Will the truth tear my family apart?

[Debora123]

…or suffer from bulima or covet the husband of our neighbor down the street or have always dreamed of getting rich enough so that we can just tell everyone else to go to H*&L or that we’re pregnant outside of marriage and don’t know what to do about it or occasionally skip Mass on Sunday and lie about it to our grandmothers when they ask or that we aren’t free to marry because we or our spouse ruined a valid marriage with a runaway alcohol addiction…

I’d just like to point out that I think the struggle of having SSA is a bit different from having a crush on someone’s husband, or wanting to be rich, or skipping mass, or pretty much the rest of what you posted above. Almost to the point of being insulting to those who suffer from SSA. I don’t think it’s legitimate to clump them together like that.

I personally cannot even imagine what a huge struggle it must be to be attracted to the wrong gender, and my heart goes out to the OP. I hope he is able to open up to his loved ones about it so that they can help him, and I hope he finds some inner peace.

 

[njlisa]

I’d just like to point out that I think the struggle of having SSA is a bit different from having a crush on someone’s husband, or wanting to be rich, or skipping mass, or pretty much the rest of what you posted above. Almost to the point of being insulting to those who suffer from SSA. I don’t think it’s legitimate to clump them together like that.

I personally cannot even imagine what a huge struggle it must be to be attracted to the wrong gender, and my heart goes out to the OP. I hope he is able to open up to his loved ones about it so that they can help him, and I hope he finds some inner peace.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

As far as the causality of homosexuality, it might be useful to look at what the Catechism says (in part) in paragraph 2357.

Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained.

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm

Wasn’t the catechism written like 20 years ago? A lot of science happens in 20 years …

 

[njlisa]

Wasn’t the catechism written like 20 years ago? A lot of science happens in 20 years …

It came out in the mid-1990s, I believe. I’ll see whether I can dig up something more contemporary and official.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

Here’s a better source for the in utero hormone theory – and article just published in December by Time magazine – healthland.time.com/2012/12/13/new-insight-into-the-epigenetic-roots-of-homosexuality/

 

[CaptFun]

We worry so much about sex, but who we are is so much more than our attractions, fantasies, fears, and desires. < :clapping: WELL PUT! **And of course, so true! **

I have no answers for you. A lot will depend on your family.

Praying for you.

Insightful. Humble. Reflective. Powerful. < One word summaries of your four sentences in that order.

And so much more concise than I usually manage to be.

 

[njlisa]

Here’s a better source for the in utero hormone theory – and article just published in December by Time magazine – healthland.time.com/2012/12/13/new-insight-into-the-epigenetic-roots-of-homosexuality/

Thank you!

 

[meltzerboy]

Insightful. Humble. Reflective. Powerful. < One word summaries of your four sentences in that order.

And so much more concise than I usually manage to be.

You were, however, very concise here, CaptFun. So take heart!

 

[meltzerboy]

I’d just like to point out that I think the struggle of having SSA is a bit different from having a crush on someone’s husband, or wanting to be rich, or skipping mass, or pretty much the rest of what you posted above. Almost to the point of being insulting to those who suffer from SSA. I don’t think it’s legitimate to clump them together like that.

I personally cannot even imagine what a huge struggle it must be to be attracted to the wrong gender, and my heart goes out to the OP. I hope he is able to open up to his loved ones about it so that they can help him, and I hope he finds some inner peace.

I agree with you, Debora. However, I’m sure EasterJoy meant well with no intention of being insulting to those who suffer from SSA. It’s just that sometimes what sounds good in theory may not necessarily translate to specific situations.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

Interesting. If that is indeed part of it, I wonder why some children acquire SSA while their siblings do not…
.

If it does turn out to be genetics, then the answer is simple genetics and hereditary science. Why don’t all the children have the same hair, skin color, eye color, and height? Genetics are kind of like throwing a bunch of ingredients into a bowl and then throwing it into the oven. You don’t know what you’re going to get, and there will be no exact matches if you do it again.

 

[Annie39]

Hello,

I hope I am writing in the correct forum. As you can tell from my username I am a guy secretly struggling with same sex attraction. I’ve had this attraction for as long as I can remember. I’ve been to hell and back with it, it’s constantly on my mind and I worry about my future all the time. I simply cannot help it. All I want in the world is to be rid of it.

I am a practicing Catholic born to very strong Catholic parents. We are a large family of 10 siblings. Over the past few years I’ve always wondered about some of my brothers and whether they struggle with the same problem. To cut a long story short, I now know that three of them do. That makes 4 in total which just blows my mind. I hate to think of them struggling with the same horrible feelings I have. I pray that I could take all their struggles on my shoulders but I know that that is never going to happen.

Lately all of these feelings have been building up inside of me and I feel like I might just be about ready to explode. The most difficult thing is living with this secret, keeping it from your friends and family and the heartache at knowing I cannot have a regular life with a wife and kids. What makes it worse is knowing that my brothers who I love dearly must also be experiencing the same. Even writing that is so weird for me. How something like that can be inflicted on so many people of the same family is just bewildering.

My issue right now is whether to come out altogether and tell people, whether to come out secretly to my brothers or to just go on like this. I know in my heart and soul that coming out will change our lives forever. My mom would be inconsolable and my dad would not be able to take the news at all. It would also alter the relationship I have with my brothers so much, from being buds to being really awkward with each other. I am fairly certain i am the only one who knows that there are 4 of us. The others think that they are the only one.

I am going on pilgrimage next week to pray about what to do. This is such a huge deal for me and I do not know what is the best course of action. Any advice appreciated.

God bless.

I am the mother of 3 adult males. Your parents are similar to my husband and me. Soooo. NO, NO, NO a thousand times NO! Do not tell your parents. This is between you and God. IMHO it would be cruel to your parents if you told them. Two things, if you are correct about your brothers, it WILL out eventually. Second, Obviously I don’t know the dynamics but there must be more to this than you have mentioned and of course it isn’t necessary but I think that you need to deal with other issues in your family that is at the bottom of this situation.

Annie

 

[Megan7]

Here’s a better source for the in utero hormone theory – and article just published in December by Time magazine – healthland.time.com/2012/12/13/new-insight-into-the-epigenetic-roots-of-homosexuality/

Thanks for the link.

 

[Debora123]

I am the mother of 3 adult males. Your parents are similar to my husband and me. Soooo. NO, NO, NO a thousand times NO! Do not tell your parents. This is between you and God. IMHO it would be cruel to your parents if you told them. Two things, if you are correct about your brothers, it WILL out eventually. Second, Obviously I don’t know the dynamics but there must be more to this than you have mentioned and of course it isn’t necessary but I think that you need to deal with other issues in your family that is at the bottom of this situation.

Annie

I am extremely surprised that a mother would ever want her child to suffer alone in something so difficult.

OP, if your parents are anything like mine, they’ll want to know so that they can help you in any way possible. Please take that into consideration before you make the decision to continue to hold this in from the closest and most important people in your life… whose job on earth is to guard and protect their children.

 

[ATeutonicKnight]

I am extremely surprised that a mother would ever want her child to suffer alone in something so difficult.

OP, if your parents are anything like mine, they’ll want to know so that they can help you in any way possible. Please take that into consideration before you make the decision to continue to hold this in from the closest and most important people in your life… whose job on earth is to guard and protect their children.

This. Honestly, it’s people who say telling the truth is “cruel” that makes it so hard for people to come out. It’s ridiculous and it honestly makes me a little sick.

 

[aemcpa]

(Also, don’t forget that the Episcopal church has services that are very similar to Catholicism but is much more gay-friendly overall. I know that’s probably not a popular thing to point out on a Catholic forum, but something to keep in mind if you’re looking for support and not finding it)

This is not true. They may appear similar, but at the end of the Mass, a priest distributes the Holy Eucharist, while at the end of the Episcopal service, a lay minister distributes bread.

 

[Debora123]

Now, there’s the chance the OP is not telling us everything about his parents–true.
I mean, if they are the far-from-sympathetic and compassionate types…if they are very, very rigid and the kind who judge their kids instead of helping them…if they are the kind who despise anything different from exactly how they are…or if he knows them to exhibit extreme, bigoted, homophobic hatred…then I can understand choosing not to confide in them…or at least, hesitating to do so.

Oh man, I hope not…

 

[lax16]

Interesting. If that is indeed part of it, I wonder why some children acquire SSA while their siblings do not…

Many of the homosexual friends I have seem to have gay aunts/uncles, rather than parents…which leads me to lean more on the inherited side rather than the parenting side.

Thanks, I’d be very interested to read the info!

.

DaddyGirl - It is a complex issue for sure.

Here is a link to one article. There is more on the topic but I think this sums it up pretty well. He has done a great deal of research and clinical practice and I find his (name removed by moderator)ut to be quite interesting. It seems like this parenting style may be one contributing factor.

josephnicolosi.com/attachment-loss-and-grief-work/

 

[MJJean]

I don’t understand.
Why would you consider it “cruel” if you had a child, and he/she came to you for help on this?
Please, can you elaborate?

Also…wouldn’t you be wondering–ten, twenty years plus, down the road–why your child might never be dating or getting married?
(not saying that would be for sure, but saying might)
Would you just chalk it up to, I dunno…shyness? And leave it at that?
And what if, like the OP, it might be four boys in one family? You would just want to go on watching all four of them throughout the years, wondering…not knowing what’s going on, with blinders on?
That would be…charitable and thoughtful of them? To keep you ignorant of what they are thinking and feeling?
You would prefer that? Instead of maybe…having them tell you early on so that you can help them?

.

Not to mention that this type of struggling, tension, sadness, anxiety etc. leads to behavior that parents notice and do not understand. Unexplained emotional outbursts, unexplained anger, on and on. At least if the parents know that their son is struggling with SSA any acting out would be understood.

If it were me, I’d tell my parents and stress that I have struggled with SSA since childhood and that I have no intention of leaving the Catholic faith or of ever acting on the SSA.

If it were one of my kids I’d want to know so that I could be of some help and comfort and so that I wouldn’t be seeing a child of mine grown and living a celibate single life and be left to wonder where I went wrong, if the family I raised my child in turned him or her off to family life, etc.

As for the brothers… From what I gather, none of them flat out told the OP that they are struggling. The information was gained through sleep talking and phone snooping as well as from a 3rd party’s testimony.

The brother sleep talking could have been having a random dream, which he has no control over. He may not be struggling with SSA but simply had a strange dream. The inappropriate material on the phone could be something a friend who borrowed the phone put there, something he viewed out of curiosity, etc. And the 3rd party’s testimony could be something they saw and misunderstood or maliciously intended gossip.

In addition to the above, the other brothers might not be gay. They could be attracted to either sex and fully capable of making a normal marriage with a woman including a healthy sex life and children.

And, if they are having to go through the exact same struggle, the OP coming out may help the other brothers accept their burden and also seek help and comfort from the parents.