Women: is it important to marry a man who can be bread-winner?

[savienu]

Well, I guess I’ll ditto this post too.

I have often felt the same way you did when reading these boards. I always knew I wanted children but I never realized, until I had one, just how much I wanted to be a SAHM. Now it’s all I want to do, but can’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m not called to the vocation of marriage and motherhood.

I agree. It really hurts that I can’t be home, and sometimes I feel like a failure as a wife and mother because of it. I haven’t seen these comments, but if I did, I know they would be REALLY painful, because I already feel enough irrational guilt on my own, ykwim? My DH and I work opposite shifts and he’s home with our son (and my stepdaughter when she’s around), so they don’t have to be in daycare, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not home with them.

 

[Naomi]

I think it’s important for a couple to have the same income and life style expections . We are really struggling on his income . I’m tweaking the bugdet so I can stay home until our youngest starts school . Then I can go to work and rescue us . I don’t feel like DH contributes very much . He has a job , he doesn’t drink , he doesn’t yell , he doesn’t beat us , he doesn’t chase women and i always know where he is - work , home or K of C . That is a lot to be grateful for and I am grateful. But i 'm sick of bean soup . I’m sick of pretending that I can get new furniture as soon as the children are a little less leaky . Our furniture is 18 years old and smells it ! He thinks we’re doing well if we can afford cable .

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I think it is important to marry a man with a good work ethic and the desire to support his wife and children. That doesn’t mean he has to be the sole supporter–just that he understands that it is his responsibility to provide as best he can.

Just wanted to ask for clarification here…

Are you saying that a husband has the responsibility to provide FINANCIALLY? Because honestly…if my husband could go back to being a full time stay-at-home dad and wanted to…I would be ALL about that! I LOVED having him home. But, he really likes working outside the home and since we have our scheduled the way we do with no daycare needed…it works out.

But I’d hate for a man to think that if he is home providing for the family by caring for the children and home …that he’s not providing for his family.

I just wasn’t sure what you meant.

 

[mercygate]

Theses stories are very inspiring–thanks for sharing.

That is what I meant, one never knows what can happen. Once children hit school age, I think even working parttime is beneficial, because again–never know what can happen. I lost my parents when I was a young child, so life doesn’t give us gaurantees, that’s for sure. I also read threads on here where men walk out on their marriages, and give the bare minimum for child support. We shouldn’t go into marriage thinking someone will walk out on us, lol…but, never know what can happen. I have seen women unprepared on both sides, having to work multiple jobs, after their husbands either died or left them…had these women done some parttime work even, they could have had a skill set built up, in case something unfortunate happened to their finances.

I also highly suggest women not being in the dark about their finances. Both men and women should have access to accounts in the home, and just because a woman is not working, doesn’t mean she should have to ‘ask’ her husband for money. Women who are not working outside of the home, need to make sure that they know where the money is going every month. I have read threads on here too, where women have commented that their husbands left them, and they had no money left in the account, because their husbands controlled the finances. Just another thing to consider…be on equal footing, on all aspects of your finances, in your marriage. While my husband is the ‘head’ of the household, we both know what our financial status is, and we both have a say in certain purchases, etc…no one person is controlling everything. I think that is a shame, when I see female friends of mine totally clueless to what their husbands spend money on, and they have to ask for money.

I think the chances of being “walked out on” decrease the more competent a woman is.

 

[lizaanne]

p.s I would love to hear from the women who have to work outside of the home to make ends meet. Do you wish you had put more thought into your husband’s income before marriage? I know for myself that the thought does cross my mind from time to time. NOT that I would trade in my husband for someone who makes more money, but just that I wish he had been a little more goal oriented so he wouldn’t be so stressed now about providing for our family.

I would not even think twice about not marrying my husband because of his earning potential. He works for a non-profit Catholic apostolate, is not paid nearly what he’s worth, and has no benefits. I HAVE to work or we would not have health insurance and would retire in cardboard boxes. We don’t have children, and probably will never be able to, but if we did I don’t know how I could be a SAHM mom given our circumstances.

Sure - DH could get a better job, but would I rather have him working in corporate America to get a better pay check, or working to bring souls to Christ? Hmmmmm - let me think about that…no, wait, I don’t need to. It’s a no-brainer.

~Liza

 

[kevinsgirl]

Just wanted to ask for clarification here…

Are you saying that a husband has the responsibility to provide FINANCIALLY? Because honestly…if my husband could go back to being a full time stay-at-home dad and wanted to…I would be ALL about that! I LOVED having him home. But, he really likes working outside the home and since we have our scheduled the way we do with no daycare needed…it works out.

But I’d hate for a man to think that if he is home providing for the family by caring for the children and home …that he’s not providing for his family.

I just wasn’t sure what you meant.

I think the husband has the responsibility as the head of the family to make sure the family is provided for financially. Does that mean he has to be the one working outside of the home? No–it could definitely work out that he’s an at home dad and providing for the family that way. (I’ve run this one by my DH a few times. He prefers to work outside the home though too. )

I didn’t mean he wouldn’t be providing if he was at home…just that he has a responsibility to see that his family is taken care of…whether he accomplishes that by staying home with the kids or being the breadwinner.

 

[savienu]

I also highly suggest women not being in the dark about their finances. Both men and women should have access to accounts in the home, and just because a woman is not working, doesn’t mean she should have to ‘ask’ her husband for money. Women who are not working outside of the home, need to make sure that they know where the money is going every month. I have read threads on here too, where women have commented that their husbands left them, and they had no money left in the account, because their husbands controlled the finances. Just another thing to consider…be on equal footing, on all aspects of your finances, in your marriage. While my husband is the ‘head’ of the household, we both know what our financial status is, and we both have a say in certain purchases, etc…no one person is controlling everything. I think that is a shame, when I see female friends of mine totally clueless to what their husbands spend money on, and they have to ask for money.

Well, that wouldn’t be a problem for my DH and I…I handle the bills because he’s not good with money management. But we both equally know the money we have.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I didn’t mean he wouldn’t be providing if he was at home…just that he has a responsibility to see that his family is taken care of…whether he accomplishes that by staying home with the kids or being the breadwinner.

Ok. That makes more sense to me. Call me ultra-sensitive these days…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I only really think about it when well-meaning SAHM’s say things that hurt my feelings or make me question God’s plan for me and my DH. I don’t mean this as you, Malia. I mean this in general…especially on these boards…sometimes comments that ARE WELL-MEANING really are pretty mean things to say.

I hope it didn’t come across as hurtful. My husband and I are living paycheck to paycheck now and I don’t know what we’d do if that wasn’t enough…I am not even able to work. But I can completely understand why many families need two incomes just to survive.

One time, it’s been a couple of years, though…someone said something along the lines that if women were in marriages where they HAD to work, they must not have really been called to the vocation of wife and motherhood. Now that, really ticked me off.

That was insensitive for sure. That is like saying that all people who live in poverty all over the world are not called to married/family life.
.

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Malia, I wasn’t thinking your question was hurtful. No worries. Actually, I am much more secure in my situation now than I was over the few years leading up to my third daughter’s birth.

But, yes, some people say things without really thinking…I don’t think most people mean any harm…but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause any. If that makes sense.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Malia, I wasn’t thinking your question was hurtful. No worries.
**
OK, good. I was just really curious and was hoping that it would also help the OP. I tried to word things as best as I could.**

Actually, I am much more secure in my situation now than I was over the few years leading up to my third daughter’s birth.

**Good for you mama! **

But, yes, some people say things without really thinking…I don’t think most people mean any harm…but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t cause any. If that makes sense.

Makes perfect sense. It happens to all of us (on the giving and the receiving ends). Being sick for most of my life has really opened me up to insensitive and hurtful remarks so I know exactly what you mean. And I am sure I have made way more than my share of unintentionally hurtful remarks in my life

 

[smallcat]

p.

s I would love to hear from the women who have to work outside of the home to make ends meet. Do you wish you had put more thought into your husband’s income before marriage? I know for myself that the thought does cross my mind from time to time. NOT that I would trade in my husband for someone who makes more money, but just that I wish he had been a little more goal oriented so he wouldn’t be so stressed now about providing for our family.

This is a post close to my heart. When DH and I married, I was a nominal Catholic and quite focused on my education and career. We avoided pregnancy for the first 8 years of our marriage so that I could achieve my degree. It was “clear” (ha!) to us at first that I would be the one making more money in our marriage, so he made sacrifices in his career so that I could pursue mine. Well, lo and behold, something (called grace) happened. We tried the stay at home dad thing and it didn’t work for us. I felt called to stay home with our kids.

So now he works full-time and I work part-time a few days a month. His job is the one we rely on, even though I could make 3-4x his salary if I went back to work FT. He’s struggling because he started out late in his field- he would have been farther ahead if he hadn’t made the sacrifices he had for my career early on. I work only on days he is free to watch the kids, and I do so to provide savings for our kids’ college funds and because I really do enjoy it. His job is the one we depend on, though. If there were an emergency or we ever felt like our kids needed more of me at home, I would quit in a heartbeat.

Sometimes I really beat myself up about our previous choices- I should have realized the truth long ago, that my primary vocation is as a wife and mohter, and allowed him to focus on his career earlier instead of struggling as he is now- but I have a hard time doing that too much when I see the graces God has poured out to us because of all we’ve been through. Our foolish choices earlier led us, indirectly, back to the Church. His staying at home with our eldest two for a time really strengthened our marriage. Who knows what God’s plans are? All I know is I’m happy with where I am now.

 

[savienu]

p.

This is a post close to my heart. When DH and I married, I was a nominal Catholic and quite focused on my education and career. We avoided pregnancy for the first 8 years of our marriage so that I could achieve my degree. It was “clear” (ha!) to us at first that I would be the one making more money in our marriage, so he made sacrifices in his career so that I could pursue mine. Well, lo and behold, something (called grace) happened. We tried the stay at home dad thing and it didn’t work for us. I felt called to stay home with our kids.

So now he works full-time and I work part-time a few days a month. His job is the one we rely on, even though I could make 3-4x his salary if I went back to work FT. He’s struggling because he started out late in his field- he would have been farther ahead if he hadn’t made the sacrifices he had for my career early on. I work only on days he is free to watch the kids, and I do so to provide savings for our kids’ college funds and because I really do enjoy it. His job is the one we depend on, though. If there were an emergency or we ever felt like our kids needed more of me at home, I would quit in a heartbeat.

Sometimes I really beat myself up about our previous choices- I should have realized the truth long ago, that my primary vocation is as a wife and mohter, and allowed him to focus on his career earlier instead of struggling as he is now- but I have a hard time doing that too much when I see the graces God has poured out to us because of all we’ve been through. Our foolish choices earlier led us, indirectly, back to the Church. His staying at home with our eldest two for a time really strengthened our marriage. Who knows what God’s plans are? All I know is I’m happy with where I am now.

Thank you. Your post is very encouraging, and the beginning of your journey sounds a little bit like mine. It gives me hope that I may be able to be home with my children one day, if God wills it.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with much said here.

I think the thing that I always had in mind is this…If my husband didn’t have a good job say, when our kids were babies/little, I would have rather worked myself, and have perhaps a friend/family member watching our kids, than having my husband work three jobs or something, and never seeing his own kids. I think it’s more than admirable for a man to work multiple jobs for his family, but if I had my druthers, and I found myself in a situation where my husband didn’t make enough with one job to support the family, I just would (personally) not want him working so much that he misses out on the precious moments of the kids growing up. Kids need time with their dads just as much as with their moms. Yes, we are the nurturers, but we can see when kids for example grow up with one parent, say from divorce, they are affected greatly, in many times, negative ways. I remember a good friend back in college, we would talk about our upbringings, and she would lament about how her dad had a good work ethic, always was working to support them, but she had wished when she was in school, that her mom worked a little to help out, so her dad didn’t have to work so many hours. She said she didn’t see him much growing up, although she respected him, she missed him. Missed the time together.

I don’t really see that a man’s sole job in life is to be the bread winner. I was fortunate to be able to stay at home when the kids were little, but not every mom can, and she shouldn’t feel that her husband is less than, because he doesn’t have one set job that allows her to stay at home. I also don’t think that all daycares are equal. Certainly, it’s always best for mom or dad to be at home, but there are some excellent daycares out there (pricey) but they are out there, and my dd went to preschool, and still to this day, talks about how much she loved it. So, if it were me, and let’s say I had to make a choice…work parttime or fulltime, so my husband wouldn’t have to work multiple jobs (if he didn’t have one to support the family and this was the only choice before us) I would opt to work, so we could be together more, and he could enjoy time with his kids. I also think it’s not healthy for a person to work more than 50-55 hours per week…we work way too long (hours) in this country…our health situation in this country sort of reflects that, I think.

I’ll also say that the sum total of a man, isn’t what he does for a living, so long as he has a strong work ethic, and loves his family. The Bible speaks about people who don’t work…‘they shouldn’t eat.’ But, we are not what we do, as much as who we are in Christ.

Ok–just my thoughts. I have enjoyed this thread!

 

[Just_wondering]

I answered that it’s nice but not essential. My boyfriend is not currently winning much bread. A lot of people, including him, have mentioned that to me and wondered why I’m still interested. I’ve just signed a contract for a new job that pays three times what he earns excluding his overtime. However, I’m still planning to marry this man. Why?

First, he puts a lot of value on providing for him family. He will work as hard as it takes to make sure his family is fed and housed. I know that he’s not going to sit around on his butt and complain about how God isn’t dropping opportunities into his lap. I hope he won’t have to continue working this hard when we’re married, but I know he’ll do what it takes.

Second, he absolutely loves children and wants to be part of a happy family. That’s how I know that he’ll do his best to come home on time after work whenever possible. I don’t want a man who puts work above his family either. This one won’t.

Third, he’s responsible with money. He puts money into an education fund for his two kids every month, before he spends even a penny on himself. Even though he’s struggling financially right now, he’s still thinking about the future. I like that.

So I’m probably going to have to work outside the home once we’re married. My boyfriend would like to be the sole provider if possible, but has said that if I want to work outside the home, that’s okay too. I agree with Whatevergirl that kids need to see their father, too, so I’m going on the assumption that I’ll be working part time while raising our children, so my boyfriend will be able to work a little less and spend time with the family.

 

[ChristinaM]

Okay, this is really starting to bother me, as I’ve seen this here and in several other threads on this forum. The common theme I’m seeing here is that it is fine for the woman to work - IF it is absolutely financially necessary. But what if it isn’t a dire financial need? What if I just really love my work and have a passion for my career? Does that make me a bad Catholic?

I’ve talked about this with my FI and he would be fine being a stay-at-home dad. He is perfectly capable of working and has a great job, but he feels less strongly about his career and has less ambition than I do. However, my career will require some years of advanced study and we will need him to keep working for a while until I get well established. I don’t think we have serious enough reasons to postpone pregnancy for 5+ years. I know I will probably have to put my children in daycare and I already feel guilty about that. I’m feeling even worse seeing the messages on this thread.

Motherhood is a noble calling. My own mother was a SAHM and I respect her highly. But I believe that God gave me certain talents to work in my field and to use these talents I will need to work outside the home. To not use the the skills I have been given would be like hiding my lamp under a bushel basket. And yes, I have heard the arguments about the way mothers use all their skills in the home. Does God intend all women who are called to marriage to never work full-time outside the home?

Is a working mother who *chooses *to work a bad mother? I sure hope not. I’m not necessarily looking for affirmation (because I think many will disagree with me)…just clarification.

 

[Just_wondering]

Okay, this is really starting to bother me, as I’ve seen this here and in several other threads on this forum. The common theme I’m seeing here is that it is fine for the woman to work - IF it is absolutely financially necessary. But what if it isn’t a dire financial need? What if I just really love my work and have a passion for my career? Does that make me a bad Catholic?

I’ve talked about this with my FI and he would be fine being a stay-at-home dad. He is perfectly capable of working and has a great job, but he feels less strongly about his career and has less ambition than I do. However, my career will require some years of advanced study and we will need him to keep working for a while until I get well established. I don’t think we have serious enough reasons to postpone pregnancy for 5+ years. I know I will probably have to put my children in daycare and I already feel guilty about that. I’m feeling even worse seeing the messages on this thread.

Motherhood is a noble calling. My own mother was a SAHM and I respect her highly. But I believe that God gave me certain talents to work in my field and to use these talents I will need to work outside the home. To not use the the skills I have been given would be like hiding my lamp under a bushel basket. And yes, I have heard the arguments about the way mothers use all their skills in the home. Does God intend all women who are called to marriage to never work full-time outside the home?

Is a working mother who ***chooses ***to work a bad mother? I sure hope not. I’m not necessarily looking for affirmation (because I think many will disagree with me)…just clarification.

I don’t think it’s wrong for a mother to choose to work outside the home. Some women are just not cut out to be full-time stay at home moms. If your husband ends up being a great stay at home dad, that’s no problem. My siblings and I had a nanny when we were growing up, and I think we were better off for it - my mom would have gone insane if she’d stayed home.

For myself, I’m not sure if I’ll be a good SAHM. My boyfriend would probably be a good SAHD but I think it would interfere with his self-esteem. He sees a man’s role as provider being most important. I will probably try to be a SAHM if our finances permit, but I think I’ll be happier working at least part time outside the home anyway.

If you feel dedicated to your career, and your husband is willing to stay home, I don’t see any problem with it. If your kids end up in daycare, then as long as between the two of you you’re spending enough time with them to really impart your values, you should be doing fine too. And don’t be too surprised if you end up feeling less passion for your career when the kids come along - I’ve known several women who were dedicated career women until they had kids, and then suddenly their priorities changed. Don’t be too disappointed if that happens to you. But I think a balance is necessary. Do what you think is right.

 

[ChristinaM]

And don’t be too surprised if you end up feeling less passion for your career when the kids come along - I’ve known several women who were dedicated career women until they had kids, and then suddenly their priorities changed. Don’t be too disappointed if that happens to you.

I just knew someone was going to come along and say that. I do think it’s true. I’m aware that nothing is carved in stone, especially before kids come along. I’m very open to the fact that I may change my mind. Trying to make a career in academia is often fraught with much difficulty and disappointment. It may be that God will use such a disappointment to point the way towards another path. It may be that I just don’t find as much satisfaction in my work as I had hoped.

I just wanted to make it clear that I am very much open to being a SAHM if it becomes clear that that is God’s plan for me. I do not consider it a “last resort” but one of many possible paths. I apologize if I sounded a bit defensive in my last post. However, I do wonder if, in the eyes of the Catholic posters here, choosing the vocation of motherhood means that I should give up my other aspirations. Would it be better for professional women to be like nuns and completely shun marriage and motherhood, if they do not intend to be at home full-time with their children?

 

[graceandglory]

It’s a new day. Housing is far more expensive than it was when my parents were just starting out. When my mom was a stay at home mom, she had lots of company in her wealthy affluent town. That was 40 yrs ago. Today a man in my dad’s career couldn’t be the sole breadwinner and keep a wife and children in the same exact home I grew up in.

While it would be nice, it’s not necessary to have a good healthy holy Catholic marriage.

It might be necessary in some people’s minds of “what the American Dream is.”

Compared to the rest of the world, no, having one breadwinner isn’t the be all and end all of a happy marriage.

 

[lotusblossom]

LOL! I picked it’d be nice but not essential…

What’s funny about this is that up until I met and began dating my DH, I had sworn up and down I’d never marry a teacher b/c they don’t make any money . Yeah, God showed me ! DH is a high school math teacher and I am so glad he is! He loves his job and has such a gift!

Now, I am working from home, but not because it’s absolutely necessary - it just helps takes the bite off a little. Also, I almost put it IS essential, because DH would never allow me to be the breadwinner unless he was physically unable to.