I have a new friend I’ve known a few months, a very sweet lady who went through RCIA last year and has an Adoration holy hour, and seems delighted to be Catholic. But there’s something that’s troubling me.
I don’t want to be making quick assumptions that aren’t my place to make, but from conversations I have picked up on the fact that when she travels or is visiting people who don’t go to church, which she frequently does, she will say that she “didn’t make it to church.” I think partly she doesn’t want to insist on it with these people, or else during RCIA maybe she didn’t get that Sunday Mass is a serious obligation?
I’m not sure how to approach this – the person in question was not religious before this, has undergone a genuine conversion as far as I can tell, and I don’t want to mess it up by being “heavy handed” in my approach,
but I would like to help her know what she should do as a Catholic and encourage her to not regard Mass attendance in the same category as “optional activities,” if you know what I mean.
What do I do? How do I approach it, lovingly and with my friend’s best spiritual interests in mind?
You’ve heard many suggestions on this board. I speak as a recent convert. I had no religious background. First, please do NOT assume that “went through RCIA” means “catechized.” Second, one of the failings of many parishes, IMHO, is that we baptize and/or confirm new Catholics, and then leave them to sink or swim. Few parishes have mystagogy, and when they do, it’s often a few weeks at most. After Easter Vigil, the new convert is just one more person in the pews, and they often develop more questions than they even knew to ask in RCIA–and don’t know where to go ask them. As a friend, you can be there for this person.
Please do ask this lady how things are going. People commenting on this thread have accused others of everything from being nosy to being ready to investigate political beliefs. Disreagard those straw men—treat this woman as your friend. Don’t assume, don’t accuse, but start a friendly conversation. One of the great things about being Catholic is going to Mass in new places. When you talk about her recent vacation or visits, ask her how was the Mass, how was the music, was the church beautiful, was the preaching better/worse/more inspiring, etc. In other words, assume she met her obligation and went to Mass. If she didn’t, it’ll come out. If she had a valid reason to skip, it’ll come out.
IMHO, you have a Christian duty to love her. That means wanting the best for her. That means desiring for her to go to heaven, and doing everything you can do to make that happen. Don’t assume, don’t accuse, but lead the conversation so that she volunteers the information. If it does come out that she “doesn’t make it to church,” then gently explain about the obligation. Not “you go to hell if you don’t comply,” but perhaps ask her “how did they explain the obligation to attend Mass on Sundays and Holy days of obligation in your RCIA class?” Then you explain how it was taught to you, have the appropriate paragraphs from the Catechism ready to show and explain, and thus compare notes.
I had a conversation with a long, long, long-time Catholic woman where this came up. I’m teaching CCD and she had volunteered to be my teacher’s aide. I asked her, just in a coversational way, which Mass she attended (I wanted to get a feel for which music she was exposed to, as I plan on incorporating singing in the classes). She said, no other probing on my part, “I haven’t been making it to Mass.” I gently nudged her to make her own conclusion about the need to go to Mass, and how poor an idea it was for her to teach kids CCD when she wasn’t living the faith herself. But I got her to volunteer the info, and I got her to make the conclusion. And then we talked for quite a while about why the Eucharist and the Mass were so important to us here in this life and as preparation for the next.
I was just concerned, in case I felt I needed to offer some friendly advice, etc.
