Will I always be so broken?

[Auntie_A]

**

Now that I went through and responded to certain posts directly, I just wanted to say thank-you to everyone who responded, for your kindness and understanding and encouragement. I keep hoping that God will heal me of my abandonment issues and my incorrect understanding of His love. Maybe He will one day? Or might there be a reason why He never will in this life? I do have a concern that my issues will lead me to despair. I have been told that to be guilty of despair in one’s final moments, even after a lifetime of obedience and love for God, is enough to damn a soul. Frankly, considering my weakness, I know I am in serious danger of failing at such a crucial moment, and that terrifies me.

I strongly believe that many of us project our own experience with our parents onto our relationship with God. When we reach an impasse, frequently it is because we need to identify the old hurts and neglects, forgive, and break free to a new way of receiving God. God is there to help us through these blocks.

 

[UnumCorpus]

:console:

I am so sorry for your fear and sadness, mommamaree. Your posts often have such Christ-like kindness and empathy, and I see them as reflections of God’s love.

Remember that it is not a sin to doubt. Even very holy people have also struggled with despair and doubt, including Blessed Mother Theresa. Many saints have also committed grievous sins. St Peter denied Christ, St Paul was a murderer, St Thomas doubted, St Augustine was a fornicator. Yet God still chose to love them and use them. He chose to call us His sons and daughters!

Your desperate longing of an indescribable joy is what is termed as* sehnsucht*. C.S. Lewis wrote extensively on this otherworldly longing. Sehnsucht is a longing for Heaven. To quote from his book “The Great Divorce”:

“Never fear. There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, ‘Thy will be done,’ and those to whom God says, in the end, ‘Thy will be done.’ All that are in Hell choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will ever miss it. Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened.”

Joy will come, but on God’s terms not ours. He gives us deserts to pass through, for reasons we do not yet understand. I will finish off with yet another quote from Lewis (this one from his book “A Grief Observed”). He wrote this while he was struggling with his faith during what was probably the most difficult part of his life:

“When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of ‘No answer.’ It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, ‘Peace, child; you don’t understand.’”

I am not very wise, but I hope this post has at least provided you with some encouragement. God bless you, mommamaree, you are in my prayers.

 

[montiqua]

I had to register so I could reply to you. I actually understand what you are saying but you are doing the right thing in loving God and praying even when you don’t have positive emotions or joy. This may even be a larger gift to God than a prayer that someone who finds it easy. It is hard to make a commitment to God when the emotional response or the consolation isn’t there but making the effort and slogging through is a great gift to God. He sees you, He knows.

I kind of smiled when I read what you said about St. John of the Cross, I too used to think that I could never bear what many saints have borne but through my journey I have realized that **I ** couldn’t do it but God could give me what I needed and He would never give me too much to bear.

When I find myself in trials or dark despair I repeat over and over again, “This too shall pass.” and one day it dawns on me that it has passed and I got through it. I also find things to thank God for every day. I look for the little things, the rainbows, the smiles, the opportunities that God gives me to help others…

I just counseled my granddaughter about this for her boyfriend and it is the advice I gave myself many years ago. I feel that God led me here to your post because I don’t often come here.

About your upbringing, you need to forgive your parents. They did the best they could with what they had, were they crazy? mean? neglectful? Did they abandon you? abuse you? (I really don’t want you to answer this part unless you want to talk about it)

I know, it isn’t easy to do but with **an act of your will **you can forgive them and even if you are seething with anger or writhing with pain, you can say it, you can tell Jesus. You can tell Him that you don’t feel like forgiving, you can tell Him that you are inclined to hate them or are frightened of them or whatever your feeling for them is, you can tell Him and you can give it to Him and after you do it, those feelings will still be around but when they rear their ugly heads you remember that you forgave, that you gave that festering wound to Jesus. Without a miracle deep wounds don’t heal overnight but Jesus will not leave you in despair if you trust in Him.

Talk to Mother Mary about your pain, she was a perfect mother. There is nothing God doesn’t know about you, tell Him everything, even the negative because He already knows about it.

These dark nights can refine our souls into pure gold if we cooperate with God. Someday you will look back on these feelings and smile, you are a babe in God’s hand and He won’t drop you.

 

[Robert_Sock]

in5d.com/dark-night-of-the-soul.html

This article may be helpful

LOVE!

 

[ClaireS]

The book Unbound may help you to bring some of these feelings to Our Lord for healing. Depression or distress isn’t the same as despair. Don’t give up.

 

[ready]

I am so weary of my brokenness. I feel so utterly damaged, like someone took my soul and smashed it to pieces, and now I will live as broken shards for the rest of my life, with only a shred of hope for peace and joy after this life, if only I can do my very very best to avoid hell and make it to Purgatory.

Won’t God ever heal me, just enough so that terror and fear are not my constant companions?

Take refuge in the Sacred Heart of Jesus and have a strong devotion to His Sacred Heart. If you do not know how to, I strongly suggest that you read *Devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus *by Fr. John Croiset, S.J… Please read this excellent book! Be sure to pray your rosary every day, recommending yourself to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asking her for healing, etc… If you take refuge in the Sacred Heart of Jesus with a strong devotion to Him, and recommend yourself often to Mary, and pray your rosary fervently every day for help, strength, healing, etc., then you will be able to arrive at deep inner peace and joy found only in the love of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and of the Immaculate Heart of Mary. God bless you.