Wives and Moms: question about signs of a good father :)

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seekingsynthesis

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Women who are now married and mothers… what signs did you see in your then- boyfriends that pointed to them being good fathers? (whether you knew it then or not)?

I often hear girls gushing over how cute it is to see guys who are. good with kids, etc. But not all guys have been blessed enough to have experience with kids, and I know that even someone who has never changed a diaper before (or hasn’t learned how to talk to kids, haha)- can still learn to be a really good dad! So I don’t want to base it off of things like that.

What other characteristics can younger women look for in men, besides their experience with children directly, which is not within their control?
 
I think it is a good idea to see how the guy interacts with his parents. My husband and I regularly visited each of his parents (they were divorced) and it is good to see how they interact with each other.

Also, see how they are around children. Don’t just ask if they like kids, see how they are with them, whether it is younger siblings or nieces, nephews or even unknown kids at the grocery store. Are they pleasant, or do they seem to resent them?
 
Irishmom2 said:
Not sure I understand what you are asking here.
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I can try to rephrase- I never want to give a novel, but perhaps a specific example is better.

My boyfriend is one of two kids, while I"m the oldest of a large family. He didn’t grow up with any cousins, or around any kids. It’s a rare situation, but it happened. Like, he’s held probably two babies ever.

So he’s great with my little siblings- talks to them, reads books with them, plays with my little brothers- but I also always have this voice in the back of my head like “ok, but this is also the phase of him impressing me”.

Whereas him visiting me, having in mind how I’d be as a mother- he sees me with kids I’ve grown up half raising, as the oldest sister. He sees me in a pretty realistic state (although I know nothing is ever quite the same as really being a mother).

So for me watching him with my siblings, I guess I don’t know if that necessarily correlates to seeing how he would actually be as a father- how he’d discipline children, whether he’d be the type to get up in the night, etc. Does that make any more sense? Happy to clarify more if needed.
 
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My husband and his father were close then, and now. His father must have been a good model of fatherhood to some extent, or they would not have a good relationship. My husband did not resent his father, and as I said, it close with him today.

My husband was not as close with his mom, but it wasn’t from his lack of trying. That’s just how she was. She now has Alzheimer’s and has been in a nursing home for years. He is the only one in his family that cares for her and visits her. That says a lot about his character, and something that is a good example to my children.
 
Irishmom2 said:
My husband was not as close with his mom, but it wasn’t from his lack of trying.
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This is helpful to hear. My boyfriend also has a tough relationship with his mom, as he’s a convert and she seriously disagrees with a lot of his life choices. But he still makes time to call her often, and sends her gifts, and visits as often as he can.
 
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seekingsynthesis said:
So he’s great with my little siblings- talks to them, reads books with them, plays with my little brothers- but I also always have this voice in the back of my head like “ok, but this is also the phase of him impressing me”.
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But that’s not fair, it could be genuine.
 
Irishmom2 said:
But that’s not fair, it could be genuine.
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that’s true- and a good perspective for me to hear! Sometimes I just need an outside perspective telling me the voice in my head is being dumb 😛
 
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Irishmom2 said:
Not sure I understand what you are asking here.
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I guess another way of asking my question is, what if I didn’t have younger siblings either?
There has got to be a way to judge what kind of father a man would be, without having children closely in one’s life. Because some people really just don’t grow up with little kids around.

So your response about the parents makes sense, thank you 🙂
 
Generally speaking I would say selflessness, a good sense of humour and a lot of patience are good signs. And flexibility, since there will always be times where everything you’ve planned goes out the window and you just have to go with the flow.
seekingsynthesis said:
I don’t know if that necessarily correlates to seeing how he would discipline children, whether he’d be the type to get up in the night, etc.
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This is all stuff that really, you need to discuss with him. His reaction is the sign you need to know whether he’d get up in the night. Things about discipline is where it’s good to see how he interacts with his parents and vice versa, because when they become parents many people take on the characteristics of their own parents. So talk to him about how was he disciplined growing up and compare that to your upbringing etc.
seekingsynthesis said:
that’s true- and a good perspective for me to hear! Sometimes I just need an outside perspective telling me the voice in my head is being dumb
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Don’t make problems 😉 this stuff is easily worked out just by talking to him.
 
seekingsynthesis said:
Do you just mean his reaction to me asking him if he’d do that sort of thing?
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Exactly! What thoughts does he have around getting up in the night? You could also ask him about how easy he is to wake from sleep (and how well he can deal with getting woken from sleep) as well as whether he’s a morning person or a night person.

I just noticed I missed kindness of the list of signs a man is a good father. Kindness is so underrated, and it’s so important!
 
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Lou2U said:
how easy he is to wake from sleep (and how well he can deal with getting woken from sleep)
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Hahah, my little brothers (whose room he shares when he stays with me) tell me that he shoots up and awake like a spring when one of them gets out of bed. So I guess those are good instincts, haha!
Also, I know if he forgot to pray the rosary in a day, he’ll get out of bed to do it even if he was already sleepy, so I guess that’s along the same lines.
 
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Honesty. Gets stuff done. Doesn’t whine. Even temper. Seems to like kids.
 
Committed to Jesus Christ and demonstrates it by faithful attendance at church, giving/tithing, etc.

Works hard, makes a living wage in his current job, steady as a rock.

. . . .

Was NOT raised in a family where one or both of of the parents were alcoholics. There are so many studies showing that the child of an alcoholic (or drug addict) has multiple problems as an adult. A jolly drinking family is one thing, but an alcoholic–that’s a whole different story.

NOT A SMOKER! Don’t compromise on this one.

Careful with money, not a gambler! Lives by a budget. More likely to spend paycheck on insurance than sportscar. Not an impulse buyer, except for small treats like ice cream or a small flower bouquet for a special occasion.

Likes to read. If he (and wife) like to read and read often, child will like to read and read often.

I agree about the sleep, although generally speaking, if a person is a heavy sleeper, there isn’t really a whole lot he/she can do about it except get checked out for sleep disorders.

I agree about the parents–if he is kind and respectful with his parents and yours, that’s a good sign.

Cheerfully willing to talk with future spouse about children, child-rearing philosophies, etc. Doesn’t get irritated or impatient with such discussions, or walk away grumbling or put-out. Willing to attend a child-rearing class, or watch child-rearing videos and discuss them. Willing to discuss natural family planning and work with spouse.

Hope these ideas are helpful.
 
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This is great, and brings me a lot of peace! I see all those things in my boyfriend. <3
 
seekingsynthesis said:
This is great, and brings me a lot of peace! I see all those things in my boyfriend. <3
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Yay! Best wishes to you and him and any kidlets that come along!

Just found out a few days ago that my daughter and son-in-law are expecting Peeps’ and Mr. Peeps’ first grandchild! So excited about being around a little one again after all these years!
 
Aw, that’s so exciting!! Prayers for all of you. How joyful. <3
 
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