Will the truth tear my family apart?

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Love2Bstraight

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Hello,

I hope I am writing in the correct forum. As you can tell from my username I am a guy secretly struggling with same sex attraction. I’ve had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I’ve been to hell and back with it, it’s constantly on my mind and I worry about my future all the time. I simply cannot help it. All I want in the world is to be rid of it.

I am a practicing Catholic born to very strong Catholic parents. We are a large family of 10 siblings. Over the past few years I’ve always wondered about some of my brothers and whether they struggle with the same problem. To cut a long story short, I now know that three of them do. That makes 4 in total which just blows my mind. I hate to think of them struggling with the same horrible feelings I have. I pray that I could take all their struggles on my shoulders but I know that that is never going to happen.

Lately all of these feelings have been building up inside of me and I feel like I might just be about ready to explode. The most difficult thing is living with this secret, keeping it from your friends and family and the heartache at knowing I cannot have a regular life with a wife and kids. What makes it worse is knowing that my brothers who I love dearly must also be experiencing the same. Even writing that is so weird for me. How something like that can be inflicted on so many people of the same family is just bewildering.

My issue right now is whether to come out altogether and tell people, whether to come out secretly to my brothers or to just go on like this. I know in my heart and soul that coming out will change our lives forever. My mom would be inconsolable and my dad would not be able to take the news at all. It would also alter the relationship I have with my brothers so much, from being buds to being really awkward with each other. I am fairly certain i am the only one who knows that there are 4 of us. The others think that they are the only one.

I am going on pilgrimage next week to pray about what to do. This is such a huge deal for me and I do not know what is the best course of action. Any advice appreciated.

God bless.
 
We worry so much about sex, but who we are is so much more than our attractions, fantasies, fears, and desires.

I have no answers for you. A lot will depend on your family.

Praying for you.
 
How do you KNOW thare are 4 of you all with SSA? Did each of your siblings secretly confide in you or are you just making assumptions about each of them?
 
There are definitely men on this forum who have embraced the cross that you and your brothers bear, and who live out the fullness of a faithful Catholic life according to their state in life. I believe there is actually a support group for such men within this forum. I will poke around and see if I can find it. That is probably your best bet as far as getting practical advice such as you seek. I can’t imagine maintaining the status quo is an acceptable option given the tone of your post, but I have not borne this particular cross.
 
Why live with this silently. If your arm was broke you would go to a doctor to find out how to heal it. Seek out reparative therapy. find a counselor with a Catholic mind set if you can. You don’t have to tell every one about your struggles, any more than you would tell every one about financial problems. I would only share with those likely to help me to be a better Catholic.

Many have found counseling to help them over come same sex attraction, & develop a heterosexual world view & life style. It’s healthy, and a good life. There are a lot of positives about the single life too. Let God heal you, and lead you into the best life for you!

May God Bless & lead you all the days of your life, my friend. 🙂
 
If I were in your place, I would tell them.

This could be extremely upsetting for them, and it will take courage for you to do it, but it would not be selfish to do this. Christians are not islands in an ocean. We help each other, and although you might cause your parents pain, it will be beneficial pain. People that go through life without struggle are often left spiritually shallow. This is an opportunity for them to deepen their faith in God, and for you to deepen your own faith, as you tell them about this cross of yours. It seems terrifying now but I believe once you do this a great deal of your anxiety will finally be freed, and it will encourage any other siblings struggling with it to do likewise.
 
7armyrugrats said:
How do you KNOW thare are 4 of you all with SSA? Did each of your siblings secretly confide in you or are you just making assumptions about each of them?
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I don’t need to delve into how I know here 7armyrugrats but I know. I wouldn’t be on here if I wasn’t sure of it. Thanks
 
TK421 said:
If I were in your place, I would tell them.

This could be extremely upsetting for them, and it will take courage for you to do it, but it would not be selfish to do this. Christians are not islands in an ocean. We help each other, and although you might cause your parents pain, it will be beneficial pain. People that go through life without struggle are often left spiritually shallow. This is an opportunity for them to deepen their faith in God, and for you to deepen your own faith, as you tell them about this cross of yours. It seems terrifying now but I believe once you do this a great deal of your anxiety will finally be freed, and it will encourage any other siblings struggling with it do likewise.
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Thank you. It is terrifying.
 
I think if I was in your shoes I would ask myself this:
Will coming out to these people hurt them or help them?
Hurt me or help me?
Do I plan to act on the SSA? If not, then what’s the point in coming out to anyone, except maybe your priest who can offer guidance.
I hope you are able to discern God’s will for you in this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to live with this struggle.
God bless you and guide you always.
 
aemcpa said:
That’s not shady at all…
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It’s not shady. Does everything need to be put out in an open forum. I thought this was a place people could go to for Catholic advice. Didn’t realise I would be called upon to explain minor details.
 
DaddyGirl said:
Hey L2BS…

If I may ask…how old are you and your brothers?
In general…without giving away more than you’d want to…are you all of adult age?

(I’d like to give you my two-cents on this, but your approx ages would influence what I’d say…)

.
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Hello. Yes we are all of adult age. In our twenties. Thanks.
 
Love2Bstraight said:
It’s not shady. Does everything need to be put out in an open forum. I thought this was a place people could go to for Catholic advice. Didn’t realise I would be called upon to explain minor details.
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It seems you did not across this information by being informed first-hand by any of your brothers. The means by which you obtained this information is therefore relevant to how people would advise you regarding whether and how to bring it up to your brothers.
 
IrishRush said:
I think if I was in your shoes I would ask myself this:
Will coming out to these people hurt them or help them?
Hurt me or help me?
Do I plan to act on the SSA? If not, then what’s the point in coming out to anyone, except maybe your priest who can offer guidance.
I hope you are able to discern God’s will for you in this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is to live with this struggle.
God bless you and guide you always.
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Thank you.

You see I know one of them is secretly engaged in that lifestyle. And I know another one views indecent material. And I am afraid for their souls. But confronting them on this changes the dynamic of our relationship forever. It would be much easier if they were engaged in something else like drugs or alcohol or living an unchaste life with women or something. But this is just so awkward that it scares me to bring it up. It will be life changing.

I know it’s cliche to say “you wouldn’t understand” etc but I think maybe it’'s hard to imagine yourself in this situation. My family are so Catholic, we are really involved with our Church, prominent in the community etc. The effects it will have scare me.
 
aemcpa said:
It seems you did not across this information by being informed first-hand by any of your brothers. The means by which you obtained this information is therefore relevant to how people would advise you regarding whether and how to bring it up to your brothers.
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If you must know my suspicions about one was confirmed through a third party, I saw indecent material on another one’s phone and the other one in a state of drunken sleep talk “confessed” to me although I’m pretty sure he does not remember it and if he does he has never brought it up again or acted like something was different i.e still talks about liking girls etc. Not saying this outright is not “Shady” in my opinion. I’m not here for an argument.
 
Love2Bstraight said:
If you must know my suspicions about one was confirmed through a third party, I saw indecent material on another one’s phone and the other one in a state of drunken sleep talk “confessed” to me although I’m pretty sure he does not remember it and if he does he has never brought it up again or acted like something was different i.e still talks about liking girls etc. Not saying this outright is not “Shady” in my opinion. I’m not here for an argument.
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I’m not trying to argue. It’s relevant how you came about the information. If, for example, you came about it via a broken confidentiality or a deliberate violation of privacy, that’s a lot different than if you inadvertently discovered something or legitimately confirmed a suspicion through someone not bound to confidence.

Are your brothers devout, believing Catholics as well?
 
Unless you normally run around “coming out” about every temptation you have ever had to everyone in your family, why do so about this issue? I feel quite certain you do not divulge every sin you have ever been tempted by, so why is this one any different. As you have stated that you are a practicing Catholic, you need not “confess” a feeling or a thought at any time. Talk to your confessor, frequent the sacraments and get on with your life. You are called to chastity whether you can understand this or not. Thinking about sex all the time is not of any help to you. You are dabbling in the idea of acting on your feelings and the longer you obsess on this point the more likely you are to begin acting out on it. Feelings are not facts. Get involved in something meaningful, like service work, and stop the obsessing.
 
Love2Bstraight said:
Hello,

I hope I am writing in the correct forum. As you can tell from my username I am a guy secretly struggling with same sex attraction. I’ve had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I’ve been to hell and back with it, it’s constantly on my mind and I worry about my future all the time. I simply cannot help it. All I want in the world is to be rid of it.

I am a practicing Catholic born to very strong Catholic parents. We are a large family of 10 siblings. Over the past few years I’ve always wondered about some of my brothers and whether they struggle with the same problem. To cut a long story short, I now know that three of them do. That makes 4 in total which just blows my mind. I hate to think of them struggling with the same horrible feelings I have. I pray that I could take all their struggles on my shoulders but I know that that is never going to happen.

Lately all of these feelings have been building up inside of me and I feel like I might just be about ready to explode. The most difficult thing is living with this secret, keeping it from your friends and family and the heartache at knowing I cannot have a regular life with a wife and kids. What makes it worse is knowing that my brothers who I love dearly must also be experiencing the same. Even writing that is so weird for me. How something like that can be inflicted on so many people of the same family is just bewildering.

My issue right now is whether to come out altogether and tell people, whether to come out secretly to my brothers or to just go on like this. I know in my heart and soul that coming out will change our lives forever. My mom would be inconsolable and my dad would not be able to take the news at all. It would also alter the relationship I have with my brothers so much, from being buds to being really awkward with each other. I am fairly certain i am the only one who knows that there are 4 of us. The others think that they are the only one.

I am going on pilgrimage next week to pray about what to do. This is such a huge deal for me and I do not know what is the best course of action. Any advice appreciated.

God bless.
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If I were in your place, I would probably come out to my brothers, at least the ones who are gay, so that you can support each other and not feel so isolated and alone. You may then wish to discuss with them whether you should come out to your other siblings and your parents. It is often a great relief for a gay person to come out to their immediate family instead of harboring this secret, and, although sometimes you may think they will reject you, in fact you may be surprised that their love for you overrides everything else. Beyond your family, I do not think it is necessary to come out to the whole world all at once. Maybe you can to close friends, but you must be the judge of that. It is not that sexuality is all there is to anyone’s life; nonetheless, despite what some others may say, it is a significant part of one’s identity. With regard to acting on your SSA, if you wish to remain true to your faith, you will have to find a way of bearing this cross. I would advise that you speak to a priest as well as a counselor or psychotherapist about your thoughts and feelings. Of course, prayer is always beneficial as well.
 
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