Workaholic vs Forced Labor

[petitsourice]

Hello all, please bear with me in this post. It is going to be lengthy but I want some Catholic opinions on the idea of what to do when faced with a situation where you are forced to work 50-60 hours a week AND you have a family.

Background: My wife is a stay at home mom. We have 3 kids (been married 4.5 hears), we do not use birth control. While we do practice Natural Family Planning (NFP) to a degree, we still have had 2 children whom we call our, “little surprises”. Especially the last one. My wife was away for a while because we were relocating and I needed to save the money to move the family. Well, our 3rd was born exactly 8 months after she arrived (he was considered a premie and had a brief stint in the NICU. Our first was born equally amazingly about 9 months and a week or two after we got married. So, please don’t play cafeteria catholic and say that the answer to this is to have mom quit having children and go to work.

My job: I work in information technology and I have for many, many years. Its a demanding job and unfortunately it comes with being on call 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. That means that the phone can and has rung in the middle of dates with my wife, during family outings, frequently during dinner, and at any hour of the night. IT was /not/ like this when I started in the field, but its what I have and honestly the only thing I know how to do. And that great American novel? Well, I did write one. It was SO bad that I never let another soul read a single sentence. Worst 8 months of getting up at 4 am and writing until 6 am of my life.

Now, I realize that its wrong of many parents to neglect their children for the sake of going to work.

… but …

For many Americans its work and be on call 24/7 or you don’t eat. And no, you can’t just keep looking for a company that will hire you when you tell them that you expect not to be taken advantage of and that you expect them to be reasonable with after hours demands.

I have a boss who ROUTINELY schedules meetings at 5 or even 5:30 pm. And its not necessarily his fault – he has a full overload of work as well.

I fight the problem of overwork by being the one who handles putting the kids in the tub and into bed every night (they are 4,2,and 5 months). I also get the kids up every morning and handle breakfast for the entire house (mom + all the kids). This gives me between 1 and 3 hours a day with the kids (depending on work – sometimes wife has to do baths). On Saturdays + Sundays the kids and I have our quality time together. We sometimes play with crafts. Usually the kids hang out in the kitchen while I cook and then cuddle up with me on the couch and we watch something educational on the computer or they watch me play a game on it or they play on the floor in the living room while I sit nearby and read, etc. I make it a point to spend time actively playing with the kids on Saturday mornings and Sundays I help get them ready for mass + fed, etc.

I consider myself LUCKY to have a job that only occaisionaly eats up my time. I consider the “crackberry” not crack (as in, oh wow, I can’t get enough of it) but to be a shackle. An impediment to quality time I want to spend with the family. Remember those Saturday mornings? The blackberry will go off almost every saturday and require me to do the blackberry prayer (head down, blank look, thumbs going).

So. My story is a decent one, but MANY office employees have a different tune. Long, long hours, even one boss I had who threw a fit because my wife went into labor at the wrong time.

And finally, why did I write this? This coming Sunday at 10:30 am EWTN has a show about workaholic parents and the impact on kids. I wrote this because many people do not have a choice but to work the hours demanded by their job. And I am hoping that she addresses the way that corporate america overworks employees with the ultimatum, “Work or your family doesnt eat.”

 

[Trishie]

I have a son with four children, including two teenagers, constant pain from a damaged back he doesn’t have time to have operated on, the mortgage etc, and who works in a long -hours high-stress job, and I hold my breath that he will last the distance, but he doesn’t see any possibility of slowing down until all four are through their education…I worry for him, but there are years to go before the children will all have finished their educations, and have got past the stressful teenage issues that can so stress-out and drain parents.

Is there an answer for my son and for all who are hostage to their responsibilities???

But my comment right now is what a wonderful father and husband you are!
I’m impressed.

 

[Deconi]

Matey! Sell up and come Down under to New Zealand!!

The money’s lousy compared to what you’re on, but the lifestyle is …uhm…heaven!

If you’re as experienced as you say, there’s no shortage of work and if you think expansively, the South Pacific rim and growing I&T capabilities of the Pacific Islands promises possible tropical soujorns with the family (at world class resorts) while you work!

Remember The Provider is The Drummer in your life! He never gives you what you cannot perform! Sounds like your work is your current drummer!

Come on down…and be your own drummer, according the pace of the tropics! You know in some of the Islands, they actually stop work around 11:00am when the sun is high and it’s too hot?..and then recommence AFTER lunch?!

Then again, the Indians have ‘arrived’ and quickly setting about ‘their’ work in computerware!

 

[petitsourice]

I have a son with four children, including two teenagers, constant pain from a damaged back he doesn’t have time to have operated on, the mortgage etc, and who works in a long -hours high-stress job, and I hold my breath that he will last the distance, but he doesn’t see any possibility of slowing down until all four are through their education…I worry for him, but there are years to go before the children will all have finished their educations, and have got past the stressful teenage issues that can so stress-out and drain parents.

Is there an answer for my son and for all who are hostage to their responsibilities???

But my comment right now is what a wonderful father and husband you are!
I’m impressed.

Absolutely there is an answer. Unfortunately its not a get-rich quick idea. Prayer, sacrifice, life insurance, cheap house, cheap car(s), and say no to day care.

My wife (former Pentecostal) and myself (former Athiest from a Baptist family) both have families who have condemned our “lifestyle”. By lifestyle I am referring to the way we would rather go into the poor house than use birth control. I will refrain from writing a treatise on humanae vitae or other works dealing with birth control. =) Suffice it to say that I have heard many religious scholars say that many marriages are ruined by birth control and that I believe it.

Now, what to do? I am in the same boat as your son. I am in my late mid thirties and my wife is in her mid early twenties. We have 15 years between us. And scarily we actually met when she was 1,2,3,4, and 7 years old without knowing it. We used to attend the same local parade at the same corner (1-4) and then I spoke to her for the first time when she was 7 and I sold an old car to her father. Our paths crossed again when she was older (of course) and believe it or not we didn’t realize we had crossed paths until our 3rd year of marriage. Its a very, very small world. Oh, and we got married 3.5 months after we “met” – much to the chagrin of our families who thought we were crazy.

What has worked to stay married with lots of kids:

• We know marriage is not a business agreement. The business side of marriage is only manifested in divorce.
• Although it has happened before, we both try never, ever, to use the word divorce in an argument. Ever.
• We realize that we will have fights.
• We make up really hard when we do.
• I have no issues with her going for sometimes 2 months at a time to go visit with her family. Her family is very, very important to her. Her parents are aging (late 60s, early 70s) and not doing so well.
• We don’t cheat and when someone DOES flirt with us, we always tell the other person. I personally am offended when women do flirt with me if they know I am married.

What works on the financial side:

• Get decent life insurance, maybe even a whole-life policy. The only problem here is that if you go unemployed (we have at one point, thank you evil financial corporation) and quit paying, you lose your policy. We need to add this but sadly we are still struggling due to moving into a place with rent too high.
• Be willing to give up that fancy house. We are moving when this lease is up – we can’t afford this place AT ALL.
• Put some thought into the food budget. We were spending $800 (New England prices vs $400 Dixie prices) on food for 4 of us. We realized that much of this was because of the expensive meals we were either buying pre-prepared or cooking. For instance, buying only white meat breasts, not using enough potatoes and beans in the family diet, etc. Good cheap cookbooks abound.
• Be willing to well… be poor!

Honestly the last one is what saves us the most. Example: we recently blew most of our savings on a new used car so she can take the kids to/from school next year. We also are putting our kids into private Catholic school (~$300 / month) next year. Well, after all of that, Msr. Sourice gets in a car accident and we have to shell out $600 for car repairs. Other example: Oops! I forgot about a $50 check we wrote! The bank, of course, cashes things in order from biggest to smallest so we bounced 5 purchases for 5 items less than $5 each. Net cost: about $300 in fees. Other example: Honey, I just drove the van off the road. Really, you ok???!!! No. Why? Well, there was a river on the other side of the road. [true story].

God has come through each and every time for us with well, 5 loaves miracles. In every financial crisis we have faced we have been able to get through it by either tightening the belt or by using what you have available (ie. having a good stock of non-perishables and a freezer full of meat on hand for these lean times). Right now we are in the midst of the car crash crisis and she is visiting family so I am going with a 40 degree setting on the themostat so we can save the $$ on heating costs for the next 4 weeks.

And of course, daily prayer or none of the above works. Seriously. Even if its just 1 or 2 prayers you like. Add in a rosary every month to be sure. The rosary is scarily effective as a prayer tool. So effective my wife has threatened to kill me if I don’t quit offering up rosaries so that our kids will be able to take up religious life as adults. =) (Oh, I would love to see them all go to convents and seminaries!)

 

[petitsourice]

Matey! Sell up and come Down under to New Zealand!!

The money’s lousy compared to what you’re on, but the lifestyle is …uhm…heaven!

If you’re as experienced as you say, there’s no shortage of work and if you think expansively, the South Pacific rim and growing I&T capabilities of the Pacific Islands promises possible tropical soujorns with the family (at world class resorts) while you work!

Remember The Provider is The Drummer in your life! He never gives you what you cannot perform! Sounds like your work is your current drummer!

Come on down…and be your own drummer, according the pace of the tropics! You know in some of the Islands, they actually stop work around 11:00am when the sun is high and it’s too hot?..and then recommence AFTER lunch?!

Then again, the Indians have ‘arrived’ and quickly setting about ‘their’ work in computerware!

Lol! Peut-etre apres le famille de ma femme a mort! We actually have entertained moving back to France (I am french but not really fluent anymore, but with enough french to become fluent again after a year or so.). But that is only happening if war breaks out in the US or if terrorists start bombing schools and churches here.