Will the truth tear my family apart?

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I agree with the posters that say tell your priest and your priest alone. There is no reason to upset your parents. If you are not planning to abandon your faith in favor of the company of men (sexually) then there is no reason to “come out”. Go to Courage meetings, and talk to your priest. How would “coming out” make the situation better? Your parents don’t need to walk on egg shells around you, or be uncomfortable, or upset. I’m sure they support and love you already as their son and unless you are planning on leaving the faith, joining the practicing homosexuals, and wish them to support that (because they love you-which many homosexuals come out to their parents to convert them to support them because they know that their loving parents won’t abandon them in that case causing the parents to choose them over their faith) I wouldn’t tell your family. The problem that you are dealing with is best dealt with by a Catholic Counselor (one on one), Courage, and your priest not by making it a public attention thing. This is private matter, who you are sexually attracted to is a private matter it’s no one else’s business. Your brothers need your support to stay pure (like reiterating that homosexuality is sinful, and those that struggle should go to Courage to get help to stay pure-which can be mentioned on the general subject of homosexuality without including them personally in the conversation.)

The fact that you feel like you are going to “explode” means you need help now before your thoughts move into actions.
 
I agree, the OP should not only tell his parents, but tell them first even before going to a priest. Look on the Courage website, see if you can find guidance there on how to best tell people closest to you about your struggles.

It would be best to go to your parents even before you speak to your brothers, there are things they know about your brothers that you don’t (and vice versa) so speaking with your parents first is very wise.

Your parents love you and want to lift the cross you carry so as to lighten your grief and pain. You do not need to suffer alone, they see your angst, let them help you first. The only people I would recommend that you talk to first would be a counselor at Courage, call them for guidance should you need help gathering your thoughts. Their motto is “You Don’t Have To Make This Journey Alone.” I have no doubt that they can refer you to a Catholic counselor in your area that you can establish a relationship with. So many people at CAF are praying for you… don’t isolate yourself, don’t despair, and never stop praying.

The Courage Central Office can be reached at:

Courage International, Inc.
8 Leonard Street
Norwalk, CT 06850

Phone: (203) 803-1564
 
First I want to say thank you for posting this. You have a tremendous strength and yes, right now things seem horrible. But this is the first step and I am positive God is sitting in heaven looking at you saying ‘Good, job kept coming to me and I will help’

A lot of people have encouraged you to tell your parents and brothers. My very strong opinion is please DON"T.

It doesn’t matter when you tell your parents, this will come as a shock to them. And in the heat of the moment they will react (maybe later they will think about what they did, and apologize but maybe they won’t). And their reaction WILL hurt you. You do NOT need anymore pain.

First pray to God to lead you to an understanding priest or support group. Come out to them first. Get some healing for your pain and build strength before decided to tell your parents and brothers.

Sure in theory a lot of people say ‘I want to help my kid’. But that theory rarely plays out in real life. I strongly suspect that if you made it to your 20s and never told your parents, it is because deep down you know they will not understand. Just because they love you does not mean they are equipped to deal with this. Nor does it mean they want to. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. As a young adult, I had struggles and everyone encouraged me to talk about it with my parents. No one would believe me when I would say 'The last time I told my dad about a problem he called me a (insert derogatory name).

When you say ‘Should I tell my parents’, I honestly believe you are really saying ‘It hurts that I can not tell my parents’. It is your wisdom showing through that you know it is not safe to tell them.

As for your brothers, again, get some support from a priest or a self help group before telling them. Honestly, by the sounds of it, it appears they do not want help and want to engage in that lifestyle. They may see you as a nag for trying to change them, or you may fall to their influence to lead that lifestyle

Again, you are a strong man and I encourage you to seek a priest

Angie
 
Oh, and as for my personal advice…

I think you should come out as a homosexual who has made the choice to live chastely. I think it would feel extremely liberating, and you could be a great example to others who struggle with SSA.
 
DaddyGirl said:
I assume that unless your parents have been living in isolation…they do know that some people truly have SSA–and have had it, as you have, “for as long as they can remember”.
(I’m glad you pointed that out, by the way, because there are several on this forum who often doubt a person can have or has had these feelings from childhood onward and that nothing violent or disordered in their developmental years caused it)

If your parents truly are devout Catholics, then they would understand clearly and compassionately (and their priest will confirm this) that the Catholic church insists that to have SSA not a “sin”…and is to be considered, as someone else said here, “a cross to bear” and it is nothing to be ashamed of in any way for the family.

Because we all have crosses to bear, each challenging in their own way, none usually considered worse or more difficult than others.

Are you worried they will think something they did “caused” you to have SSA?

(They needn’t worry about not having grandchildren…someone out of the ten kids are bound to get married and have kids…)

Instead of making your relationship with your brothers “awkward”, I’d think talking about this with them might make your relationship even closer and stronger.

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DaddyGirl said:
The one thing I would add here, tho, is…that parents usually *want to help *their children if they are going through such an intense struggle.
They usually would want to know if their child is feeling as though “he’s about to explode” and is agonizing over something…they’d want to help.
And especially if the case is that four of them are struggling with the same issue, then all the more reason why talking to his brothers…and maybe his parents…might be helpful to him and to all of them.
It could “make the situation better” just by all of them talking about it.
Parents don’t usually want to be protected from knowing when their child is in turmoil or pain, do they?
Parents would give up their lives for their child!
If I was a parent and my child my child felt like he/she had “been to hell and back”, as the OP describes–about something and that “the most difficult thing is keeping it secret from the family”…as a parent, I would want my child to express their feelings openly to me and feel safe doing so, so that I could help them thru it.
If I was a parent and found out later that my child was in turmoil and was perhaps afraid to tell me about it fearing my reaction or trying to protect me so that I don’t feel “uncomfortable” around them…I’d feel awful about that.
The OP’s parents are at least in their Fifties/Sixties…they’ve lived life…they’ve had ten children…i think they are not so fragile that they cannot be strong enough to hear something that will “upset” them if it means helping their child?

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There is no reason this needs to tear your family apart.

First off, do not concern yourself with what your brothers are up to unless you are confronted with it. In that case, talk to them in private. Do not make it your business to decide who to tell about what they are doing or struggle with. The only exception is that if they become engaged to marry and you know for a fact that they have engaged in homosexual behaviors, you need to be certain this is disclosed to the woman they’ve asked to marry. The same would apply if they were to apply to a seminary. In other words, you only disclose this kind of information to someone who has a need and right to know it.

As for yourself, back up and realize that everyone has temptations. Everyone has some part of their temperament that uniquely leaves them open to certain temptations and yet also gives a particular opportunity for sanctity. The difference is that yours is a sin that is “in the limelight” right now. Maybe someone else in your family has a temptation to forget God and neighbor in a chase after wealth. Their big temptation, if indulged, might lead them to applause for their “success”, and perhaps less shock in your parents while they watched their child sell himself to worship a god of gold…but is still just as surely (and based on the Lord’s depiction of the sheep and the goats, perhaps even* more* surely) a road to perdition.

Make the decision of who to tell and what to tell them based on what is going to help you in your struggle against the sins that you feel prone to commit. Make it based on whether or not you believe the disclosure is going to help them get to heaven.

As for your parents, the way I would tell your mother (or your parents together) is to tell her that you want her prayers for you, so that you can overcome this, because a mother’s prayers are so powerful. I think she want you to ask her that, and not struggle with this alone! If you start off your disclosure, with “Mom, I need your prayers for something, something very difficult I have to cope with, because I don’t want to feel I’m going through this alone any more.” Start with wanting the prayers, and then tell her about the temptation. Tell her you do want to stay pure, which is why you need her help. Tell her that you alone need to decide who you do and do not want her to share this with…although of course you will also want to tell your father. Tell her that if she needs to talk to someone, she ought to ask you who you have decided to tell. In the meantime, she can talk to your dad and your pastor (or another priest).

Honestly, I think she will feel thankful that this is how you’ve decided to cope with this trial–that is, that you are not inclined to follow the current trend of embracing your temptation as your identity and the sin that goes with it as your birthright, and that you were willing to trust her to pray for you. I think that is exactly what she will do.

If she wants you to tell her whether your brothers share this same temptation, don’t go there. “Mom, it is not for me to tell you what sins the rest of the family is tempted towards or even which ones they commit. If they aren’t stealing from you or dad or bringing sin into your house, it isn’t for me to tell you or anyone else about the sins of others. That’s just respect for the reputation of others; I can’t get around that.”
 
For once in my life I agree with DaddyGirl. Parents love their children and you shouldn’t underestimate them by believing they should be kept in the dark for the sake of their own personal bliss and protection. They’re devout, mature adults and I’m sure they are ready and willing to help their children, even if it’s something as simple as allowing a secret burden to be exposed, which can help enormously with every and any struggle.

In more blunt terms: they are bound by God to do so. Contemporary society might treat older adults like useless antiques, but God does not.
 
For what it’s worth, I am aware of a family where the grandmother lived in a long-term same-sex relationship. One of her brothers was same-sex attracted. One of her sons (a devout Protestant) fathered two same-sex attracted children. (There were a total of five children in the family.) The grandmother had very little contact with the children.
In another case, in a devout Catholic family, three of four children turned out to have same-sex attraction.
In yet another case, a terminally ill mother told her adult children that she had been fighting same-sex attraction her whole life. (She had been married for 57 years.) One of her daughters had same-sex attraction.
Of course, this information is completely anecdotal. But I’m just putting it out there for discussion.
I’m not drawing conclusions – just offering information I know to be true.
 
TK421 said:
For once in my life I agree with DaddyGirl. Parents love their children and you shouldn’t underestimate them by believing they should be kept in the dark for the sake of their own personal bliss and protection. They’re devout, mature adults and I’m sure they are ready and willing to help their children, even if it’s something as simple as allowing a secret burden to be exposed, which can help enormously with every and any struggle.

In more blunt terms: they are bound by God to do so. Contemporary society might treat older adults like useless antiques, but God does not.
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I just want to say, when I was a young adult, a LOT of people told me my parents would love and support me and encouraged me to tell them things. I would open my heart up to my parents only to have my dad yell at me and make me feel dumb. Please, do NOT make the OP a promise you can not keep. You have NO way of knowing how the parents will react. It is easy for others to speak. However if the OP tells his parents and it does not go over well, the OP is the one who will suffer while everyone else sleeps soundly at night. Do NOT guarantee the OP it will go well. It might not
 
I agree with Deborah123 – If I were in that situation I would come out as homosexual, but just make it clear that you plan to remain chaste (assuming that is what you plan).

You should never have to hide your true self from the people you love. And coming out could prevent a lot of annoying, constant questions down the road about why you aren’t dating, when you plan to settle down, etc…

For the love of God, please don’t try that “pray away the gay” therapy stuff that someone else suggested. I think it’s been pretty well shown at this point that it’s both ineffective and psychologically damaging to try to bury your true feeling like that.

(Also, don’t forget that the Episcopal church has services that are very similar to Catholicism but is much more gay-friendly overall. I know that’s probably not a popular thing to point out on a Catholic forum, but something to keep in mind if you’re looking for support and not finding it)
 
Anglewannabe said:
I just want to say, when I was a young adult, a LOT of people told me my parents would love and support me and encouraged me to tell them things. I would open my heart up to my parents only to have my dad yell at me and make me feel dumb. Please, do NOT make the OP a promise you can not keep. You have NO way of knowing how the parents will react. It is easy for others to speak. However if the OP tells his parents and it does not go over well, the OP is the one who will suffer while everyone else sleeps soundly at night. Do NOT guarantee the OP it will go well. It might not
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I believe it will though, and I still think rejection is better than suppression. Success is great. Failure is good. Inaction is bad.

They might have a clumsy and clueless initial reaction, and it might be an awkward and bumpy road, but I am strongly confident that his parents will persevere and help him and love him. I was sold on that once I read the “10 kids” part.

@ the OP: I would recommend reading Chris Yuan’s book “Out of a Far Country”. Chris Yuan ended up becoming an evangelical Christian (from having no religion), but it is a very inspirational book and is not in any way in conflict with the Magisterium (that I can remember. I wasn’t converting at the time)
 
QuasiCatholic said:
I agree with Deborah123 – If I were in that situation I would come out as homosexual, but just make it clear that you plan to remain chaste (assuming that is what you plan).

You should never have to hide your true self from the people you love. And coming out could prevent a lot of annoying, constant questions down the road about why you aren’t dating, when you plan to settle down, etc…

For the love of God, please don’t try that “pray away the gay” therapy stuff that someone else suggested. I think it’s been pretty well shown at this point that it’s both ineffective and psychologically damaging to try to bury your true feeling like that…
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First off, there is no compulsion to “come out” about our feelings about anything, if we don’t want to. If we want to keep our feelings private, we are allowed to keep them private. We shouldn’t feel any shame that we have thoughts and feelings or even shocking past acts that we don’t choose to make the whole world privy to. So while it is OK to tell everyone we know if we feel same-sex attraction or suffer from bulima or covet the husband of our neighbor down the street or have always dreamed of getting rich enough so that we can just tell everyone else to go to H*&L or that we’re pregnant outside of marriage and don’t know what to do about it or occasionally skip Mass on Sunday and lie about it to our grandmothers when they ask or that we aren’t free to marry because we or our spouse ruined a valid marriage with a runaway alcohol addiction, it is also OK to keep those things private and share them only with those who will help us to do the right thing with our feelings and personal trials. It isn’t “repression” to choose our own level of privacy.

Having said that, we should not feel shame about our temptations, whether we tell people about them or not. There are many ways to cope with them, but we shouldn’t feel we’re a bad person for having them. Who knows why we have them? The answers are probably as many as there are people. Job never got to the bottom of that question, and many times we never know, either. I do mean to say, however, that keeping our trials quiet is our choice, it is not hypocrisy to keep them secret nor narcissism to talk about them, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed about what level of disclosure we choose for ourselves.
 
EasterJoy said:
First off, there is no compulsion to “come out” about our feelings about anything, if we don’t want to. .
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Also, I would like to add that perhaps the OP could help a lot of people by coming out. But he is not ready for that. His pain is too fresh and he needs to build strength in himself before trying to help someone else
 
TK421 said:
I believe it will though, and I still think rejection is better than suppression. Success is great. Failure is good. Inaction is bad.
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Just because you believe it will go well, is no guarantee it will. And if you think rejection is better than oppression, you should have said so in the first place. Nor promise how his parents will take the news without knowing for sure.

And I NEVER told him to not act. Seeking out a good priest is taking action. Telling ones parents is NOT the only form of action
TK421 said:
They might have a clumsy and clueless initial reaction, and it might be an awkward and bumpy road,
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And since the OP is the one who will travel that road, I believe he should make the decision when to tell and not be nagged to do it sooner than he is ready Or for that sake be told he will eventually have to tell when he is free to never tell.
TK421 said:
but I am strongly confident that his parents will persevere and help him and love him. I was sold on that once I read the “10 kids” part.
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Strongly confident is not a 100% guarantee. And actually, the ‘10 kids’ part could indicate parents who follows the religion so closely they have no sympathy for those who don’t
 
DaddyGirl said:
Just a quick thought to put out there (I will write more later)…but many feel SSA is hereditary, even though I don’t think anything has been proven yet gene-wise.
So if you and three male siblings all have SSA…it makes me immediately think there’s a decent chance that your father and/or another older male member (or female) of the family has/does, too.
I only bring this up to offer that…perhaps your parents/family will be more understanding than you think.

What about your sisters? Do you know if they also have SSA?

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Hi DaddyGirl - I have heard a psychologist interviewed on Catholic radio regarding this subject. I have also read some research that might help explain why this happens in families.

The research says it might be caused by the parenting style of some parents and they believe it might lead to this situation.

I would have to look it up again to get the exact information, but it was interesting.
 
It actually probably has more to do with the hormones you’re exposed to in utero – as they’ve done studies with mice in which they exposed fetal mice to unusually high levels of x or y at certain times during gestation and then observed higher rates of same-sex behavior in some groups depending on the dose/timing.

Wiki isn’t a great source, but here’s sort of the basic outline of the idea – en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prenatal_hormones_and_sexual_orientation

I personally had never heard of it running in families, but I suppose that could make sense for siblings since they might all have experienced similar hormone cocktails from their mom.
 
As someone who sometimes experiences same-sex attraction, I understand your pain (Though obviously on a lesser and temporary level). I’ve also had many worse things happen to me that I had to tell others, so I know your pain on possibly an equal level as well. If I were in your shoes, I would talk to a Priest about it. I would then talk to one of your brothers and “come out” to them. Don’t ask if they are, as this will pressure them. Make yourself the one vulnerable, not them, and they might be inspired by your example to do the same as you. Doing this one person at a time is much easier than doing it to all of them or more at a time, so I would do the less crowded way. I would come out as a chaste man with SSA, and I would live the faith authentically and do my best to be a role model for other Catholics with the same problem.

You’ve received a lot of great advice, and I wish you all the best. I will pray for you and your family. Be strong in the Faith; God will never abandon you, even in the hardest times.
 
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