Wife wants to use contraception

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francis_dn

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Hi,
I’ve been converted to Catholic 5 years ago when I had already married.
My wife is not a catholic, not a christian also.
We did not talk about birth control, we have a son and my wife doesn’t want anymore kids because of her age, job and etc.
I explained to her NFP method but she refused to use it.
So I explain my situation; I don’t want to use all contraceptive methods.
It seems our marriage are being locked.
I think that “refrain of the relationship” is not a solution, I can not force her.
Thanks and have blessed lent season.
(Note: sorry for this terrible english, this is not my native language!)
 
Sorry! I did a big mistake! there is correct message;
Hi,
I’ve been converted to Catholic 5 years ago when I had already married.
My wife is not a catholic, not a christian also.
We did not talk about birth control, we have a son and my wife doesn’t want anymore kids because of her age, job and etc.
I explained to her NFP method but she refused to use it.
So I explain my situation; I don’t want to use all contraceptive methods.
It seems our marriage is being locked.
I think that “refrain of the relationship” is not a solution, I can not force her.
Thanks and have blessed lent season.
(Note: sorry for this terrible english, this is not my native language!)
 
Praying for you to find a way to solve this issue.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Thank you for your beautiful prayers.
I did a big mistake; I wanted to write “contraceptive” but I wrote “conceptive”.
I apologize to all readers.
 
Your wife probably feels that you have changed the rules on her. To her it is a non-issue and you are making a big deal out of it. Help her realize how important this is not only to you but as a couple.

What are her objections? Help her find the answers. Maybe let her talk to a couple that has been using NFP.

Bonus: NFP keeps romance in a marriage.

I will pray for you both.
 
I would speak to your priest and follow his advice.

Pray for her, and do not use condoms or other forms of artificial birth control on your end.

With that said, in most cases, if your spouse is the one using contraception, such as the birth control pill or an IUD, against your wishes, you are not required to abstain from sexual relations. In those cases, it is her sin, not yours.
 
francis_dn said:
Hi,
I’ve been converted to Catholic 5 years ago when I had already married.
My wife is not a catholic, not a christian also.
We did not talk about birth control, we have a son and my wife doesn’t want anymore kids because of her age, job and etc.
I explained to her NFP method but she refused to use it.
So I explain my situation; I don’t want to use all contraceptive methods.
It seems our marriage are being locked.
I think that “refrain of the relationship” is not a solution, I can not force her.
Thanks and have blessed lent season.
(Note: sorry for this terrible english, this is not my native language!)
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First, you should try to explain to your wife why contraception is wrong, and why openness to life, with NFP to avoid pregnancy if necessary, is the better option. However, it sounds like you have already done this, and I would caution you not to push too far, too hard, and too often on this issue. Try not to let this become a point that drives a wedge between you and your wife. The best thing to do might be to give her a good book or article to read, or a good CD to listen to (e.g., “Contraception, Why Not” by Janet Smith). But again, don’t push too hard on this. Maybe bring it up once in a while, but not so often and so forcefully that the topic becomes a wedge that drives the two of you apart.

Having said that, I believe that you can in good conscience have intimate relations with your wife with her using contraception, provided that you have made known your objection to contraception (which you already have), and provided that you do not participate in the use of contraception yourself (e.g., you do not go to the store and pick up her birth control pills, you do not use a condom, etc.).

The one problem that is a bit more complicated, and where I am not sure how to advise you, is that birth control pills do not always work as a contraceptive. Sometimes they work instead as an abortifacient, by preventing a newly conceived embryo from implanting in the woman’s uterus, thus leading to the death of the embryo within the first few days after conception. This fact I think makes it less clear whether you can still participate in the marital act in good conscience, if your wife is using this type of contraceptive pill. I still think you can have relations with your wife in good conscience in this situation, because to deny relations to your wife also would be a serious sin (I think). But I am less sure about this scenario than if the medicine had only a contraceptive effect, with no possibility of an abortifacient effect.

Maybe someone more knowledgeable than me on moral theology can clear up this last point, or correct me if I have given you bad advice anywhere else.
 
Thanks for all messages.
I wrote this problem to “ask an apologist” section but so far they have not received a response. What is in my wife’s mind about this issue? Nothing. She doesn’t care the contraceptive methods. I tried to explain to her BOM method, and other natural family planing methods, she just laughed at me.She thinks that all these methods not work correctly and all of them are very old technics. I tried explain the statistics also. Eventually I was forced to declare certain things; I do not use condom, I do not withdrawl, I do not support or permit any kind of contraceptive methods. She listened to me and and said she would use the pills and that was her desicion. The questions in this situation;
  1. Should I refrain to relationship with her?
  2. Should I go to priest for confession every time (for taking communion)?
  3. Is there something solution that I couldn’t imagine?
    Thanks.
 
No, as long as you are not initiating the artificial contraception yourself, you are OK. Your wife should talk to her doctor, though, to make sure that she isn’t using anything inappropriate for her. The pill, for instance, is problematic for older women and for women who smoke or who have other issues.

If your wife speaks English, you might want to buy her a copy of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” It’s a secular book and a lot of people here and elsewhere love it (have a look at the Amazon reviews). It does mention the option of using condoms during the fertile period, as it is a secular book, but it is very informative.
 
CatholicRaven said:
I would speak to your priest and follow his advice.

Pray for her, and do not use condoms or other forms of artificial birth control on your end.

With that said, in most cases, if your spouse is the one using contraception, such as the birth control pill or an IUD, against your wishes, you are not required to abstain from sexual relations. In those cases, it is her sin, not yours.
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I really struggle with the last part of this response. How in the world can you be this woman’s husband and leave her in a situation where, “it’s her sin not yours”. As a man I would not be able to put my wife in this situation. To me it is being extremely uncaring to the single most important person in your life.

I do agree with the advice that you need to talk to a priest about this and you may want to gain a respectful understanding of why your wife wants to use contraception. In my marriage my wife suffered severe post-partum depression and my wife and I were allowed by our priest to use contraception.

I believe that the pope’s recent call for a understanding heart is probably called for in your situation.

Peace, g.
 
francis_dn said:

“She thinks that all these methods not work correctly and all of them are very old technics.”

At least here in the US, using fertility awareness to achieve pregnancy is very, very mainstream and lots of non-Catholics and secular people do it. It is rather less common to do fertility awareness to delay pregnancy, but the general principles of fertility awareness are more and more common knowledge.
 
Tighty_Whitey said:
I really struggle with the last part of this response. How in the world can you be this woman’s husband and leave her in a situation where, “it’s her sin not yours”. As a man I would not be able to put my wife in this situation. To me it is being extremely uncaring to the single most important person in your life.

I do agree with the advice that you need to talk to a priest about this and you may want to gain a respectful understanding of why your wife wants to use contraception. In my marriage my wife suffered severe post-partum depression and my wife and I were allowed by our priest to use contraception.

I believe that the pope’s recent call for a understanding heart is probably called for in your situation.

Peace, g.
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This is a source of sadness for me indeed.
But when I’ve been converted we have already married,
she is a muslim and according to the islamic point of view there is no problem of artifical birth control so she couldn’t understand the issue.
Of course I love my wife and I know she loves me,
but I really tried to explain to her, there is need a chance to life, the artifical methods are against the Love of God and etc. but she couldn’t understand.
 
Tighty_Whitey said:
I really struggle with the last part of this response. How in the world can you be this woman’s husband and leave her in a situation where, “it’s her sin not yours”. As a man I would not be able to put my wife in this situation. To me it is being extremely uncaring to the single most important person in your life.
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I think perhaps you missed the context of my words. He did NOT “put his wife in this situation.” That is my point.

In saying that it is her sin, not his, I simply meant that he is not sinning by continuing to have sex with his wife when she is contracepting against his wishes. He cannot force her not to sin, but this sin is not his personal responsibility, since he’s already done what he can to lead her on the right path–but she is determined not to follow.

He should not withhold sex against her wishes because that would be a sin on his part.

Of course he will worry for her and care about this issue, because he loves his wife and wants what is best for her. But he cannot make her choices for her or control her. Like it or not, she has free will.

What is it he can do that he has not already done to keep her from doing this? What would you suggest as a man?

He has made his position clear that it is wrong, and he does not want her to do it. He has tried to convince her of the right way, with information and understanding. He has done all he can to influence her to change her actions. She has rejected what he has said. Therefore, she is the only one responsible for her actions.

However, since she does not truly understand the gravity of it, her culpability may be lessened.

My prayers are with you, Francis_dn. :gopray2:
 
francis_dn said:
  1. Should I refrain to relationship with her?
  2. Should I go to priest for confession every time (for taking communion)?
  3. Is there something solution that I couldn’t imagine?
    Thanks.
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(1) I would say no, do not refrain from marital relations with your wife. You can have relations with her, even if she insists on using contraception.

(2) I don’t think you have to go to confession about this, based on the information you have given. But it would probably be a good idea to talk to a priest for advice about this situation. I think that I am giving you the correct advice, but I am not an expert in moral theology, so I think you would do better to consult a priest to be sure.

(3) I wish I had a good solution to suggest. I would just say what I said earlier – give your wife some good information on natural family planning, but don’t push too hard on this issue. And pray for her of course.
 
thanks for all messages.
I think I’ve done my best about this problem.
I always pray for a solution and I will continue.
I dont want to use any kind of contraception, no I will never use these dirty methods
also I don’t want her using pills, but I had explained my reasons clearly and these reasons have been refused by her. She doesn’t believe NFP methods despite explanations and statistics. I cannot force her or cut the relation with her. I cannot change her mind by myself.
As I wrote, I always pray.
One of the confessor that I asked this problem told me that; “yes this is a problem, it seems difficult to solve, and yes, there is a law but there is love also.” I think he is right.
On the other hand if I want to receive the Holy Communion with pure heart, I should not be in a mortal sin.
The only thing I want to know that; during this situation, am I in mortal sin?
Thank you all followers.
 
francis_dn said:
On the other hand if I want to receive the Holy Communion with pure heart, I should not be in a mortal sin.
The only thing I want to know that; during this situation, am I in mortal sin?
Thank you all followers.
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Since she is the one using the contraception, and since she is using contraception against your will, and since you have tried to convince her not to use contraception, my understanding is that you would not be in mortal sin. Here is an official church document which addresses this question:

Vademecum for Confessors

Here is a quote from the document:
  1. Special difficulties are presented by cases of cooperation in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infecund. In the first place, it is necessary to distinguish cooperation in the proper sense, from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses, which the other spouse in fact cannot resist.46, 561).] This cooperation can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:

    1. *] when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself;47
      *] when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating in the sin of the other spouse;
      *] when one is seeking to help the other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer, charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor on every single occasion).
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    1. Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made to means which can have an abortifacient effect.48
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    Here are the relevant footnotes:
    (46) “Holy Church knows full well that not infrequently, one of the parties is sinned against rather than sinning, when for a grave cause he or she reluctantly allows the perversion of the right order. In such a case, there is no sin, provided that, mindful of the law of charity, he or she does not neglect to seek to dissuade and to deter the partner from sin” (Pius XI, Enc. Casti Connubii, AAS 22 $[1930$
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    (47) 3 Cf. Denzinger-Schönmetzer, *Enchiridion Symbolorum
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    , 2795, 3634.

    (48) “From the moral standpoint, it is never licit to cooperate formally in evil. Such cooperation occurs when an action, either by its very nature or by the form it takes in a concrete situation, can be defined as a direct participation in an act against innocent human life or a sharing in the immoral intention of the person committing it” (John Paul II, Enc. Evangelium Vitae, March 25, 1995, n. 74).Please especially pay attention to footnote 46 which is from a papal encyclical, and which by itself seems to give the answer to your question.

    But going back to the main quote above, I think that you meet the three conditions listed, as follows:
    1. Your action of cooperating with your spouse is not illicit in any other way.
    2. I would say that a proportionally grave reason for cooperating with your spouse exists – namely that it would be detrimental to your marriage if you unilaterally decided to withhold relations.
    3. You already have sought and will continue to seek to get her to stop using contraception, though as it says above, you do not have to do this on every occasion.
    If I understand this correctly, it means that the only thing that potentially could be a moral stumbling block in having relations with your wife while she uses contraception is that hormonal contraceptives can sometimes have an abortifacient effect. However, based on footnote 48, I think that even here you are fine, and you are not committing a mortal sin by having relations with your wife.

    But again, I would recommend that you discuss this situation with a trusted priest to get a more authoritative answer. You might even print the relevant passages from the document that I quoted, and discuss those passages with the priest, to be sure that you are understanding them correctly.
 
francis_dn said:
The only thing I want to know that; during this situation, am I in mortal sin?
Thank you all followers.
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No. If your wife chooses to contracept it is her sin. You’ve made your objections known and done all you can at this point. Your conscience is clear. Just keep praying your wife has a change of heart.
 
Thanks for all messages,
especially PaulGH (official church document - Vademecum)
Have a blessed lent season.
 
Tighty_Whitey said:
I do agree with the advice that you need to talk to a priest about this and you may want to gain a respectful understanding of why your wife wants to use contraception. In my marriage my wife suffered severe post-partum depression and my wife and I were allowed by our priest to use contraception.
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I’m sorry but no priest can “allow” any such thing. I’m sure this priest means well but he can’t do that. No one can.

But the OP’s situation is different anyway and thankfully another poster has already provided the appropriate document. The OP does not need to abstain if his wife uses contraception against his wishes.
 
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