Wife's Relationship with Mother-In-Law

[CommonWeal]

Dear friends,

Can anyone recommend a good book (preferably Catholic) that deals in a positive way on the subject of helping wives improve their relationship with mothers in law? Or any practical tips she or I might take? We’re spending Thanksgiving together and tonight my wife told me she “hates spending time with my mom,” which is rather upsetting to hear.

My wife and my mom have had some rough patches in the past, but I believe a large part of the problem between them is the result of two factors: significant cultural differences, resulting in misunderstandings, and my wife’s childhood and poor relationship with her own mother. You see, my family is Iranian. My wife and I are converts, but my mother is nominally Muslim (and now doing Bible study, praise God). My mom’s English is pretty good, but she still thinks in Farsi, so oftentimes what she actually says isn’t exactly what she intends to say; or, when speaking, she might lapse into a kind of quasi English-Farsi or use expressions that are unfamiliar to English speakers.

Also, I believe my wife’s own upbringing and relationship with her own mother play heavily into the equation. Growing up, my wife was rarely “heard” or praised or allowed to speak her mind, but rather psychologically neglected you might say, resulting in feelings of inadequacy. Thus my wife will often read into my mom’s words or behavior an evil intention that simply isn’t there. I know my mother, and I know she would never intentionally disrespect my wife.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Forget her childhood, I’m not sure your wife is being heard now.

You are a married man. If there is a conflict between your wife and mother, you stand firmly at your wife’s side and mediate. By all means explain to your wife that your mom didn’t mean to be offensive-but be sure that you are also telling your mom that intentional or not, she cannot disrespect your wife.

Do not psychoanalyze your wife. Do not give her books on how to patch things up. Stand by her side while taking the lead in navigating and working out these issues.

 

[pensmama87]

Forget her childhood, I’m not sure your wife is being heard now.

You are a married man. If there is a conflict between your wife and mother, you stand firmly at your wife’s side and mediate. By all means explain to your wife that your mom didn’t mean to be offensive-but be sure that you are also telling your mom that intentional or not, she cannot disrespect your wife.

Do not psychoanalyze your wife. Do not give her books on how to patch things up. Stand by her side while taking the lead in navigating and working out these issues.

Yep.

You are the link between them, but your primary responsibility now is to your wife, NOT your mother. If being around your mom is uncomfortable for her, I’d say that you listen to your wife and cut back on time, at least for now. (I would also very strongly suggest not explaining to your mother exactly why, but maybe if she makes one of those remarks that your wife experiences as a put-down, you can point that out to your mom in a joking tone: “Wow, Mom, be careful, I’m sure you don’t mean to suggest Jane is a bad cook!” It might even help your mom refine and polish her English.)

 

[St_Francis]

First of all, did your wife really mean that, or was she just expressing that she felt stressed out or something? Right now, we have just finished recovering from being sick; I feel like we were just catching up with what we need to do, and we have to go out of town… argh! So I might *say, *I hate doing this, but really I’m just feeling overwhelmed!

Additionally, I would say that sometimes husbands want to fix a problem when a wife wants a hug and sympathy. Sometimes offering solutions just makes the whole thing worse! Altho I’m a wife, I can’t tell you why that is… but try giving her a really tender hug and saying something like how well she handles things or that you’ll be there to help her.

 

[CommonWeal]

Well look at that. Atheists and Catholics coming together and agreeing about something. You all sound like Dr. Laura, especially you miss Blue Eyed Lady with over 5,000 posts on a Catholic forum.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Well look at that. Atheists and Catholics coming together and agreeing about something. You all sound like Dr. Laura, especially you miss Blue Eyed Lady with over 5,000 posts on a Catholic forum.

I’ve been called many things and compared to many more, but I’m not sure Dr. Laura has ever been one of them.

First time for everything.

 

[pensmama87]

Well look at that. Atheists and Catholics coming together and agreeing about something. You all sound like Dr. Laura, especially you miss Blue Eyed Lady with over 5,000 posts on a Catholic forum.

BEL is a very respected poster here and although she’s not Catholic, she is married, and actually knows a fair bit about the Catholic understanding of marriage (and from what I can tell she agrees with quite a lot of it when it comes to practice). The fact that she and I agree may actually be additional incentive for you to consider that we are right!

It definitely strikes me as odd that, based on the info in the OP, you seem to think the problem is your wife and that she needs fixing to fit into the dynamic you already have with your mother. What BEL and I are suggesting is that maybe you need to change the way the two of you interact with your mother, and that it would be a loving thing for you to do for your wife.

Let me give you a personal example. I come from a very hands-off, not emotional, secular family (your stereotypical WASP, but barely any P.) My husband comes from a loud, everyone in each other’s business 24/7, Italian American family. When he married me, we definitely went through a period of adjustment when it came to spending time with his family. Spending time with my family almost never happens because they live far away, so that’s always been the same for me and for us as a couple. He thought something had to be wrong with me because I found all-the-family gatherings exhausting, even though I really do like all of his relatives! (They really are lovely people.) And although there were aspects of my family’s “hand-offishness” that were not healthy, that doesn’t mean that everything about the way his family does things is perfect. My MIL does try to get into things that are not her business. She cares about people, but doesn’t really understand much about privacy. It took a while for my husband to get that no, she doesn’t have a right to any and all information about our family just because “that’s how she is.” He did learn, over time, that his primary responsibility was to me and our family, NOT to his mom. It’s still something we occasionally disagree about. It wasn’t something he ever had to face from my side. But when I asked him, “Would you like it if my mom asked those things and I told her?” he got it, even though such a thing is pretty much impossible.

 

[Xantippe]

Forget her childhood, I’m not sure your wife is being heard now.

You are a married man. If there is a conflict between your wife and mother, you stand firmly at your wife’s side and mediate. By all means explain to your wife that your mom didn’t mean to be offensive-but be sure that you are also telling your mom that intentional or not, she cannot disrespect your wife.

Do not psychoanalyze your wife. Do not give her books on how to patch things up. Stand by her side while taking the lead in navigating and working out these issues.

This may annoy your mom, but I would suggest trying to “translate” the worst sounding things for your wife, adding polite phrases and grammar, perhaps asking your mom if you have the meaning right.

 

[MJJean]

My husband and I were using an old study bible that his mother owned and left behind when they retired and moved away. Probably because this bible is huge and weighs a ton!

We were discussing meanings and translations. He tended to be very literal and a word being changed from one translation to another changed the meaning for him. I pointed out that the word used in each different translation felt the same, if you get my meaning. Each different word really described almost the exact same thing when that word was seen more as describing a feeling.

Perhaps your wife is taking the words your mother uses literally and she is not getting the feeling type meaning behind them.

I agree that if your wife needs to be heard she wouldn’t do well with a book. Perhaps your mom could help your wife learn Farsi so that they will be better at communicating with each other. Your wife would be better able to understand how your mom thinks and what she really means when mentally translating Farsi into English.

 

[Xantippe]

My wife and my mom have had some rough patches in the past, but I believe a large part of the problem between them is the result of two factors: significant cultural differences, resulting in misunderstandings, and my wife’s childhood and poor relationship with her own mother. You see, my family is Iranian. My wife and I are converts, but my mother is nominally Muslim (and now doing Bible study, praise God). My mom’s English is pretty good, but she still thinks in Farsi, so oftentimes what she actually says isn’t exactly what she intends to say; or, when speaking, she might lapse into a kind of quasi English-Farsi or use expressions that are unfamiliar to English speakers.

Also, I believe my wife’s own upbringing and relationship with her own mother play heavily into the equation. Growing up, my wife was rarely “heard” or praised or allowed to speak her mind, but rather psychologically neglected you might say, resulting in feelings of inadequacy. Thus my wife will often read into my mom’s words or behavior an evil intention that simply isn’t there. I know my mother, and I know she would never intentionally disrespect my wife.

You might share a somewhat edited version of that to your mom, namely that your wife needs a lot more warmth and praise and less judgment and advice. I’m not sure if your mom overdoes judgment and advice, but I’m guessing that she might be doing that because I’m a cultural WASP married into an ethnic family, and the volume of advice that I used to get from my in-laws each visit was the equivalent of what I’d get in a decade of dealing with my family of origin. All the advice used to drive me nuts. If that’s what your mom is doing to your wife, it could be feeding your wife’s feelings of inadequacy. (I think my in-laws have gotten a bit better, but I also don’t see them as much as I used to. Either way, problem solved.)

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t think anyone needs a book, and you’re assuming your wife is the one who needs to change her behavior or attitude, and not your mother. Your mother may not be “intentionally” disrespecting your wife, but that doesn’t mean that she couldn’t be more respectful. And if she is being disrespectful, you should not tolerate such treatment of your wife.

Your wife may very well not be “reading into” anything your mother is doing. My husband has a relative whose rude, inappropriate, attention seeking behaviors drive me crazy. She has made many, many comments that were passive aggressive, and even insulting toward me and where I knew what she meant but my husband was clueless. Of course it’s possible to miscommunicate, but I do think that often women can pick up on what another woman “really means” more easily than a man. So do consider that it’s possible your wife is really feeling disrespected, and you should care about that and try to talk with her to understand why, instead of trying to fix her.

Maybe your mother really is sweet and has the best of intentions. But if there is some kind of miscommunication going on, it probably goes both ways. Your wife probably could have expressed her frustration with your mother in a better way, but that isn’t the point. And don’t try to force a relationship that isn’t there. They should both respect each other and be polite, but if they don’t want to go shopping together or talk on the phone, don’t expect that it will ever happen.

 

[nana3]

To the op, in our marriage, we have a situation almost like yours. My MIL and I have always gotten along, but due to my shyness, I would let some remarks she made about me, how we are raising our daughter and etc, slip by. Then she did something three years ago that I just could not just not say anything. I spoke out and defended my husband against verbal attacks on him, in an email and she did nothing to correct the wrong things said about her son, from her own sister and her husband. That was the last straw for me. I sent her a nice good-bye email and thanked her for the good times, but that I would not keep talking to her if she kept agreeing with those that said things against my husband. She abused her three boys physically and mentally in their childhood and I finally saw that side of her. I have not spoken to her in three years now and she didn’t see our daughter for two years. I allowed my daughter to go with her dad on Christmas Day last year and that did not go well. She criticized my dd, a teen with low self-esteem, and told her that her face from square and she had too much cheeks. I don’t think she meant it as mean, but it is how she speaks. My dd is now 15 and wants nothing to do with her. She has her as a FB friend, but she is not on FB much since school started. My MIL thinks that I am telling my dd things to keep her away from her. This is not true. I allowed the visit because my dh stands by me, but thinks his mother should be able to see her granddaughter. But even after that visit, he now agrees with me totally that she can be mean in her words to others and he is just use to it because she has been this way all his life. HE is the only one who speaks to her. She says I need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. I don’t need to. I do forgive her and as her second husband told me, she will never apologize, never. She is on husband number three.

So stand by your wife, as my hubby did with me and he still has to defend me with his mother almost every time they talk. As a person that speaks two languages, I can understand how your mom may not say what she really means to say when she thinks of it in her own language. My husband married into a Hispanic family and at times, he doesn’t understand my mother and her humor when she speaks in English, but he is okay with it all. He loves her and has told me she is his mother too. I would do as others said, pray for their relationship and let it go and see where and when the two of them can handle all this and fix their relationship. It could be one year or more or less. Patience. I am sure your culture is like the Hispanic where we are all so close together, but if you give them both space it will work out. My husband’s relationship with his mother was and is terrible, but he loves to talk to my mother even though he doesn’t understand her most of the time. He sees her kindness and her ability to make him feel loved. He never got praise and felt loved by his own mother. Give them time and pray a lot. That is my experience with us, but each family is different. God bless you all.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Dear friends,

Can anyone recommend a good book (preferably Catholic) that deals in a positive way on the subject of helping wives improve their relationship with mothers in law? Or any practical tips she or I might take? .

What about your mom? Shouldn’t she also take practical steps? And others have suggested a very practical step for you ie take your wife more seriously

We’re spending Thanksgiving together and tonight my wife told me she “hates spending time with my mom,” which is rather upsetting to hear…

As upsetting as it was for you to hear, at least your wife has agreed to go and I think that counts for a lot.

My wife and my mom have had some rough patches in the past, but I believe a large part of the problem between them is the result of two factors: significant cultural differences, resulting in misunderstandings.

Do you live in your mom’s country? Or your wife’s country? When in Rome, do as the Romans

and my wife’s childhood and poor relationship with her own mother. .

Well… if I did not have a good relationship with my mom, I doubt I would want that with someone else. Are you expecting your wife to treat your mom as a woman treats her own mom or her mother-in-law?

You see, my family is Iranian. My wife and I are converts, but my mother is nominally Muslim (and now doing Bible study, praise God)…

I have no clue as to what that has to do with anything? Isn’t it a fact there are cruel and kind people in all religions?

My mom’s English is pretty good, but she still thinks in Farsi, so oftentimes what she actually says isn’t exactly what she intends to say; or, when speaking, she might lapse into a kind of quasi English-Farsi or use expressions that are unfamiliar to English speakers.

Is that really the problem? Wouldn’t your wife know by now when it is a language barrier and when it is inconsideration?

Also, I believe my wife’s own upbringing and relationship with her own mother play heavily into the equation. Growing up, my wife was rarely “heard” or praised or allowed to speak her mind, but rather psychologically neglected you might say, resulting in feelings of inadequacy. Thus my wife will often read into my mom’s words or behavior an evil intention that simply isn’t there. .

If your wife did this with everybody, then I would agree your wife needs counselling. However, if your wife only does this with your mom, I don’t think her childhood has any hold on her

I know my mother, and I know she would never intentionally disrespect my wife.

Then is sounds like a simple solution. Ask your wife for examples of what bothers her, tell your mom to stop and your mom will be glad to stop once she knows it disrespects your wife

Angie

 

[1ke]

Dear friends,

Can anyone recommend a good book (preferably Catholic) that deals in a positive way on the subject of helping wives improve their relationship with mothers in law?

I suggest a book on *people *improving their relationships with other people. Communicating effectively and dealing with emotions are skills you need with all interactions.

Being a daughter/mother-in-law has nothing to do with it. I tire of this stereotype of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

 

[CommonWeal]

BEL is a very respected poster here and although she’s not Catholic, she is married, and actually knows a fair bit about the Catholic understanding of marriage (and from what I can tell she agrees with quite a lot of it when it comes to practice). The fact that she and I agree may actually be additional incentive for you to consider that we are right!

It definitely strikes me as odd that, based on the info in the OP, you seem to think the problem is your wife and that she needs fixing to fit into the dynamic you already have with your mother. What BEL and I are suggesting is that maybe you need to change the way the two of you interact with your mother, and that it would be a loving thing for you to do for your wife.

Let me give you a personal example. I come from a very hands-off, not emotional, secular family (your stereotypical WASP, but barely any P.) My husband comes from a loud, everyone in each other’s business 24/7, Italian American family. When he married me, we definitely went through a period of adjustment when it came to spending time with his family. Spending time with my family almost never happens because they live far away, so that’s always been the same for me and for us as a couple. He thought something had to be wrong with me because I found all-the-family gatherings exhausting, even though I really do like all of his relatives! (They really are lovely people.) And although there were aspects of my family’s “hand-offishness” that were not healthy, that doesn’t mean that everything about the way his family does things is perfect. My MIL does try to get into things that are not her business. She cares about people, but doesn’t really understand much about privacy. It took a while for my husband to get that no, she doesn’t have a right to any and all information about our family just because “that’s how she is.” He did learn, over time, that his primary responsibility was to me and our family, NOT to his mom. It’s still something we occasionally disagree about. It wasn’t something he ever had to face from my side. But when I asked him, “Would you like it if my mom asked those things and I told her?” he got it, even though such a thing is pretty much impossible.

What you describe sounds very similar to our situation Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful comments and encouragement. I agree that men generally try to fix things, and I for one thank God for the great gift of complementarity! We men would be lost without you ladies! God bless you all.

 

[CommonWeal]

Perhaps your wife is taking the words your mother uses literally and she is not getting the feeling type meaning behind them.

That’s a very interesting idea. I’ll think about that.

 

[CommonWeal]

I tire of this stereotype of mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.

I tired of it, too, especially since I have been dealing with this “stereotype” for the last 5 years. The truth is that this is not a stereotype; it is a real (and often problematic) relationship founded on the nature of things (i.e., marriage and motherhood). As a Catholic I’m sure you appreciate the richness of both those subjects, both in a theological and even cultural dimension. I was merely hoping for some Catholic literature that discusses their intersection in a positive way.

I think your reaction is right, though, because don’t we all wish that things would just fall in their proper place after a couple is married? But human nature is what it is: sinful.

May the Light of Christ shine upon every relationship and lead us into all truth.

 

[1ke]

I tired of it, too, especially since I have been dealing with this “stereotype” for the last 5 years.

No, you have been dealing with two people who do not get along, for real or imagined slights. Misunderstandings between the two of them can be resolved. It takes **both **of them making the effort to do so.

The truth is that this is not a stereotype; it is a real (and often problematic) relationship founded on the nature of things (i.e., marriage and motherhood).

It is a stereotype. There is nothing preordained regarding the relationship between a mother/daughter-in-law or father/son-in-law or mother/son-in-law or father/daughter-in-law.

Many people have wonderful relationships with their in-laws, while others do not.

As a Catholic I’m sure you appreciate the richness of both those subjects, both in a theological and even cultural dimension. I was merely hoping for some Catholic literature that discusses their intersection in a positive way.

As a Catholic, I appreciate that there is nothing in Church teaching on this matter above and beyond what is there regarding how we treat everyone else in our lives.

If your spouse and mother cannot get along, they need to talk about it and find a way forward like adults. As it is, it seems they are both acting petulant like children.

I think your reaction is right, though, because don’t we all wish that things would just fall in their proper place after a couple is married? But human nature is what it is: sinful.

May the Light of Christ shine upon every relationship and lead us into all truth.

It’s a people problem, not an in-law problem. It’s all about managing expectations and Christian charity. You have a role to play in managing expectations. We all have the ability to control our behavior (unless of course we are talking about people with mental illness, who may not be in such a position).

 

[CommonWeal]

It is a stereotype. There is nothing preordained regarding the relationship between a mother/daughter-in-law or father/son-in-law or mother/son-in-law or father/daughter-in-law.

First of all, please acknowledge that you were the one to use the word “stereotype,” not me. I merely posted some facts about my situation and asked for help. So if you saw something stereotypical in those facts then it may have been for good reason. I think you and I would both agree that there is a difference between the “in-law relationship” itself and the difficulties people in that relationship commonly face. At any rate, nobody is advocating some kind of in-law determinism, where either good or bad is preordained in that sense. After all, we’re Catholic! We don’t believe in determinism!

Personally, I would not describe those difficulties as stereotype. Instead, I think I’d prefer the term common. However, it is undeniable that some relationships are more susceptible to sinful tendencies and relational problems (i.e., strife, misunderstandings, selfishness, etc.) than others: husband-wife, parent-child, landlord-tenant, master-servant, to name just a few. As always, faith and charity is the key, with due acknowledgment for one’s rights and obligations.

God bless.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

The only thing you can “fix” is the boundaries which these two will interact with each other. The only book that comes to mind is “Boundaries in Marriage” Townsend (and someone else).

It sounds like you do not have to be ambassador to this relationship all year, day in/day out … It may also help if you could make the time they have together more neutral and pleasant … Dinner out vs dinner in … Maid help before/after … Also, find escape routes for each if situations are escalating (can you go shaping for … Let’s goto a movie … ) lastly, it sounds like your wife would be in heaven if you helped stroke her ego in matters where she is insecure.