Wife's infidelity

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CaPray67

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Hello,

My wife and I are trying to recover from her unfaithfulness that began in January of 2003. For two years I believed we where on the road to recovery but recently found out last December that she felt she was “in love” with this person. She said she was in love with him but at the same time claims to not have spoken to him since January 2003. For me this is hard to believe since she said she was not “in love” with him in January of 2003 but only had “feelings” back then. Yet somehow the feelings grew without any contact. After finding out about her feelings we agreed to attempt to keep out marriage together. She said her feelings for this other person were gone and I believed her and forgave her. However, recently she admitted she could be his friend if they were to crosspaths again in the future. This makes me feel as if she’s holding on to him and that she doesn’t see the wrong that was done. Before I end maybe I should just summerize the background of the whole situation. She started talking to this person back in January of 2003 in which she told him she was attracted to him. It moved along and soon they were talking about possibly meeting at a hotel in the future. They both admitted they’d be “afriad of what they might do” if they did meet. My wife also at one point told him she wished he was in bed with her. All along he told her that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. He was also aware that she is married and has two children. He tried to get my wife to a hotel with the excuse that he wanted to tell her something “in person”. When I found out about everything I confronted him and he admitted that he brought up the hotel to see how she’d react to that possibility and that he really had nothing to tell her in person but just wanted to see how far she’d go. My wife has since admitted that if they did meet in private she would have had sex with him. That’s the the basic background of the whole situation. Now after all this she’s telling me she could be his friend. How should I handle this?
Please help.

-CaPray97
 
I feel your pain and anguish because the same thing happened to me. The only difference is that he left the marriage for the other woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

As for any advice, you both should enter into counseling with a good Catholic counselor.

Bless you,
Shannin
 
Your wife sounds immature and lacking in wisdom, prudence and frankly selfish as all be. I would start with talking to a priest, hopefully she will join you. Then your wife may need counseling if she truly wants to remain married and faithful to her wedding vows but is finding that she is having a hard time staying on course in her thoughts, feelings…Suggest fasting and praying for your wife and your marriage to be protected from evil forces and grace for healing. I will say a prayer for you. My :twocents: .
 
Both prayer and professional counseling are mandatory. You both need counseling, and we’re not talking about one or two sessions, we’re talking some in-depth counseling.

By all means try to find a counselor who at least understands and respects the Catholic Church’s position on the indissolubility of marriage, or you will add to your misery. If your parish priest does not have the names of good Catholic counselors, your diocese should; and a possible alternative is to look for a Lutheran Counseling Service (although you need to be up front with the counselor about your position about marriage).

And pray hard and pray constantly.

And realize that this is not something that you have control over; no matter how hard you may try to stay married, she can pull the plug at any time. It is up to you to do all you can to not give her any reason or excuse to pull that plug.

I hope there are no children involved, as this can be devastating to them. And please be careful, if you don’t have any, of the misgudided advice you may hear about how having a child will bring you both together. Any decision to have children needs to be made when you have the marriage back on solid footing.

Note also that at some point you are going to have to let go, and let God. In other words, you need to come to some point where you can forgive her, and it does not come up again, ever, in conversation.
 
It appears your wife is being unreasonable and insensitive to say the least. It looks like a possible future friendship with him rides above her marriage. Is that person that important to her? From what I can see from your post, this other man was after one thing. Does she see that? If she doesn’t she needs serious help. Or, she’s not telling you the whole story. Are you sure they have had no contact in two years? Something just doesn’t add up. IMHO, I believe she should not have any “want” for a friendship every again with him if she really wants her marriage. Should she cross paths with him in the future she should politely say “hi” and then “bye” and leave it at that. She should by all means forgive him for his actions and the resulting pain and suffering that it caused. That doesn’t mean she has to be his “friend” again. She should also forgive herself. Also, as others have mentioned seek a good counselor. One other avenue would be to read Catholic books on marriage and/or listen to cd’s/tapes. That’s if she’s open to that.

Gavin52
 
Thanks for the replies so far. We have seen a couple priests. One priest told my wife to leave me and take the kids. She was seeing this priest without me present so I don’t know what she was telling the priest that made him come to that conclusion. When asked, she told me she told the priest that we were having trouble dealing with all that had happened. I can’t imagine a priest recommending separation because of difficulties during the recovery period so she must of said something more. Also, this same priest told us that when people confess adultery to him he advises them to never tell their spouse. I don’t exactly agree with that since that would be “living a lie” and deceitful. The other priest we saw together. He asked each of us explain our problems, asked us what we wanted out of marriage, and then had us say our vows again. His conclusion after talking to us was our marriage had alot of promise and in much better shape than either of us thought. We also have been reading and listening to alot of cd’s related to marriage and family life. They are definately helping me but I am not so sure about her. When ever we try to talk about anything even remotely related to the unfaithfulness she gets mad and usually says something along the lines, “Face it, I did this to you and you can’t handle it.” And then she walks away and doesn’t want to talk any more. Just recently she said, “Yes, I would have slept with him! So what are you going to do about it? You can’t handle it…that’s your problem not mine.” With this recent problem she said, “Even though I went past friendship with him I know I can be his friend again and keep it at that.” She doesn’t know she’s slowing killing me inside. She says she’s sorry about everything but I find that hard to believe by what she says to me.

-CaPray67
 
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CaPray67:
One priest told my wife to leave me and take the kids.
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I don’t mean to criticize. I feel terrible about what your wife did.

At the same time, that quote is alarming. Why would a Catholic priest say that? Given the Church’s teaching on the permanence of marriage, your wife had to have told him something very, very bad.

Has this, whatever it is, been addressed in your recovery? Could it also be the thing that contributed to your wife’s attraction to that other man?
 
What led up to her being attracted to another man was an unhappy marriage as a result of poor communication skills on both sides. I agree 100% that our marriage could have been better had we communicated better. We had our ups-and-downs throughout the years, however, I had absolutely no idea that she was unhappy since she showed nothing but “happiness” in her actions and words. We had just had a wonderful Christmas in 2002 and it seemed like everything was going well. Then suddenly she became unfaithful. I had no idea anything was wrong. She had been talking with an old friend (the person she became attracted to). I was aware of this but told her it was okay because I trusted her. Which I now realize was a mistake. After everything came out in the open we discussed what went wrong and what we should do. She admitted she should have communicated to me about being unhappy. And I admitted to her that I need to be more “emotional” towards her. The recovery was difficult because I also found out that she had sex with another person shortly before we had our first son and hid it all these years. She had a very promiscous past before I met her that also made the recovery difficult. She promised to never be unfaithful again and I told her I was scared to trust her. Eventually the trust came back last year and then I find out she thinks she’s in love with this man. She says her feelings are strong enough that she’d slept with him if given the opportunity. She told me that she knows it’s against God’s will but she’d do it anyway. That made me very sad because I don’t think she understands how serious it is and I honestly think it’s her promiscious past that allows her to do something like that. Again when all this happened, I thought nothing was wrong. Now, we’re trying to recover again and at times I am beginning to wonder if I am fool to give my trust back to her. But she’s my wife and I love her and I have to have trust in her. All I am asking is for a faithful, loving wife that I can trust. But she’s slowing driving me away.

To answer Hermione’s question, I can’t think of anything she could have told the priest that would make him suggest separation…unless she lied about something.

-CaPray67
 
whatever your wife’s actions, you have no right to discuss them here with strangers (or with your friends and relatives, for that matter) and you are being unfaithful to her by doing so. sorry if it hurts, but you did ask for help. get counselling, and when you go to confession and to Mass ask for family healing, and for the ability to truly forgive and be forgiven.
 
I disagree. He has a right to post and seek advice. As long as he does not name her outright.
 
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puzzleannie:
whatever your wife’s actions, you have no right to discuss them here with strangers (or with your friends and relatives, for that matter) and you are being unfaithful to her by doing so. sorry if it hurts, but you did ask for help. get counselling, and when you go to confession and to Mass ask for family healing, and for the ability to truly forgive and be forgiven.
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This is totally ridiculous. What a way to slame someone when they are already totally betrayed. If you can’t discuss problems with even your friends or relatives, then who? I had problems in relationships and went to people… Catholic priests for that matter and sought help. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what he did, ESPECIALLY since he didn’t reveal her identity. How can you say that is unfaithful? You don’t know who this woman is amongst the 3+ billion women on the face of this earth.

If this is the case, no one can come on here and discuss 90% of their problems, cause most of our problems involve at least one other person. For example, I had a co-worker who i didn’t get a long with. I went to a priest friend and said, “i am having trouble with my co-worker/friend, he is inconsiderate… blah blah blah” I don’t see how that is being an unfaithful friend… same type of situation…
 
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Timidity:
Forgive her.
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I understand you say forgive her. But that is not his question, he stated that he forgives her… he is asking how does he handle this now? How do you continue to live with someone who says:

“Yes, I would have slept with him! So what are you going to do about it? You can’t handle it…that’s your problem not mine.”

And then goes on to say she can still be this guys friend:

“Even though I went past friendship with him I know I can be his friend again and keep it at that.”

It is unreasonable and impractical to live with someone like that.
Basically, there is a lack of care for her marriage. The Gospel tells us to FLEE from immorality. She should not want anything to do with someone who is a home wrecker. This man knew she had kids and knew she was married, and yet wanted to take her to a hotel. Re-read both of his posts carefully.
 
I was recently reading the chapter on Christian Marriage in C.S. Lewis’ “Mere Christianity.” In that Chapter he talks about how married people will claim that they have “fallen in love” and that this is as unavoidable that just happens to you “like measles.” He basically shows that this is not something that simply happens to you. It is a short chapter and the book is very easy to find at a library or bookstore. I think that if you and your wife read the chapter it might help start to dispel any ill founded “romantic notion” of “falling in love,” and help foster an understanding of the nature of love in marriage. God bless you and your family, I am praying for you!
 
Yes! Forgive her. That is a must. He says he forgives her and I believe he does. The problem is she is making VERY HARD for him. She seems immature and unreasonable and, by her words, is giving him every reason in the world to believe she’ll be unfaithful again. If she’s seeked forgiveness with our Lord I wonder if she has repented, resolved to sin no more. She indicated she could be his friend. Why? What does she see in him? This is an immoral man. Does she call a person like that her friend? If so, what are her morals? As, James_2:24 said we are to flee from immorality. I see no reason she should want a friendship with this man in the future unless she’s keeping something going with him in secret. She also revealed to him that she would have slept with him and now she’s telling him she could be his friend!!! Man oh man…I am at a loss for words. If she expects to see and feel forgiveness from her husband she needs to change her ways. And that doesn’t meen clamming up and being dishonest. That’s one thing I give her…she appears honest because for if she was dishonest some of the things she said are exactly things she would probably hide. Sorry if I am coming down a bit harsh on the unfaithful spouse and partner in crime, but I have seen scenarios like this it always causes so much pain and suffering. I pray for them.

I have to address the husband also. Pray and pray hard. Ask your wife to pray with you. Ask forgiveness for yourself also for all the times you haven’t been that “perfect” husband because I am guessing that had a part in your wife’s unfaithful behavior, it almost always does. However, I am not saying that justifies her behavior. Nothing justifies it. If you did no wrong and your wife was still unfaithful then you have a bigger problem on your hands. Through God’s grace I believe your wife will “open her eyes”. You need to help her that is part of your job as a husband. She needs to be open to your help. That is part of her job as a wife. To help each other on the road to heaven. You have children. DO NOT let this affect them. The future direction of their lives depends on your marriage.
 
James_2:24:
But that is not his question, he stated that he forgives her…
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Yep, he said it. People say a lot of things, though.
James_2:24:
How do you continue to live with someone who says:
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Yep. She’s saying some pretty awful things. But in what context? Are they just walking down the pickle aisle in the local grocery store and she says these things in response to “dill or sweet”?

Or, is she trying to move on with starting over and he keeps bringing up the past? Does he keep asking her question after question about the incident, so that she’s eventually forced to say these things?

In the case of the former behaviour, then he has to forgive her for her current rudeness. In the case of the latter behavior, he has never forgiven her for the initial offense. In either case, he needs to forgive her.
 
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CaPray67:
They are definately helping me but I am not so sure about her. When ever we try to talk about anything even remotely related to the unfaithfulness she gets mad and usually says something along the lines, “Face it, I did this to you and you can’t handle it.” And then she walks away and doesn’t want to talk any more. Just recently she said, “Yes, I would have slept with him! So what are you going to do about it? You can’t handle it…that’s your problem not mine.” With this recent problem she said, “Even though I went past friendship with him I know I can be his friend again and keep it at that.” She doesn’t know she’s slowing killing me inside. She says she’s sorry about everything but I find that hard to believe by what she says to me.

-CaPray67
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There are two things I see here.
One, I think it is your wife that is not able to handle what she did to you and your family. It sounds like she is dealing with a lot of guilt and has not accepted your forgiveness in order to forgive herself.
Two, one of the reasons she is carrying this guilt is in part of denial. By saying, she could be friends with him and that’s all seems to come across as she is denying that this outside relationship would ever hurt you, even though it does and has. This is where the insensivity and selfishness comes in.
To me it sounds like you are prepared to go on, and fix whatever can be fixed.
Keep assuring her that you do forgive her (if you do), and that you love her (if you do) and want to create a happier marriage.
You didn’t mention if the priest you talked with knew you, but it they do, maybe you should to a priest that doesn’t know you, schedule a joint time, and then separate times. This way, the priest will know the whole story as you both present it, in union and in the freedom of separate sessions.
 
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Timidity:
Or, is she trying to move on with starting over and he keeps bringing up the past? Does he keep asking her question after question about the incident, so that she’s eventually forced to say these things?
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During the recovery period, yes, the past can be talked about. It must be talked about to move forward. It just doesn’t get brushed under the rug. He should ask for details and has a right to know. He needs to know “who his wife really is”. Should he forgive her if she openly admits to being capable of unfaithfulness in the future? Wanting to be his friend is being unfaithful to her husband and would be willingly putting herself in a place of temptation again which is a sin unto itself. He would not have known this if he didn’t ask. He didn’t say in what context this was revealed but in any case it’s something he should know.

And she is not being forced to say anything. She is saying what she believes and what she believes is WRONG. She shouldn’t take an attitude of “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him”. That’s selfish and deceiving and doesn’t belong in marriage.

Now, the part I do agree on about bringing up the past is that he shouldn’t do it years down the road when everything is (hopefully) better. Now is the time to talk about everything. If you recall he said this started in January of 2003 and he was believing it was fading into the past and then it reared it’s ugly head this past December. If he forgave her prior to December it might have been a mistake and this time around he’s probably, and rightfully, being more cautious. Maybe he didn’t ask enough questions before December.
 
James_2:24:
This is totally ridiculous. What a way to slame someone when they are already totally betrayed. If you can’t discuss problems with even your friends or relatives, then who?
. . ., I had a co-worker who i didn’t get a long with. I went to a priest friend and said, “i am having trouble with my co-worker/friend, he is inconsiderate… blah blah blah” I don’t see how that is being an unfaithful friend… same type of situation…
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poster is not here talking to friends or relatives (which would be even worse) or with a priest/friend, he is talking to total strangers which is disloyal to his wife. My opinion stands. if you don’t want to hear other opinions, please do not ask for them
 
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