Wondering about what could have been

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ksujen

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Is it wrong to wonder about what could have been with an old flame? I am a happily married woman and on Tuesday all of a sudden and old friend sent me an IM. We started talking and he is also married. Ever since that conversation I keep thinking about what would my life have been like if we had gotten together. We were friends in college, but never really dated only because I always had a boyfriend. I feel like I am obsessing over what could have been with him and I want to see him again and get back to the good friendship we use to have. I’m just worried that my husband and his wife would think we had more than just a friendship. Is it wrong to think that I wish I had dated him before I got married? I feel like I’m being unfaithful to my hubby just by talking to this guy (he does know we are talking).
 
To me, I believe it is not an unfaithfulness but rather a temptation. You need to reject this temptation with God’s help, and keep praying for a better relationship with your husband.

God bless.
 
Welcome to CAF! 🙂 If you are feeling guilty about talking to this man, then your conscience and the Holy Spirit are trying to tell you something. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned and it was your husband talking to a woman friend from his past and entertaining such thoughts. You could very well be playing with fire here. Don’t fall into the devil’s trap – put your marriage first, and trust in God that you and this man did not end up together because it wasn’t meant to be. You each ended up with your respective spouses for a reason. Don’t lose sight of this by playing “what if.” The only way you might be able to pursue a friendship with this man would be if the two of you include your spouses and form a “couples” friendship. And even that might be risky if you have unresolved feelings for him. Proceed with caution…and prayer!

God bless,
CarrieH
 
Don’t focus on “what if” but rather on “what is”. I would not have contact with him, not drum up a friendship, and definitely assert my will to not thinking about such things.

Yes, I do think it’s wrong because it is an emotional disloyalty to your husband and it is a temptation to you.

Stop it now, before you really start investing emotionally. If one “IM” put you this far down the path, what would pursuing a “friendship” do???
 
1ke said:
Don’t focus on “what if” but rather on “what is”. I would not have contact with him, not drum up a friendship, and definitely assert my will to not thinking about such things.

Yes, I do think it’s wrong because it is an emotional disloyalty to your husband and it is a temptation to you.

Stop it now, before you really start investing emotionally. If one “IM” put you this far down the path, what would pursuing a “friendship” do???
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I agree with this post. I mean, all of these thoughts and wonders filled your mind after just ONE “IM.” You better cut off contact with him because face it, you are a weak sinner just like the rest of us and need to stop fooling yourself with the idea that you only want to seek friendship with him. I mean, to me, it sounds like you are lamenting the fact that the two of you never dated since you had such a great friendship back then. You need to honestly ask yourself why you are thinking about what it could have been like to have dated him. Because next, if not already, you’ll be asking yourself, “I wonder what it would have been like to be married to him?” You say you are happily married now, then why would you even indulge these ideas of what it would have been like to have been with this guy? Are you ready to begin dreaming about the breakup between you two that led you to your beloved husband?!? Come on! You gave your heart, MIND, body, and soul to one man. Love him with ALL that you are, which includes with your thoughts. Remember what our Lord said about adultery beginning in the heart even before any action…so stop these thoughts and interactions with this man before the temptation becomes stronger and monstrous.
 
I would not be in contact with a former male friend. I know that my husband would feel odd about it, at the very least, and it would be a definite temptation. I don’t think it is appropriate for married people to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. Like a previous poster said, focus on “what is”. You married your husband for a reason, after all. 🙂 If your former flame had a sense of propriety, he would not be IMing you, since both of you are married to other people!
 
Run!!!

Run right into your husbands arms.

Forget what ‘might have been’ and concentrate on ‘what is’.

You came here because you feel guilty. Otherwise you would have called this other man. In your heart you know it is wrong.
 
I agree with everyone else. You’re being emotionally unfaithful to your husband. End it/block him before any more comes of it.

Reverse the situation for a moment and think about how you’d feel if your husband and a female friend started chatting. You’d probably feel pretty well cheated and unloved thinking “what can he get from her that he can’t get from me” I’m guessing that’s how your husband feels.
 
ksujen said:
Ever since that conversation I keep thinking about what would my life have been like if we had gotten together. I feel like I am obsessing over what could have been with him. I’m just worried that my husband and his wife would think we had more than just a friendship.
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Yeah…from what you have said, your husband and his wife would be right to be concerned. Sounds like rekindling your friendship with this man is the last thing you need to do, IMO…you ARE a married woman. I would even cut out the IMs if I were you. You are just creating a situation that could cause a lot of people a lot of pain. Thinking about what could have been is normal, but trying to reconnect with “an old flame” or even posting a thread about doing so, is taking it too far. If it were your husband who was having these feelings and considering rebuilding a friendship with a woman from his past…a woman who he wished he had dated before you…whould you be cool with that?

Don’t do it. You already took the vows…**no looking back, sweetie.:hug1: **
 
I agree with everyone…this is not appropriate for a married woman, and it is definately a temptation. I don’t know about you, but I would not be happy if my husband told me he wanted to rekindle a friendship with an exgirlfriend!

I have heard several people in this situation say things like “we didn’t plan on this happening…we were just friends and eventually we realized we still love each other!” It is not uncommon. Even if things are great with your husband, having any sort of close relationship with another man could cause cracks in your marriage. And when things are cracked it takes only the smallest “bump” to make them break!

Maybe getting together as couples could be okay, but only if his wife and your husband are interested in that as well. But in my opinion, even that could be dangerous if you are still fantasizing over “what could have been” with this guy. I think the most prudent thing to do would be to not have contact with this man!
 
My advise is not to think about what could have been like to have married him… but to be happy that he is happiliy married.

I did a search for an old high school boyfriend. I found him and he sent me pictures of him and his wife and kids. I was truly happy that he had a happy family life.

Think about it… it has been years and time has changed you and him.
I think about my old boyfriends and how I turned them down and didn’t marry them. I don’t think…“What if” because I was not compatiable with them at the time.

Stop looking for the Greener grass over the hill…it could be a murky dirty place. Stop dreaming and be happy with what you have.
 
Do not even go there. It is great right now–someone is taking an interest in you, and you are in a fantasy world. Thinking out what if? You aren’t living with this man, leaving the toothpaste cap off, arguing about the kids, making those big decisions, etc., So he will seem wonderful and so will everything he says. I know from experience, that these innocent dealings are not good. I also agree with a previous post–if you have to ask, you know in your heart it is wrong. Fantasizing about a life, and sharing one, are two different things. If you are doing this–communicating/sharing with another man/another woman’s wife and keeping it secret from your husband, than you are indeed being unfaithful. This is the beginning of an emotional affair that will most certainly stand the chance of becoming physical. Do not get together as couples because you would be doing it for the wrong reasons if you think you could have feelings for him–even as a “friend”. I also believe he is obviously having some difficulty in his marriage searching you out in the first place. If he is faithful to his wife, would he be contacting you? Do NOT fall into this trap. I am the wife of a husband who recently had an affair with my best friend–our friend. We were friends as couples. It started out through their talking in secret…e-mails…then cell calls…this went on over months and it did eventually become physical although I am sure it was not their intention from the start. Focus on your husband right now and everything you love about him, and end the contact with this man.
 
A good way of looking at this is to put yourself in your husband’s shoes–how might you feel if he were chatting with an old flame or old female friend, and wondering ‘what if?’ Probably not very good. When faced with these thoughts, it is good to run that scenario through your mind, and wonder how it might make you feel.

In other words–pray that these thoughts pass, and that you cherish the present that you have with your family.🙂
 
CarrieH said:
Welcome to CAF! 🙂 If you are feeling guilty about talking to this man, then your conscience and the Holy Spirit are trying to tell you something. Imagine how you would feel if the tables were turned and it was your husband talking to a woman friend from his past and entertaining such thoughts. Proceed with caution…and prayer!

CarrieH
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I second this advice. I also think you need to talk to a person about this. Get with your priest and talk it out. I do not suggest talking it out with your husband. It would just hurt him.

Right now, I’m in the discernment phase of my relationship with my boyfriend. Part of this phase is examining old relationships. Did you do this before you wed? Perhaps it’s time to do that and honestly look at the old flame through the eyes of Christ. This is an opportunity to fall in love with your husband all over again, but I would go through this work with a spiritual father.

God bless
 
There have been some really great replies here.

I would add something that I have found so fruitful in my relationship already, and we have no yet married. Take this temptation, this splinter in your mind and conscience – take it to your husband, let him know openly what you have felt and discuss the matter with him. You may be surprised by his response. Many times I felt the urge to meet the people my fiancee has had a crush on. It gives me a way to know how I might further please her romantically or improve personally. Whatever you decide, be certain to include your husband fully, and perhaps pray about it together, especially if the temptation lingers.

The devil thrives in secrecy, but the light of Christ will shine in openness.

Peace be with you.
 
ksujen said:
Is it wrong to wonder about what could have been with an old flame? I am a happily married woman and on Tuesday all of a sudden and old friend sent me an IM. We started talking and he is also married. Ever since that conversation I keep thinking about what would my life have been like if we had gotten together. We were friends in college, but never really dated only because I always had a boyfriend. I feel like I am obsessing over what could have been with him and I want to see him again and get back to the good friendship we use to have. I’m just worried that my husband and his wife would think we had more than just a friendship. Is it wrong to think that I wish I had dated him before I got married? I feel like I’m being unfaithful to my hubby just by talking to this guy (he does know we are talking).
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This situation reminds me of the old Garth Brooks song. “Thank God for unanswered Prayers”.

There is no reason to rekindle a flame/friendship from College. Those years are long gone. Don’t allow the Devil to play with your marriage by opening up a crack that doesn’t need to be there. Choose to love your husband with all your heart. Live in the present because you can’t change the past!
 
Friendship is one thing, but wishing you had dated him is another.

Do you wish you had dated him but later stopped? That’d be wishing you had engaged in a pointless thing doomed from the beginning. Doesn’t make much sense logically.

Or do you wish you had dated him and then what? You don’t wish you hadn’t married your husband, after all. 😉 So there’s a contradiction here.

And if there’s a logical contradiction, it means something’s getting a little bit weird. 😉
 
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