Words of wisdom

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Anthony79

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So I am asking the seasoned vets of this forum. I am going through a tough time in my marriage and my wife basically said that she loves me, but is not “in love” with me. I will be honest so you all will have an idea of what is going on. I have been married for almost 16 years and our marriage was great in the beginning and up until 6 years ago, I betrayed my wife’s trust by carrying on a flirtatious conversation with another woman through text. I went to work one morning and left my phone and when I returned, she read what was on my phone and was really upset by it. We (I mean me) were trying to make things right and show her how sorry I was. the summer of 2014, I suddenly became angry for no apparent reason with my life and without thinking I threw divorce papers at my wife. After coming out of my anger spell, I realized a divorce is not what I want and threw the papers away. So now, I am in a bind and need a little guidance. I read somewhere on the net and found the following:
  • Don’t Beg. You are likely much more broken and emotional right now than normal, but women are more attracted to strength, not as much as his emotions.
  • Writing a letter works better than talking in person. (I text my feelings to my wife and send cute “I love you” cards to her)
  • After telling her how I truly feel for her, I need to give her some space to process everything.
  • Build myself up physically, emotionally and spiritually. Try to make myself appear more attractive.
  • Seek professional help, since my wife does not want to go to marriage counseling, still take it upon myself to get help for me.
  • Do not make stupid mistakes again during this time. Spend time in personal reflection asking God for forgiveness.
  • Realize that any change in my wife’s heart is going to take longer than I hope it would. A woman’s heart changes slower than a man’s. Be patient and pray god brings the right people and influences her life and that her heart will change towards me.
I admit and regret my wrong doings and will live the rest of my life knowing I did not live up to my end of the deal in our marriage. I ask for many prayers and hope it all works out in the end for my marriage.

Thank you.
 
Anthony79 said:
So I am asking the seasoned vets of this forum. I am going through a tough time in my marriage and my wife basically said that she loves me, but is not “in love” with me. I will be honest so you all will have an idea of what is going on. I have been married for almost 16 years and our marriage was great in the beginning and up until 6 years ago, I betrayed my wife’s trust by carrying on a flirtatious conversation with another woman through text. I went to work one morning and left my phone and when I returned, she read what was on my phone and was really upset by it. We (I mean me) were trying to make things right and show her how sorry I was. the summer of 2014, I suddenly became angry for no apparent reason with my life and without thinking I threw divorce papers at my wife. After coming out of my anger spell, I realized a divorce is not what I want and threw the papers away. So now, I am in a bind and need a little guidance. I read somewhere on the net and found the following:
  • Don’t Beg. You are likely much more broken and emotional right now than normal, but women are more attracted to strength, not as much as his emotions.
  • Writing a letter works better than talking in person. (I text my feelings to my wife and send cute “I love you” cards to her)
  • After telling her how I truly feel for her, I need to give her some space to process everything.
  • Build myself up physically, emotionally and spiritually. Try to make myself appear more attractive.
  • Seek professional help, since my wife does not want to go to marriage counseling, still take it upon myself to get help for me.
  • Do not make stupid mistakes again during this time. Spend time in personal reflection asking God for forgiveness.
  • Realize that any change in my wife’s heart is going to take longer than I hope it would. A woman’s heart changes slower than a man’s. Be patient and pray god brings the right people and influences her life and that her heart will change towards me.
I admit and regret my wrong doings and will live the rest of my life knowing I did not live up to my end of the deal in our marriage. I ask for many prayers and hope it all works out in the end for my marriage.

Thank you.
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That sounds like a good start. But balance it with some stuff like the Love Languages and John Gottman. You need to make sure that the stuff you’re spending a lot of time on is the stuff your wife actually wants. I know for myself that my husband could write me mushy notes all day long, and it wouldn’t do anything for me. Likewise, he could bring me little gifts all the time, and it would just make me concerned about our budget.

Also, make sure that there’s regularly some fun for the two of you. When you’re married with children, it’s so easy for things to turn into a quasi-work situation where home is where the work is, and your spouse is your dumb boss/slacker fellow employee. Reclaim the fun.

Also, some of your behavior was so weird and volatile that I would recommend a full psychological work-up just to rule out the possibility that there’s something really weird going on–brain tumor, bipolar, whatever.
 
Xantippe said:
That sounds like a good start. But balance it with some stuff like the Love Languages and John Gottman. You need to make sure that the stuff you’re spending a lot of time on is the stuff your wife actually wants. I know for myself that my husband could write me mushy notes all day long, and it wouldn’t do anything for me. Likewise, he could bring me little gifts all the time, and it would just make me concerned about our budget.

Also, make sure that there’s regularly some fun for the two of you. When you’re married with children, it’s so easy for things to turn into a quasi-work situation where home is where the work is, and your spouse is your dumb boss/slacker fellow employee. Reclaim the fun.

Also, some of your behavior was so weird and volatile that I would recommend a full psychological work-up just to rule out the possibility that there’s something really weird going on–brain tumor, bipolar, whatever.
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Well, I assume it maybe PTSD related since I have been in the military for almost 17 years and did 4 tours to both Afghanistan and Iraq.
 
Anthony79 said:
Well, I assume it maybe PTSD related since I have been in the military for almost 17 years and did 4 tours to both Afghanistan and Iraq.
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Have you gotten appropriate treatment yet?

Just pursuing and following up on the treatment is probably something else that your wife needs to see you doing.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
Have you gotten appropriate treatment yet?

Just pursuing and following up on the treatment is probably something else that your wife needs to see you doing.

Best wishes!
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I have and since that episode, I have not displayed any signs of anger towards anyone or anything.
 
Did you think about what made your wife fall in love with you many years ago?

When couples are together for a long time-they forget all the events that they have gone through together-especially the happy ones-- and let 1 or 2 mistakes cloud over judgements.

I have been married longer than you- and when I want to respark things-I rememeber how much of this lifes journey my husband and I have shared-- and it certainly tugs on my heartstrings. This works everytime for me.
 
I’d skip the texting and cards. Those are the easy ways. She needs your words, either a letter or a conversation. Not a pre-written card, created by someone else. She needs you. The real you, not a screen or a pre-written thought.

Don’t give up. And keep praying for her. Marriage can have a heavy cross at times.
 
MomaMary8 said:
I’d skip the texting and cards. Those are the easy ways. She needs your words, either a letter or a conversation. Not a pre-written card, created by someone else. She needs you. The real you, not a screen or a pre-written thought.

Don’t give up. And keep praying for her. Marriage can have a heavy cross at times.
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AMEN! We’ve married almost 30 years & have had many ups & downs. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to make the decision to act lovingly while not feeling “in love” at all. I’m sure he’s had those times too, but has been kind enough not to bring them up.

Talking is SO important. Husband has given me a few cards over the years - I haven’t saved any of them. What I WILL save is the memory of him saying “I will never leave you.” He had never said those words before & they made an impact.
 
You left one thing off the list: Prayer! You need to pray for the both of you and your marriage. Call on the graces conveyed by the sacrament of your marriage. Call on Saints Louis and Zelie Martin, the parents of St. Theresa the Little Flower, who were canonized this past October.
 
mommy_k said:
Did you think about what made your wife fall in love with you many years ago?
…
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:yup:

Anthony–the list you shared was a good start, but it wasn’t customized for your wife. She fell in love with you once. Recall what you did back then and try it again.

I’m going to make a guess that since flirting with another woman got you into trouble that you’re the kind of guy who likes flirting. Ask yourself this question: *When was the last time you flirted with your wife? *Was that flirtatious texting insult to injury because you’d stopped flirting with your wife long before that? You might try to gently–very gently–flirting with your wife again. Then check her response. The advice you found that you shared mentioned giving space. Be a little careful there because what might have gotten you into some of this trouble is neglecting your wife in the first place. I suggest you give her some space and some time, but not so much space and time that she feels neglected or forgotten. If flirting helped you win her heart in the first place, flirt a bit again. Then step back. Then flirt. You probably know the dance. Use your charm on your wife. But not all at once, just a bit at a time. Read her reaction.

And…send her flowers.:flowers: If she doesn’t throw them back in your face, they’ll stick around for a few days reminding her that you like her until they wilt. The flowers can do some of the talking for you while you give her space. Once they’ve wilted, try another bouquet (or single stemmed rose or whatever flowers she likes) within a few days. Flowers and flirting–not too much, but enough to let her know that you know that she’s the one you should have been flirting with all along because she’s the only woman that you really want. She was in love with you once before, so she’s capable of loving you. Remind her that you’re lovable by being loving towards her.
 
I think it takes a lot of courage for a man to admit he is wrong and be willing to change so for that you get a big 👍

However,not once did you mention what your wife does not like about your marriage. I have to wonder if you even now what she wants from you. As good as it is to admit you are wrong, you need to find out what SHE wants to make it right. Sadly, I don 'think you have the slightest idea

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
I think it takes a lot of courage for a man to admit he is wrong and be willing to change so for that you get a big 👍

However,not once did you mention what your wife does not like about your marriage. I have to wonder if you even now what she wants from you. As good as it is to admit you are wrong, you need to find out what SHE wants to make it right. Sadly, I don 'think you have the slightest idea

Angie
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I don’t need to know exactly what she wants, I know what she doesn’t want and that is the person who made her feel the way she does now. I plan to bring the element of surprise into our marriage, what person doesn’t like to be surprised?
 
Anthony79 said:
I don’t need to know exactly what she wants, I know what she doesn’t want
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That’s the problem, there is a lot in between what she doesn’t want and what she does want. You could expand a LOT of energy on things that don’t fall into ‘what she doesn’t want’ but they still don’t fall into ‘what she wants’ and she will be no more happy
Anthony79 said:
I plan to bring the element of surprise into our marriage, what person doesn’t like to be surprised?
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Like Bonnie said, I can’t stand surprises either and it would just fuel my anger
 
Anthony 79:
Some practical advise- with PTSD, stress may subtly creep up on you without you being aware of it, and before you know it, you lash out in anger, or do something foolish. So you have to be keenly aware of stressful situations. A marriage situation like yours is prime for such tensions, and stress, and it can build up, it is accumulative. So, necessarily you have to make strong efforts to reduce, or avoid completely such situations for your own good and the good of your wife. I find turning to Christ always to seek His healing. A marriage without Christ is a marriage with a real handicap. I don’t know if your wife is Catholic, but you are. And that being the case the responsibility may be heavier on you. Hopefully your wife is Catholic, and if that is the case, you are both responsible to Him, to love each other, to forgive, to accept each others faults , to share, to be patient, and to be truthful to each other. If both meet your obligations with love for God and give Him your obedience, you are on your way to healing, and love. You do not owe it to each other first, you owe it to Him. Love is not just a feeling, it may even lack feeling some of the time, it is commitment to God and each other, it really take three to make a marriage successful. It may take swallowing one’s pride, being humble, it will involve self-sacrifice to put the other first. Real love is a “grace” and only God can give it. Praying that God blesses you both with this “grace”
 
ynotzap said:
Anthony 79:
Some practical advise- with PTSD, stress may subtly creep up on you without you being aware of it, and before you know it, you lash out in anger, or do something foolish. So you have to be keenly aware of stressful situations. A marriage situation like yours is prime for such tensions, and stress, and it can build up, it is accumulative. So, necessarily you have to make strong efforts to reduce, or avoid completely such situations for your own good and the good of your wife. I find turning to Christ always to seek His healing. A marriage without Christ is a marriage with a real handicap. I don’t know if your wife is Catholic, but you are. And that being the case the responsibility may be heavier on you. Hopefully your wife is Catholic, and if that is the case, you are both responsible to Him, to love each other, to forgive, to accept each others faults , to share, to be patient, and to be truthful to each other. If both meet your obligations with love for God and give Him your obedience, you are on your way to healing, and love. You do not owe it to each other first, you owe it to Him. Love is not just a feeling, it may even lack feeling some of the time, it is commitment to God and each other, it really take three to make a marriage successful. It may take swallowing one’s pride, being humble, it will involve self-sacrifice to put the other first. Real love is a “grace” and only God can give it. Praying that God blesses you both with this “grace”
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My wife is not Catholic, she is Japanese yet she understands
 
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