would be wise to understand her perspective and work to meet her needs as she has met yours.

(I say this as a SAHM of kids 4-17. If I didn’t have the chance to work on my goals on a regular basis - volunteer work, education, hobbies - I’d be resigning from the ‘wife’ duties to make time!)

 

[PaulinVA]

But what if I suddenly said, “you know honey, this whole full time job thing is not as fun as I originally thought. I’m not that happy and I would like to work only part time from now on. I know we depend on my fulfilling the role of breadwinner, but let’s change our whole life so I can only do my job part time.” People would say I was a bad husband and a poor provider. People would say I was a loser for not wanting to work full time. Yet I am supposed to be supportive when my wife says she only wants to mother my kids part time?

I understand how you feel.

Men have a much more simple path. We are supposed to find a career that can support a family. We are supposed to put up with all the BS and unhappiness so that we can support our family. Supporting our family is the number one thing on our minds. The idea of fulfillment and happiness is a somewhat foreign concept. We are just desperately trying to provide. If it’s fun, if we are happy with our job, that is a bonus. It’s not a requisite. We all have to eat first.

So, when our better half starts talking about fulfillment and happiness, one question that enters our thoughts is, 'Why do you get to be fulfilled?" This fulfillment discussion is only occurring because the husband is taking care of the survival part. The unglamorous part. The stupid boss and whiny subordinates part. The “I go to work to support my family” part.

My wife says that there has to be a way for both of us to be fulfilled and professionally happy. I agree, but I don’t know how to get past the pressure of providing basic needs.

 

[LongingSoul]

I don’t want my kids raised by outsiders. I want my wife to pull her end of the bargain by staying home and when our youngest is 18 she can work. As a man I take pride in providing and I don’t want to tell people my wife works or that the kids are in daycare. I want to come home to an intact family. Moms should stay home in my opinion and I don’t know what to say to a woman who finds raising kids and being a homemaker and wife boring and unfulfilling. My mom did it and seemed happy. Why would any woman want outside work?

I think that it is fair enough not to want you kids ‘raised by outsiders’.

One thing I’d suggest to you in nutting this out with your wife, is not to exaggerate the kids needs. To expect her to stay home giving 24 hours care to an 18 year old is not realistic. I left home to work in the capital when I was just 17 and I was an independent adult since then. My mum always worked (she was a teacher) and as the oldest, I took on a greater role in minding the younger ones. Theres always some ways of getting around the need for ‘outsiders’ to be involved. (I’m with you completely on that point)

If I was you though, I wouldn’t make this issue a wedge between your wife and yourself. The young years go so quickly. Surprisingly quickly, and if you are in an environment where you will be judged if your wife works, (you said you were a traditional?), let the wedge be between yourself and them for the short time the young years last. Your marriage is way more important and we all have to be flexible to make things work. Flexible is good. Micro managers make unnecessary stress on a family.

 

[KnitNut]

I understand how you feel.

Men have a much more simple path. We are supposed to find a career that can support a family. We are supposed to put up with all the BS and unhappiness so that we can support our family. Supporting our family is the number one thing on our minds. The idea of fulfillment and happiness is a somewhat foreign concept. We are just desperately trying to provide. If it’s fun, if we are happy with our job, that is a bonus. It’s not a requisite. We all have to eat first.

So, when our better half starts talking about fulfillment and happiness, one question that enters our thoughts is, 'Why do you get to be fulfilled?" This fulfillment discussion is only occurring because the husband is taking care of the survival part. The unglamorous part. The stupid boss and whiny subordinates part. The “I go to work to support my family” part.

My wife says that there has to be a way for both of us to be fulfilled and professionally happy. I agree, but I don’t know how to get past the pressure of providing basic needs.

Right. But you work however many hours of misery, and then you get to leave it behind for a while. (Whether you’re going home to a happy household is a different discussion.) The wife is stuck in her work environment 24/7/365…and often her “breaks” are work-related - bringing a kid to the doctor, grocery shopping, etc. Not really time to recharge away from her primary employment.

Just like the employed spouse, the SAHM can feel “unfulfilled”…and still take care of her responsibilities. It bothers me that folks would consider one more essential than the other. Honestly, if my husband were unable to provide, I’d have to go back to work & he’d be trying out my role. And I daresay the entire household would be shaken…and I’d have the much easier end of the deal. Hence his motivation to do whatever he has to do to “provide”.

(BTW, I’m amazed anyone would think being the SAHM is glamorous. Housemaid, child-minder, nurse, cook. Yeah, it’s 4 or 5 dream occupations all rolled into one. And then we’re supposed to be the wife, too. And not ask for any time to ourselves.)

 

[PaulinVA]

Right. But you work however many hours of misery, and then you get to leave it behind for a while. (Whether you’re going home to a happy household is a different discussion.) The wife is stuck in her work environment 24/7/365…and often her “breaks” are work-related - bringing a kid to the doctor, grocery shopping, etc. Not really time to recharge away from her primary employment.

Yes, I understand this. More and more it’s not easy leaving work at work, so many times a husband actually is expected to perform at home both by the work boss and the wife. Talk about being on all the time.

(BTW, I’m amazed anyone would think being the SAHM is glamorous. Housemaid, child-minder, nurse, cook. Yeah, it’s 4 or 5 dream occupations all rolled into one. And then we’re supposed to be the wife, too. And not ask for any time to ourselves.)

I mentioned glamorous because many wives do envy their husbands being able to go to work where it’s interesting and engaging. It’s not always that. Not by a long shot.

I do believe that men and women should be happy. Really. I understand that staying home with the kiddos after a while saps your strength and can turn your mind to jelly. I just posted to mentioned that it’s not so hot on the other side, either. Mom and dad need to work together to create a great environment to raise the kids.

And, you have to adapt. Your arrangements won’t stay the same over a 20 or 25 year period.

 

[tabycat]

Long story short, we are a traditional Catholic family with four great kids ages 8-2. I make good money and we have a nice home, kids go to Catholic school, and while we aren’t rolling in money we have a nice lifestyle.

Before we married 10 years ago we agreed that my wife would be a stay home mom when we had kids. She has fulfilled the end of the bargain, as have I (to work and provide an income for the family.). When I am home I am helpful and play with the kids. I try to make sure she gets a break once a week going out with girlfriends, having a massage, book club, whatever.

Now she is telling me that she wants to go back to work 20 hours a week (she is a nurse.) she said being an at home mom isn’t doing it for her anymore, it’s unexciting and unfulfilling. She said she needs the outside feedback and stimulation. She says she is unhappy just being a mom and wife and needs “more than just that.” She said she will be a better and happier wife and mom if she has work outside the home.

I think the kids need a full time mom. Her going back to work would mean we had to hire a sitter or put the younger two in a daycare facility. That is not my vision of an acceptable family. I realize some people have no choice, but we do. We don’t need her to work and even she admits it’s not about the money. She said she doesn’t even care if the childcare fees break even with her income.

I don’t want my kids raised by outsiders. I want my wife to pull her end of the bargain by staying home and when our youngest is 18 she can work. As a man I take pride in providing and I don’t want to tell people my wife works or that the kids are in daycare. I want to come home to an intact family. Moms should stay home in my opinion and I don’t know what to say to a woman who finds raising kids and being a homemaker and wife boring and unfulfilling. My mom did it and seemed happy. Why would any woman want outside work?

Advice guys!

1. During the hight of whale hunting some of the whaling towns were run by the wives of the whalers, because most of the men were out hunting whales sometimes months or years at a time.
2. “Why would an woman want outside work?” Are you forgeting about single wormen (never married or husband is dead or has left)? They may not have a choice to work out side of the home.
   :whacky:

 

[Groo]

I’m suspicious and pessimistic by nature, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But I don’t think your wife is being completely open with her motivations.

I suggest listening to what she says - really listening. Put aside your wants and concerns and focus on what she is saying. And don’t take everything she says at face value. Read between the lines. Pretend like you are in the middle of a major business negotiation where neither side lays their cards all on the table.

Most working women I know would love to stay home with their children. They work only because they have to.

Maybe your wife really takes pride and joy in her profession. That’s possible I suppose. But again I think there is something she is not telling you.

 

[IBombAtomically]

First of all, “Pumpk(name removed by moderator)ies37”'s link has a porn link. Don’t click on his/her post links.

2nd of all, the truth is I think this post by the “new trial member!” is a troll post.

I haven’t posted in awhile and this is the first thing I read.It sounds like other posts I have always read on the CAF family forum: where a new member with the same voice posts a story about his marraige/family with a query that always sounds sort of fake. The details in the story just don’t sound real.

That’s my opinion about this thread.

I think the OP sounds possibly fake, too.

In the unlikely event that it’s real: Just compromise and she can go back to work when the kids are in school, and agree to a schedule where she can be home when the kids get home.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Well imagine… We marry based partly on a shared vision of “family” and traditional values.

We decide, together, that I will be the breadwinner and she will raise the family as a stay home mom.

I work hard to make these shared dreams a possibility.

Then she says she’s not having as much fun as I have because I “get to have both” work and family, and reneges on the deal.

I want her to be happy, but most women would love to stay home and never have to work. At the very least, they sacrifice wanting to work for the good of the kids. People are always telling my wife how lucky she is that she gets to stay home.

Where do you get these stats that most women want to be at home? in your world perhaps but most women I know desire more than that. I could never be happy in that role at all and same with many other women. These are Catholic women with kids and careers.

Honestly she’s telling you being a sahm is not for her and if you keep fighting this what will likely happen is she will still go to work. She might even leave you because of this.

 

[on_the_hill]

But what if I suddenly said, “you know honey, this whole full time job thing is not as fun as I originally thought. I’m not that happy and I would like to work only part time from now on. I know we depend on my fulfilling the role of breadwinner, but let’s change our whole life so I can only do my job part time.” People would say I was a bad husband and a poor provider. People would say I was a loser for not wanting to work full time. Yet I am supposed to be supportive when my wife says she only wants to mother my kids part time?

In 1999, my wife said exactly the same thing to me. She was earning almost double my salary. She took a 2/3 pay cut to work part time in a field she truly enjoys. This is the first year that our household income has reached the level it was in 1999. She still earns relatively little–but my income has gone up. We have three kids and $$ is often very tight. But she’s happy, we’re happy.

 

[SouthCatholic]

Just pick up a club, hit her over the head and drag her back to the kitchen. Then lock the door. From the outside. That will teach her!

Sorry, just being sarcastic there. But seriously, I just don’t think that there is anything you can do in this situation. Maybe she’s not happy in the marriage and she needs a diversion. Maybe there is something more you could be doing for her. Maybe marriage counseling would help.

There is certainly nothing immoral about working outside the home. Maybe she will enjoy it and stick with it, maybe after a few months she’ll be happy to give it up.

Certainly though, telling her no or comparing her to your mother…are just bad ideas. Are you seriously comparing her to your mother? Don’t do that. Please.

There are worse things she could do you know. Working as a nurse for 20 hours a week is not exactly the same as joining a troupe of circus performers. If you are uncomfortable telling people that your wife works outside the home, just count your blessings she is going to be working as a nurse. And not something more embarrassing…like … insert embarrassing occupation.

Sorry… I just had to emphasize this point!!! :nope: :nope: :nope:

VERY BAD IDEA!!!

 

[lily22]

There’s no room in society anymore for a stay-at-home mom. That career has been attacked by satan.

I would suggest she join mom groups or PTA or something. Maybe she can be the school nurse? A red cross volunteer?

I would be fearful of any outsider teaching my kids.

Maybe God has an amicable solution.

 

[Rence]

But what if I suddenly said, “you know honey, this whole full time job thing is not as fun as I originally thought. I’m not that happy and I would like to work only part time from now on. I know we depend on my fulfilling the role of breadwinner, but let’s change our whole life so I can only do my job part time.” People would say I was a bad husband and a poor provider. People would say I was a loser for not wanting to work full time. Yet I am supposed to be supportive when my wife says she only wants to mother my kids part time?

So you’re saying that working mothers are only part time mothers? I don’t think so.

A few people have said it already, here it is again: she may need to use the education she worked so hard for. She may need adult companionship part of the time. She may need stimuli outside the home that she can’t get at home all day with the kids. You can either have an unhappy wife and mother that you have badgered into staying home, or a happy one who has interests outside the family and who is stimulated outside the family.

Your wife is a nurse, as any other skilled profession. She is at a point in her life where she has plateaued and needs to grow and develop as a person in other ways outside her family. I don’t see this turning out well for you our your family if you deny her.