Wife's Affair I'm Lost

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TheBenMan

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Hi CAF,
I’m Ben and I’m new here. I needed some place to come to look for advice about my wife’s affair. I got suspicious when her and her friend (a female) were spending lots of time together and she would often cancel our Friday evening plans for a "girls night out’ and leave the kids and me at home. We have a son (17) and daughter (15). I kindly explained to her many times it was unfair to the kids but I always got a lecture on how important “girls night” is. Yeah, well now I know why it was so important. Her and her friend were having sexual relations!! Being a tech guy I monitored her internet traffic on our home network because I suspected something was up but never this. Her emails to her friend were explicit and she posted lots of comments to blogs about her activities. I confronted her about it and she went to pieces. She said she was sorry she lied and that she was very satisfied with our sex life (a lie?) but being with a woman was different and something I couldn’t give her. I was at a total loss for words! What does that mean?

I reminded her of the Church’s teaching on the matter let alone the fact she committed ADULTERY! She said she understood but that it didn’t feel wrong to her and part of who she is. She never said she was bisexual when we got married and we were on the same page of “there is no such thing as gay marriage.” I’m completely lost here. Its sad I was actually wishing it was a guy instead because at least I could understand that. Why do women think this way?

She said she would stop cheating but I don’t believe her. I told her to cut off her friend and I might consider moving the family elsewhere as the friend lives 10 minutes away. She said I was being irrational but I don’t think so. I told her she needs to go to counseling and I’d go too b/c something is grossly wrong. Any advice?
 
Do you have a keylogger on her machine? I just wonder how you were able to read her emails unless you have some software installed.

I am sorry that your wife has had an affair. I think you should get into counseling as soon as possible, and go to see your priest even before that.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Do you have a keylogger on her machine? I just wonder how you were able to read her emails unless you have some software installed.

I am sorry that your wife has had an affair. I think you should get into counseling as soon as possible, and go to see your priest even before that.
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I’m a programmer so its an invention of my own. It records the screen and creates a movie on my home server. I know that’s very low but it took a lot to get to that point. 😦
 
TheBenMan said:
I’m a programmer so its an invention of my own. It records the screen and creates a movie on my home server. I know that’s very low but it took a lot to get to that point. 😦
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That’s OK, I had to use that kind of software on my son when he was sneaking around with his girlfriend. There’s a place for it. Sorry you had to find out about your wife’s affair that way. I hope you can talk to your priest and that your wife realizes what she’s done. The seriousness of it, I mean.

😦
 
TheRealJuliane said:
That’s OK, I had to use that kind of software on my son when he was sneaking around with his girlfriend. There’s a place for it. Sorry you had to find out about your wife’s affair that way. I hope you can talk to your priest and that your wife realizes what she’s done. The seriousness of it, I mean.

😦
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Thanks! I just don’t get this though. I feel rejected for what I am, not even what I do / don’t do. Saying a women can give her something I can’t really cuts me in 50 million pieces and I don’t know how to respond. Why would a woman say such a thing? I’ve always put her needs first and been gentle with her. It just doesn’t make any sense. Even if we talk to a priest I still feel these desires in her aren’t going to go away. 😦
 
TheBenMan said:
Thanks! I just don’t get this though. I feel rejected for what I am, not even what I do / don’t do. Saying a women can give her something I can’t really cuts me in 50 million pieces and I don’t know how to respond. Why would a woman say such a thing? I’ve always put her needs first and been gentle with her. It just doesn’t make any sense. Even if we talk to a priest I still feel these desires in her aren’t going to go away. 😦
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I’m just so sorry. I know it’s not easy to hear that. The irony is that she probably thought she was being kind to you by saying it. But it hurts even more thinking that you’ve been replaced by a woman, not even another man. She has problems and there is a good chance that your marriage may not make it. Since she doesn’t seem to have remorse and thinks she has a right to do this, it’s not going to be easy to make any progress in counseling, but you could try. If she will talk to a priest it would be a start.

She may end up “coming out” as a lesbian. You’ll be in my prayers.
 
Connect with a trusted friend, taking steps to get professional advice on your spirituality, values, and relationship.
This is not easy. My prayers are with you.
 
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It must feel terrible.
Do you both love each other?
If you can find it in your heart to forgive, your love might become even deeper.
Pray your marriage gets back on track and stays there.
God bless you both.+
 
Dear TBM (abbreviation of your name):

Mine too. (Prayers are with you.)

It is so easy for me to say (write) but, to me, the culture is so degenerated that people growing up in it imbibe as acceptable images and ideas the images create - and the images are so common. With children the ages of yours, you and your wife grew up in a culture which was already contaminated by ideas deliberately introduced into it via Hollywood moguls whose agendas are 180 degrees away from life affirming. All the technology you know and can use so well has been used as a weapon very effectively, is the bottom line.

It’s hard to see if you are inside the situation: and we all are.

I would say of course that none of this is your fault - and your wife - she is clearly (to me anyway) a victim of the culture she imbibed.

Here is a FANTASTIC article on e-slavery:
catholic.com/magazine/articles/liberate-yourself-from-e-slavery
 
TheBenMan said:
Thanks! I just don’t get this though. I feel rejected for what I am, not even what I do / don’t do.** Saying a women can give her something** I can’t really cuts me in 50 million pieces and I don’t know how to respond. Why would a woman say such a thing? I’ve always put her needs first and been gentle with her. It just doesn’t make any sense. Even if we talk to a priest I still feel these desires in her aren’t going to go away. 😦
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Bolding Mine:

You have been the victim of a fraud. When she said “Saying a women can give her something…” cough cough Did that not tell you something? The gay/bi issue must be recognized. It would be no surprise if her descried lover was not the first lover of this nature.

Such people often try to convince their victims (you) that this is not adultery. (they may even tell themselves this.) It* is* adultery. Period.

Her behavior is no reflection on you as a man. This is her issue.

No man can serve two masters.* Neither can no woman.* Eventually one aspect will ultimately win out. Usually it will happen when the kids leave home and then is when it is often the case that she will view herself ‘free to explore herself .’ :rolleyes: The fallout of will be much worse for you in the long run. Not to mention the kids.

Methinks you need to steel yourself for what you perhaps already know deep inside what must occur.

I would consider the validity of the marriage vow. Methinks perhaps she has most likely been disingenuous from the very beginning. Ergo the vow may not be legitimate.

By all means. Consult a priest/therapist that is thoroughly conversant with such issues.

Good luck with that. Mostly it will just help you to buy some time until you are* ready* to do what needs be done.

If it were me, I would investigate the possibility of prosecuting her in a civil court for fraud.
It is almost a responsiblity that a legal precedent be started to clear these blurred lines to assure it does not happen to others.

Sorry that you have to face this.
 
Over the last several years I have had two sets of old friends tell me they did just exactly what your wife did. When I asked them how they managed to go from being Catholic, married in the Church to divorced and in SS relationships both of them gave the same response…it just happened. I do think woman develop more intimate friendships with other woman, sharing feelings, etc., more than men but how it grows sexual escapes me. My heart breaks for you as I feel you have had the rug pulled out from under you and it must be a difficult time. Please remember what your faith in our loving, caring God can do for you at this time and let God take care of you. I will pray too.
Memorare
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Also. One must consider the AIDs issue. I realize that er…** TV :rolleyes:** … tells us that the disease is not prevalent amongst lesbians. However it has been my experience that those that cheat, often cheat with many. This may be even more pronounced with those that have abandoned ‘natural law’ and dived into such perversions (which is what the actual practice of homosexuality truly is) willingly.

Once again. Sorry you have been so wrongly victimized.
 
Thanks guys for all the replies and encouragement! It has been tough. REALLY tough. I feel like these days whenever it comes to m/f relationships the man is always being put down. I made every effort when we got married to read every book on how women think / what they need. I’ve always listened to her and her feelings. I was never too busy for her. I think its sad where we are at today. I think we’ve culturally brainwashed women that men are no good no matter what we do so they turn to women to feel safe etc. Its a shame. 😦
 
Nimzovik said:
Bolding Mine:

You have been the victim of a fraud. When she said “Saying a women can give her something…” cough cough Did that not tell you something? The gay/bi issue must be recognized. It would be no surprise if her descried lover was not the first lover of this nature.

Such people often try to convince their victims (you) that this is not adultery. (they may even tell themselves this.) It* is* adultery. Period.

Her behavior is no reflection on you as a man. This is her issue.

No man can serve two masters.* Neither can no woman.* Eventually one aspect will ultimately win out. Usually it will happen when the kids leave home and then is when it is often the case that she will view herself ‘free to explore herself .’ :rolleyes: The fallout of will be much worse for you in the long run. Not to mention the kids.

Methinks you need to steel yourself for what you perhaps already know deep inside what must occur.

I would consider the validity of the marriage vow. Methinks perhaps she has most likely been disingenuous from the very beginning. Ergo the vow may not be legitimate.

By all means. Consult a priest/therapist that is thoroughly conversant with such issues.

Good luck with that. Mostly it will just help you to buy some time until you are* ready* to do what needs be done.

If it were me, I would investigate the possibility of prosecuting her in a civil court for fraud.
It is almost a responsiblity that a legal precedent be started to clear these blurred lines to assure it does not happen to others.

Sorry that you have to face this.
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I agree with this. I have never to my knowledge been a victim of an adulterous relationship, but I am a survivor of a broken marraige. I know the feeling of failure in a relationship and I know fear of possibly facing the rest of your life alone. The OP needs to definitely seek out other for his children’s and for his sake; family, clergy, and councilors. We all need to to pray for families and marraiges often!
 
Hi Ben, I am so sorry for this painful situation you are in. The Lord is your friend closer than a brother, He is an ever present help in trouble

I am in love with a man who has been in your shoes. We are both now seeking annulments; we were both long married and both divorced about ten years ago… “Robert” had an initial 3 months of happiness in what seemed a promising marraige but as soon as she got pregnant (3 months in) she “became a different person”. He said it was like a personality transplant, it was so drastic. He thought it was just hormones but she was never that person again, it got worse, and she could only have sex if she was drunk. When 2 years after the first, she got pregnant with the 2nd, she immediately said she was done with sex for good. Robert accepted this and continued trying to be a good husband, provider, father. Then when the 2nd child was 2 or 3 she took on female best friend she became obsessed with and something about it made Robert wonder and and he watched the woman dropping his wife off one night and saw them carrying on in the car not like friends, and then knew the truth. Once the truth was out she hid nothing and spent most nights there, in fact he took care of the lovers son with his own while the two had their trysts. She became nastier, because you hate the one you are wronging. Then when that affair ended there we subsequent others. He kept journals those years, daily brief accounts of his life, and its heartbreaking for me to see the struggle that he did not complain about, he just systemically accounted a daily struggle to do the right thing that was certainly tough with no support…

So if you find the answer to"why", I’d be curious. He is now seeking annulment, we are waiting, and I wonder, even if she had not had any previous lesbian relationship (not sure we can ever know): if you are gay or bi, isn’t that an innate unique condition (those of us without SSA wouldn’t dream of it) and so doesn’t that make you unable to keep your vows when you make them?

Its all crazy and troubling when you are in the middle of it, I am so sorry as you are in the hardest place right now, but know that you are not alone in the world with this.
 
TheBenMan said:
Thanks guys for all the replies and encouragement! It has been tough. REALLY tough. I feel like these days whenever it comes to m/f relationships the man is always being put down. I made every effort when we got married to read every book on how women think / what they need. I’ve always listened to her and her feelings. I was never too busy for her.** I think its sad where we are at today. I think we’ve culturally brainwashed women that men are no good no matter what we do so they turn to women to feel safe etc. Its a shame**. 😦
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Bolding Mine:

Wellllllllllllllll…

Considering such purported quotes as these that I have read on other internet sites

I have met many feminists who were not Lesbians but I have never met a Lesbian who was not a feminist.

Martha Shelley

And

But the true feminist deals out of a lesbian consciousness whether or not she ever sleeps with women.

Audre Lorde

and considering the manner in which Feminism has been rammed down the Public Psyche. via the TV I would think it not unreasonable to see merit with your assertion…
 
Our Father which art in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy Name
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done
on Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us
from evil

May God be with you!
 
It is also not unknown, methinks, that lesbian ‘couples’ encourage one ‘partner’ to get (temporarily) ‘married’ for purposes of having a baby and also financial support (child support) for the child. Then the married one will leave the pseudo marriage (via false allegations of Domestic Violence or sexual (name removed by moderator)ropriety, molestation) to be with her ‘real’ partner.

This is why it is fraud. It has been happening to men for* ages*.

This is why it is necessary for Feminists to encourage the terms of ‘Bio daddy’ and ‘Donor Daddy.’ This mechanism relegates men from being true Fathers to mere seed providers.
Dead Beat Dads (why not dead beat Parents?) is another classic ‘Male Shaming’ tactic propagated on college campuses under the guise of ‘Gender Studies.’

Disgusting. Sexist.

What more can I say?
 
mountee said:
Over the last several years I have had two sets of old friends tell me they did just exactly what your wife did. When I asked them how they managed to go from being Catholic, married in the Church to divorced and in SS relationships both of them gave the same response…it just happened.
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I’m of the age where I’m seeing just so many of my friends/acquaintances from school children raising years, make a strange sudden deviation in their life path such as this. It’s mostly been female/male affairs but I do know of one female/female situation.

Most people don’t realise that women go through a midlife phase that can become a ‘crisis’, just like men do. It’s just that men have always had the greater resources and freedom to take off in the past. Now women have these things more also.

Coming to the last phase of the reproductive life (peri-menopause) means the hormones are beginning to change and we really don’t give our hormonal balance the credit it deserves in supporting the emotional and mental balance we enjoy. I know myself the deep longings that begin to stir and leave you feeling completely unfulfilled and looking back thinking how you’ve wasted your life. It’s a time when traditionally, people have become more deeply spiritual and intensified their search for meaning through God. The trouble is that now, that longing is mis-directed into hedonistic pleasures that have the blessing of the world around us. Nothing is taboo much anymore.

Ben you could benefit some from looking up female midlife crisis and seeing if that’s what you’re dealing with. There is a number of places that can help you understand what’s happening and manage your own responses to the best advantage.

So sorry you are going through this awful time.
 
LongingSoul said:
I’m of the age where I’m seeing just so many of my friends/acquaintances from school children raising years, make a strange sudden deviation in their life path such as this. It’s mostly been female/male affairs but I do know of one female/female situation.

Most people don’t realise that women go through a midlife phase that can become a ‘crisis’, just like men do. It’s just that men have always had the greater resources and freedom to take off in the past. Now women have these things more also.

Coming to the last phase of the reproductive life (peri-menopause) means the hormones are beginning to change and we really don’t give our hormonal balance the credit it deserves in supporting the emotional and mental balance we enjoy. I know myself the deep longings that begin to stir and leave you feeling completely unfulfilled and looking back thinking how you’ve wasted your life. It’s a time when traditionally, people have become more deeply spiritual and intensified their search for meaning through God. The trouble is that now, that longing is mis-directed into hedonistic pleasures that have the blessing of the world around us. Nothing is taboo much anymore.

Ben you could benefit some from looking up female midlife crisis and seeing if that’s what you’re dealing with. There is a number of places that can help you understand what’s happening and manage your own responses to the best advantage.

So sorry you are going through this awful time.
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I will do that but how does it explain my wife’s sudden interest in women?? I’ve never told her no and was always there for her.
 
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