Wife's Verbal abuse

  • Thread starter Thread starter fcozen
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

fcozen

Guest
Being a practicing Catholic, i was thought to give 100% without expecting anything in return to our spouse. And to lead by example. In my case, my wife is a non-practicing christian, not Catholic. Recently, she said that she regreted in chosing me as her husband and also hates my blood family without valid grounds. She constantly finds fault for the sake of finding fault and quick to criticize. We have been married for 11 years and i dont know if we will ever reach the 12th. My brother went through divorce early this year and i dont want the same predicament for our kids. Any ideas?
 
40.png
fcozen:
Being a practicing Catholic, i was thought to give 100% without expecting anything in return to our spouse. And to lead by example. In my case, my wife is a non-practicing christian, not Catholic. Recently, she said that she regreted in chosing me as her husband and also hates my blood family without valid grounds. She constantly finds fault for the sake of finding fault and quick to criticize. We have been married for 11 years and i dont know if we will ever reach the 12th. My brother went through divorce early this year and i dont want the same predicament for our kids. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
Could there possibly be something medically that has happened?
 
What do you think she wants? Does she want a better marriage or does she want out?

I think you need some one on one counselling. It is a terrible situation and I will pray for you and your family to get the help you need to work this out…

Malia
 
My advice–marriage counseling and retrouvaille.
retrouvaille.org/
I know you siad that she is non practicing but from what I understand the retrouvaille program focuses more on the spiritual aspect of marriage and not a specific religion, although it is a Catholic program. I am also in the Stockton Diocese so I know there is a vital program in the area that you can definetly benefit from. Good Luck and God Bless.–Rebecca
 
Thank you all for the quick response. My wifes case i think is more of her upbringing and also being from a broken family. We are not really in dire need financially but the way i was informed by her immediate family, money is power. And the more you whine, the better the chances of getting people to agree on your side. Humility was never introduced to them while growing. It is really sad knowing how they were raised and if i give up and leave her, I know that it is not what HE wanted. She is also not too keen with any counseling program. The more so if she finds out that it has a Catholic link to it.
 
Can I ask how you survived the first 11 years? This doesn’t sound like a new problem…just one that you are increasingly frustrated with.

If I were in your situation, I would seek out a good Catholic therapist (or priest who is good with these matters) and get some advice on what I should do.

As easy as it is to see what she is doing wrong, I bet there are some things you could be doing/not doing that would at least help your situation.

You mention having children… I hope for their sake that you and your wife can work this out.

I really wish I could give you some magic advice that would fix this instantly…but it took you many years to get to this point and it may take quite awhile to get out of trouble. Get help!!!

Malia
 
Does your wife understand how hurtful her comments are? Verbal abuse is a learned behavior; she probably learned it from her parents. It can be unlearned. Substituting a better behavior in its place can work. But…she has to want to.

Since your wife no doubt won’t pray with you, you may feel as if you have to pray by yourself. You don’t. If you have some masses said for your wife, the whole Church will be praying with you.
 
Do you live close to your wife’s family? It sounds like a move might be in order to seperate your family from them. Distance can give perspective. Perhaps find a job that pays more money far from her family. You siad money was an incentive to her and it might safe your marriage.–Rebecca
 
40.png
beckyann2597:
… You siad money was an incentive to her and it might safe your marriage.–Rebecca
Click to expand...
If I stayed in a marriage because my husband made a lot of money, what does that make me?? You stay with someone out of love, not the size of the paycheck. And as for incentives, how about Jesus?
~ Kathy ~
 
Kathy-
I understand what you mean but you always meet people where they are. Sure money might be the initial incentive to move, but after they move, they may be removing themselves from a toxic environment. Then they can work on their marriage.
 
40.png
fcozen:
Being a practicing Catholic, i was thought to give 100% without expecting anything in return to our spouse. And to lead by example. In my case, my wife is a non-practicing christian, not Catholic. Recently, she said that she regreted in chosing me as her husband and also hates my blood family without valid grounds. She constantly finds fault for the sake of finding fault and quick to criticize. We have been married for 11 years and i dont know if we will ever reach the 12th. My brother went through divorce early this year and i dont want the same predicament for our kids. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
To the contrary… you absolutely have a right to expect something in return from your spouse. She made promises to you, too, and you have every right to expect her to make a good faith effort to keep them. If she knowingly or unknowingly had no intention to keep her wedding vows from the start, there is no marriage. (By unknowingly, I meant that she agreed without knowing or having the capacity to understand what it was that she was agreeing to. A promise from a pig to sprout wings and fly to the moon is no promise at all.)

For instance, if she refused to have sex with you or refused to have children, you wouldn’t have a valid marriage. If she went into the marriage with the plan to abuse you, whether or not she understood it to be abuse, that could also be grounds for annulment. And so on.

Get help for your marriage, but do not assume that all the responsibility to make it work is yours alone. A sacramental marriage cannot work that way.
 
40.png
fcozen:
Being a practicing Catholic, i was thought to give 100% without expecting anything in return to our spouse. And to lead by example. In my case, my wife is a non-practicing christian, not Catholic. Recently, she said that she regreted in chosing me as her husband and also hates my blood family without valid grounds. She constantly finds fault for the sake of finding fault and quick to criticize. We have been married for 11 years and i dont know if we will ever reach the 12th. My brother went through divorce early this year and i dont want the same predicament for our kids. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
I have a question - was your wife a non-practicing Christian when you met and married?

You may need to look into counselling for yourself - and I understand you can find Catholic therapists who can help you and honor your committment to your faith and the teachings of the Holy Mother Church. It may take some digging on your part, but I would still look into it.

It is very difficult to be the St. Monica in a family - but you may also want to speak to your spiritual advisor/priest about how to increase your prayer life and how that can help you help your children deal with the problems your wife has in being a part of the family.

You are in my prayers. This must be very, very painful for you.
 
40.png
LSK:
I have a question - was your wife a non-practicing Christian when you met and married?

You may need to look into counselling for yourself - and I understand you can find Catholic therapists who can help you and honor your committment to your faith and the teachings of the Holy Mother Church. It may take some digging on your part, but I would still look into it.

It is very difficult to be the St. Monica in a family - but you may also want to speak to your spiritual advisor/priest about how to increase your prayer life and how that can help you help your children deal with the problems your wife has in being a part of the family.

You are in my prayers. This must be very, very painful for you.
Click to expand...
My wife was regularly attending their sunday service prior to and deteriorated later on after we got married. Indeed it was painful and it will be painful nontheless if i think about it but i dont. HE allowed this to happen because HE knows that with HIS grace, i can more than bear this and i have. I cant give up on my wife even if i wanted to and i will continue to seek spiritual strength and guidance from all of you faithful servants of our Lord, a good counselor or our parish priest. Thank you all for your advice and prayers.
 
Is there someone who could slip her Dr. Laura’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?”

This book might help her understand how her verbal abuse effects you and your marriage, and maybe she’d be willing to try it.
 
40.png
BLB_Oregon:
For instance, if she refused to have sex with you or refused to have children, you wouldn’t have a valid marriage. If she went into the marriage with the plan to abuse you, whether or not she understood it to be abuse, that could also be grounds for annulment. And so on.

Get help for your marriage, but do not assume that all the responsibility to make it work is yours alone. A sacramental marriage cannot work that way.
Click to expand...
I agree with the advice to get help and not take 100% of the responsibility, but I would be cautious when laying out formulas for valid marriages. Someone who refuses to have sex or children with their spouse is not making their marriage invalid.

While a spouse should be faithful to the vows and promises made on his/her wedding day, being “unfaithful” is not grounds for an annulment. An annulment is a declaration of the Church that no marriage ever existed because something was missing on the wedding day.
 
40.png
fcozen:
My wife was regularly attending their sunday service prior to and deteriorated later on after we got married. Indeed it was painful and it will be painful nontheless if i think about it but i dont. HE allowed this to happen because HE knows that with HIS grace, i can more than bear this and i have. I cant give up on my wife even if i wanted to and i will continue to seek spiritual strength and guidance from all of you faithful servants of our Lord, a good counselor or our parish priest. Thank you all for your advice and prayers.
Click to expand...
I’ll keep you in my prayers, my brother. You sound like a good, Catholic man. Your children need you, and so does your wife. Stay close to Christ, go to Mass and receive the Eucharist as often as you can and keep praying!
 
I will pray for you and your family.

As far as advice, I have just ‘skimmed’ the thread, so forgive me if this is redundant:

Maybe you would personally be helped by the spiritual direction of a good priest. Over and above therapy, a good priest, especially your confessor, would have your best interests at heart, and would be able to counsel you on the moral, practical, and spiritual aspects of your situation. He might be able to suggest something that would be appealing also to your wife, rather than to force a primarily Catholic solution on her. There are many interdemoninational organizations and books out there for marriages in trouble, as well as even some secular ones that have very good results, and you would be able to apply these principals to your own spiritual life, while offering them to your wife on the merit of the non-Catholic authority, if that would be more palatable to her.

Also, don’t be afraid to ask for prayers for a ‘special intention’ through your local parish or any other group. If you are close to a convent or monastery, it would benefit you to request the prayers of the religious for your marriage, and for God’s Will in all things.

May God bless you and keep you, and guide you safely through these difficult times!
 
40.png
fcozen:
Being a practicing Catholic, i was thought to give 100% without expecting anything in return to our spouse. And to lead by example. In my case, my wife is a non-practicing christian, not Catholic. Recently, she said that she regreted in chosing me as her husband and also hates my blood family without valid grounds. She constantly finds fault for the sake of finding fault and quick to criticize. We have been married for 11 years and i dont know if we will ever reach the 12th. My brother went through divorce early this year and i dont want the same predicament for our kids. Any ideas?
Click to expand...
There could be different causes for her verbal abuse towards you:

#1. If she experienced this type of abuse from her own family, it could be that it’s learned behavior. She could be hurting herself from abusive parents.

#2. She really means the things that she is saying and either wants you to change or she wants out of the marriage.

#3 She wants more attention from you and doesn’t know how to get it.

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. No one should have to endure what you are going through.

:blessyou:
 
40.png
fcozen:
She is also not too keen with any counseling program. The more so if she finds out that it has a Catholic link to it.
Click to expand...
Go ahead and get help for yourself. My dh is ADD and can be quite difficult. He’s not keen on talking about how is ADD affects me or our marriage, so I am seeing a counselor in order to deal with it. Seems backwards, doesn’t it? Nonetheless, I can only change my behavior, so I’m getting help. —KCT
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top