Worried about the future

[Matorin]

Note: This question is very sexual and perhaps graphic in nature, please only those who are married or have scientific knowledge about such matters read

I will be married to my fiance in a few months. We are both very excited about starting a family, but I have a concern. Early in high school I became addicted to pornography. It was only by God’s grace and the help of my priest that I quit and have been free since then. I have remained a virgin physically, but my mind is not.

My problem has been since then I have a problem getting erection around my fiance. We have drawn firm boundaries when it comes to physical affection so as to remain pure for the marriage bed, stopping at extended periods of kissing, sometimes which can last several hours. When we are doing this, I feel like this should be enough for me to get an erection as a natural physical response to this, and it worries me that I am having problems. Sometimes I am able to get a full erection, but oftentimes I notice I am not fully erect. While I think some of this may be because of the length of our kissing (I am not expecting to be able to maintain a full erection for several hours obviously) I am worried for when we are actually married at my inability to satisfy her. I have read advice that one should just think of the scenes in order to get aroused but I refuse to do this as I have asked God for many years now to take those images out of my mind and I refuse to put any other woman higher than my wife ever again. I do not care for myself; it is that she deserves to be fully satisfied. Should I not worry about it, let God take care of it, then deal with it once we are actually married if it becomes a problem, or is there any advice you can offer me? Would something like Viagra be an okay thing to use because, unlike a contraceptive, it is actually helping to create life?

 

[bnbkaine]

I think it is interesting that you have asked God for a very specific thing and when He gives it to you, you wonder if maybe there is something wrong. I say this with the greatest charity because I am sure I have done that many times myself.

I would not worry about this right now. I am not a guy, but I know that extended erections are painful and I can’t imagine that you would want that. You are attracted to your fiance and you are trying to remain chaste. Let God work and don’t question the results.

Don’t stress too much, it won’t help the situation, and I am sure that the morning after your wedding, everything will have worked out fine.

 

[prodigalson12]

I have never been married, but my past was not at all pure, ie. when I was a lapsed Catholic, not going to mass, and having a very liberal approach to the church teachings and not following them in regards to the premarital element., I can tell you from experience here, it’s a blessing for you in the here and now, do not throw it away. Take note when you wake up in the morning, the equipment for us guys tend to be working in full swing by default without any stimulation as an indication here. Know that kissing is also only one element of foreplay, there are many things that go on past that element which will more then address your concerns. And good for you to continue to pursue keeping those thoughts out of your mind, when you are married and are truly giving yourselves to each other, you will notice what you experience to be a much higher form then anything you have ever experienced before, it’s much more then just physical contact, it’s spiritual, and you will never be closer to another living soul at that moment, then you will be with her. It’s truly something else, and doing it right in the manner as you two are, far better then anything I’ve experienced.

I am ashamed of my past relationships, but at least I have an indication as to what it could be like, yet since it was not done in the proper context, it never was fully expounded upon.

 

[tbcrawford]

Matorin
I understand the problem you are concerned about of not being able to have an erection (this is more common than you realise).Make an appointment to see your doctor & tell him you exactly what you have said here.The wonderful loving close bond of marriage is far more than the sexual act.The Sacrament of marriage is of loving and respecting one another in the eyes of God.I know obviously you will want to try for children so it is best to chat to your doctor about this.
It may be that once you are married and relax with one another things will be alright in that department anyway!It may be that you and your wife will naturally find the right way for you both.
May God bless you and guide you

 

[iumaddog627]

First, let me say that I am not a guy. I have been married to my husband for just shy of a year now.

Have you talked to your fiancee about this? One of the posters stated what half of what I was going to say above. When you’re married, God might make it all work out perfectly for you. And, there is more than just kissing to foreplay. The other activities might help you along. I know you want to please her, but I also know that when guys get nervous or stressed it’s difficult to get an erection. If you talk with your fiancee about this, I am sure she will be understanding. My husband and I went through a bout of stress where he was afraid for his job and just could get it up. As someone else said, marriage is about a lot more than just the marital bed, so if you can’t focus on the bedroom aspect, focus on other aspects of your marriage, like getting to know each other and enjoying being married.

And, please don’t have too many lofty expectations for the wedding night. We were both so exhausted that night that sex had to wait until we woke up after a couple hours of sleep. And, from what I hear from my friends, this is not uncommon. A wedding is a very exciting and stressful event and can take its toll on the body.