Woman dies without the Sacraments. Am I to blame?

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As a hospice nurse, many of my patients die prepared according to their faith tradition. Most of the time, Catholic patients are well-covered in this regard as their families see to it.

Recently I had one lady who lived with her son and his very dysfunctional family. His wife is mentally ill and attempted suicide during the crisis of his mother dying at home. He has six neglected children, and his siblings refused to come near because of his family.

The last evening of her life, everyone knew she didn’t have long. She was still alert. I asked her son if she was a religious woman and he replied that she was very devout. I asked if a priest had seen her since she was sick and he said no. I asked her if she would like to see the priest and she indicated in the affirmative. When I turned to the son, he waved me off and said she didn’t need a priest.

Well, she died a few hours later without the Sacraments. I could easily have pushed the issue and called the priest myself. If ever a person needed a priest, it would have been her at that time. At the time I felt a nudge to do it, but did not.

A couple of nights later I had a dream about her. I don’t remember the details, but it left me wondering if I did right by her?
I now wish I had at least tried to get this woman the last rites whether her son is a believer or not.

Did I fail this woman? Should I have insisted on getting the priest?
The son was in such a state that if I had been forceful about it, he would have relented, I am sure. Did she have the right to have me trump the son’s wishes to get a priest? I would appreciate any insight into this dilemma.
 
In the future I would respect her wishes and always try and get someone to the Sacraments. We are all human and hindsight is 20/20.

Salvation is more important than hurting her son’s feelings, but as she desired the Sacrament we can hope that God will take care of it in His own way.

God Bless
Scylla
 
If the woman was still the one in control of the decisions (she was still competent) why would one not respect her wish/request to see a priest?
 
God bless you in your work Ceil - that can’t be an easy thing to do every day.

She desired the Sacraments and they were not available to her. At that point we pray that God’s Mercy was gracious.

~Liza
 
God will bless this woman for wanting the sacraments. Please have a Mass said for this woman because she probably has no one that will even say a prayer for her. God bless you and don’t don’t beat yourself up. You honestly didn’t know what to do.
 
Cahtryn,

That is an excellent idea. Thank you.

Philothea,

Thanks for the book suggestion, it sounds wonderful.

As far as the son goes, I was more concerned for the priest coming to a strange place. One is never sure how people like that will react. Especially the mentally ill wife.

By the way, our office has adopted the kids for Christmas, as the chaplain was told by the little girl that she didn’t think Santa was coming this year. 😦

Much of what happened wouldn’t have if it had been my case (I was on call). Well, at least I know I can pray for her.
 
I still don’t understand not trying to help a dying woman when she indicates she desires a priest.

Advise the priest what he might run up against - advise the son that it is not ‘need’ but ‘wants’ and it is her choice/request.
 
My Dad had a similar problem, but with a variation. He serves as EMHC to the elderly and homebound. At one of the senior facilities he visits, several elderly residents requested that he send his pastor to hear their confessions (the Church is across the street from the facility). My dad repeatedly relayed this information to his pastor; however, the priest never went. My Dad told him on a weekly basis, but the priest was rather flippant about it. The parish is not a very active one and, as such, there is not much going on that would have prevented the priest from visiting (after all, it is within reasonable walking distance).

Unfortunately, six of the elderly folks died without the priest ever having visited them. The residents were upset and lashed out at my dad, who had no control over the situation. My dad sent word to the bishop to see what can be done, including references from Redemptionis Sacramentum and the Circular Letter regarding the Sacrament of Confession. Evidently, something finally happened because now the priest has requested a copy of my father’s Communion list. It is very sad that it had to come to that; however, I hope that for the sake of the elderly, the priest will now fulfill his obligations to them. He is very good about sending them their collection envelopes, though.

My Dad told the priest that while he (dad) may distribute Holy Communion to the elderly, he cannot provide them the kind of pastoral, sacramental support they need. Only the priest can.

To the OP, you were placed in a very difficult situation. Talk to a good priest who can help you. Yes, we are our brother’s keeper; however, there are some circumstances that we cannot control If possible, offer a Mass for the repose of the soul of this poor woman and pray for her, as well. You may not have been able to make provisions for her sacramentally; but, nothing stops you from being able to offer Masses and pray for the repose of her soul. If anyone has the burden of guilt, it’s her son. I realize that no one of us can judge, only God; however, the son caused his mother harm by not seeing to it that she was at least given the Last Rites of the Church.
 
Ceil-1 said:
The last evening of her life, everyone knew she didn’t have long. She was still alert. I asked her son if she was a religious woman and he replied that she was very devout. I asked if a priest had seen her since she was sick and he said no. I asked her if she would like to see the priest and she indicated in the affirmative. When I turned to the son, he waved me off and said she didn’t need a priest.

Well, she died a few hours later without the Sacraments. I could easily have pushed the issue and called the priest myself. If ever a person needed a priest, it would have been her at that time. At the time I felt a nudge to do it, but did not.
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this question should have been asked when she was first admitted and the priest called right away, by the staff (who should have as standard practice clergy calls for those who request it). the problem lies with waiting until the last minute, when you might not have even been able to find a priest able to come, so she could have had the sacramental anointing of the sick. Yes the priest should have been called as soon as staff realized she was close to death, that should be SOP for any medical facility that serves the dying. I am amazed the decision was left to you, that the question even arose, and that there is not a policy and procedure in place.

if the son was not the person with legal authority to speak with her, he should not have been consulted in any case.
 
puzzleannie said:
this question should have been asked when she was first admitted and the priest called right away, by the staff (who should have as standard practice clergy calls for those who request it). the problem lies with waiting until the last minute, when you might not have even been able to find a priest able to come, so she could have had the sacramental anointing of the sick. Yes the priest should have been called as soon as staff realized she was close to death, that should be SOP for any medical facility that serves the dying. I am amazed the decision was left to you, that the question even arose, and that there is not a policy and procedure in place.

if the son was not the person with legal authority to speak with her, he should not have been consulted in any case.
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The way I read the op post, the dying woman was living with her son.
Recently I had one lady who lived with her son and his very dysfunctional family. His wife is mentally ill and attempted suicide during the crisis of his mother dying at home. He has six neglected children, and his siblings refused to come near because of his family
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Ceil, I don’t think you could have called a priest to come to another’s home without their permission. **The son had control over who enters his home. ** You could not bring a priest into the home without his permission.

There was nothing you could do. Be at peace.
 
leonie said:
The way I read the op post, the dying woman was living with her son.

Ceil, I don’t think you could have called a priest to come to another’s home without their permission. **The son had control over who enters his home. ** You could not bring a priest into the home without his permission.

There was nothing you could do. Be at peace.
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The OP did not have to bring the priest to the home but could have acted on the dying woman’s wishes and INFORMED the priest who could then have dealt with any issues of access to the woman.

It seems the OP micro managed the situation - well intentioned but the appropriateness is of that is questionable.
 
The son owned the house and told you he didn’t want a priest there. The woman desired to see a priest…without sounding too speculative this woman may have had perfect contrition. REMEMBER…Jesus said ask and you shall recieve…She asked…we must be confident that she recieved.

Many people on this board may call you to the carpet…Remember [edited by Moderator] taking care of the sick and dying…which is what you do…Sooooo I commend you for your coroporal acts of Mercy.
 
scylla said:
In the future I would respect her wishes and always try and get someone to the Sacraments. We are all human and hindsight is 20/20.

Salvation is more important than hurting her son’s feelings, but as she desired the Sacrament we can hope that God will take care of it in His own way.

God Bless
Scylla
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Scylla has pretty much said what I was going to. Now that you have experienced this unfortunate incident you can make the decision to at the very least call and talk to a Priest to see what can be done.

Leonie said "Ceil, I don’t think you could have called a priest to come to another’s home without their permission. **The son had control over who enters his home. ** You could not bring a priest into the home without his permission. "

The part that Leonie has highlighted may very well be true. I am going to go into that hindisight is 20/20 thing here now, next time you encounter something like this, ask if you can call the Priest - the son may just have been too shy or scared to do so.

In the meantime, pray for her, have a Mass said for her and don’t worry that you didn’t do the right thing - sometimes we have to experience something before we can know what the options are.

Brenda V.
 
THurifer2 said:
Many people on this board may call you to the carpet…Remember most of those who sit back and call you to the carpet are the same people who spend their time running their mouths instead of taking care of the sick and dying…which is what you do…Sooooo I commend you for your coroporal acts of Mercy
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And many, while not caring for the sick and dying, do more than ‘spend their time running their mouths’.

It is sad you opt to be so insulting to people you do not know.
 
Just_1_hr_a_wk said:
And many, while not caring for the sick and dying, do more than ‘spend their time running their mouths’.

It is sad you opt to be so insulting to people you do not know.
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If someone was insulted then they should take a long hard look at why they feel insulted.
 
[Edited by Moderator]

I think the OP did what she could given the circumstances she was in. She is not to blame - the son should have been receptive to his mother’s wishes in his own home. I don’t believe blame has any place here.

[Edited by Moderator]

~Liza
 
lizaanne said:
[Edited by Moderator]

I think the OP did what she could given the circumstances she was in. She is not to blame - the son should have been receptive to his mother’s wishes in his own home. I don’t believe blame has any place here.

[Edited by Moderator]

~Liza
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My point is this - the OP did not do what she could and made decisions on behalf of the priest and the son.

OP indicated about not wanting to bring the priest into the situation at the son’s house - something that is not her call. OP needed only convey the woman’s wish and let the priest negotiate with the son and his family.
 
Well - what’s done is done. I’m not prepared to tar and feather this woman who spends her days with dying people because she was put in a situation (she was on call - this was not her case) she was unable to handle due to the son. She did what she did - so now what? What would you suggest? Stones? Rocks maybe?

I call for prayers - for the OP and the woman’s soul. And the son as well.

~Liza
 
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