Wish my wife was Catholic - or at least Christian

[Indigo_Cardinal]

Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.

It’s not just you. My sympathies are with the women as well. Their husbands changed on them, and now said husbands are coming across as ‘berating’ their wives over it (almost a “How dare SHE not change herself into what I want, even though it wasn’t what I wanted when I married her?”).

And I’m way not comfortable with the “I’m looking at other women and wishing…” bit. It pretty much makes it sound like they’ve already mentally checked out of the marriage.

 

[phil19034]

Thank you all for the responses - both those who relate to my situation and those who are showing me some tough love. Of course I thank God everyday for my beautiful loving wife; I am beyond blessed to have her in my life and should not lament because things aren’t perfect. Make no mistake - I know I am sinning when I covet other’s marriage and I pray for His forgiveness.

We see a marriage counselor monthly and work so hard to keep our young marriage healthy (dates, intimacy, etc.). Truth be told, everything outside of my faith is absolutely perfect - Praise God! And when times get tough between us I will still thank Him for placing her in my life. Bottom line, let no man separate what God has brought together…and I need to check myself if I am ever entertaining thoughts which could lead to our separation.

All that being said, I hope those of you on the harsher side of this discussion can put yourself in my shoes and try to understand what it’s like day in day out. I feel God calling me closer but sometimes feel like I should “pump the brakes” for the sake of my marriage. I know marriage (and all true love) is sacrificial but what if it seems like GOD is who I am sacrificing?? This is a constant internal battle about which I pray daily and sincerely appreciate all of your prayers.

And lastly thank you for the book recommendations. I have read Rome Sweet Home and will have to check out the Saint diary.

Make sure to also listen to this CD / MP3: lighthousecatholicmedia.org/store/title/for-love-and-marriage?promoCode=104130

 

[Bspencer]

late to the thread.
i, too, am married to a non-catholic-- 25 years.
i have come to accept that she may never convert.
talking directly to her about the faith, conversion, etc. usually ended in an argument.

i relate it a little to my military days-- I dont so much care about winning the battle. i want to win the war.

i pray that god will open her heart to the beauty of the church, but, its not mine to decide.

my faith has deepened because of our differences. our differences have forced me to try to understand why we as catholics do as we do. because of her, i am a better catholic (and father and husband and person)

i also try to be catholic enough for both of us. maybe by what i do and how i act can help her on her journey.

i used to worry about her salvation, but 848 in the CCC is very comforting.

i also recommend, as someone else did, reading Rome Sweet Rome by Scott and Kimberly Hahn

 

[misspriss]

if you haven’t met her yet, when you do, talk to her. When she tells you that stuff, kindly say “you should speak with your Priest because you can receive a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic very easily”

Thanks that is great advice, I don’t know if I will ever meet her or not. My dad got really weird after my mom passed away, really distant. I have no idea what he is doing now days (and by no idea, I mean he started square dancing and goes to all sorts of square dance events! Square dance events!) but he doesn’t see me often. Kind of like a midlife crisis or something.

Anyway, sorry to get off topic on the thread. I am just continuing to pray for DH. And he has agreed to go to a social even for young catholics tonight! this will be his first catholic social event ever Maybe this will help him be more comfortable…one can hope!

 

[KnitNut]

We see a marriage counselor monthly and work so hard to keep our young marriage healthy (dates, intimacy, etc.).

I noticed that earlier this year, you mentioned serious marital issues leading to this counseling, including the “D” word. Unless & until you two get a grip on your own relationship, I wouldn’t be looking to bring kids into the mix. There’s enough on the plate already, without fantasizing about what you (might) miss, should children ever enter the picture. I’d try to keep your thinking in the “now”. And I’d raise these issues with your own counselor (outside of marriage counseling), and with your priest.

All that being said, I hope those of you on the harsher side of this discussion can put yourself in my shoes and try to understand what it’s like day in day out. I feel God calling me closer but sometimes feel like I should “pump the brakes” for the sake of my marriage. I know marriage (and all true love) is sacrificial but what if it seems like GOD is who I am sacrificing??

God is not the one interfering with your marriage. I guarantee it. I’m going to cut and paste the response you got from Fr. Grondin back in June, because his message is entirely applicable to your situation here, too. There is nothing stopping you from living a devout Christian life and remaining happily married to an unbeliever…you just can’t do it in the public, dramatic way you wish…and sincerely, I suggest consulting your priest/spiritual director, and/or an individual counselor, so that you can be the best Christian possible…this doesn’t require a wife at your side at services, nor a dramatic public prayer at dinner time. I’ll let Father Grondin fill in the rest:

While we do have public forms of prayer and fasting, these things should never be undertaken for any reason other than spiritual ones. Prayer and fasting are not a show that we put on or a spectacle, we do those things to grow closer to God and make our lives more holy. If I went around telling everyone I am fasting just to let everyone know I am a Christian am I not possibly letting pride enter into my spiritual life? Am I not possibly letting the public image of fasting overtake its spiritual dimension? If I make a big show of prayer, am I praying to get closer to God or just to tell other people about myself? Sometimes a “big show” of spirituality can also be seen as a thinly veiled public rebuke/judgement of others rather than sincere devotion.

While we should never be ashamed of our faith and should always be ready to explain it, Jesus’ warning of the risk of the true meaning and value of spirituality being lost when we make a public show of ourselves is always relevant. While there’s certainly nothing wrong with public expressions of faith, we do need to always question our own motives.

 

[Lou2U]

Thank you all for the responses - both those who relate to my situation and those who are showing me some tough love. Of course I thank God everyday for my beautiful loving wife; I am beyond blessed to have her in my life and should not lament because things aren’t perfect. Make no mistake - I know I am sinning when I covet other’s marriage and I pray for His forgiveness.

We see a marriage counselor monthly and work so hard to keep our young marriage healthy (dates, intimacy, etc.). Truth be told, everything outside of my faith is absolutely perfect - Praise God! And when times get tough between us I will still thank Him for placing her in my life. Bottom line, let no man separate what God has brought together…and I need to check myself if I am ever entertaining thoughts which could lead to our separation.

It’s good that you are recognising potential problems. Not only do you need to check yourself if you consider separation, you should be doing everything you can to stop these thoughts. They can harm your marriage immensely and blow everything out of proportion because you could end up acting on one of those thoughts.

All that being said, I hope those of you on the harsher side of this discussion can put yourself in my shoes and try to understand what it’s like day in day out.

I do understand how it feels when you are so passionate about something, but the people around you are not. I think you need to consider your wife’s perspective - you changed, she tried to follow you and couldn’t agree with it. So, it is difficult for you, but also for her. Make sure you are continually showing her the parts of you that were there before you married as well as the parts that have come from your faith.

I feel God calling me closer but sometimes feel like I should “pump the brakes” for the sake of my marriage. I know marriage (and all true love) is sacrificial but what if it seems like GOD is who I am sacrificing?? This is a constant internal battle about which I pray daily and sincerely appreciate all of your prayers.

Try not to make your situation more dramatic by setting your wife against your religion. This is a battle your wife cannot win, and it isn’t fair to her when you blame your internal struggle on her not following you on your faith journey.

And lastly thank you for the book recommendations. I have read Rome Sweet Home and will have to check out the Saint diary.

A book that is often recommended on these forums is the one about the 5 love languages. This might help you to show your wife you love her in the way she appreciates best, and vice versa. Another thing is if you tell your wife “I’ve read this, and it’s about a man who converted and eventually his wife followed”, she may feel uncomfortable and more resentful towards Catholicism. So, if you are doing this, try to tone it down slightly so she does not feel backed into a corner.

From reading KnitNut’s post, it seems you have been having issues for a while. Never, never say the word “divorce” to your wife unless you are prepared to actually deal with a divorce, and ask her to agree with it. I read a thread today about a woman who used to threaten her husband for divorce when they argued, and he decided to take her at her word. Threatening divorce will only make your problems worse.

Again, it’s time to stop wishing about what you want and accepting what you have.

Lou

 

[Demetra2]

You have a cross to carry here but you can do it. Continue to be a kind loving husband and pray for your wife. It may take many years but she may follow you into the church. With God anything is possible! It is good that she will agree to your future children being baptized but it is not good that she disagrees about them attending Mass with you. You will need to cross that bridge when you come to it but it is something to consider. In your favor is the fact that children are very influenced by the father’s role in religious upbringing even more than the mother’s role. When they see you as a devout Catholic they will naturally be drawn to emulating Dad. God bless.

 

[hally23]

I am a wife who has come into the faith with a wonderful husband who has not. Most Sundays I attend church with our children while he has his weekly golf date, which he loves and looks forward to.
Do I get frustrated at being the sole wrangler of a kids in a church full of couples? Sure! Do I wish we shared our faith? Absolutely. But if we’ve become ‘unequally yoked’ it was my doing, not his
I find comfort in the fact that I am able to pursue my faith how I please, and he is not telling me what I should and should not do. I am grateful and so happy when he does attend church or an event there. I dont want him there sighing and being bored. If he’s with me, I want it to be of his own accord.
You can’t force faith on people. It just wouldnt be authentic. It wouldnt mean very much to your wife if she was coerced to be there. If and when she joins you at mass, it will be that much more meaningful if it’s done of her own free will. I mean, that’s how it is with God, isn’t it? Free will can be a tricky double edged sword, but when love and companionship are given freely, it’s the ultimate gift.

My suggestion is just to quietly SHOW her the positive effects of your faith. If she sees that you have gained innerpeace, selflessness, understanding and love, she will be drawn to you and perhaps even to the source of those things, your faith. You two are young. Just out of college— you’ve got a life and marriage ahead of you. Do your best to grow TOGETHER, even if the paths you take are sometimes on your own.

 

[MJJean]

If you want to pray at dinner or bedtimes with your future children, do it. No reason why you shouldn’t. Your wife isn’t obligated to pray with you. All she has to do is politely wait a moment while you and the kids pray.

You want to take the kids to Mass, have them receive their Sacraments, and do Catholic things at home. Sure, why not? Kids usually have things they do to bond with mom and different things they do to bond with dad. Your “dad bond” thing can be sharing your faith. Her “mom bond thing” could be whatever she finds meaningful that she wants to share with the kids.

Make sure she knows she is not excluded. That you think of her, pray for her, and give thanks for her so that she knows she is part of your spiritual life. Invite her to Mass. She doesn’t have to be a believer to go. She can simply just be there with you. And when the kids come along, make sure you share with her what you all did while you were away together so she doesn’t feel like she’s missing out.

 

[kaisersenheiser]

I’m also in a similar situation. In my case I was married to a woman who’s Baptist outside the Church when I was non-practicing. I reverted about a year ago around the time that we conceived our baby girl. In my case I know my marriage is invalid and have been trying to regularize it for some time now. My wife refuses convalidation and now it seems even a Radical Sanation is not going through because the matrimonial consent on my wife’s part is not assured.
I have learned and come to appreciate and really love The Church’s teaching on marriage and the family. I want to fulfill my calling as husband and father to be the head of my family. It is apparent my wife’s views are more secular.
I understand that it’s difficult for the wife because I’ve changed, but I really think it’s for the better and she seems to think it’s for the worse.
I really desire the sacraments (which are not available to me in this current state), especially the graces of the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony and a true marriage in Christ.
I know I’m guilty of coveting what’s not mine. I pray for forgiveness and to be more loving and humble. I’m committed to staying with her but it is so hard to think I may remain outside of the Sacraments because of this.

 

[Engineer3352]

It’s been a year and a half and I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading the everyone’s posts. I should get on these forums more, you folks are so thoughtful.

Anyway, in the time since I originally posted, God blessed my wife and I with a healthy baby boy who is now 6 months old. Just last month, we had him baptized and my wife threw a huge party to celebrate. I cannot tell you how much she has surprised me with her support of my faith and the planned Catholic upbringing of our little man. While she still does not seem interested in joining the Church herself, she goes out of her way to support my faith and my plans to share it with our son. I try my hardest to convey my appreciation of this support and I hope she sees my sincerity in it. She is such a blessing and I ask for God’s forgiveness in ever doubting the gift that He gave me in her.

I have resigned myself to His will as far as her faith is concerned but am cautiously optimistic. Not that I should judge her soul, but I think she’s a living saint and is a much better person than I. While I still pray that she one day shares my faith, I have left all regret, jealousy of couples at mass, etc. behind me where it belongs.

Now that I think back, the priest who did our marriage prep was right: before children you can be like to railroad ties traveling in parallel. The child is the track which connects the ties. Since the arrival of our little man, we have grown closer in ways I couldn’t have predicted. My wife is an outstanding mother and a blessing to a bloke like myself.

Just thought I would share an update and thank you all again for your thoughtful responses back then.

 

[kaisersenheiser]

That is good news. I am happy that things are better for you.

In my case things did not work out (for that relationship anyway) . . . One year after my last post on the eve of our 4th anniversary we separated. Long story short, I did everything I could to try to make it work. It has become clear to me that she gave up on the relationship and was just planning her “out” for the last year. We have to wait until October to file for divorce. It’s clear to me that our union was never a valid marriage, so as soon as the divorce comes through I intend to get a decree of nullity and then start looking for that Catholic wife. Lemons into lemonade.

 

[Engineer3352]

That is good news. I am happy that things are better for you.

In my case things did not work out (for that relationship anyway) . . . One year after my last post on the eve of our 4th anniversary we separated. Long story short, I did everything I could to try to make it work. It has become clear to me that she gave up on the relationship and was just planning her “out” for the last year. We have to wait until October to file for divorce. It’s clear to me that our union was never a valid marriage, so as soon as the divorce comes through I intend to get a decree of nullity and then start looking for that Catholic wife. Lemons into lemonade.

I’m sorry to hear that, what a heavy cross you’ve been given. I admire your optimism and am happy to hear you are still devoted to the church’s teaching on marriage and pursuing a decree of nullity. God bless you on this next stage in your life. Prayers for you, your ex, and your daughter.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Is it wrong that my sympathies lie not with these men who married women knowing who they were and how they felt about religion and now resent them, but for those poor women?

They both took vows (I’m supposing) to love and to cherish these women. Looking at women who are practicing Catholics wishing themselves married to them is no better than looking at women who are younger or more beautiful and wishing to be married to them.

Your wives, the women you chose to marry, deserve more than that. I would bet my very life on my DH’s commitment to me. I cannot imagine how horrible it would be to have a husband who wishes he could be married to someone else. I don’t know if I could live like that.

This thread makes me weep.

I’m inclined to agree with you. No offence OP, one can’t always control how one feels. I know if I was honest about certain feelings I have on certain topics people would loose their rag at how selfish my thoughts can be. I understand your desire but I think you are letting it go to extremes.

ETA: just read your update. Awesome! Good for you!