Will Retrovaille help us?

[nana3]

I am 46 years old and have been in peri-menopause for about two years now. This past year has been the worse. I have terrible mood swings. I feel depressed, angry, like crying all at once or at different times. The worse is when I get into a rage. That just happened in the last three or four months. I have been reading about hormones and last year, I did mention all this to my doctor during my annual Gyn visit. She would not order any hormone checks and just said, “It is obvious your hormones are unbalanced.” and left it at that. Well, I am goin to see someone else this Wednesday for it is affecting my marriage. Right now, I am very depressed, but I can get angry real fast. Anyway, my husband doesn’t understand and thinks we need marriage counseling. I told him to wait until I can get this doctor to order my blood work to see what my hormone levels are and how she would balance them, but I want to do it naturally too. He doesn’t want to wait anymore. He signed us up for Retrovaille at the end of this month.

We have more problems than just my hormones. He has his problems that I have had to deal with for 13 years. My husband has control impulse disorder and he may have bipolar disorder or borderline disorder. So far no psychiatrist will diagnose him with this for he only sees the veteran affairs doctors and he only sees that doctor every three months. That doctor only thinks he has severe depression. Before this new psychiatrist, I brought a recording I made of my husband during one of his rage and that psycharitrist wondered if he had bipolar. See they can’t diagnose him if he is not telling them the truth and I go in with him once in a while to tell them how he is at home and they put him on more medication, but this new psychiatrist just told me that anger just may be part of my husband’s personality. My husband has improved from day one of our marriage to now, 13 years on married. He is on three antidepressants and in my opinion over medicated. He feels he needs that to stay married to me. He takes whatever the doctors give him without any questions as to what the meds are for and their side effects. I am the opposite but then I use to be a nurse.

Anyway, my things is this. I have been reluctant to go to any therapist because we have seen so many and it hasn’t helped because my husband does not “get it” because I honestly don’t think he understands his problems. By the way, he was abused of physically as a child and sexually molested by a teen when he was 8 years old. I did not know any of this until after I married him. I think our problems are more complex than a weekend can solve or a series of six week can solve. I do not know what is entailed at Retrovaille but for those of you who have gone and with the history of what is going on in my marriage with my husbands mental health and my hormone problems, is this weekend going to help us?

Any advice will be helpful. Thanks and God Bless. By the way, my husband is really trying to help us have a holy marriage and that is what I have wanted from day one, but I have felt indifference now, and I don’t know if it is my hormones or the many years I have tried for this and he laughed at me about it all. I just had given up, but since he is now wanting it and I use to want it and still do, but don’t seem to care now, I just wonder if it is my hormones for nothing seems to matter to me anymore. I just feel blue.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

1. Get a new doctor ASAP. You need to be tested for hormones and given treatment if needed. I was postmenopausal at age 40, it happens, for various reasons.
2. Go to Retrouvaille. It will help you two learn a different way to communicate, it cannot hurt, and it shows your husband you are willing to hang in and improve the marriage.
3. When you go to the new doctor, tell him you are depressed (I am not a physician but I have chronic depression and “not caring” is one of my first symptoms if I am not medicated) and get on medications ASAP. The faster you get treated, the less likely your depression is to recur.
4. Pray for your husband’s mental and emotional stability.
5. I will add you to my prayers.

 

[rosschaert]

I did Retrouvaille with my former husband. It was very helpful with communication issues. It sounds as if you have a few things going on.

From what you have said , you do sound depressed. So medication will help with that. Different doctors are willing to do different things with hormone issues. Just be sure that you understand the bad and the good with treatment options.

There is no “perfect” time for Retrouvaille. It is intense. Communicating is a major issue and if you could understand where you are and he can understand what you are feeling about yourself and about him, it really does help.

It did work for us for a time but during the post sessions, he regressed to former communication problems. I give the process good marks!

 

[nana3]

We went to Retrovaille and it was a success. It helped us so much. When we got home the real world was waiting for us and back we were to arguing. We argue mostly on disciplining our daughter. We argued most of the week, but continued with what we were suppose to do all week. We had our first post session today and that went well. The couple we most related to said they would be our lifeline if we needed help. My husband is having problems expressing feelings. If I say anything, he gets upset. Maybe if someone helps him, it won’t be so bad.

We have a long ways to go. I know I am still depressed. I talked to the couple I related to the most, the wife and she said it is because of years of verbal and emotional abuse. I was beaten down. She told me it was going to take for me to heal but it was possible. Please pray for our marriage. My husband needs healing from his childhood and my daughter and I need healing from his verbal and emotional abuse we had to deal wit

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We went to Retrovaille and it was a success. It helped us so much. When we got home the real world was waiting for us and back we were to arguing. We argue mostly on disciplining our daughter. We argued most of the week, but continued with what we were suppose to do all week. We had our first post session today and that went well. The couple we most related to said they would be our lifeline if we needed help. My husband is having problems expressing feelings. If I say anything, he gets upset. Maybe if someone helps him, it won’t be so bad.

We have a long ways to go. I know I am still depressed. I talked to the couple I related to the most, the wife and she said it is because of years of verbal and emotional abuse. I was beaten down. She told me it was going to take for me to heal but it was possible. Please pray for our marriage. My husband needs healing from his childhood and my daughter and I need healing from his verbal and emotional abuse we had to deal wit

So glad to hear that you did get some help from the workshop and first follow-up! Having a mentor couple, I have heard, can be very helpful if you and your husband are open to their advice.

Have you been able to see a doctor about your depression and hormones yet?

 

[PaulGH]

Yes, go to Retrouvaille. It will probably help, and I highly doubt that it would hurt. Regardless of what your problems are, whether they are hormonal (in your case), psychological (in your husband’s case), or anything else pertaining to one or both of you, Retrouvaille has a lot of potential to help the two of you work together to overcome those problems, and to start the process of healing any wounds in your marriage. No, it won’t solve everything, but it can put you on a path to making things better in your marriage, regardless of what kind of problems you are having.

 

[nana3]

So glad to hear that you did get some help from the workshop and first follow-up! Having a mentor couple, I have heard, can be very helpful if you and your husband are open to their advice.

Have you been able to see a doctor about your depression and hormones yet?

Yes, I have all my hormones, female ones at least and my TSH, and T3 and T4 checked and all were normal. I did talk to that couple who will be helping us and asked the woman if she has experienced what I am going through. I go from anger to depression. She said she did and it is because of the years of abuse from my husband, the verbal abuse has beaten me down. This was my way of handling it. She told me it was going to take time to heal. I did ask this couple if counseling would help and I asked my confessor as well. The couple said they did not believe too much in counseling and it could lead to divorce. I know this to be true for I have been afraid to go for in the past when I have gone, they all said the same thing, “Get a divorce.” My confessor told me to find a couple from Retrovaille that could help us and be our mentor and help us and had the most in common with us and this couple does. The man was very verbally abusive to his wife for years and she just took it and got angrier. She also got depressed. He had his addictions and my dh does too. So they have some things in common even though the addictions are different, he talked yesterday in the post that the anger he had was alike a demon in him and he almost enjoyed it and fed it. I asked my husband afterwards if he could relate and he said yes. He admited he has felt just like this man has felt. So they do share a lot in common of at least where this man use to be and where he is now. What I like too is that this man relies on God for strength too and my dh is there already, but he is too rigid and if possible addicted to religion. There is religion and spirituality. He has grown spiritually and I have seen a huge improvement since he is doing two Holy Hours a week now, but he has to buy so so many Catholic books, litany books etc. It is excessive. I can’t tell you how many chaplets he has. Oh well, I just hope this couple can help us on other issues that are causing us more problems like our daughter for we differ on discipline there so much. They said they were in the same boat years ago.

Keep us in your prayers. By the way, the woman of the couple mentoring us told me my depression will get better when we get better in our marriage and the healing begins, but said if I needed medications to go see a doctor.

 

[nana3]

So glad to hear that you did get some help from the workshop and first follow-up! Having a mentor couple, I have heard, can be very helpful if you and your husband are open to their advice.

Have you been able to see a doctor about your depression and hormones yet?

Yes, I have all my hormones, female ones at least and my TSH, and T3 and T4 checked and all were normal. I did talk to that couple who will be helping us and asked the woman if she has experienced what I am going through. I go from anger to depression. She said she did and it is because of the years of abuse from my husband, the verbal abuse has beaten me down. This was my way of handling it. She told me it was going to take time to heal. I did ask this couple if counseling would help and I asked my confessor as well. The couple said they did not believe too much in counseling and it could lead to divorce. I know this to be true for I have been afraid to go for in the past when I have gone, they all said the same thing, “Get a divorce.” My confessor told me to find a couple from Retrovaille that could help us and be our mentor and help us and had the most in common with us and this couple does. The man was very verbally abusive to his wife for years and she just took it and got angrier. She also got depressed. He had his addictions and my dh does too. So they have some things in common even though the addictions are different, he talked yesterday in the post that the anger he had was alike a demon in him and he almost enjoyed it and fed it. I asked my husband afterwards if he could relate and he said yes. He admited he has felt just like this man has felt. So they do share a lot in common of at least where this man use to be and where he is now. What I like too is that this man relies on God for strength too and my dh is there already, but he is too rigid and if possible addicted to religion. There is religion and spirituality. He has grown spiritually and I have seen a huge improvement since he is doing two Holy Hours a week now, but he has to buy so so many Catholic books, litany books etc. It is excessive. I can’t tell you how many chaplets he has. Oh well, I just hope this couple can help us on other issues that are causing us more problems like our daughter for we differ on discipline there so much. They said they were in the same boat years ago.

Keep us in your prayers. By the way, the woman of the couple mentoring us told me my depression will get better when we get better in our marriage and the healing begins, but said if I needed medications to go see a doctor.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Just keep aware of the physical issues, and when your doctor says “normal,” ask for the exact lab values. The “normal” range for TSH has been revised downward but some doctors may not know it. Normal for you may not be the high end of the scale.

As for healing depression when your marriage gets better, to a certain extent, this will be true. But the longer you have been depressed, the more your brain adjusts to that condition, and you can no longer make the mood-lifting chemicals needed to really get back to 100%. That is the way I have had it explained to me. That as nearly as researchers can tell, if the depression is caught early and treated, the brain can recover more quickly and more permanently than if the depression goes on for years, or if the person goes in and out of major depressive episodes throughout life. You can still get good results from anti-depressants, it’s just much more likely that you will need them for a longer time or possibly the rest of your life. I am not sure if that is the case, or if the medications themselves, taken for a long time, “teach” the brain not to make the right chemicals.

Whatever the cause, please keep tabs on your emotional state and do see a doctor if you continue to be angry and depressed.

I will add you and your family to my prayers!

 

[nana3]

Just keep aware of the physical issues, and when your doctor says “normal,” ask for the exact lab values. The “normal” range for TSH has been revised downward but some doctors may not know it. Normal for you may not be the high end of the scale.

As for healing depression when your marriage gets better, to a certain extent, this will be true. But the longer you have been depressed, the more your brain adjusts to that condition, and you can no longer make the mood-lifting chemicals needed to really get back to 100%. That is the way I have had it explained to me. That as nearly as researchers can tell, if the depression is caught early and treated, the brain can recover more quickly and more permanently than if the depression goes on for years, or if the person goes in and out of major depressive episodes throughout life. You can still get good results from anti-depressants, it’s just much more likely that you will need them for a longer time or possibly the rest of your life. I am not sure if that is the case, or if the medications themselves, taken for a long time, “teach” the brain not to make the right chemicals.

Whatever the cause, please keep tabs on your emotional state and do see a doctor if you continue to be angry and depressed.

I will add you and your family to my prayers!

I believe in what you said and I will keep an eye on it all. If I feel that I continue with depression, I will go get help. I have in the past and it helped a lot. That you so much for you caring words and concern. Thank your for your continued prayers for me and my family too. We sure do need them. May the Lord bless you for all your kindness. God Bless you.

 

[puzzleannie]

Retrouvaille will help any troubled marriage but it won’t by itself solve problems that need medical or psychiatric intervention. If you try one without the other you are not using all the gifts God has given to meet these challenges.

 

[nana3]

We have been using Retrovaille for some time now and we continue to have problems. We argue mostly over discipline of our dd. We are not on the same page. We have also have not been talking about our feelings as we should. I have had the flu now for two weeks. My dd is now sick with it and I am still not up to good health. My dh wants a trial separation. I told him to just go if that is what he wants. I know we need counseling, but we have had it so much in the past and it doesn’t help. My dh is in counseling himself for his mental problems. Maybe, it is me. I don’t know anymore. He says I don’t support him with our dd, but some of what he ask of her is just unreasonable. I try to support him as much as possible and I have even calmed down and not cussed at him in over a month, but he has not even noticed. Today we talked and he said he can’t talk to me because I will get angry and cuss at him. I didn’t get angry, but was disappointed and told him that I have not cussed at him in months. I talked to a holy priest who told me to say over and over again, “Lord, take guard over my lips.” It works. I don’t cuss. It hurts that he has not noticed this change in our marriage for it is an improvement. He is getting angrier and angrier but I can’t help him there. That is why I told him to go if he wants to even though I don’t think a separation will help. He said he wants to leave to teach us a lesson that we need him. I don’t know if that will work, for he sleeps all day and is up all niight watching TV. I pretty much do everything already myself. I even taked out the garage. He always forgets.

He asked me today if I loved him. I told him that I do, but that I need healing from the past. He was verbally abusive to me for more than 10 years and that will take time. He has an angry personality. He use to be unempathetic and didn’t care. So I have a lot of feelings we should be working on and we are not. He just seems to angry to work on them.

Please pray for us. Anyone out there who has gone through the program whose dh had an angry personality? Did the program work for you?