Worried about my marriage

[SarahIncerta84a]

Hi. I’m new on here and am really troubled.

I’m a faithful cradle Catholic, active in the Church and the Sacraments. I’ve been married for three years to a wonderful and loving guy, and we have an 18 month old son. My husband is a convert, and we were married in the Church, and at the time we were married I thought he was a good and faithful and passionate Catholic too.

But now I’m scared to death about my marriage. Since our son was born my husband has been different. He seems like he’s no longer open to life. I come from a large Catholic family, but he’s an only child, and he’s talked about one being enough and us not needing to have any more. We’ve been practicing NFP but at one point he even suggested I go on birth control. I got really upset and he’s never mentioned that again, but now we hardly talk about it anymore and our sex life has suffered and I’m really lonely and frustrated. When I push him about it he says maybe someday, but it seems like he’s just putting me off and not accepting God’s will for our family.

He’s also been traveling a lot more with work and is gone for a couple of weeks sometimes. I don’t think he’s faithful about going to Mass while he’s gone. He’s good to bring things home for our son but I still feel like he doesn’t spend enough time with us. He says he’s just trying to be a good provider and I believe he means that, but it feels more and more like there’s a gulf between us.

I know it’s normal for marriages and relationships to change and for reality not to live up to fantasy, but I feel more and more like I don’t know him anymore and this isn’t what I believed and hoped for in my marriage. And I’ve always believed our marriage was godly and sacramental, but now I keep having the nagging fear that what if it’s not, what if we aren’t truly bound by God, and thinking through the worst case scenarios of infidelity and divorce and annulment. And I’m depressed and it’s impacting me spiritually and pulling me down even as a mother.

So I guess what I wanted to ask was – what should I do? What should I pray for? How do I get out of this hole?

 

[nodito]

Oh Sarah! If I knew you I’d give you a hug. What a cross this must be for you. What struck me most in your post was your comment about feeling lonely. Do you have any young Catholic mom friends you could confide it? A sister you could talk with? The loneliness will eat you away; make a point of getting out and going places with your son and building a support network of people who love and value you. You might also consider meeting with a therapist to discuss things objectively, which might help if you are really suffering from depression.

Presume that your marriage is valid. The Church does and it’s not helpful to you, your son, or your marriage to start playing what-ifs and courting questions. Work from the vantage point that you have a valid, sacramental marriage and what can be done to strengthen it. Have you heard of Retrouvaille? I’ve heard wonderful things about it; it might be just what you need. How about a weekend away? Any grandparents willing to watch LO while you and the husband dart off to a little bed and breakfast somewhere? Those might be ways to help start to bridge the gulf.

Did you two discuss children before you were married? Had the two of you planned on having a certain number of kids or keeping things open or has he always had reservations about having more than one?

Have you tried fasting and prayer for him and his change of heart?

 

[Allegra]

From what you describe, it sounds like your husband may be really concerned about finances. Fear about lack of money can manifest itself in alot of ways. Some are rational and some are less so. You didn’t mention what your financial situation is, and frankly, it isn’t any of our business, but you might consider having talks from time to time about how you both feel the budget is going and reassure you husband that he IS a good provider, husband, and dad and that you are in it for the long haul. Remind him that you’ve got his back and that God has your back as a family.

 

[Allegra]

What struck me most in your post was your comment about feeling lonely. Do you have any young Catholic mom friends you could confide it? A sister you could talk with?

Most of your suggestions are really good, but if the OP’s concerns about her marriage are valid and not just normal postpartum hormones, I don’t think latching onto other friends in order to fill the role of a husband is going to be much of a benefit. They need to be working on their own marital intimacy. It’s normal for that sort of thing to be affected after the birth of the first baby and for couples to have to grow together at that point. I’ve never known the clucking opinions of a hen party to improve anyone’s marriage and I know of a few situations where it’s done considerable harm to bring other female relations into marital problems. The OP probably should be focused on her own family right now.

 

[Xantippe]

Sarah said:

“When I push him about it he says maybe someday, but it seems like he’s just putting me off and not accepting God’s will for our family.”

Do you mean God’s will or your will?

Your child is 18 months old–that is a baby still and your husband is an only child. It’s not surprising that he feels that you have enough on your plate right now. Revisit the issue as your baby gets bigger and easier to care for. Maybe introduce him to some families with children spaced the way you would like yours to be so he can see what it looks like in real life.

Please start (if you’re not already doing so) doing monthly budget meetings together, sticking to a budget, and talking together about your long range plans. Your husband may feel like he’s the only person pulling the wagon that you and the baby are riding in, and he may not feel very excited about adding additional passengers and baggage. Bear that in mind.

 

[Xantippe]

Allegra said:

“The OP probably should be focused on her own family right now.”

But at the same time, she needs to have supportive friends to see and talk to during the hours when she is home alone with the baby. Her husband cannot fill all of her social needs–for one, he is often travelling.

 

[ElizMary]

M I’ve never known the clucking opinions of a hen party to improve anyone’s marriage and I know of a few situations where it’s done considerable harm to bring other female relations into marital problems. The OP probably should be focused on her own family right now.

Yikes! I think I understand this opinion, but speaking as a “seasoned” mom and wife whose husband travels a lot, I think joining in a Catholic scripture study group or some service work would be helpful. It gets lonely when your husband travels and directing that loneliness towards fellowship with faithful women has been very helpful to me. Of course, it doesn’t take the place of your marital relationship. But my husband is not responsible for “taking care of my loneliness” when he is gone earning a living. Just be discerning with who you choose to share intimate details of your life. God bless!

 

[ClearWater]

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :bible1:

 

[Allegra]

Yikes! I think I understand this opinion, but speaking as a “seasoned” mom and wife whose husband travels a lot, I think joining in a Catholic scripture study group or some service work would be helpful. It gets lonely when your husband travels and directing that loneliness towards fellowship with faithful women has been very helpful to me. Of course, it doesn’t take the place of your marital relationship. But my husband is not responsible for “taking care of my loneliness” when he is gone earning a living. Just be discerning with who you choose to share intimate details of your life. God bless!

Scripture and service work sounds fine. It didn’t sound to me like that is what the previous poster was proposing though. “Confiding in” a group of women as a replacement for discussing issues like financial strain and lack of intimacy in a marriage with one’s spouse sounds like a pretty scary proposition to me. Talking about scripture, pintrest, baby blues, or whatever other girl talk is another story. That’s not stepping into marital territory.

 

[ElizMary]

“Confiding in” a group of women as a replacement for discussing issues like financial strain and lack of intimacy in a marriage with one’s spouse sounds like a pretty scary proposition to me. Talking about scripture, pintrest, baby blues, or whatever other girl talk is another story. That’s not stepping into marital territory.

Agreed

 

[SarahIncerta84a]

What struck me most in your post was your comment about feeling lonely. Do you have any young Catholic mom friends you could confide it? A sister you could talk with?

Thanks. I definitely feel like it would be nice to confide in somebody. But I hear everybody else too about being careful about confiding intimately with anybody. I do open up to my pastor in Confession about how I’m feeling but I know that can’t really be a counseling session. A real therapist would be helpful i think. And I think there must be a balance between doing things with friends and focusing on my marriage, but I don’t really know what it is.

Presume that your marriage is valid. The Church does and it’s not helpful to you, your son, or your marriage to start playing what-ifs and courting questions.

Thanks for the reassurance. I really needed to hear that. I have heard of Retrouvaille and I think something like that would be wonderful if he would do it. And I know prayer and fasting is probably the most powerful answer to anything.

 

[SarahIncerta84a]

From what you describe, it sounds like your husband may be really concerned about finances. Fear about lack of money can manifest itself in alot of ways. Some are rational and some are less so. You didn’t mention what your financial situation is, and frankly, it isn’t any of our business, but you might consider having talks from time to time about how you both feel the budget is going and reassure you husband that he IS a good provider, husband, and dad and that you are in it for the long haul. Remind him that you’ve got his back and that God has your back as a family.

Thank you. I know that’s really good advice. I do think finances may have a lot to do with it. I think he feels responsible and he has to take care of me and our son and do everything. We have never really talked about finances. But I’ll try to bring that up and remind him I’ve got his back and God’s got ours! Thanks!

 

[SarahIncerta84a]

Do you mean God’s will or your will?

Your child is 18 months old–that is a baby still and your husband is an only child. It’s not surprising that he feels that you have enough on your plate right now. Revisit the issue as your baby gets bigger and easier to care for. Maybe introduce him to some families with children spaced the way you would like yours to be so he can see what it looks like in real life.

Ouch. You’re probably right though. By not being open to God’s will, I mostly meant he wasn’t willing to be intimate with me when there was a chance, even though we’d be leaving it up to God’s will, but I guess it’s true that even being completely open in a big step.

I know we should sit down and talk about budget and family planning and all that. And spend a lot more time together. But I feel like that’s really part of the problem. He’s always going and it’s hard to plan anything like a regular meeting. A lot of times he says he’s busy, maybe later, when I say I’d like to sit down and talk.

 

[SarahIncerta84a]

Yikes! I think I understand this opinion, but speaking as a “seasoned” mom and wife whose husband travels a lot, I think joining in a Catholic scripture study group or some service work would be helpful. It gets lonely when your husband travels and directing that loneliness towards fellowship with faithful women has been very helpful to me. Of course, it doesn’t take the place of your marital relationship. But my husband is not responsible for “taking care of my loneliness” when he is gone earning a living. Just be discerning with who you choose to share intimate details of your life. God bless!

Thanks so much for your advice. I’m so had to hear from somebody who knows a little of what I’m talking about. Has your husband always traveled a lot? I think joining some women’s groups would be good. I go to a pretty small parish and there aren’t many women my age, but maybe older, more “seasoned” friends would be good for me.

 

[SarahIncerta84a]

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :bible1:

Thank you so much for your prayers.

 

[kmcarl56]

After my twins were born, my husband changed completely. He would leave early in the morning and wouldn’t come home 'til late at night. He started wearing boxer shorts instead of the briefs he had always worn. He got a different hair cut. He didn’t even want to touch me, except when his desires got the best of him.

What I am saying is that your husband may be overwhelmed with being a father and having to provide for you and another person. Just as some women have postpartum depression, some men go through another kind of emotional rollercoaster.

I also think that my husband was jealous of the boys because I was no longer tending only to him. I was so busy all of the time with them, that when I did have time for him, I was exausted.

I don’t think he knew “how” to be a father so he was scared to death (as if we know how to be first-time mothers). Men think and have different emotions than women. It’s not your fault, so give it time.

Be as loving and accepting as you can with him. Do not push him into thinking like you do, because he probably won’t. Nevertheless, as your baby gets older, he will come around. When your baby starts running to him when he gets home and saying “Daddy, Daddy!” he’ll come around. It just takes time.

As far as having more children, that is entirely up to God. God’s Will will be done. Be happy and enjoy this time with your darling child. Give your husband space and time. His love for you, and your child, will overcome any fears he may have had.

And pray, pray, pray, and pray some more!

May God bless you and your husband in your marriage, and in your family life together. May He give you peace and happiness as it comes from God’s mercy and grace. May God take care of your finances and other obligations so that the worry will disappear.
May your child be brought up to know the love of both you and your husband, and learn nothing but love within your family. May your family be always blessed by the one and only true living God.

I will keep your family in my prayers.

 

[KimberlyCat]

A lot of new fathers are jealous of the new baby because mothers are spending every waking moment with the new baby and the husband feels rejected. Try to find some time just for the two of you. Maybe get a sitter one night and surprise him with his favorite meal and dine by candlelight. (wear makeup). And/or write him a love note and put it in a small cute bag with some chocolate and put it in is briefcase, backpack, etc. so he will find it during the day. Give him a five minute neck or shoulder massage the minute he walks through the door at night.

When he is out of town for a while, instead of talking about the baby the ENTIRE time each night, on phone and/or skype, focus on him and tell him how wonderful he is, etc. Bring up some of the great and fun times you had when you were dating.

God Bless You!

 

[ElizMary]

Has your husband always traveled a lot? I think joining some women’s groups would be good. I go to a pretty small parish and there aren’t many women my age, but maybe older, more “seasoned” friends would be good for me.

Yes, he has (and we’ve been married 36 years). In the early years he traveled maybe a week or so a month. Now he is gone probably 2 1/2 weeks a month, some months even more. When he’s home, we really enjoy our time together–one side benefit of this situation–we don’t have time to take each other for granted. Most of our children (4 total) are on their own and my sweet 19 yr. old who attends community college will be moving on to a 4-yr university next fall. The community of our church family helps both of us carry our crosses! Obviously you and I are at a different stages in our lives, but I love it when people who are younger come to scripture study and I’ll bet you’d be welcome with open arms! As for depression, daily exercise and eating healthy may help. Therapy can be helpful and no matter what comes our way, prayer life is essential. This much I know, Sarah, God gives us all gifts to share and there’s someone out there (in addition to your baby and husband) who needs you to share yours. Blessings!

 

[fred_conty]

Hi. I’m new on here and am really troubled.

I’m a faithful cradle Catholic, active in the Church and the Sacraments. I’ve been married for three years to a wonderful and loving guy, and we have an 18 month old son. My husband is a convert, and we were married in the Church, and at the time we were married I thought he was a good and faithful and passionate Catholic too.

But now I’m scared to death about my marriage. Since our son was born my husband has been different. He seems like he’s no longer open to life. I come from a large Catholic family, but he’s an only child, and he’s talked about one being enough and us not needing to have any more. We’ve been practicing NFP but at one point he even suggested I go on birth control. I got really upset and he’s never mentioned that again, but now we hardly talk about it anymore and our sex life has suffered and I’m really lonely and frustrated. When I push him about it he says maybe someday, but it seems like he’s just putting me off and not accepting God’s will for our family.

He’s also been traveling a lot more with work and is gone for a couple of weeks sometimes. I don’t think he’s faithful about going to Mass while he’s gone. He’s good to bring things home for our son but I still feel like he doesn’t spend enough time with us. He says he’s just trying to be a good provider and I believe he means that, but it feels more and more like there’s a gulf between us.

I know it’s normal for marriages and relationships to change and for reality not to live up to fantasy, but I feel more and more like I don’t know him anymore and this isn’t what I believed and hoped for in my marriage. And I’ve always believed our marriage was godly and sacramental, but now I keep having the nagging fear that what if it’s not, what if we aren’t truly bound by God, and thinking through the worst case scenarios of infidelity and divorce and annulment. And I’m depressed and it’s impacting me spiritually and pulling me down even as a mother.

So I guess what I wanted to ask was – what should I do? What should I pray for? How do I get out of this hole?

Being a man, it sounds as tho something or things are not setting right with him.

Men come in different packages, they are not all alike, and what may work for one may not work for another. Men do have sort of a standard set of items that bother them, but then there are special sets of items to each man. Some take control, others are passive, or somewhere between. Some like to be with the children, and others want to rest. Some talk and others are reluctant. There are good dads and then there are good husbands and then there are good workers.

Find out what he is inclined to do and start from there. You may have to spoil him a bit, but cater to what he likes. St Paul once said that the husband should try to please his wife and the wife should try to please her husband. Start with that and eventually you will see a difference. Don’t do it with the idea of getting something back in return but just because you love him and want him to be happy. This is difficult, but it will work if you are persistent.
Telling him dosn’t seem to work like loving him does, which then results in a change of attitude in him.

Your marriage can have its old fire back by loving and praying for him. You will never succeed in changing him by telling him anything. But you can succeed in changing him by making him want to change, for he will feel bad if he dosen’t after all the love you give him.

But give without counting the cost, just out of love. There’s a difference that is seen.

The sacrament is there to support you. Ask the Holy Spirit for GREAT graces to keep your marriage holy. Ask his help to find ways to fullfill the sacrament and keep it living in him. Ask the Holy Spirit to grace your child with two holy parents as Jesus’ parents were holy.
Keep asking. He will help you do it.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[kmcarl56]

Being a man, it sounds as tho something or things are not setting right with him.

Men come in different packages, they are not all alike, and what may work for one may not work for another. Men do have sort of a standard set of items that bother them, but then there are special sets of items to each man. Some take control, others are passive, or somewhere between. Some like to be with the children, and others want to rest. Some talk and others are reluctant. There are good dads and then there are good husbands and then there are good workers.

Find out what he is inclined to do and start from there. You may have to spoil him a bit, but cater to what he likes. St Paul once said that the husband should try to please his wife and the wife should try to please her husband. Start with that and eventually you will see a difference. Don’t do it with the idea of getting something back in return but just because you love him and want him to be happy. This is difficult, but it will work if you are persistent.
Telling him dosn’t seem to work like loving him does, which then results in a change of attitude in him.

Your marriage can have its old fire back by loving and praying for him. You will never succeed in changing him by telling him anything. But you can succeed in changing him by making him want to change, for he will feel bad if he dosen’t after all the love you give him.

But give without counting the cost, just out of love. There’s a difference that is seen.

The sacrament is there to support you. Ask the Holy Spirit for GREAT graces to keep your marriage holy. Ask his help to find ways to fullfill the sacrament and keep it living in him. Ask the Holy Spirit to grace your child with two holy parents as Jesus’ parents were holy.
Keep asking. He will help you do it.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

Great advice! I used to cook his favorite meals, make sure he had something to drink, took his shoes and socks off and rubbed his feet, or gave him neck and back massages. I didn’t ask him to do anything that I could do myself…after all, he was working all the time. I wrote little love notes about once a week and put them where I knew he would find them eventually. And I didn’t talk about the kids 24/7 when he was home. I made sure that during nap time, he was the center of my attention as often as I could. I tried to keep the house clean and neat as best I could (with twin toddlers that was really hard).

These little things became great big to him. He started noticing the love I was giving him freely. I didn’t beg him to do anything in return. I engaged him with the kids when he showed interest, but otherwise, I kept them busy myself.

Again, give it time, dear. He loves you and you love him. This is just a short period in your lifetime together.

Pray, pray, pray, and pray some more!

Nothing is impossible with God!