Wife with Vaginismus / Unconsummated Marriage

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pianistclare said:
Also, you do know that being sexual with your wife doesn’t only mean vaginal sex.
Many people who are very ill still manage to connect intimately with their spouse.
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Given the requirements of Catholicism as to how the sex act must be completed, I don’t see how this would do anything but add to his frustration.
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
If you have never had sex with your wife, I’m not sure how you could diagnose vaginismus. Usually this is discovered when the woman has a lot of pain during penetration. If you’ve never reached this point, how would you know? Has she complained of pain during pelvic exams (assuming she has had one in the past)? Does she use tampons? A woman with vaginismus would likely find those painful as well.

Your situation is terrible, and you have my sympathy. Physical problems need to be ruled out, but I would imagine sex therapy for the both of you is more important. If your wife refuses treatment, I think this would be one of those few cases where an annulment is warranted. You will have to decide if you can handle this situation for the rest of your life.

A few other thoughts -
  1. Your wife may simply be asexual. I’m assuming you talked about sex before getting married, what did she say? Is she a virgin as well?
  2. There may be sexual abuse of some sort in her past.
You have two options - accept the situation as it is, focus on the good qualities in your marriage, and never bring it up again. OR, it’s ultimatum time - we (emphasis on we) get help for this, or I’m leaving. Good luck to you.
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Thanks.

True, she has never been diagnosed with vaginismus and I am not a doctor. But, trying to seek information online this was my conclusion. To answer your questions:
  • she has never had a pelvic exam
  • she has never been able to use tampons
  • it’s been too painful for her to get anywhere near penetration
  • we did speak about sex before we got married and she did hint that there may be some difficulty but I didn’t realise that it could be so long term
  • yes, she is a virgin too
  • she tells me there was no abuse in the past
In the past, I have thought that I need to make a decision whether to stay or leave. I don’t want to leave so I guess I’ve made my decision. However, I guess I’m still thinking about it and that’s why I made my original post. I think too that I expected those teenage urges to go away as I got older but that hasn’t happened at all. And, it’s not easy when there is so much talk of sex in the general media. Sometimes I fell like the only person in the world in my situation. Of course I know that is not true!

Again, I’d like to thank everybody who has posted responses and to those who have said a prayer for us. I really do appreciate it.
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
If you have never had sex with your wife, I’m not sure how you could diagnose vaginismus. Usually this is discovered when the woman has a lot of pain during penetration. If you’ve never reached this point, how would you know? Has she complained of pain during pelvic exams (assuming she has had one in the past)? Does she use tampons? A woman with vaginismus would likely find those painful as well.

Your situation is terrible, and you have my sympathy. Physical problems need to be ruled out, but I would imagine sex therapy for the both of you is more important. If your wife refuses treatment, I think this would be one of those few cases where an annulment is warranted. You will have to decide if you can handle this situation for the rest of your life.

A few other thoughts -
  1. Your wife may simply be asexual. I’m assuming you talked about sex before getting married, what did she say? Is she a virgin as well?
  2. There may be sexual abuse of some sort in her past.
You have two options - accept the situation as it is, focus on the good qualities in your marriage, and never bring it up again. OR, it’s ultimatum time - we (emphasis on we) get help for this, or I’m leaving. Good luck to you.
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At a guess, and it’s really none of our business, the OP and his wife may have tried to have sex but found it to be impossible/too agonizing for his wife. This is not an uncommon scenario among women who have waited until marriage and then discovered they had this condition.
 
Ocidge said:
Thanks.

True, she has never been diagnosed with vaginismus and I am not a doctor. But, trying to seek information online this was my conclusion. To answer your questions:
  • she has never had a pelvic exam
  • she has never been able to use tampons
  • it’s been too painful for her to get anywhere near penetration
  • we did speak about sex before we got married and she did hint that there may be some difficulty but I didn’t realise that it could be so long term
  • yes, she is a virgin too
  • she tells me there was no abuse in the past
In the past, I have thought that I need to make a decision whether to stay or leave. I don’t want to leave so I guess I’ve made my decision. However, I guess I’m still thinking about it and that’s why I made my original post. I think too that I expected those teenage urges to go away as I got older but that hasn’t happened at all. And, it’s not easy when there is so much talk of sex in the general media. Sometimes I fell like the only person in the world in my situation. Of course I know that is not true!

Again, I’d like to thank everybody who has posted responses and to those who have said a prayer for us. I really do appreciate it.
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Such a sad situation for you both. It sounds as if, along with the pain, this may have caused some psychological disturbances for your wife since you state that she has no desire to seek further medical advice or treatment. I can totally understand her reluctance to subject herself to something painful, but she really needs a thorough OB/GYN exam by a specialist. There could be any number of factors contributing to her pain (tumor, cyst, hymen, etc.). It could be detrimental to her health if these are not explored. Maybe there is something diagnostic that can be done that doesn’t require an invasive pelvic exam such an ultrosound, etc. or maybe she could receive a temporary spinal block…I mean, who knows unless you try 🤷

I think it is imperative that you rule out any significant health conditions causing her this pain.
 
Ocidge said:
Thanks.

True, she has never been diagnosed with vaginismus and I am not a doctor. But, trying to seek information online this was my conclusion. To answer your questions:
  • she has never had a pelvic exam
  • she has never been able to use tampons
  • it’s been too painful for her to get anywhere near penetration
  • we did speak about sex before we got married and she did hint that there may be some difficulty but I didn’t realise that it could be so long term
  • yes, she is a virgin too
  • she tells me there was no abuse in the past
All the conditions seem to be reunited for getting a declaration of nullity of the marriage and even, may be for getting the decision of dissolution coming from the Pope for a lack of consummation.

In the past, I have thought that I need to make a decision whether to stay or leave. I don’t want to leave so I guess I’ve made my decision. However, I guess I’m still thinking about it and that’s why I made my original post. I think too that I expected those teenage urges to go away as I got older but that hasn’t happened at all. And, it’s not easy when there is so much talk of sex in the general media. Sometimes I fell like the only person in the world in my situation. Of course I know that is not true!

Again, I’d like to thank everybody who has posted responses and to those who have said a prayer for us. I really do appreciate it.
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Some questions for helping you, no need to answer, of course

Does she know her moral duties and her moral obligations toward you concerning the conjugal act? The primary obligations, the secondary obligations and the incidental obligations in your favor about the conjugal sex?* Is she honest with you? Is she sincere with you?* Does she wish to try to cure her own sexual issues, really? Does she agree with the fact of making a etiological search, deeply and truly, without taboo, for understanding all the reasons and to take treatments?

She has to visit a catholic psychologist, a catholic psychoanalyst, a catholic psychiatrist, a catholic sexologist, a catholic midwife, a catholic general physician, a catholic obstetrician and gynecologist, a catholic philosopher, a catholic theologian, a catholic ethicist for finding out the causes and factors (the mental, physical and psychological issues, the religious and spiritual issues, the physical and physiological issues, the affective and sensible issues, the intellectual and educational issues, the moral issues). Her catholic moral obligations toward you and her marriage are very essential and so important.

If your sexual concupiscence is very strong, it is so strange of staying in this conjugal situation, while you can get this nullity and you can have a new marriage.
 
Ocidge said:
Thanks.

True, she has never been diagnosed with vaginismus and I am not a doctor. But, trying to seek information online this was my conclusion. To answer your questions:
  • she has never had a pelvic exam
  • she has never been able to use tampons
  • it’s been too painful for her to get anywhere near penetration
  • we did speak about sex before we got married and she did hint that there may be some difficulty but I didn’t realise that it could be so long term
  • yes, she is a virgin too
  • she tells me there was no abuse in the past
In the past, I have thought that I need to make a decision whether to stay or leave. I don’t want to leave so I guess I’ve made my decision. However, I guess I’m still thinking about it and that’s why I made my original post. I think too that I expected those teenage urges to go away as I got older but that hasn’t happened at all. And, it’s not easy when there is so much talk of sex in the general media. Sometimes I fell like the only person in the world in my situation. Of course I know that is not true!

Again, I’d like to thank everybody who has posted responses and to those who have said a prayer for us. I really do appreciate it.
Click to expand...
You need to think about:

mental, psychical and psychological issues;
religious and spiritual issues;
organic, physical and physiological issues;
effective and sensitive (sensible) issues;
intellectual and educational issues;
moral issues;
cultural issues;
erotic issues and sensual issues;
the modus operandi of the conjugal act;

During your marriage, how many attempts of union of bodies coming from you? Are you normal? How many attempts of union of bodies coming from her? Is she normal? The question of the modus operandi of the marital act? Do you agree with a lot of sexual foreplay? Does she agree with a lot of sexual foreplay?
 
“Wives, submit unto your husbands”. Your wife did you a great dishonor. “The marriage bed goes undefiled”. If she thinks her refusal to consummate is somehow “holy”, she is absolutely wrong. I took a personal vow not to have sexual unions. Therefore, I didn’t marry. I’m not a priest or a religious. Just a single catholic layman.
If she desired a life of chastity, then she betrayed her marriage and you personally.
You were righteous by waiting until the vow. That is quite rare these days.
Your patience is heroic.
Take the priest’s advice. Your wife can support herself or join an order and live the life she has chosen. I have nothing but sympathy for your condition. Your post took a lot of courage. May the Lord deliver you…and your wife.
 
rcmartinez said:
“Wives, submit unto your husbands”. Your wife did you a great dishonor. “The marriage bed goes undefiled”. If she thinks her refusal to consummate is somehow “holy”, she is absolutely wrong. I took a personal vow not to have sexual unions. Therefore, I didn’t marry. I’m not a priest or a religious. Just a single catholic layman.
If she desired a life of chastity, then she betrayed her marriage and you personally.
You were righteous by waiting until the vow. That is quite rare these days.
Your patience is heroic.
Take the priest’s advice. Your wife can support herself or join an order and live the life she has chosen. I have nothing but sympathy for your condition. Your post took a lot of courage. May the Lord deliver you…and your wife.
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It seems very much that you are reading into the situation. Desiring to avoid pain (and with vaginismus this can be quite severe) is not the same as freely choosing to enter into a marriage with no intention of consumation. We have no way of knowing what the couple may or may not have tried; it seems like the wife entered into the marriage with the intention of fulfilling her marital vows and simply found the whole experience too painful. There’s no reason to believe she wants in the abstract to remain a virgin.

I’d say the first step is to have a serious chat with a marriage counselor. It sounds like the OP really does want to save this marriage. There’s a good chance this is treatable, although nothing can be guaranteed. It also sounds like she may be afraid of treatment (which I understand - even without that many women find pelvic exams extremely painful).
 
fpt said:
You need to think about:

mental, psychical and psychological issues;
religious and spiritual issues;
organic, physical and physiological issues;
affective and sensitive (sensible) issues;
intellectual and educational issues;
moral issues;
cultural issues;
erotic issues and sensual issues;
the modus operandi of the conjugal act;

During your marriage, how many attempts of union of bodies coming from you? Are you normal? How many attempts of union of bodies coming from her? Is she normal? The question of the modus operandi of the marital act? Do you agree with a lot of sexual foreplay? Does she agree with a lot of sexual foreplay?
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Before the wedding, a level of evaluation of the sex drive, of the libido and of some physical troubles in link with the intimate parts of body is possible, in the reasonable way, even for some virgins persons. 8 years, how many treatments, how many real attempts, how many sexual foreplay without taboo, how many conjugal talks, how many real attempts of sexual sacrifices, for realizing the union of bodies and how many visits with specialists…etc???
 
After one year, a normal wife, who loves her husband, takes the things in her hands in order to try find out normal solutions. Is she angelic? Is she immaterial? Is she mature, sexually ? Is she selfish? Is she sincere? Does she agree with the fact of showing, like with a medical doctor, her sexual problems to her husband?

The preparation of marriage is very essential: the great talks between fiancé and fiancée about the conjugal sex and on the sexual health before the wedding is very important.
 
fpt said:
After one year, a normal wife, who loves her husband, takes the things in her hands in order to try find out normal solutions. Is she angelic? Is she immaterial? Is she mature, sexually ? Is she selfish? Is she sincere? Does she agree with the fact of showing, like with a medical doctor, her sexual problems to her husband?

The preparation of marriage is very essential: the great talks between fiancé and fiancée about the conjugal sex and on the sexual health before the wedding*** are*** very important.
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Pray Jesus, Mary and saint Joseph. Our Lady of Lourdes is so powerful for solving the medical issues.
 
I had this exact problem when I first got married and I cured it in three months with vaginal dilators. Go to vaginismus.com and get the vaginal dilators. They will cure the problem. You don’t need all these conselors and spiritual directors. Its completely treatable. Your priest is ignorant and I am really appalled he would suggest divorce.
 
sdeco said:
I had this exact problem when I first got married and I cured it in three months with vaginal dilators. Go to vaginismus.com and get the vaginal dilators. They will cure the problem. You don’t need all these conselors and spiritual directors. Its completely treatable. Your priest is ignorant and I am really appalled he would suggest divorce.
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Don’t do this without talking to a doctor.

It is treatable, but there are multiple possible causes, and there’s a possibility of this making it worse.
 
I should first say that I am sorry for your state of things, OP. Being temporarily abstinent in marriage is tough enough, without having to be concerned that you may remain that way forever. Don’t give up hope. Seek medical treatment.

I do have a question. Does your wife want to have kids too? I am positive I don’t know enough about the situation, but would she ever consider having intercourse (maybe even just once) during a fertile time (however painful it may be) to have a child?

I don’t think it’s fair if she is withholding the marital act from you without seeking to resolve the situation (even if she is afraid of sex, as the case may be).

Good luck, and keep us posted as to your progress.
 
8 years without an effective sexual consummation!!! What type of husband, is he? A normal husband? What type of wife, is she? A normal wife? Their respective behaviours about the conjugal sex seem to be me very strange, in my humble opinion, not in the regular norm. Her and him have probably some strange libidos and co!!!

For me, this situation is like between Louis the XVI (the king) th and Marie Antoinette (the queen). The issues and the reasons were multiple. Many factors coming from two members of the couple, *in the materiality and in the immateriality. *

An adage: " If you want really, you can". Of course, there are some exceptions.
 
Corrections:
fpt said:
8 years without an effective sexual consummation!!! What type of husband, is he? A normal husband? What type of wife, is she? A normal wife? Their respective behaviours about the conjugal sex seem to be very strange, in my humble opinion, not in the regular norm. Her and him have probably some strange libidos and co!!!

For me, this situation is like between Louis the XVI (the king) and Marie Antoinette (the queen). The issues and the reasons were multiple. Many factors coming from two members of the couple, *in the materiality and in the immateriality. *

An adage: " If you want really, you can". Of course, there are some exceptions.
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In my humble opinion, it would be very helpful, for him and her, to consult many catholic specialists. His manner of seeing the things and her manner to act can appear as totally abnormal. Some “mental electrochocs” and some “others” will be essential for solving the situation.
 
This doesn’t sound like a marriage to me. The lady won’t even consult another professional to see what can be done? Vaginismus, vulvodynia, and other sexual dysfunctions can be treated. Sounds like she’s perfectly happy with the way things are. You should not be ashamed of wanting to have sex; you need not deprecate yourself by comparing your feelings to teenage lust.

I wouldn’t count on your being able to affect this woman, if she’s unwilling to work on this problem. If you stay with the lady, don’t fornicate; don’t indulge sexual thoughts; don’t turn to pornography or lust after another. If you want to be married to someone, though, go do it.
 
Disclaimer: This is only my speculation; I cannot know another’s true motives.

I have a suspicion here that your wife may have a fear of pregnancy/having children or may simply not want children.

There may be deep-seated psychological reasons that she may be even unaware of.

And, in her mind, avoiding physical intimacy is a sure-fire and legit way to accomplish this.
 
DarkLight said:
It seems very much that you are reading into the situation. Desiring to avoid pain (and with vaginismus this can be quite severe) is not the same as freely choosing to enter into a marriage with no intention of consumation. We have no way of knowing what the couple may or may not have tried; it seems like the wife entered into the marriage with the intention of fulfilling her marital vows and simply found the whole experience too painful. There’s no reason to believe she wants in the abstract to remain a virgin.

I’d say the first step is to have a serious chat with a marriage counselor. It sounds like the OP really does want to save this marriage. There’s a good chance this is treatable, although nothing can be guaranteed. It also sounds like she may be afraid of treatment (which I understand - even without that many women find pelvic exams extremely painful).
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She went to a doctor just once. Didn’t bother with a 2nd opinion or even deeper therapy. All the attention and pity is going to the “wife” while the husband is abandoned to just suffer, think about going to a prostitute or blame himself for desiring God’s gift of marital sex. I’m certain the priest he spoke to, in confidence, was given a more detailed account of husbands issue, and the priest suggested an annulment. I have no reason to doubt that the priest discerned a serious wrong being done to the husband for such a drastic solution.
This problem is not at all new and was addressed by Paul and Peter in their epistles. Last time I checked the church was still “apostolic”. I quote again, “wives submit unto your husbands”. Reality tends to trump all errant idealism. Pax Dominus Vobiscum
 
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