Wife who goes offensive then defensive

[happyseppy]

Johnny,

Firstly, God Bless your young marriage!

One very wise phrase about marriage that I have picked up along the way is this;

“Would you rather be right, or Love?”

It is a principle about giving ourselves in marriage, and can have a wide range of application. It can often put a different perspective on a given situation.

Peace,

Kelly

 

[JRKH]

some great advise!

Haven’t read all the posts so maybe this has already been mentioned, but one other thing to consider is “Monthlies”. Female mood swings could be tied to her menstrual cycle and these can be pretty bad.

Something that can work well in these kinds of circumstances is Journaling. I know because I’ve done it.

If you and your wife keep getting into these defensive arguments that get nowhere, try getting a couple of spiral notebooks. These are for writing down feelings, thoughts etc.
When you find yourself mulling over the arguments etc you can write your thoughts in the journal. Your wife can do the same thing.
The journals allow you both the opportunity to express yourselves clearly and calmly.
You are able to openly critique yourself as well.
As you write things you can make sure they come out right. Often times in arguments we don’t say things the way we really mean them.

We had two rules for this.

1. Each spouse is allowed to read the others journal
2. What is written by one is not to be debated or used by the other in an argument.

We would generally read the others Journal about once a month. We never “sat down and reviewed each others”. I mean there was no schedule or anything - just whenever I had a chance I’d look at hers and she would do the same with mine. It was pretty amazing for both of us to see what the other wrote.

Just a suggestion from one who has been there.

James

 

[chevalier]

I don’t think another person can determine the magnitude of how someone else is feeling, phsyically or emotionally. He can surmise, but I think the only person who can determine if that is the reason, is his wife, actually.

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but if someone is in a state in which hormones cloud rational thinking, that person is hardly able to determine his own state and therefore can’t rule out the possibility of hormonal upheaval.

 

[whatevergirl]

Sorry to be a wet blanket, but if someone is in a state in which hormones cloud rational thinking, that person is hardly able to determine his own state and therefore can’t rule out the possibility of hormonal upheaval.

I am not ruling it out. I have been there myself, and have had it affect my thinking…believe me. But, it’s used too much as an excuse for why a woman is angry, or upset with her bf or husband, and often times men dismiss the feelings of a woman, righting off too quickly that it couldn’t be them causing the issue…or a situation in the marriage that truly needs ironing out. That being said though–considering the title of this thread being…wife who goes offensive then defensive, could lead someone to see a mood swing pattern there. Again, not ruling it out–just think it’s an excuse that is abused by too many men out there. Of course, none on here.

 

[johnnyjohnjohn]

Well I should have explained more about the deal with the purchase. We had just agreed to buy a large purchase someone in the community and we were discussing at a family get together and she told me that we were talking too long about it after we only talked about it for the two minutes. I mean it’s frustrating because it’s like this all the time. I feel like she looks at the situation rather than what’s in the situation and if it doesn’t go to her likings she either gets upset and cries or lets me know about it which gets me upset because I feel like a dog on a leash. I’ve talked to her about it, but it just doesn’t seem to work.

 

[TMC]

I am a low emotion guy married to a high emotion woman. So I feel you. I give no guarantees that what I have found helpful will help you, and I am certainly no professional. But there are a couple basic rules I have picked up in my own marriage.

First, you need to face the fact that she is probably right. No, don’t protest, you might be right, but I doubt it. I’m guessing a lot of your arguments really revolve around how she feels about something and she is gonna always be right about that.

Second, being factually correct is not as important as being emotionally square. Unless you are arguing about a life changing issue - buying a house, family planning, etc., how each of you feel about it is going to matter more to your future happiness and well-being than anything else. Most women know this intuitively. Men figure it out only after much pain. Learn early. How you feel is also important, of course, but if you start by trying to understand and respect her feelings, she’ll come around on respecting yours.

Third, you can let her win on the emotion, and come back to the facts later. If she is venting that you don’t care if the living room looks lousy and her Mom is coming next week, let that go. Later sit down with her and say, I think you have a good point. Let’s go over the finances and see if buying that couch is something we can do. If you are really right, she’ll see it and be glad you respected her opinion.

Fourth, create rules about recurrent problems when both of you are calm. If how long to stay at parties is an issue - make a rule. If controlling conversation topics is an issue - make a rule. If buying things for the house is an issue - make a rule. Its easier to stick with the rules when emotions are high, then to win an argument in the heat of it.

Fifth, I don’t know how you have discussed your feelings with her, but many people make the mistake of discussing their feeling by pointing to the other persons actions. Don’t say - you make me feel powerless. Say, sometimes I feel out of control, and that makes me uncomfortable. Avoid blaming her, and don’t let her blame you. Put it all on the table and see if there aren’t ways to make both of you feel better.

Finally, and perhaps most important, do NOT fight fire with fire. My wife tells me it drives her beserk that I remain calm, smiling, and polite when she is going off on me. But I know from experience that if I yell back it will just get ugly and no one will win.

Hang in there, its worth it. When it gets really bad take a deep breath and say to yourself “I love this woman.” Then tell her.

Good luck.

 

[whatevergirl]

I am a low emotion guy married to a high emotion woman. So I feel you. I give no guarantees that what I have found helpful will help you, and I am certainly no professional. But there are a couple basic rules I have picked up in my own marriage.

First, you need to face the fact that she is probably right. No, don’t protest, you might be right, but I doubt it. I’m guessing a lot of your arguments really revolve around how she feels about something and she is gonna always be right about that.

Second, being factually correct is not as important as being emotionally square. Unless you are arguing about a life changing issue - buying a house, family planning, etc., how each of you feel about it is going to matter more to your future happiness and well-being than anything else. Most women know this intuitively. Men figure it out only after much pain. Learn early. How you feel is also important, of course, but if you start by trying to understand and respect her feelings, she’ll come around on respecting yours.

Third, you can let her win on the emotion, and come back to the facts later. If she is venting that you don’t care if the living room looks lousy and her Mom is coming next week, let that go. Later sit down with her and say, I think you have a good point. Let’s go over the finances and see if buying that couch is something we can do. If you are really right, she’ll see it and be glad you respected her opinion.

Fourth, create rules about recurrent problems when both of you are calm. If how long to stay at parties is an issue - make a rule. If controlling conversation topics is an issue - make a rule. If buying things for the house is an issue - make a rule. Its easier to stick with the rules when emotions are high, then to win an argument in the heat of it.

Fifth, I don’t know how you have discussed your feelings with her, but many people make the mistake of discussing their feeling by pointing to the other persons actions. Don’t say - you make me feel powerless. Say, sometimes I feel out of control, and that makes me uncomfortable. Avoid blaming her, and don’t let her blame you. Put it all on the table and see if there aren’t ways to make both of you feel better.

Finally, and perhaps most important, do NOT fight fire with fire. My wife tells me it drives her beserk that I remain calm, smiling, and polite when she is going off on me. But I know from experience that if I yell back it will just get ugly and no one will win.

Hang in there, its worth it. When it gets really bad take a deep breath and say to yourself “I love this woman.” Then tell her.

Good luck.

I like your post…very much. I don’t know about letting things go to just appease another…I think that could create resentment in the OP down the road, but I understand your post. I am married to a very low emotion man…he raises his voice at the kids, and rants and raves while watching a football game…but I mean, low emotion, as he tends to have a relaxed way of looking at life. I can sometimes be that way–but I’m a little more passionate about things…emotional at times. I sometimes feel, from a woman’s view, that my husband’s lack of emotion is synonymous with apathy. (he doesn’t care what I feel or what I’m saying) I think more arguments have revolved around my thinking this, by his lack of emotion, than the arguments really be about an issue. I am now in my 30’s, and realize this…but, I still wish my husband would be more emotional.

To the OP–I agree–hang in there…but your wife could really feel that way, more than anything else. (that you don’t care, simply because your reaction to something isn’t the same as hers)

 

[TMC]

To the OP–I agree–hang in there…but your wife could really feel that way, more than anything else. (that you don’t care, simply because your reaction to something isn’t the same as hers)

Great point. Took my wife a long time to believe that I ‘cared’ about things but just disagreed with her.

 

[whatevergirl]

Great point. Took my wife a long time to believe that I ‘cared’ about things but just disagreed with her.

LOL

My husband says that he cares very much, but he tends to analyze a situation differently than me. He tells me that I jump right away to thinking a situation hopeless, or whatever…where he tends to think past the point of where something is TODAY, and knowing that the thing we are concerned with, will get better. I said…are you psychic? Is that why you don’t show emotions? LOL

I don’t want my husband to walk around crying, but more emotion would be good.

 

[chevalier]

I am not ruling it out. I have been there myself, and have had it affect my thinking…believe me. But, it’s used too much as an excuse for why a woman is angry, or upset with her bf or husband, and often times men dismiss the feelings of a woman, righting off too quickly that it couldn’t be them causing the issue…or a situation in the marriage that truly needs ironing out. That being said though–considering the title of this thread being…wife who goes offensive then defensive, could lead someone to see a mood swing pattern there. Again, not ruling it out–just think it’s an excuse that is abused by too many men out there. Of course, none on here.

I meant it just theoretically. In some circumstances, a proper verdict on the state of one’s mind by the owner is impossible. If someone lacks clarity, he may well lack the ability to see how he lacks it. His verdict about himself is therefore unreliable. It’s like asking a person who’s been drinking if he is drunk and how much so. This was just an answer to the idea that a person with hormonal upheaval is the only one able to determine his own state.

And yeah, I agree, there’s a lot of blaming all problems on PMS by men. Probably a part of the reason is that men don’t really always know which days are those days, they aren’t sure the effects apply only on those special days, either, and I suppose many have the nagging suspicion that in some specimens, a degree of the effect is permanent. The reality is that men too have problems pulling themselves together sometimes, but they don’t associate it with anything hormonal and they generally miss it completely. With women, they notice everything and blame it on hormones (either in the sense of PMS or feminity in general).

 

[whatevergirl]

I meant it just theoretically. In some circumstances, a proper verdict on the state of one’s mind by the owner is impossible. If someone lacks clarity, he may well lack the ability to see how he lacks it. His verdict about himself is therefore unreliable. It’s like asking a person who’s been drinking if he is drunk and how much so. This was just an answer to the idea that a person with hormonal upheaval is the only one able to determine his own state.

And yeah, I agree, there’s a lot of blaming all problems on PMS by men. Probably a part of the reason is that men don’t really always know which days are those days, they aren’t sure the effects apply only on those special days, either, and I suppose many have the nagging suspicion that in some specimens, a degree of the effect is permanent. The reality is that men too have problems pulling themselves together sometimes, but they don’t associate it with anything hormonal and they generally miss it completely. With women, they notice everything and blame it on hormones (either in the sense of PMS or feminity in general).

Yes, that makes good sense to me…I have come to the conclusion to literally announce …‘Honey, I’m not in a great mood…we all know why…let’s come back to this in a few days.’ It has helped us immensely…

 

[BioCatholic]

She might mature some what but she’ll probably never get over this way of relating to you. In other words, logical facts to back up your position aren’t going to win most arguments for you.

If you just want peace then apologize for whatever action led her feel the way she feels (even if you think you you’ve been unjustly accused.)

This is a first class ticket to becoming a doormat. The best way to deal with a highly emotional woman is one that you would deal with an aggressive dog. COMPLETELY IGNORE their unruly behavior. She will continue to do it if it elicits a response. Don’t let them get a dignified response from you. It’s one thing if she cries because she is really upset. When she whines and cries for no good reason, or to get attention or a response from you, do not respond at all.

Someone has to maintain a logical perspective, and you should try and do it. Don’t let illogical outbursts take the focus off the real issues. If you maintain a completely logical and calm approach and take her behavior with a grain of salt, things will be better for at least yourself.

If you stay logical, you don’t get upset, although it might make her angrier. So what? I lived with a completely insane, borderline schizophrenic, and managed to deal with her for a number of years. DO NOT validate her unruly behavior.

Just remember to be prepared to duck in cases of extreme emotional outbursts. It will save you many stitches…

 

[Just_wondering]

I just had to add my two cents on the PMS issue.

Yes, it is entirely possible that hormones are causing her to be frustrated and upset when discussing something that seems completely innocuous to the OP. I know very few women who are immune to hormonal influences.

However, although hormones can affect HOW a woman gets upset, in my case I find they never affect WHY I’m upset. Issues that make me cry when I’m hormonal are also issues that bother me when I’m more emotionally balanced. So although the OP is justified in thinking that crying is overreaction, he shouldn’t dismiss her opinions based on that.

I can understand your frustration, Johnny. I would follow the advice that JRKH offered, and start a journal. It’s much easier to be reasonable on paper, and you have more time to adjust your reactions. If writing isn’t your style, I’d say ask your wife when a good time would be to finish the conversation.

Good luck!

 

[TMC]

I just had to add my two cents on the PMS issue.

Yes, it is entirely possible that hormones are causing her to be frustrated and upset when discussing something that seems completely innocuous to the OP. I know very few women who are immune to hormonal influences.

However, although hormones can affect HOW a woman gets upset, in my case I find they never affect WHY I’m upset. Issues that make me cry when I’m hormonal are also issues that bother me when I’m more emotionally balanced. So although the OP is justified in thinking that crying is overreaction, he shouldn’t dismiss her opinions based on that.

I can understand your frustration, Johnny. I would follow the advice that JRKH offered, and start a journal. It’s much easier to be reasonable on paper, and you have more time to adjust your reactions. If writing isn’t your style, I’d say ask your wife when a good time would be to finish the conversation.

Good luck!

If you really think that extreme mood swings during PMS is a problem, gently and carefully suggest she bring this up with her OB/GYN. I am not a doctor, and am not giving medical advice here, but I have been told that serotonin re-uptake inhibators work wonders on this very real medical problem.