Worried about spouse: Advice appreciated

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teachermama

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Hello All,

My husband and I were married 25 years ago in the Catholic Church. I have been an active practicing Catholic all my life, and my faith is very close to my heart. I have taught in Catholic high school for 26 years(teaching primarily religion courses), and I am active in music ministry at my parish. My husband and I have twin boys who attended Catholic school in elementary and high school; they are 22 now, and both practicing Catholics. One of our sons is currently discerning the Jesuit priesthood.

My great concern is over my husband’s distancing himself from his faith. When we first met, we were both active in our Church youth group; I was in the choir, and we both attended Mass regularly. I guess I always assumed his faith was an integral part of who he was, as it was for me. Although we attended Church together early in our marriage, he began to attend less and less over the years, then stood in the back of the church, even when our sons were serving Mass. Pretty soon, he stopped attending. I talked with him about this, and he told me he didn’t “care for religion”, and that “there is a big difference between religion and God”. I have told him that I love him enough to care about his relationship with God, and he has told me repeatedly that “the more I push him, the more he will push back”. I asked him if he would at least agree to be open to a relationship with his God, and he has said “yes”, but I don’t see any indication of effort on his part. I honestly don’t think he wants to be bothered. He plans all kinds of activities for the weekend that he enjoys, on his own–involving photo-taking and computer-social groups/classes. I almost feel like he has made technology his new idol. When our son, who has just graduated with a neuroscience degree, announced he was discerning the Jesuit priesthood, my husband expressed a cold acceptance to this in front of him, but then later expressed anger to me, raging about how all his money and hard work toward a science degree was for naught. I explained that Jesuits often pursue degrees in science, but this didn’t seem to make a difference.

I take my marriage vows very seriously, and I want to do all I can to nurture our marriage, but it hurts me deeply to see my husband trying to live a life without God. He becomes proud, self-righteous, and almost seems to want to prove he doesn’t need God. Because my faith and the teaching of religion is such a big part of my life, I think I must represent this part of life to him…his walls are great. Thoughtful advice and guidance from members of this forum are greatly appreciated.

Bless you–
 
Although I’m sure you are genuinely saddened by your husband’s decreasing interest in the Church, there really isn’t anything constructive you can do other than try to set a good example for him. If you want to be UN-constructive you can badger, nag, and harass him about it. But honestly, that will just drive him away. (Please note…I am not suggesting that you are doing these things. Just pointing them out as behaviors to avoid.) He’s an adult. You can’t control him. Perhaps, with the help of your good example, he will come back someday. Perhaps not. I the mean time, don’t allow this to poison your marriage. I’m sure he has plenty of good qualities.
 
TeacherMama,
This is a tough situation, with some similarity to my situation. I think about how St Monica, who was a saint!!! prayed for 17 years for her son’s conversion, and I try to not directly talk with my husband about our differences. But I do pray for him and try to be a very good wife. Those are probably the best things that I can do.

Annie
 
Prayer, prayer, and more prayer.

Maybe look for fresh new ways to live out your faith in a way that might inspire him (charitable work, in-home bible studies, feeding the poor, etc.). Ask if he would like to join you on each of your new ventures, but don’t push anything. Living by our “works” is very important, and I believe it has the power to impact others by observing what the faith does for us.

Also, check out some of the more exotic catholic couples retreats, and see if he might be interested in going on one of these with you. Pick a retreat that is somewhere he might be interested to go and entice him on that point.

God bless, and Peace be with you.
 
Bless you for your advice and for taking the time to respond to me.
 
Anything could have triggered this.

One thing that sometimes helps men get their faith back is to have something important to do at the Church. Ask Father if there are any projects going on at the parish that could use your husband’s particular skill set. If so, then perhaps Father could invite your husband to come and help out.

I would keep it specific to his talents; otherwise he might say, “My wife could do that; you should ask her.” If possible, make it something he knows you can’t do. 😉
 
I am so sorry this has happened to you. On the bright side, think how many masses your son will be able to offer for the conversion of his father!
 
St_Francis said:
TeacherMama,
This is a tough situation, with some similarity to my situation. I think about how St Monica, who was a saint!!! prayed for 17 years for her son’s conversion, and I try to not directly talk with my husband about our differences. But I do pray for him and try to be a very good wife. Those are probably the best things that I can do.

Annie
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I am a widow now, but for forty years my husband did not take his Catholic faith seriously. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer he began to think about the shortness of life. Gradually he began to go to Mass with me, and four months before his death he went to confession. He was so relieved and happy after that! He died a happy and peaceful death surrounded by our eight childfren.

I prayed a lot for him, and friends did as well. Prayer is very powerful! It changes us, and then the peace and calm others see in us they want to have also.

TeacherMama,

Since your husband has told you that if you push he will push back, then perhaps being the best example you can be will help. And, much prayer! God bless you on your spiritual journey!
 
teachermama said:
Hello All,

My husband and I were married 25 years ago in the Catholic Church. I have been an active practicing Catholic all my life, and my faith is very close to my heart. I have taught in Catholic high school for 26 years(teaching primarily religion courses), and I am active in music ministry at my parish. My husband and I have twin boys who attended Catholic school in elementary and high school; they are 22 now, and both practicing Catholics. One of our sons is currently discerning the Jesuit priesthood.

My great concern is over my husband’s distancing himself from his faith. When we first met, we were both active in our Church youth group; I was in the choir, and we both attended Mass regularly. ** I guess I always assumed his faith was an integral part of who he was, as it was for me. ** Although we attended Church together early in our marriage, he began to attend less and less over the years, then stood in the back of the church, even when our sons were serving Mass. Pretty soon, he stopped attending. I talked with him about this, and he told me he didn’t “care for religion”, and that “there is a big difference between religion and God”. I have told him that I love him enough to care about his relationship with God, and he has told me repeatedly that “the more I push him, the more he will push back”. I asked him if he would at least agree to be open to a relationship with his God, and he has said “yes”, but I don’t see any indication of effort on his part. I honestly don’t think he wants to be bothered. He plans all kinds of activities for the weekend that he enjoys, on his own–involving photo-taking and computer-social groups/classes. I almost feel like he has made technology his new idol. When our son, who has just graduated with a neuroscience degree, announced he was discerning the Jesuit priesthood, my husband expressed a cold acceptance to this in front of him, but then later expressed anger to me, raging about how all his money and hard work toward a science degree was for naught. I explained that Jesuits often pursue degrees in science, but this didn’t seem to make a difference.

I take my marriage vows very seriously, and I want to do all I can to nurture our marriage, but it hurts me deeply to see my husband trying to live a life without God. He becomes proud, self-righteous, and almost seems to want to prove he doesn’t need God. Because my faith and the teaching of religion is such a big part of my life, I think I must represent this part of life to him…his walls are great. Thoughtful advice and guidance from members of this forum are greatly appreciated.

Bless you–
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This assumption probably wasn’t true. There comes a point in time, in every believer’s life, when they have to take on their faith as their own, to claim it and to grow it. Some people walk away at that point. They’ve been going through the motions, for the sake of others including perhaps parents, but can’t make the jump to a faith life of their own. Some wrestle with it for years, and finally realize that God needs to be the driving force in their life. Some never get beyond a baby-sized faith, just accepting the minimum and not going any deeper.

It sounds as though your husband never got to the point where he could claim the Creed as his own, but instead drifted away, missing one Mass at a time and not caring to confess his sins. Maybe he felt like a fraud since you were so visibly Catholic. NOT blaming you for his choices, just saying that sometimes people use that as a reason. Sometimes people fall into sin such as pornography or adultery and are too consumed by the sin and too guilty to come back to church.

You said he got angry at your son’s discernment of the priesthood - is he also a scientist? Was your husband at all bothered because his son would not marry and have children, or was it all about the science degree being “wasted?”

Here’s one thing you can do. Get a green scapular, have it blessed, and put it under his side of the mattress. (Of course if he would wear it, that would be better!) Then pray this prayer every day, “Immaculate heart of Mary, pray for (your husband’s name) and all of us sinners now and at the hour of our death.” You can add any other prayers you wish. The green scapular is meant for the conversion of unbelievers.

Two, pray for him. Put him on every prayer list you have access to. Ask people to pray for him. I have prayed for my husband’s re-conversion for years, and so far, no luck, but I have faith in the Holy Spirit! Not in my timing, but God’s. I pray that my husband’s heart will break and he will invite Jesus back into his heart. He used to be a quite devout young boy, but lost his faith when his parents divorced. It’s a shame that his father’s infidelity and divorce is taking him into very dangerous territory - I try not not think about him suddenly dying without an opportunity to confess and receive absolution. But he doesn’t think he sins! :eek:

I offer my daily trials for the conversion of my husband. I pray intentions for him. I pray every time I can, in whatever way I can. It’s all I can do. And I am no longer going to get into arguments with him. Sometimes he tries to taunt me into a negative response, and I have fallen for it too often. Now when he says something controversial, I just say something non-committal like, “Hmmmm, interesting.” Or even, “You may be right about that.”

I will add you to my prayers. There are many of us here with agnostic/atheistic/unbelieving husbands. (in my case, both of us were the same when we married but I reverted when we first got pregnant with our older son)

:signofcross:
 
teachermama said:
Hello All,

My husband and I were married 25 years ago in the Catholic Church. I have been an active practicing Catholic all my life, and my faith is very close to my heart. I have taught in Catholic high school for 26 years(teaching primarily religion courses), and I am active in music ministry at my parish. My husband and I have twin boys who attended Catholic school in elementary and high school; they are 22 now, and both practicing Catholics. One of our sons is currently discerning the Jesuit priesthood.

My great concern is over my husband’s distancing himself from his faith. When we first met, we were both active in our Church youth group; I was in the choir, and we both attended Mass regularly. I guess I always assumed his faith was an integral part of who he was, as it was for me. Although we attended Church together early in our marriage, he began to attend less and less over the years, then stood in the back of the church, even when our sons were serving Mass. Pretty soon, he stopped attending. I talked with him about this, and he told me he didn’t “care for religion”, and that “there is a big difference between religion and God”. I have told him that I love him enough to care about his relationship with God, and he has told me repeatedly that “the more I push him, the more he will push back”. I asked him if he would at least agree to be open to a relationship with his God, and he has said “yes”, but I don’t see any indication of effort on his part. I honestly don’t think he wants to be bothered. He plans all kinds of activities for the weekend that he enjoys, on his own–involving photo-taking and computer-social groups/classes. I almost feel like he has made technology his new idol. When our son, who has just graduated with a neuroscience degree, announced he was discerning the Jesuit priesthood, my husband expressed a cold acceptance to this in front of him, but then later expressed anger to me, raging about how all his money and hard work toward a science degree was for naught. I explained that Jesuits often pursue degrees in science, but this didn’t seem to make a difference.

I take my marriage vows very seriously, and I want to do all I can to nurture our marriage, but it hurts me deeply to see my husband trying to live a life without God. He becomes proud, self-righteous, and almost seems to want to prove he doesn’t need God. Because my faith and the teaching of religion is such a big part of my life, I think I must represent this part of life to him…his walls are great. Thoughtful advice and guidance from members of this forum are greatly appreciated.

Bless you–
Click to expand...
Hmmmmmmm Fathers are often 2 time losers. They loose a lot when they work so hard to provide for their off spring. Then they loose a lot when they have succeeded in this endeavor because often there may be an unrecognized, sub -conscious mechanism where the father is just a little jealous of the son’s oppurtunities.🤷😉

As a father that has wrestled with Our Lord many times in terms of the Belief issues, I have learned that it ultimately leads to a deeper faith. As Peter indicated, it (Catholicsim) is the only** real** game in town. If he thinks that science is the real answer, just wait until he finishes extrapolating just exactly what all that entails. It is truly a dark place indeed.

As an old saying goes- ‘One must often loose one’s faith before one finds actual Faith.’:cool:

That said, the above may not apply to your situation.

In terms of " … and he has told me repeatedly that “the more I push him, the more he will push back”. I must say these are very true words. It is hard to let go and see someone suffering in this manner that is a loved one. Some things we just can not work out for our loved ones. They must do it themselves. Deep sigh…

The Danes say " An old flame never truly dies…etc." So it is with Catholicism.
 
Your story is very similar to mine, except that I was the husband fighting to build a Catholic marriage and family while my wife strayed from the faith, and from my own experience and from what I’ve seen of Catholic parenting over the years, there is just one thing that stands out to me from your story.

Which is…

If both of your sons at 22 are still practicing Catholics and one is discerning the Jesuit priesthood, then you have succeeded in your vocation as a wife and mother, and have everything to be thankful for. You have far more than myself and many other grieving Catholic parents have. Keep your focus on them and your own faith. Continue to be the best wife you can for your husband, but let him make his own choices. He knows perfectly well where you stand and where the Church stands, and doesn’t need to be reminded - EVER.

That’s the main thing I want to say. I’ve got a couple other things to mention from my own experience. Take whatever you want from these, or nothing at all.

Our marriage ended after 10 years when my wife left me for another man. Her second marriage lasted 12 years, until she moved on again.
teachermama said:
I have told him that I love him enough to care about his relationship with God, and he has told me repeatedly that “the more I push him, the more he will push back”.
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That was the story of my marriage with regard to religion, and just about everything else. Your husband may not be so extreme, and I hope he isn’t. Hopefully it’s just an excuse for not going to Church, which, though it sounds bad, is much better than a persistent, pre-meditated, sabotaging behaviour.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
Your story is very similar to mine, except that I was the husband fighting to build a Catholic marriage and family while my wife strayed from the faith, and from my own experience and from what I’ve seen of Catholic parenting over the years, there is just one thing that stands out to me from your story.

Which is…

If both of your sons at 22 are still practicing Catholics and one is discerning the Jesuit priesthood, then you have succeeded in your vocation as a wife and mother, and have everything to be thankful for. You have far more than myself and many other grieving Catholic parents have. Keep your focus on them and your own faith. Continue to be the best wife you can for your husband, but let him make his own choices. He knows perfectly well where you stand and where the Church stands, and doesn’t need to be reminded - EVER.

So, above all, give thanks every day that your sons have kept the faith, and pray for them.

That’s the main thing I want to say. I’ve got a couple other things to mention from my own experience. Take whatever you want from these, or nothing at all.

Our marriage ended after 10 years when my wife left me for another man. Her second marriage lasted 12 years, until she moved on again.

That was the story of my marriage with regard to religion, and just about everything else. Your husband may not be so extreme, and I hope he isn’t. Hopefully it’s just an excuse for not going to Church, which, though it sounds bad, is much better than a persistent, pre-meditated, sabotaging behaviour.
Click to expand...
 
I just wanted to add my prayerful and loving support to you. I agree with the others about prayer and also that we need to truly trust in God’s power and timing. As much as you love your husband, God loves him MORE, as much as you yearn for your husband, God yearns MORE. So abandoning your heart and worries to God, who is King of kings and Lord of lords, is the ultimate loving act.

I worried greatly for my father’s soul - he was firm in himself and uninterested in my faith, a man of great accomplishments and I felt unable to tap his mind or heart with my fears. But God allowed him to quickly fall into illness, be moved into my home, and pass away after one month in my arms…after receiving Baptism and Annointing of the Sick… and his declaration, “I love you all,” while opening his arms wide… I still cannot believe it…

Thanks be to God. I will pray for you with trust in God, to my best ability.
 
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