Wish my wife was Catholic - or at least Christian

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So I reverted to my Catholic faith in college soon after my now-wife and I got engaged. Before that, I was your standard college-age man of the world and her and I were ready to settle down into a normal, mostly secular, American married life. Well Jesus got in the way of that and set me on fire with His Spirit, thanks be to God. Over the past 3 years I went from religion as an after-thought to a personal relationship with Christ through his Church and trying everyday to be a “Dynamic Catholic”.

The issue of course is that my wife never joined me on this journey. She went along with getting a dispensation (she isn’t baptized) and being married in the Church and at one point even gave RCIA a shot which unfortunately fell through at no fault of her own (it was run by insensitive college kids). She is now back to her liberal, secular self and our differences in world-view grow ever greater as time goes on. It’s not that she’s anti-Catholic, she just “isn’t religious” and really never got over the fact that I changed and left her behind. I feel bad about that, but how could I not choose God over her? I do love her to death and she is an amazing woman but I just can’t share the most important thing in my life with her. I sometimes regret marrying her, but I know our marriage is valid and I remember being convinced we could make it work and maybe she would one day join the church. Now three years later I don’t think she ever will - she’s told me as much. I have settled on the fact that this is my cross in life, but sometimes it is unbearable. It’s as if the more I love Him, the more my wife and I fight.

So I go to mass alone every week and have to try so hard not to look with envy at the young happy couples with baby in tow both going up to receive the Eucharist. It’s even gotten so bad that I have to avert my eyes and thoughts when I see a single woman in church. I desire so much to have that Catholic wife who will pray with me and accompany me on my journey. We haven’t been blessed with little ones yet, but in our discussions we have reached an uneasy truce which will involve me not “requiring” the kids to go to mass with me but they will get all their sacraments. This is a great blessing but I desire to pass on so much more to my future children (i.e. devotionals, prayer before every meal, all the tradition, etc.).

Any advice and/or prayers would be greatly appreciated. Would love to hear from other mixed-marriages / unequally yoked folks out there. Thank you and God Bless!
 
Hi E, Just read your post. I can relate to you almost to the letter. I really don’t have any advice for you, in fact I’m searching myself for an answer. I think you are in a little better situation, in that it seems you still have lots of love and respect for her and that by saying she is an amazing woman tells me you sincerely want to be with her. I’ve been married outside the church to my wife now 8 years. i’ve only recently returned to the church and am now finding out that my wife is no where near where I’d like her to be in faith. In fact there seems to be no faith and really just angry with the world. And as you mentioned, the closer we get to God, the further we become from our wives it seems. So I hold on to the fact that my marriage is not validated in the church, and I contemplate just ending it, and look for that catholic wife we seem to envy in Mass. Or as you said. Is this my cross to bear, is this the person I’m supposed to help and get her on the path of salvation? I pray constantly for these answers. So, I feel stuck in a place that keeps me from God. Or I can validate my marriage in the church, and receive the Eucharist and get closer to God, or end it and start over with God’s guidance for a better partner. Thanks for listening, if you have any advice let me know.
God Bless.
Mike
 
Hello,
I too can totally relate.

My wife is Jewish and we met when I was away from the Faith. Now, I have had a strong re-conversion to the Faith. I attend Mass every Sunday and attend daily Mass often.

I love to talk about the Faith and if my wife would allow me, I would look into becoming a Deacon or get a Master’s degree in theology.

She doesn’t like that I’m into my Faith and feels that I have changed and that I’m not the man she married. While she’s Jewish, she’s not a practicing Jew. But she has zero wishes to become Catholic and she doesn’t want our 2 kids to be Catholic.

So I pray and sometimes get frustrated and get upset and we fight.

But I’m trying very hard to let The Holy Spirit take control and to show nothing but love to my wife.

I’m no where perfect with this, but I’m willing to help you. Perhaps we can all help each other?

I highly recommend listening to this CD/MP3 by Johnnette Benkovic (host of Women of Grace on ETWN). She had a similar situation, and I find that this CD brings me some hope and comfort.

lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/for-love-and-marriage?promoCode=104130

God Bless!

BTW - please feel free to PM me if you would like to chat some more.
 
Yeah. Things are normally very polite and cordial, but I envy other people who have that opportunity for that closeness that comes from being on the same wavelength regarding things that matter. I see big, happy, Catholic families and I feel that twinge, too. And then I remember I’m in this time, in this place, in this situation— and I need to live my faith from day to day, regardless of whether anyone else is pulling with me or not.

You might consider picking up The Secret Diary of Elizabeth Leseur.
 
Prayer and patience. That’s my approach.

My husband was baptized but never raised Catholic. His parents had him baptized mainly to appease their parents. He does believe in God, has told me he prays, but pretty much has adopted his parents’ belief that you “don’t need to go to church to worship”.

All of this gave me great trepidation when discerning marriage with him. I made it clear that I would not marry outside of the Church, and that any children would be raised Catholic. I told him that if he wasn’t okay with those things, I would understand but that they were not things I would compromise on. He agreed that it was okay. He even offered to go through RCIA before the wedding, but he really didn’t want to and I knew that. So I told him it was up to him, and not to just do it for me. He did not go, but does come to Mass with me a lot of the time. Our baby is baptized and will receive all his sacraments, and my husband is totally on board with that. Despite his lack of faith, he is one of the kindest, most generous and caring people I’ve ever known, and he is a fantastic husband and father.

All of that being said, I know that we will have struggles in the future. I dread having to answer questions about “why do I have to go to Mass when Daddy doesn’t” and being the person solely responsible for transmitting the faith to our son and any future children. I completely sympathize with being alone at Mass and watching couples and families together there and feeling a longing for that. Even when he is with me I feel a big distance. All I can do is pray and be the best wife and mom I can be, and hope that someday God touches his heart and that we can share in this. Maybe this will happen, and maybe it won’t. I’ve mainly given it up to God. I don’t really know what else to do.

One of the differences in our situations though, is that you say you sometimes regret marrying her. I do not, and have not ever, regretted marrying my husband. I think it would be wise of you to focus on the situation as it is, and not how you wish it were. You are married. You made a promise to love and honor your wife all the days of your life, and I am sure you know that imagining yourself with one of the single women you see at Mass is not doing that. I understand the strong desire to share your faith, I really do. But desire to share it with your wife, and pray about it. Remember that you chose her, and she chose you.
 
Engineer3352 said:
So I reverted to my Catholic faith in college soon after my now-wife and I got engaged. Before that, I was your standard college-age man of the world and her and I were ready to settle down into a normal, mostly secular, American married life. Well Jesus got in the way of that and set me on fire with His Spirit, thanks be to God. Over the past 3 years I went from religion as an after-thought to a personal relationship with Christ through his Church and trying everyday to be a “Dynamic Catholic”.

The issue of course is that my wife never joined me on this journey. She went along with getting a dispensation (she isn’t baptized) and being married in the Church and at one point even gave RCIA a shot which unfortunately fell through at no fault of her own (it was run by insensitive college kids). She is now back to her liberal, secular self and our differences in world-view grow ever greater as time goes on. It’s not that she’s anti-Catholic, she just “isn’t religious” and really never got over the fact that I changed and left her behind. I feel bad about that, but how could I not choose God over her? I do love her to death and she is an amazing woman but I just can’t share the most important thing in my life with her. I sometimes regret marrying her, but I know our marriage is valid and I remember being convinced we could make it work and maybe she would one day join the church. Now three years later I don’t think she ever will - she’s told me as much. I have settled on the fact that this is my cross in life, but sometimes it is unbearable. It’s as if the more I love Him, the more my wife and I fight.

So I go to mass alone every week and have to try so hard not to look with envy at the young happy couples with baby in tow both going up to receive the Eucharist. It’s even gotten so bad that I have to avert my eyes and thoughts when I see a single woman in church. I desire so much to have that Catholic wife who will pray with me and accompany me on my journey. We haven’t been blessed with little ones yet, but in our discussions we have reached an uneasy truce which will involve me not “requiring” the kids to go to mass with me but they will get all their sacraments. This is a great blessing but I desire to pass on so much more to my future children (i.e. devotionals, prayer before every meal, all the tradition, etc.).

Any advice and/or prayers would be greatly appreciated. Would love to hear from other mixed-marriages / unequally yoked folks out there. Thank you and God Bless!
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Wow can I relate!

After 23 years of marriage, here’s my advice:
  1. Do not talk about religion. Do not dominate radio and tv with Catholic shows when they are present.
Dr. Ray Guarendi gave this advice to someone in a similar situation: if you are watching EWTN and your non-religious spouse walks into the room ask them what THEY want to watch. Do not keep radio or tv on religious programming in their presence.
  1. Get involved in their activities or find one to do together that is not religiously based.
  2. Do not ask about their interest in converting. Ever.
  3. Invite them to fun events at church such as fall festival, bingo night, not bible study or RCIA. If you attend a bible study mention it in a matter of fact way, such as “starting in September I will be attending a bible study on Thursday nights from 7-8:30 pm. Do you foresee a conflict with that?”
  4. Pray for their conversion.
 
Hi and Welcome! I’m glad you found your way here.

I don’t have advice for you. I do ask though, that if you have a bit of time, stop by Catholic Answers and encourage single Catholics to look for a Catholic spouse. Your testimony of how important your faith is to you, and what it’s like for you with an unbelieving spouse, can carry a lot of weight.

Our Lady of Fatima asked for rosaries and sacrifices for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world. It is even more relevant today than in 1917.

God strengthen and guide you today.
 
Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.
 
I do wish my husband were Catholic as well. We married in a civil ceremony as non-practicing protestants, I never inquired of his baptized status. I was baptized he has not been apparently. I did RCIA and joined the church shortly after we were married (I went through periods of attending different churches while we were dating but never seriously, DH thought catholic church was going to be the same…).

Luckily DH is fine with me raising the kids as catholic as I want. He even goes to mass with me some sundays (for the sole purpose of helping me corral the kids, he hates going). In fact, he has even agreed to go to a “young adults” potluck tomorrow with me (partly because he feels bad for working late so much). Anyway, I am hoping one day he will find the church. I pray about it.

When we were kids, my dad didn’t attend church with mom (baptist). I remember praying all the time that daddy would come to church with us (makes me sad to remember really). My mom recently passed away and my dad continues to go. Now he is actually keeping company with a lovely catholic woman, although she is convinced she cannot marry him (she is divorced, annulled, and he is a widower), technically I think she is wrong she just needs a dispensation from the bishop, no? It’s not like they will be having kids to raise catholic or not…
 
Book_Worm said:
Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.
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You’re not wrong. My sympathy lies more with the wife in this situation as well.

For the OP-

You made a choice, you took a vow, you understand that as a catholic you took that vow before God. Live up to it.

Remember and keep in mind all the good and wonderful things about your wife. It may be a shock to you but-- some Catholic wives leave the faith, some cheat on their husbands, some aren’t very loving, some wouldn’t hang around and be supportive of their husband pursuing or even becoming more involved in the faith.

Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and focus on taking care of your lawn. Seriously, get down on your knees every day and thank God for your wife and be specific each time about qualities that attracted you and that you admire. Put yourself aside and do things for her that are about her and that are things she wants. As you want support in your faith from her, support her in her interests and pursuits.

My brother-in-law is not a religious man, but, he stuck with my sister through a long, hard and grueling battle with cancer over 5 years. Through everything and is devastated by her loss. I will pray that you will find it in yourself to love your wife as much as my brother-in-law loved my sister. He as an unbeliever certainly deserves eternal salvation more than I as a catholic based on the love in the actions he has taken.

God bless you and your wife always…
 
misspriss said:
Now he is actually keeping company with a lovely catholic woman, although she is convinced she cannot marry him (she is divorced, annulled, and he is a widower), technically I think she is wrong she just needs a dispensation from the bishop, no? It’s not like they will be having kids to raise catholic or not…
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Yes, if she is annulled, she just needs a dispensation, which is easy to get. Her parish priest will do that for her.
 
Book_Worm said:
Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.
Click to expand...
I think what some are trying to say is that when they are in church seeing couples able to go to mass together, put their arm around their spouse, bring their children up for communion etc it brings home a sad reality. It is mourning a loss.

I have had to stop looking at couples in mass because it is so painful sometimes. I also say a prayer for these couples that they will be blessed with many children raised in the faith. It reminds me to pray for my husband’s conversion and to thank God for our relationship and our children.

I also remind myself that I married him of my own free will and I must make the best of it. I tell my children to marry in the faith though. My husband agrees that makes things a whole lot easier.
 
lax16 said:
I think what some are trying to say is that when they are in church seeing couples able to go to mass together, put their arm around their spouse, bring their children up for communion etc it brings home a sad reality. It is mourning a loss.

I have had to stop looking at couples in mass because it is so painful sometimes. I also say a prayer for these couples that they will be blessed with many children raised in the faith. It reminds me to pray for my husband’s conversion and to thank God for our relationship and our children.

I also remind myself that I married him of my own free will and I must make the best of it. I tell my children to marry in the faith though. My husband agrees that makes things a whole lot easier.
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agreed!
 
phil19034 said:
Yes, if she is annulled, she just needs a dispensation, which is easy to get. Her parish priest will do that for her.
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I wonder how much she knows, she is a EMHC, but she told my dad that sundays were not an obligation only holy days of obligation. She also told him she couldn’t take communion if they were to get married. I honestly think she thinks she is a good catholic and knows things, but she may have been poorly taught, because I’m a “newbie” and I think I have a better handle on a lot of these things!
 
In the book “Rome Sweet Home”, Scott and Kimberly Hahn detail how Scott’s conversion to Catholicism nearly tore their marriage apart. He wanted desperately for Kimberly to come into the Church, and she was adamantly against it. It was taking a real toll.

Someone gave Scott the advice to stop trying to convert his wife and just focus on loving her. And it was that action that caused her to stop fighting it and she ultimately came into the Church.

Keep loving your wife- make it a real focus- and remember that Our Lady told us at Fatima to “pray for peace, do penance for conversion”. Consider adding some penances to your faith practice with the goal of God converting your wife. You might also look into the Green Scapular.
 
misspriss said:
I wonder how much she knows, she is a EMHC, but she told my dad that sundays were not an obligation only holy days of obligation. She also told him she couldn’t take communion if they were to get married. I honestly think she thinks she is a good catholic and knows things, but she may have been poorly taught, because I’m a “newbie” and I think I have a better handle on a lot of these things!
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Yeah, sounds like she is misinformed.

If she married your dad outside the Church, without dispensation… then she could not receive Communion.

But if she gets married in the Church or with a dispensation, then she’s good.

Again – this is assuming that she really does have an annulment.
 
Book_Worm said:
Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.
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Yes, I agree.

OP, you have to put aside what you want, and focus on what you have. Do you have a committed, loving spouse? If so, you are already lucky.

Your thoughts should not be “I know my marriage is valid so I have to make it work”, they should be “I love my wife and I want to make things work with her”. You have to let go of your desires to have a Catholic wife because by your wife’s admission, this is very unlikely to happen. If this means averting your eyes then so be it. The choice you made on your wedding day - to marry your wife - should never be regretted. You should not carry on hoping things will change and getting disheartened when they do not.

You say your wife didn’t come with you on your journey - of course she didn’t. Because it wasn’t her journey. If she is to ever have a journey, it needs to be her own, made from true belief than out of love for you.

You changed on your wife and you are upset she has not changed. She has not changed and is upset you have. She has tried to involve herself in your faith for you. She has decided she does not want to become Catholic, and you are upset. Have you considered counselling to help you communicate better? Do you have date nights where you reconnect over the other things you have in common? Or do you both lament over the people you used to be?

I really think you need to act on your wedding vows. Stop wishing for Catholic women, stop watching single Catholic women and be thankful for the wife you have. Look for the good in her and stop seeing only the negatives - “she is not” or “she has no”.

Lou
 
phil19034 said:
Yeah, sounds like she is misinformed.

If she married your dad outside the Church, without dispensation… then she could not receive Communion.

But if she gets married in the Church or with a dispensation, then she’s good.

Again – this is assuming that she really does have an annulment.
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Yeah My dad has only just now told me about her, he mentioned about how she told him sundays were not an obligation last year, and then a couple of weeks ago he said they were spending a lot of time together but they couldn’t pursue it because he wasn’t going to convert and she told him if she married him she couldn’t take communion anymore. I said oh she probably would need to get an annulment and he said she already had one it was him she said.

I feel bad like I want to explain it to him, but I don’t want to just be all “well she is wrong!”. I really don’t know how serious they are (he doesn’t tell me these things) but apparently they’ve already discussed marriage.

Or maybe she is just trying to come up with a reason to not get any more serious with him and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I have no idea. Just seemed weird to me. She may have just want wanted to date him and told him that it wouldn’t go any further because of that. I felt a little bad about her misrepresenting the church though.
 
misspriss said:
Yeah My dad has only just now told me about her, he mentioned about how she told him sundays were not an obligation last year, and then a couple of weeks ago he said they were spending a lot of time together but they couldn’t pursue it because he wasn’t going to convert and she told him if she married him she couldn’t take communion anymore. I said oh she probably would need to get an annulment and he said she already had one it was him she said.

I feel bad like I want to explain it to him, but I don’t want to just be all “well she is wrong!”. I really don’t know how serious they are (he doesn’t tell me these things) but apparently they’ve already discussed marriage.

Or maybe she is just trying to come up with a reason to not get any more serious with him and she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I have no idea. Just seemed weird to me. She may have just want wanted to date him and told him that it wouldn’t go any further because of that. I felt a little bad about her misrepresenting the church though.
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if you haven’t met her yet, when you do, talk to her. When she tells you that stuff, kindly say “you should speak with your Priest because you can receive a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic very easily”
 
Thank you all for the responses - both those who relate to my situation and those who are showing me some tough love. Of course I thank God everyday for my beautiful loving wife; I am beyond blessed to have her in my life and should not lament because things aren’t perfect. Make no mistake - I know I am sinning when I covet other’s marriage and I pray for His forgiveness.

We see a marriage counselor monthly and work so hard to keep our young marriage healthy (dates, intimacy, etc.). Truth be told, everything outside of my faith is absolutely perfect - Praise God! And when times get tough between us I will still thank Him for placing her in my life. Bottom line, let no man separate what God has brought together…and I need to check myself if I am ever entertaining thoughts which could lead to our separation.

All that being said, I hope those of you on the harsher side of this discussion can put yourself in my shoes and try to understand what it’s like day in day out. I feel God calling me closer but sometimes feel like I should “pump the brakes” for the sake of my marriage. I know marriage (and all true love) is sacrificial but what if it seems like GOD is who I am sacrificing?? This is a constant internal battle about which I pray daily and sincerely appreciate all of your prayers.

And lastly thank you for the book recommendations. I have read Rome Sweet Home and will have to check out the Saint diary.
 
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