Deborah Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University and author of the book
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation proposes the following theory:
There are two universal truths in the world about human relationships. When a man chooses a mate he looks for beauty. When a woman chooses a mate she looks for security. And this is true throughout the world; whether in more sophisticated societies or more primitive tribal cultures, or anything in between.
However, there are no one-size-fits-all definitions of beauty and security. In our western culture we tend to equate beauty with physical appearance and security with financial wealth. But in a more primitive tribal culture, a man may see beauty in a woman as one who can bear him many children and a woman may see security in a man who is physically strong and can defend and provide for his family.
And then you can get into more abstract terms like a woman who has a certain “inner beauty” or a man who provides "emotional security.
But the bottom line is a man always seeks beauty and a woman always seeks security.
Just throwing this into the conversation…
Thank-you, this is so nice.
Yes, I remember all of this. Yet, in the dating seen, as I was actually dating and flirting, without the knowledge that I was looking for a mate, nor actually flirting, I have seen the above possibility. I have talked to other women, who also flirt without their knowing it, and it is no great stretch for those women to know they were dating without dating at times, again without knowing it.
The last two men, who snuck into my affections, for the above hypothetically stated female attractive reasons, did in fact look great to me. Not at first were they. It happened later. Others that I have dated, unknowingly become attractive also. The range was from wealthy to poor, but they individually did have the required ability to be a male mate according to the above theory. The one with money knew how to make money, and always did. The poor one has the body to provide years of sustainable security, and had already demonstrated that effortlessly for him, for many many years. I imagine the motivations for me, actually and unfelt are about child rearing.
However, not stated but, probably implied, and probably also a requirement in women for attractiveness in men, in child rearing female wise, is more than economics and a sustainable economic life, it is about ethics and morality, to me. The definition of both of those are probably mine, and possibly by extension, it is also the other primary motivator for all other women; relative and personal ethics and morality such that the child is raised the way the mother thinks they should be raised. Yes, again probably for the child’s survivability, but also for the world’s survivability, as all women want that also, and concurrently with our other desires and wants.
Each man became, and there have been others irresistably at times so attractive in time, that there comes a time with them that I want to throw myslelf at them, however, that never happened out of fear of losing my primary relationship. So I fight back and tell them, of my problem, each time and I then distanced myself from them long enough, not to get into trouble. AND, my accidental men are amazing this way, as words alone do the work. Words alone never work for me. It takes months to hope and pray for this to stop. It does. Of course for men who are non trolls only, as we all know of stories of the other men, and we each may have even met some of them from time to time. But for non trolls words only work.
So, in me, attractiveness is variable in me, the actual man’s initial appearance does not count, it is what is inside of the man that counts and turns into attractiveness. Also just tonight, I met an old accidental flame, and he is no longer attractive to me. I would love to go into the reasons, but he was stunningly not attractive to me.
Sure I am only repeating in a way, and possibly extending a little the above theory, but essentially still exactly what she said above, however, I am doing so in my terms and words, as I experience this phenomenon. It is also as it happens for me. Guys, get attractive accidentally for me, in accidental dating, and then I am hooked for awhile to the point that they are so attractive, I am irresistably drawn to them looks wise and want to throw myself at them.
Now, the next part is totally off topic, but one day, I might have to explain a recent developement in my marriage, it is the mystical kind. Yet, in all other ways and in all other thoughts and in all other experiences, it is precisely like every other woman’s marriage relationship that I have ever known.
I would not have to say, this, if in fact my guy had not changed something. Hopefully I will never have to talk of that. Yet, our marriage is still strong and still certain, and I do check in, and the answers and the actions are always the same. Married, with family.
All the above, accidental dating and flirting, happened within that marriage relationship. I have really just found out, that for some reason or another, even being married to the perfect man, other guys sneak into my affections, some of the time, then there is work to do.
So Lost Sheep, if you are male, and if you are morale and ethical in my view, and if you have the requirements to be the male I want and need for my child and the world, and if you are capable to provide the long term secutity, intially even in my mystical marriage, I will not notice ever and start unknowingly flirting with you. If I don’t catch myself eventually, you will become irresistably attractive to me, by my past experiences.
…Katerina.
AH, so THAT’S why helen picked me,
