Wishing I had parents

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Carmen_22

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I don’t want to sound pathetic or anything, but I really want a family. I don’t mean I want to get married or have children (well, not yet anyway!) but that I want parents who love me.

I am a college student and I have lot of friends, but sometimes I feel that as great as friends are they are no substitute for parents - and shouldn’t be. For one thing, my 20-something aged friends aren’t able to give me the advice that an older and wiser adult would.

I know jealousy is wrong, but when I see my friends with their parents I do feel jealous. I feel even more jealous when my friends complain about their parents. I would give anything to have any one of my friends parents, who seem so loving, supportive, and proud of their children.

I notice it the most at awards night every year. That’s when all the students who get scholarships or have made special achievements are honored. All of the other students have parents or another family member there to stand with them on stage for pictures and clap for them when their name is called. I am always alone on stage. I smile and act happy, but deep down it hurts a lot. I have overheard my friends parent’s saying how they feel sorry for me, and this is embarrassing. After the awards ceremonies, while everyone esle has dinner with their parents, I usually go home and cry. (Yes, I realize how lame and pathetic that sounds, I’m sorry to sound whiny.)

I also notice this on holidays, when I am alone in my apartment and everyone else is with their families.

Both of my parents are alive, but our relationship is not good. I have tried to fix it, but it only makes it hurt worse when fixing it never works. A lot of it has to do with my being Catholic. I decided to convert when I was 13, and did so when I was 17. My parents are both Baptists and believe I am an apostate and therefore going to hell. Seeing as I am doomed to eternal damnation, its a little hard for my parents to love me or see any point in celebrating my earthy accomplishments. For five years I’ve said “I love you” to my parents without hearing it back, and I don’t know how much longer I can say it.

I don’t know if my parents will ever forgive me and love me again. I can only pray they do and continue to treat them with respect and love to prove to them I am a good person, even if they reject me from their lives. However, I have felt like an orphan for a long time and feel there is a huge hole in my heart.

One a priest told me that God is the only father I need and Mary the only mother. I understand what he meant, but sometimes that really doesn’t help. Praying to God and seeking Mary’s guidance have been an immense comfort me me, but come awards night there are still two empty sears next to me. That is not meant to sound bitter or ungrateful, even though I’m sure it does.

I know I am too old to get adopted, haha. And you can’t just create new parents.But I don’t know how to handle feeling so alone and without a mother and father figure in my life. I’m afraid I’m going to end up in unhealthy relationships because I try to find these figures in people my own age, which is not how things are supposed to work. I really don’t know what to do to feel loved and cared for, or who to turn to when I need advice and support from older and wiser adults who truly know me.

Thank you for any advice.
 
What a sweetie you are!

Going on loving them is the right thing to do and your example is wonderful for all around you. Don’t lose heart. Jesus and Mary are in those empty seats.
Keep on praying, they’ll come around. You’re in my prayers. :hug3:
 
Carmen_22 said:
I don’t want to sound pathetic or anything, but I really want a family. I don’t mean I want to get married or have children (well, not yet anyway!) but that I want parents who love me.

I am a college student and I have lot of friends, but sometimes I feel that as great as friends are they are no substitute for parents - and shouldn’t be. For one thing, my 20-something aged friends aren’t able to give me the advice that an older and wiser adult would.

I know jealousy is wrong, but when I see my friends with their parents I do feel jealous. I feel even more jealous when my friends complain about their parents. I would give anything to have any one of my friends parents, who seem so loving, supportive, and proud of their children.

I notice it the most at awards night every year. That’s when all the students who get scholarships or have made special achievements are honored. All of the other students have parents or another family member there to stand with them on stage for pictures and clap for them when their name is called. I am always alone on stage. I smile and act happy, but deep down it hurts a lot. I have overheard my friends parent’s saying how they feel sorry for me, and this is embarrassing. After the awards ceremonies, while everyone esle has dinner with their parents, I usually go home and cry. (Yes, I realize how lame and pathetic that sounds, I’m sorry to sound whiny.)

I also notice this on holidays, when I am alone in my apartment and everyone else is with their families.

Both of my parents are alive, but our relationship is not good. I have tried to fix it, but it only makes it hurt worse when fixing it never works. A lot of it has to do with my being Catholic. I decided to convert when I was 13, and did so when I was 17. My parents are both Baptists and believe I am an apostate and therefore going to hell. Seeing as I am doomed to eternal damnation, its a little hard for my parents to love me or see any point in celebrating my earthy accomplishments. For five years I’ve said “I love you” to my parents without hearing it back, and I don’t know how much longer I can say it.

I don’t know if my parents will ever forgive me and love me again. I can only pray they do and continue to treat them with respect and love to prove to them I am a good person, even if they reject me from their lives. However, I have felt like an orphan for a long time and feel there is a huge hole in my heart.

One a priest told me that God is the only father I need and Mary the only mother. I understand what he meant, but sometimes that really doesn’t help. Praying to God and seeking Mary’s guidance have been an immense comfort me me, but come awards night there are still two empty sears next to me. That is not meant to sound bitter or ungrateful, even though I’m sure it does.

I know I am too old to get adopted, haha. And you can’t just create new parents.But I don’t know how to handle feeling so alone and without a mother and father figure in my life. I’m afraid I’m going to end up in unhealthy relationships because I try to find these figures in people my own age, which is not how things are supposed to work. I really don’t know what to do to feel loved and cared for, or who to turn to when I need advice and support from older and wiser adults who truly know me.

Thank you for any advice.
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Don’t you have an older couple that you know who would be willing to be there with you? My folks were divorced when I was young and I never saw my Dad till I was married with 5 children. My Mom died young. so I felt sort of alone. But my Mom’s cousin was with me every time I had a baby, and I hand other friends, including 2 of my Mom’s life long friends that were like substitute “mothers” and also several aunts I was close to. You don’t have to feel so alone because Fr. is right. The Holy Family is your “Family” and ask them to pray for your folks. Who knows maybe someday they will “see the light.” God Bless you and them. Memaw
 
You poor thing, I feel so deeply with you… my own mother always gave me the impression to be completely insufficient and especially my decision to become Catholic at the age of 14 turned her against me. Because of all this I was unable to build up a good relationship to the Blessed Mother for a very very long time, and still today I can’t love my earthly mother whereas I have just very recently started to love my Heavenly Mother.

If you still love your parents despite their refuse, you’re certainly doing much better than I am… I can imagine what you suffer, and I’ll pray for you.
 
My heart and prayers go out to you, Carmen. There are many threads in the family forum that show that many of us here have similar problems with our family of origin.

Long story short, I have an alcoholic father and a mother whom I can only think is not altogether there and rational after 50 years of being disregarded, dismissed, belittled, and occasionally hit in her marriage. I packed up and left when I was 18 after being blamed for one too many ridiculous things. At 23, I moved across the country after my father physically attacked me. I returned after more than a decade when things appeared better, and quickly discovered that even in my 30s and 40s, they still regard me as the problem child and try to use me as the scapegoat for anything and everything.

For whatever reason, I have never felt much sense of loss about not having loving parents. It’s too much the norm, and it sounds like it wasn’t for you?

But I think there are several things for you to do to help yourself.

Pray for them ceaselessly.

As much as you’re able, continue to show them the love of Christ. As per the saying, sometimes we’re the only face of Christ people will ever see.

Mentors, older friends, as Memaw suggested. In looking back over my life, although I didn’t seek out older friends, I did things that put myself in a position to meet such people. I worked in a crisis pregnancy center when I was 23, 24, 25. I met the dearest friend of my life at church when I was 23. She’s 13 years older than me, and her husband maybe 18 or 20 years older. I attended perpetual adoration and was involved in my church, and there tend to be a lot of older people there.

It might help the jealous, too, to remember that everybody has problems in life. Your friends with great parents may struggle to keep their grades up, or have health issues. If they’re not dealing with something very painful right now, they certainly will in the future. I have a friend of whom I could easily be very jealous, as she appears to have everything in life–good looks, nice looking smart kids, ambitious, well-off husband, beautiful home, skiing vacations, the works. But I have known her long enough to know there’s a whole lot of pain in her childhood, the kind of stuff that could land you on Jerry Springer, things done to her; she’s been through major health issues with at least two of her children, one of them potentially deadly involving a couple of years of major medical stays, surgeries, and expenses, all of which has hit the entire family very hard and left them with lots of rebuilding and repairing to do.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
I’m not sure, but I read about a program that will enable youth to be matched up with foster grandparents. If you contact AARP, or a foster program, someone may direct you to such a program. Or do an internet search on Google. Good luck. Everyone has some cross to bear in life, so do not feel alone. I have no family at all and survive. Some of my neighbors have never been married and lived alone all their lives also.
 
Even families who seem wonderful at public gatherings have issues. Looking at them from the outside in may give you the impression that all is peachy. It’s not. Human beings have issues and great flaws. That includes everyone.

It is important to be your own person, and live your own life with an independent identity and sense of self-worth and value. Look internally and realize you are made in God’s image. Cultivate your relationship with Jesus. He is my only true friend and brother, and He will never let anyone down. It’s very important to fully recognize that. We don’t pick our families. We don’t pick our origins. We can’t relive the past, or that of our ancestors. We need to work from where we are today, and build a better life for ourselves and help others do it as well. Be forever grateful Jesus is with you. Seek Him first and let everything else be added to that foundation.
 
Carmen_22 said:
I know I am too old to get adopted, haha. And you can’t just create new parents.But I don’t know how to handle feeling so alone and without a mother and father figure in my life. I’m afraid I’m going to end up in unhealthy relationships because I try to find these figures in people my own age, which is not how things are supposed to work. I really don’t know what to do to feel loved and cared for, or who to turn to when I need advice and support from older and wiser adults who truly know me.

Thank you for any advice.
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Actually, you aren’t too old to be adopted.

Of course I don’t mean literally. But I know that our parish, located in a college town, has a program that links students with families. I don’t know if you live at home, if you do, I don’t know that it would work for you. But our family has “adopted” two students.

One student will be spending Easter with us, because her family lives too far away for her to visit. She was also just over for dinner, last week. The other student is still deciding if she will come by. Her family is closer but still a few hours away.

If your parish doesn’t have a program like this, maybe you can start one.
 
Thanks for all the replies.

I would just like to point out that I do realize no family was perfect. I didn’t and do not mean to imply my friends have perfect parents or perfect relationships with them. I assumed that went without saying, but maybe by not saying it I cane across as naive.

I meant that I feel a little jealous when my friends parents are so nice and supportive, and I know my friends live their parents very much, but they complain about their dad texting them to check in on them, or their mom asking if they are getting enough to eat, sleep etc.

I realize we all have things we take for granted, including me.

I have also heard from many people, here and other places, things like

“All you need is God’s love and strength.”

Or

“Be confident in yourself and be your own person.”

Those things are true, well meant, and I try very hard to tell them to myself.
But there are still times I truly feel I am in a situation in which I really need the live and advice of a family, and I end up crying alone in my room because I need other people to love so badly.

Maybe I am not as strong as others, but simply telling myself possitive words doesnt seem to be helping 😦 I wish they were and i’m not trying to dismiss any kind words or advice at all.
 
Carmen_22 said:
I don’t want to sound pathetic or anything, but I really want a family. I don’t mean I want to get married or have children (well, not yet anyway!) but that I want parents who love me.

I am a college student and I have lot of friends, but sometimes I feel that as great as friends are they are no substitute for parents - and shouldn’t be. For one thing, my 20-something aged friends aren’t able to give me the advice that an older and wiser adult would.

I know jealousy is wrong, but when I see my friends with their parents I do feel jealous. I feel even more jealous when my friends complain about their parents. I would give anything to have any one of my friends parents, who seem so loving, supportive, and proud of their children.

I notice it the most at awards night every year. That’s when all the students who get scholarships or have made special achievements are honored. All of the other students have parents or another family member there to stand with them on stage for pictures and clap for them when their name is called. I am always alone on stage. I smile and act happy, but deep down it hurts a lot. I have overheard my friends parent’s saying how they feel sorry for me, and this is embarrassing. After the awards ceremonies, while everyone esle has dinner with their parents, I usually go home and cry. (Yes, I realize how lame and pathetic that sounds, I’m sorry to sound whiny.)

I also notice this on holidays, when I am alone in my apartment and everyone else is with their families.

Both of my parents are alive, but our relationship is not good. I have tried to fix it, but it only makes it hurt worse when fixing it never works. A lot of it has to do with my being Catholic. I decided to convert when I was 13, and did so when I was 17. My parents are both Baptists and believe I am an apostate and therefore going to hell. Seeing as I am doomed to eternal damnation, its a little hard for my parents to love me or see any point in celebrating my earthy accomplishments. For five years I’ve said “I love you” to my parents without hearing it back, and I don’t know how much longer I can say it.

I don’t know if my parents will ever forgive me and love me again. I can only pray they do and continue to treat them with respect and love to prove to them I am a good person, even if they reject me from their lives. However, I have felt like an orphan for a long time and feel there is a huge hole in my heart.

One a priest told me that God is the only father I need and Mary the only mother. I understand what he meant, but sometimes that really doesn’t help. Praying to God and seeking Mary’s guidance have been an immense comfort me me, but come awards night there are still two empty sears next to me. That is not meant to sound bitter or ungrateful, even though I’m sure it does.

I know I am too old to get adopted, haha. And you can’t just create new parents.But I don’t know how to handle feeling so alone and without a mother and father figure in my life. I’m afraid I’m going to end up in unhealthy relationships because I try to find these figures in people my own age, which is not how things are supposed to work. I really don’t know what to do to feel loved and cared for, or who to turn to when I need advice and support from older and wiser adults who truly know me.

Thank you for any advice.
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That’s not necessarily true even from a legal standpoint. A number of places do adult adoptions.
 
God bless you.

May He remedy that void in your life.

Maybe that void has been created to one day be filled with something wonderful.
 
Carmen_22 said:
But there are still times I truly feel I am in a situation in which I really need the live and advice of a family, and I end up crying alone in my room because I need other people to love so badly.

Maybe I am not as strong as others, but simply telling myself possitive words doesnt seem to be helping 😦 I wish they were and i’m not trying to dismiss any kind words or advice at all.
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But of course you do. You are only human. :grouphug:

I personally find that some pains in life are so difficult to bear that it sometimes feels like nothing can console us. A little pep talk you give yourself in front of a mirror will probably not solve that.

If you have a family of your own one day that will be a great source of love. The way that your children love you can’t compare to anything else in this world. Perhaps you could pray that God gives you your own family. Think about the future.

Of course, nothing will ever replace your parents but with time this pain may lessen, especially if your life is filled with love. This has been my experience.

God bless.
 
I understand your pain. I have zero relationship with my parents. I never even speak to my biological father, not by my own choice, but by his own. I rarely speak to my adoptive step-dad, ever since my mother left him when I was in my early twenties. And I have had to reduce all contact with my mother to written communication only, because she has some sort of serious personality disorder, which has gotten worse and worse. I feel like an orphan, but the abandonment I have gone through has been by their own choice. It makes me feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me, sometimes. Thankfully, I now understand that it is not me, but it is they who are emotionally ill and not quite sane people, so I can share my pain with Jesus and Mary.
You know, in yesterday’s Gospel reading, Jesus, when speaking to Judas when he arrived to betray Him, called him “Friend”? Can you imagine the love and the hurt of betrayal? His greatest earthly enemy, our Lord Jesus called him Friend. My parents have long been my greatest enemies, because they rejected me and attempted to break me down and destroy me and they neglected me. Yet, I still love them and could call them Friends, because Jesus heals. I have no hope for reconciliation in this life. I believe they are too broken. But I long for being together in heaven one day.
I, too, am a convert. I was raised Baptist. My dad cannot handle my Catholic faith. He raised me to believe Catholicism was a diabolical innovation (although I always thought he was a bit nutters on that). One of the things that I love about the Catholic Church is that I can never truly be an orphan. It doesn’t matter that my own parents rejected me. All priests are my spiritual fathers. And there are plenty of motherly Catholic women who will gladly mentor a younger mother or a new convert.
You have a new family, one built by Christ Himself. Pray to Him for the mentoring or guidance or friendships you need. And in the meantime, share your loneliness and rejection with Him. He understands.
 
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