Wife Went Astray...

[wcknight]

What a horrific situation !!!

The easy answer is to separate and let the wife and child fend for themselves. The really tough road is to stick it out and try to forgive and raise this child as their own.

It would take an awful lot of love and understanding to try to live with this situation. The hurt and betrayal is unbearbable and the child will be a constant reminder of the wife’s infidelity.

The wife does not want to give up the baby, and that too is understandable. No mother or mother to be can easily give up a baby. The question is how much does the mother love her husband. Will she be faithful in the future, will she be understanding if her husband can not fully treat her illegitimate son as his own ?

And conversely how much does Diver love his wife ? Is the marriage irreconcilably destroyed ? Will he be able to put aside the hurt and betrayal in the future and move on with his marriage and his life.

It is a huge step to forgive a spouse for a infidelity especially one that has a child involved. No one ever wants to have to face that situation. But many folks do and they get through it. Some work it out with some success, some try and fail, and others just separate and divorce.

I know of one who has made it work. The marriage is intact and the father accepts the child as his own. It is a tough road to go. The child’s natural father is another race, so it is very easy to tell that the child is not from the husband.

It is very hard to create a loving family from this situation, but it is possible. Diver should take a bit more time to get over the shock of this discovery. Maybe having seen the baby may help him find out if he can accept the child as his own. Babies can change peoples attitudes. They are competely innocent and accepting.

IF after a few weeks or months of real attempts at bonding are not successful, then I would say make a decision to leave or dissolve the marriage. The child deserves to have the chance to have a good father. You can be a great dad and still not be its biological parent.

It is not the physically biological events that makes a good father. It is the care, attention, and love that makes a good parent. IF diver so chooses, the biological parent need never have anything to do with this child. I would never let him know, and I would never let him near the child. IF years down the road, the child want to find out then I might tell the child, but not until the child is an adult.

Personally I would forego any financial payments in lieu of not letting the low life know about the child. IF you go after payments, you will probably have to give up visiting rights etc.

Since the natural father is the scum bucket who helped destroy this marriage he should not benefit from knowing he is a father. IMO he should have no rights whatsoever in this. IF justice would be served, he should be horsewipped.

Home wreckers should have no rights. Part of the problem with this country is that too many criminals and low lifes have way too many rights !

 

[gez722]

Heavenly Father,

Please be with diver, his wife, the baby and the baby’s father and allow them all to feel your peace in the midst of this tragic situation. I will continue to ask you to perform a miracle and someday heal the anger and pain that has come about through this unimaginable act. However, let us always remember that you are the author of life and that it was your will that this child be conceived. Forgive our lack of understanding and help us to trust in you. Please protect all parties involved from despair or sin and keep them close to you.

I ask this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ.

Amen

 

[Brendan]

Diver,

I would highly suggest you check out Retrouvaille

www.retrouvaille.org

 

[otm]

mumto5:

The situation with St. Joseph is irrelevant as Mary did not commit adultery to conceive Jesus. An angel informed him of as much. No comparing.

He doesn’t owe the child a thing. The child’s natural father owes the child everything. I can’t understand the mentality that this child is as much this man’s responsibility as if he was the natural father. This man has no responsibility. The natural father does. The natural father is responsible if this child grows up without a father, not the original poster.

I guess you and I read the Gospels differently, along with the Epistles.

I do not disagree with you that Mary did not commit adultery, but Joseph had nothing more than a vision on which to make his decision. And given the fact that he had not had intercourse with her, he certainly was facing the very real possibility that someone around there could count, look at a bay that is full term, and ask some pretty uncomfortable questions. It is not unreasonable from the reading of the Gospels that they were not considered husband and wife for at least 6 weeks or more after Mary conceived.

But what I really question is your statement that he has no responsibility at all. That is a very interesting view of marriage vows; I don’t recall the Church using vows “until death do us part, unless one of us commits adultery and has a child by another individual”. It would seem part and parcel of what we are called to do - to be Christ for each other, and for one another - that there might be some minimal duty to an innocent child which could give rise to something more than a question of who “owes” the child something. In a perfect world of perfect justice, the biological father would raise this child; but then, in that perfect world, men would not persue “free sex”, wives would not committ adultery, and the OP would be such a stellar husband that no women would act out as his wife did and sleep with another man.

I don’t recall anyone reaching sainthood on the basis of doing only what is “owed” to others, in particular to innocent children. Essentially, you are saying that the child is cursed by his conception; cursed to have no male figure who will raise him. Odds are extremely likely that the biological father had no intention of making a child, no intention of forming a life-long bond with the child’s mother, and is certainly of questionable moral values. If the OP leaves, he abandons the only realistic possiblity in the here and now that this child will have a father.

It seems to me the Gospels call us to something more than the moral equation of weighing who “owes” and who does not. I would suggest that you might read the Psalms, and reflect on the issue of God’s mercy on all of us as sinners; and reflect also on the Gospel story of the individual who was forgiven much, but extracted from those who “owed”. It seems to me the story said something to the effect that he received his reward here…

And while we are at it, Mother Theresa had a reasonably comfortable life before Christ called her to her missionary work; and once she responded, she felt as if whe were cut off from God. She, however, stayed the course, working with orphans and the dying. Wonder what she would counsel as to the issue of “owing”.

 

[Eliza10]

What a sad situation. If she was weak “once”, it could be because of solvable marriage problems, or then, it could be that she IS weak, and will always be.

If you were inclined to be heroic then Hosea wold be a good role model. Its a possibility that your wife could take it all the way and your life could be like Hosea’s. Sticking it out for that would be amazing and surely God would reward you.

I also agree that if you are inclined or not, it would be good to look at that Retrouvaille website and see if you ae inspired by what you see there. Couples have thrived through worse.

But I do think the Priest gave the Church’s wisdom, even though its a hard thing for an idealist to swallow.

I think also its good to remember to remember what the Priest said about this not being the “moral high road”. It is humbling to admit that you frankly are not equipped to do that. And good to aim to grow in grace that in some future crisis you could take that road.

And also, you said,

“…if someone had said to me before i got married “your wife will get pregnant by another man, will you be able to stick it out?”. i would have said no.”

It is very honest to admit that you did not mean your vows, or understand what was expected of you when you made them. Assumming you anull it, if you seek remarraige, you know what it means now - if you marry a girl it means for better or worse, even if she committs adultery and gets pregnant. So I guess it will be a sober day when you are ready to make that vow again.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Eliza10:

It is very honest to admit that you did not mean your vows, or understand what was expected of you when you made them. Assumming you anull it, if you seek remarraige, you know what it means now - if you marry a girl it means for better or worse, even if she committs adultery and gets pregnant. So I guess it will be a sober day when you are ready to make that vow again.

Good points. Tribunals often make stipulations, too. Not every annulment is just a ticket to go date again and possibly remarry. People often have to undergo counseling and complete other directives before they are eligible to marry in the Chuch again.

 

[otm]

Diver_Zero: The best I could counsel you is to take your time. You have the rest of your life to regret decisions made either in haste, or anger, or both.

Please understand I am not faulting your anger or suggesting that it is wrong. It is very real, completely understandable, and I would be seriously concerned either for your sanity or truthfulness, or both, if you were not angry.

Nor am I suggesting your pain is in any way wrong, or illegitimate. Betrayal goes to some of the deepest parts of us.

However, it is my experience that when caught up in the maelstrom that comes from such a betrayal, the decisions that are made are driven by the anger and the pain. And after the anger and the pain subside, one is left with a lifetime to live with the decisions. and most often, that means living with an admixture of regret, guilt, and an inability to say, looking in the mirror at oneself, “I did everything I could; I was the best person I was capable of being at that time.”

You are at a crossroads, where you need to ask yourself what it really means to be a Catholic; to truly follow Christ, to pick up your cross and follow Him. Being Catholic, being Christian, is more than reciting a Creed, more than knowing doctrine, more that doing the minimum of going to Mass on Sunday and trying not to commit any mortal sins. If you really want to explore what it means, go and rent the Passion of Christ and view it, not dispassionatly, as a movie critic, but as someone who was there during His trial and execution. Look at what He sacrificed and endured for your salvation. Let it stew and bubble for awhile. Nothing is going on that requires an immediate decision, other than finding out what impact your current knowledge and the baby’s birth certificate might do to your issue of paternity should you decide to leave.

Right now, in your anger and hurt, you are right; there is no way you can parent this child. However, you can choose to stay angry, you can choose to stay hurt, or you can choose to reflect on the issues differently. It is your choice. It will not come easily. It will not come quickly. But it will come, if you choose.

There is nothing in your situation that demands that you file for divorce now. You can wait 6 months, or a year, or two. What is going to change in the meantime? You already know your wife is pregnant and going to give birth.

Divorce is not going to make things better. It is only going to make them different. No matter what choice you make, there will be some good times and some bad times. But the choice you make is going to impact way more people than you realize, and in ways that you cannot imagine. Don’t make a hasty choice.

 

[Catholic2003]

otm:

There is nothing in your situation that demands that you file for divorce now. You can wait 6 months, or a year, or two. What is going to change in the meantime? You already know your wife is pregnant and going to give birth.

Please check this statement with your lawyer. My understanding is that it is quite possible that your failure to file for divorce within a timely period will be viewed as condoning and accepting your wife’s actions, thereby obligating you to 18 years of child support. Renewing marital relations with your wife may also be seen in this light.

As far as canon law is concerned, your right to divorce your wife because of her adultery is also time-limited in this manner. You must do it, or decide not to do it. You cannot hold it over your wife’s head forever.

You have my prayers in this very difficult time.

 

[mumto5]

otm:

But what I really question is your statement that he has no responsibility at all. That is a very interesting view of marriage vows; I don’t recall the Church using vows “until death do us part, unless one of us commits adultery and has a child by another individual”.

Are you forgetting the ‘forsaking all others’ part?

The male figure that should be in this child’s life is the bio-dad. If this child grows up without a father figure, it is the bio-dad that is responsible for this unfortunate circumstance. He needs to step up to the plate and be DAD.

I think all of us get married with the knowledge that we are agreeing to forsake all others and be faithful to each other. It is to enter into a union where the parties become one - not one with a bit on the side. If one of those partners goes outside the marriage, they have been untrue to their marriage vows and have shown that they are not seriously committed to their marriage. How serious were they when they got married?

I wonder how many would be so accepting and morrally high if it were them in this position?

 

[wcknight]

I think most of the folks who replied, have tried to put themselves in this situtation. However no one really knows for sure how they will truly react until they are really in such a position.

It is an impossible task to make such a choice and feel good about either direction. None of the choices are desirable. However the marriage is not necessarily destroyed. IF one can work through the short term pain and hurt, there can still be love down the road.

It may be true that they will never have the same trusting relationship that they used to have. Cheating destroys that forever. But marriages can survive that and some level of normalcy can be returned to the couple down the road. Short term there undoubtedly will be a lot of pain and anguish on the victim spouse. It will be very hard not to be vindictive and accusatory. Saying sorry, just doesn’t make it go away overnight. It will take years to heal.

Two of my sisters survived cheating spouses, one of my brother in laws even moved out and lived for a while with the mistress (for about a year or two). It takes a lot of time to heal those kinds of wounds. I can’t say I would be able to handle this sort of thing, but I pray if such a situation did occur, I hope our marriage could be reconciled. After 30+ years I know, our marriage is well worth saving.

There is an old saying, what doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger. In my sisters cases, their marriages are stronger now than before the cheating and turmoil. I can’t say they are perfect couples by any stretch, and I doubt the cheaters will ever be trusted again. But there is love again in these marriages.

I really doubt my sisters would have been much happier if they simply told the cheaters it’s all over and went out to find another spouse.

Not all reconciled marriages work out. But with a lot work and prayer by both parties, it is possible.

 

[otm]

Catholic2003:

Please check this statement with your lawyer. My understanding is that it is quite possible that your failure to file for divorce within a timely period will be viewed as condoning and accepting your wife’s actions, thereby obligating you to 18 years of child support. Renewing marital relations with your wife may also be seen in this light.

As far as canon law is concerned, your right to divorce your wife because of her adultery is also time-limited in this manner. You must do it, or decide not to do it. You cannot hold it over your wife’s head forever.

You have my prayers in this very difficult time.

Actually, the presumption in most states is that a child born within a marriage is a child of the marriage, and may be overcome by proof otherwise; the most acceptable proof being genetic testing. And given that most genentic testing is not done (for the safety of the child) until after birth, then the most uncontrovertable evidence is not going to be available until then.

He may wish to try to indicate that the child is not his on the birth certificate, but that may not be possible in the circumstances.

I am not convinced that Canon law has anything to say re: divorce on account of adultry, although in other threads you have been knowledgeable about various Canons; perhaps you were referring to annulment proceedings?

 

[JKirkLVNV]

mosher:

As a child from a broken home I can assert with the fullness of my being that divorce is nto a viable option when children are involved. I only could wish that my parents had been adult enough to stick through the “good times and the bad times” at least for the sake of myself and my little brother. This would be adding an even greater problem to an already serious existing problem.

As a child from a broken home, I can assert with the fullness of my being that divorce is sometimes the only viable option when children are involved. I only could wish that my mother had divorced my abusive and alcoholic father sooner, at least for my sake and both of my little brothers. This would have removed us from a horrible influence that much sooner. Thank God and the Holy Angels that she did divorce him (may he rest in everlasting peace and may the Mercy of Christ surround him) and that we grew up under the influence of my devout and loving grandparents.

I’m not mocking you. I’m gently pointing out that we don’t know the whole story, will never know all the “whole stories,” and thus should not say divorce is not a viable option. Very often it is the only viable option.

 

[Katie1723]

The guy’s wife cheated on him and got pregnant as a result…that’s the bottom line. And unless I am mistaken, he has valid grounds for divorce in the eyes of the church.
Suppose the wife hadn’t gotten pregnant. It’s obvious she didn’t use protection. So now the guy has in essence slept with everyone his wife’s lover slept with and so on and so on.
No, the baby didn’t ask to be conceived. But should this guy have to be responsible when his wife AND her lover weren’t??
Place the responsibility where it belongs…on HER and her baby’s father.
I vote he should ditch her and move on.
~ Kathy ~

 

[otm]

mumto5:

Are you forgetting the ‘forsaking all others’ part?

The male figure that should be in this child’s life is the bio-dad. If this child grows up without a father figure, it is the bio-dad that is responsible for this unfortunate circumstance. He needs to step up to the plate and be DAD.

I think all of us get married with the knowledge that we are agreeing to forsake all others and be faithful to each other. It is to enter into a union where the parties become one - not one with a bit on the side. If one of those partners goes outside the marriage, they have been untrue to their marriage vows and have shown that they are not seriously committed to their marriage. How serious were they when they got married?
I wonder how many would be so accepting and morrally high if it were them in this position?

There are several difficulties, the first of which is that the Church treats the marriage as a sacramental marriage, and it must be proved that it was not a sacramental marriage. And adultery, in and of itself, is not proof that there was a failure of intention at the beginning of marriage; it could as easily be proof that there were unresolved serious difficulties in the marriage which had developed over a period of time.

People often are very serious when the enter marriage, but are under many mistaken presumptions as to what marriage is about. The buggest problem, bar none, is communication, and failure to communicate is most often the source of other marital problems.

so the fact that she went outside the marriage vows may show any number of things, only one of which is an initial lack of seriousness about vows. Adultery is often a symptom of another problem, and often results from the failure to confront and solve that problem.

 

[JKirkLVNV]

To the original poster: I have absolutely no advice to give you (not having ever carried this particular burden, I don’t know how to advise you, though I will say that Vern has suggested the highest and most noble way) except for this: you have to forgive her. You may stay with her, you may leave her, you may raise the child as your own or not, but whatever the final outcome, you must forgive her. Forgiveness is not a feeling, though you may well eventually feel forgiving toward her. Forgiveness is an act of the will. You will have to, at some point, will to forgive her, for the sake of your own soul. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I pray you will be guided by Our Lord’s Wisdom and Compassion and that He will comfort you.

 

[Catholic2003]

otm:

Actually, the presumption in most states is that a child born within a marriage is a child of the marriage, and may be overcome by proof otherwise; the most acceptable proof being genetic testing. And given that most genentic testing is not done (for the safety of the child) until after birth, then the most uncontrovertable evidence is not going to be available until then.

He may wish to try to indicate that the child is not his on the birth certificate, but that may not be possible in the circumstances.

Here is a webpage that describes what I was worried about.

otm:

I am not convinced that Canon law has anything to say re: divorce on account of adultry, although in other threads you have been knowledgeable about various Canons; perhaps you were referring to annulment proceedings?

No, I’m talking about perpetual separation due to adultery as covered in canon 1152. Section §2 covers tacit condonation via resumed marital relations or failure to take action within six months. There was a lengthy thread about the canons regarding separation here.

 

[justice]

I really feel your pain. I am going thru a situation now with my
husband. I don’t think he actually slept with with the woman, but if
you truly follow the Catholic way, he did commit adultry. He broke
the 9th commandment and to me, that’s just as bad. If you even
have thoughts of someone else in the wrong way, you are still
committing adultry. We just don’t have to worry about children, we
are both in our 50’s. I do think the child probably needs to be put
for adoption. There are a lot of young Catholic couples out there
who can’t have children, but would love to have a family. That to me would be a true gift of love. Whatever you decide, you will have
to live with it the rest of your life. Keep on praying about it and I
will pray for you also. God Bless you in whatever you decide.

 

[tcay584]

Diver_Zero:

thank you for your many thoughts and ideas, and kind words. i have spoken to several people about this, including my old headmaster at my catholic high school.

i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process. my old teacher has told me that the church cannot force, or even suggest that someone to raise a child that is not theirs against their will, and that decision must be theirs alone. like adoption, one cannot command a person adopt a child.

her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows.

my unwillingness to be “open to new life” in every aspect indicates i was not fully aware of, and ready to accept marriage. i was advised that if i chose, i could ask for an anullment based on these and other facts.

the child is not my responsibility, it is hers and the other man’s. my boss has offered to let 2 company attorneys represent me, and make positively sure that i am not help liable for any child support. at my request, they are also going to seek that a guardian ad litum be appointed for the child, so that paternity can be established, and support from the other guy enforced.

Father said while it is not the morally “high road”, it isnt sinful to seek an anullment based on my situation. if someone had said to me before i got married “your wife will get pregnant by another man, will you be able to stick it out?”. i would have said no.

So sorry for your situation, Diver. It seems you’ve taken the time to think and pray over this. I understand your point of view.
I can’t believe how many people here are saying “This happens all the time” “I’ve seen many marriages where this happens”, as if you should just accept this sort of behaviour.
I don’t think you’re angry at the baby, as some have suggested. It’s unfortunate that your wife has chosen, yes chosen, to do this to you and that innocent child. This was her decision and she will have to deal with the consequences. Just too bad a baby has to pay for the sins of the mother.

 

[Vincent1560]

mosher:

Divorce is never a valid option.

Even if someone commits violence against their wife? What if they refuse to stop committing adultrey (which not only dishonors the other spouse but jepordizes their health with STDS)? Cases of abandonment? I agree divorce should only be considered in very grave circumstances but these circumstances do exist. I know of husbands who beat their wives regularly and have heard stories of ones who threaten them with death. I sincerely doubt Christ would consider divorce a sin in such circumstances. Furthermore as for the OP. If he can’t find it within himself to love the child it is better he is honest with himself about that now, rather than raise the child in bitterness and hate.

 

[Vincent1560]

Diver_Zero:

thank you for your many thoughts and ideas, and kind words. i have spoken to several people about this, including my old headmaster at my catholic high school.

i just cannot raise a child that is some other man’s. i am going to file for civil divorce and then start the anulmment process. my old teacher has told me that the church cannot force, or even suggest that someone to raise a child that is not theirs against their will, and that decision must be theirs alone. like adoption, one cannot command a person adopt a child.

her repeated unfaithfulness over 2 weeks, her hiding the fact another man was the father, and not comprimising, demonstrates her unwillingness and inablity to keep her marital vows.

my unwillingness to be “open to new life” in every aspect indicates i was not fully aware of, and ready to accept marriage. i was advised that if i chose, i could ask for an anullment based on these and other facts.

the child is not my responsibility, it is hers and the other man’s. my boss has offered to let 2 company attorneys represent me, and make positively sure that i am not help liable for any child support. at my request, they are also going to seek that a guardian ad litum be appointed for the child, so that paternity can be established, and support from the other guy enforced.

Father said while it is not the morally “high road”, it isnt sinful to seek an anullment based on my situation. if someone had said to me before i got married “your wife will get pregnant by another man, will you be able to stick it out?”. i would have said no.

God Bless. I understand what a horrific situation adultrey is. My dad did it to my mom and she was in a depression for 10 years, the first 3 she barely left her room (they divorced). Some people God gives the ability to move on past adultrey and to others he doesn’t which (in my view) is why it is listed in the bible as grounds for divorce. I think some of the other posters need to understand that for many people adultrey is as damaging or more so than physical abuse and can have more severe and longer lasting consequences. I will pray for you.