Worried about relationship with girlfriend

[flyingfish]

She’s entirely different from any other woman participating in this thread, and thus does not fall under the same type of standards that would normally categorize someone as being looked up to, respected, etc. To explain that would require more time and patience than I’m currently endowed with. Needless to say, I’m proud that she attempted to read Truman Capote with me, I’m proud of her for struggling through the Bible with me this Lent, I’m proud of her for attempting to make sense of something that she’s never been asked before to consider.

In what way is she different? Is it a good way or a bad way?

Obviously this is the wrong forum to being asking questions about her in because the people here, not knowing her, can only make crass assumptions. There is nothing about dating her which is convenient. There are daily sacrifices which must be made even though (and precisely because of) the distance involved. I would not continue to make these sacrifices for nearly two months for a sexless, dead relationship. Being with her has increased my confidence level around other women, yet I choose to remain faithful to this relationship alone.

That’s not quite what I was asking, I am asking if you consider yourself lucky to have snagged her. You should feel that way about the one you’re with.

Also, I would strongly urge you to change your view of “distance.” My one way commute is over an hour. I spend about 2.5 hours a day commuting. You live 1.5 hours away from her, ask yourself why you have only seen her 3 times so far.

 

[Epistemes]

Seems you feel she is good enough to date but not good enough to marry.

You come across as VERY vain.

And you come across as very unhelpful.

 

[Epistemes]

That’s not quite what I was asking, I am asking if you consider yourself lucky to have snagged her. You should feel that way about the one you’re with.

Please re-read the first part of my original post.

Also, I would strongly urge you to change your view of “distance.” My one way commute is over an hour. I spend about 2.5 hours a day commuting. You live 1.5 hours away from her, ask yourself why you have only seen her 3 times so far.

Because it’s the way we have planned it in the past; because of foul weather; because she’s going to be in Chicago with her family for a week. Needless to say, the consecutive weekends of March 19-21, 26-28, and Easter weekend will be spent together.

My conviction to be with her as a person is not lacking at this point, so please quit questioning it. My conviction that we can make it in marriage due to finances is, though, so please be more helpful than psychoanalytical.

 

[Advocatus_Fidei]

You want helpful ok I’ll be helpful, get a second job.

 

[flyingfish]

.

My conviction to be with her as a person is not lacking at this point, so please quit questioning it. My conviction that we can make it in marriage due to finances is, though, so please be more helpful than psychoanalytical.

Improve your qualifications to get a higher paying job, get a second job and start saving. But if you’re able to live independently, wouldn’t living together actually save you money, at least in terms of rent and utilities?

If she doesn’t work, does she get disability or food stamps, or some kind of financial help to be able to survive?

 

[SpaceNeedle]

You want helpful ok I’ll be helpful, get a second job.

And if you were married, you would be able to still spend time together, even while working 60 hours a week if you had to do that.

Also, one thing that I have found fun is being a “mystery shopper” at restaurants and stores…this way, you get paid for going out.

You’d be surprised how much money you save when you get married, or at the very least, move to the same town. Gas/rail fare is less, food is less, no motel bill, etc.

While the young SAHMs/homemakers in my parish have a different life trajectory than mine, I am humbled and impressed that they are so frugal and wise about budgeting the family funds. Their husbands don’t have anything outside of normal, middle-class jobs. If they can do it, so can you. Period. Contrary to what society might tell you, there are women who are homemakers as a profession. The need for a two income household is a modern-day invention; if you are responsible with your money (I am ashamed to say I was not for many years, and therefore will likely always have to work to pay off my debt) you can make it happen.

 

[joandarc2008]

So if you are worried that she has no income - then I guess you are saying you would never consider the traditional marriage with a SAHM. If you are unwilling to “man up” why should she?

 

[John21652]

I worry about my relationship with my (long-distance) girlfriend.

We’ve only been together in person three times, but all of those occasions have been for entire weekends. I love being with her. There exists a connection between us that I can’t possibly explain, but we have entire conversations by just looking into one another’s eyes and there are moments of long, comfortable silence between us. We have fun when we’re together, we talk, we laugh, and I’m quite positively crazy for her.

When we go our separate ways, however, that’s when the negative thoughts kick in. I mostly think negative thoughts because I’m worried about the future. You see, she’s jobless and not the most educated or professional individual I could be with. She says she wants to work, but I think between combination of lack of resources and lack of momentum finding a job isn’t high on her list of things to do. I won’t even consider marrying her unless she gets a job and starts making some income because, as a result of my own stretched, poor finances, I don’t know how we could make it on a single income. We just couldn’t.

So, while I pray that God directs this relationship according to his will, I’m worried. I start thinking about these things and even though I try my best to rend all things to God, I can’t help but think I should break up with her and call the whole thing off because there’s just no way things will ever work out. I feel hopeless when I think about our future together. And yet, I think I may love her. She gives me so much in this life that I’ve never had before and she makes me smile.

Ah, true love. Not!
You wouldn’t consider marrying her unless she gets a job?! How would you handle it if she was your wife and she became pregnant? If she had to quit her job for motherhood? If it is the case that you “just couldn’t” make it on one income, then you have two choices. Firstly, walk away and stop leading her on, or, secondly, trust that you can work it out together.

You seem to have fallen for a girl whom you think is beneath you. Well, you did say “…not the most educated or professional individual I could be with.” That’s a bit of a snobbish attiotude, don’t you think? Yet you go on to say she gives you so much that you’ve never had before. Well, if that’s the case, then your snobbish thoughts should be banished to the four corners of the earth and not be entertained ever again. If she invokes love between you, she is a gift from God, so get with the program. If she invokes love between you, then maybe you should have confidence in the fact that as a team you can achieve much and overcome obstacles. If you believe these things, then she is right for you and you for her. If not, you are fooling yourself and her. Don’t sacrifice Love for matters that really matter not. Love is too precious a thing.

 

[trinichiqn]

This is a long distance relationship, so if she gets a job and you decide to get married then one of you is going to have to move and give up their job. If she is the one to do this she would be expected to find another job but is she is not highly educated as you say this may not be easy.

 

[Sina]

Don’t you guys all think though that everyone who is able to work should at least try to find gainful and meaningful employment?

I am really curious how old she is, and how she is supported?

 

[iluvmybabies]

I want to speak about this from a different perspective… I started dating my fiance when he was working…he got into an accident and wouldn’t work took him 2 years to get a job…So many times I wanted things to be over because of the burden I had helping him and trying to keep my own job and maintaining my own home… But we rode it out…Getting married this August, GOD willing crossing fingers all goes accordingly hopefully it is GOD’s will we have a baby on the way and I am a single mom of 3 kids…

I am independent, he’s less educated than I am and yet we manage to make this relationship work…As much as money is needed in all episodes of life…Sometimes we don’t give ourselves the break we need and indulge ourselves in a time for ourselves…Maybe that’s what she’s doing…Take it slow…you can even have conversations about her future plans you know?! wouldn’t hurt to know where her head’s at…at leat you will know ahead of time if she’d be willing to grow education wise and career wise…If she’s not then maybe you just need to move on you know?!

 

[Ann_Pavitt]

I love what SugarMagnolia said: Id rather be with someone who was broke and I loved than someone whom I didnt love but was rich. yes I agree, we cannot live on love alone, money is important and allows us to have the basics in life, but those are not so hard to obtain provided one has at least some money. Even though you dont make a lot of money you can surely provide the basics, and thats all that a relationship needs, materialistically. If you cna provide the basics and shower your girlfriend with an abundance of love your relationship will be much better for it than worrying whether she has an income or not. Its also early days in your relationship. She will get a job somewhere along the line, provided she’s not too fussy and has the motivation to better herself.

If your love for this woman is strong enough, surely you wont let the fact that she is not earning (now but may very well earn at a later stage) be the deciding factor on whether to end the relationship or not?. Of importance also, is that your educational and intellectual levels are matched otherwise you will bore each other to tears. See what it would be like to live with her on a day to day basis and you’ll get a good idea of whether you can “live with” the idea of being together in a marriage. When you see each other on a daily basis you will get to see what a person is like if they are irritated, tired, sad, happy, in pain etc. Spending the odd weekend together is not a realistic perception of what your partner is like in “real life”.

 

[joandarc2008]

Epistemes-

I think based on past threads you have started on a girl you talked to on the internet and have only met three times you need to ask yourself honestly some things:

1. Am I looking for the right one or any one to marry?
2. Am I ready to enter marriage or even discern marriage?
3. Am I able to give valid consent?
4. Would a marriage with me be valid?

 

[Ann_Pavitt]

I commend Spaceneedle on her comment that she is less bright than her fiancee and grew up in the sticks. It takes courage to admit our shortcomings. I too have to have things explained to me twice sometimes - notwithstanding that in 2008, I suffered a breakdown due to severe stress experienced at work and due to my divorce (end 2007) and had zero concentration and I mean ZERO concentration! If you talked to me then I wouldnt have been able to recall a conversation between us minutes later. It is only very recently that I have begun reading light stuff initially and am gradually reading more complicated material due to severely impaired concentration prior to that. At the encouragement of my bfriend (of 4 months) I am attempting studying towards my 2nd year post grad degree in Information Management (after a break of 3 yrs). I also very often wonder what my bfriend sees in me. Intellectual ability should not be a barrier to true love and romance.

 

[chevalier]

1. Am I able to give valid consent?
2. Would a marriage with me be valid?

Assuming one’s over 18, without diagnosed severe issues and not lying while placing the vows, or lying/hiding anything to obtain consent from the other party, those two should be easy!

(Valid marriage is not ideal marriage, it’s just the minimum. Some tribunals get it wrong, but Rome holds the ground. )