Worried Father

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FamilyMan3410

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I will make this short. My daughter is 26, college educated and has a good job. She has been seeing a man for a couple of years now, and they are planning an engagement. He’s a nice young man with a good job and they are very happy together.

My only concern is his appearance. At least as far as I can tell, he is covered with tattoos. They go down both of his arms and up his neck-though he doesn’t have any on his actual face. It doesn’t seem to be a problem for him professionally, as he makes good money, at least for right now. But I’m concerned about his judgement along with how this will reflect on my daughter and their future children. I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around this one. Am I right to be concerned?
 
Have you ever just asked him like… “Hey so what’s with all the tattoos?”

Perhaps he got them all years ago and doesn’t particularly care for them anymore but also that amount of laser removal would be crazy. Perhaps they are part of a bad past he’d rather forget.

Or maybe he just likes to have his skin inked.

Are any of them actually obscene or anything?
 
Not everyone finds tattoos objectionable. Obviously your daughter – who is a responsible, self-supporting adult – doesn’t. And neither does his employer.

I’d say you’re outvoted. 😉
 
The_Bucket said:
Or maybe he just likes to have his skin inked.
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I casually mentioned it to her when they started dating, and according to her, he just likes ink, and as far as I know he’s still getting them. That’s one of the reasons I worry about his judgement. Not only is he covered in tattoos, he keeps spending more money on them.

I don’t think that any are obscene, at least not that I’ve noticed. He really doesn’t seem like the type to get anything offensive, I’ll grant him that. It isn’t that I dislike him, I just see this as a big warning sign.
 
A lot of people really like tattoos and see them as beautiful artwork with which to adorn their bodies. Or if they don’t choose to get tattoos for themselves (or visible ones, at least) but they really like them on other people. Just like some people wear lots of jewelry or the women who regularly wear a face full of makeup. It is not a sign of bad judgement, but rather a personal preference.
Maybe I am an oddball, but despite being a normal-looking, boring suburban mom, I have always thought tattoos are intriguing. Each one holds a special story, and represents something from the life of the person. Now I don’t like obscene images as tattoos, but a lot of tattoos in general is not a problem. Full sleeves of interwoven tattoos, or giant unique images can be very attractive.
Disclosure: I have one hidden tattoo of feminine design. My husband has never and will never get one. I love tattoos, he hates them. Go figure!😛

So don’t worry. Tattoos do not represent bad judgement or character. Maybe, ask the young man to explain the reasons behind some of the tattoos. Many people do enjoy getting a chance to tell their story about the why and how of their skin ink.
 
FamilyMan3410 said:
I casually mentioned it to her when they started dating, and according to her, he just likes ink, and as far as I know he’s still getting them. That’s one of the reasons I worry about his judgement. Not only is he covered in tattoos, he keeps spending more money on them.

I don’t think that any are obscene, at least not that I’ve noticed. He really doesn’t seem like the type to get anything offensive, I’ll grant him that. It isn’t that I dislike him, I just see this as a big warning sign.
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A big warning sign of what, exactly? Do you think they are a sign that he is violent or criminal or something? Is there any indication that he has whatever traits you fear beyond the prejudice that links tattoos to these things?

He spends money on them? People spend lots of money on many things, including collecting art, which tatoos are when at their best. It’s only an issue if he spends so much that he cannot support himself and/or your daughter properly because of it. Again, is there any indication that this is the case?
 
Yeah I’d just get him to talk about it and say that they are “interesting” or something.

As to the money thing… well a lot of people have hobbies. Would you be worried if he took up golfing and spent thousands on new clubs? Or is it really just the ink and not the cash?
 
Tatoos aren’t my cup of tea…but heh, if he’s a good guy, holds down a responsible job, AND won the heart of your daughter…I’d not worry about it. Just look at his eyes, and not his arms!
 
Several people have asked what I think it could be a warning sign of. I think that it could be an indication that he lacks impulse control, that he doesn’t consider his/his family’s future, that he doesn’t care about the image that he’s projecting-and that people will associate my daughter with that kind of image, that he would rather look different than protect his future job prospects, that he does have a desire to look or be different just for the sake of being different, the money issue, and that he may not be fully mature yet.

I’m not saying that any of those things are true, only that I’m concerned that they could be. My daughter brought home a man with tattoos down his arms and onto his hands, and tattoos going up his neck all the way around. I think that any father would have a few reservations.
 
I’m not a tattoo guy… but I’d be more worried if my daughter brought home a hipster in a trilby.

Of course, that would be super weird since my daughters are preschool age and baby…
 
@the OP,
You have said you do not see any tattoos that are offensive. Are you sure? I’d be checking for tattoos that have satanic influences. Tattoos with inoffensive content is one thing, but it’s incredible just how many people have gone in for satanic content on their skin. Makes me very sad. Someone who intentionally marks himself with satanically influenced tattoos is someone who’s going to have a lot of explaining to do before the Lord come Judgement Day. I realize this young man is an adult and has the free will to do this to himself. But I will still have a conversation with your daughter and question her closely about the tattoo content on him.
 
Im wondering why you havent stated that he is a good Catholic or Christian. I would be more concerned about whether this man will help your daughter and their future children get to heaven. If you are confident about that, then to me the tatoos mean virtually nothing if all else you have said is true.
 
robertkchacon said:
Im wondering why you havent stated that he is a good Catholic or Christian. I would be more concerned about whether this man will help your daughter and their future children get to heaven. If you are confident about that, then to me the tatoos mean virtually nothing if all else you have said is true.
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I apologize. Yes, he is a Catholic, as is my daughter. Neither one of them are as practicing as my wife and I would have hoped, but we pray that they will they will return soon.
 
There’s nothing wrong with tattoos and just because someone spends their money on getting tattoos doesn’t mean the person has bad judgement. There are far worse things to spend money on than that. As long as he’s a decent guy and is good to your daughter, why do the tattoos matter?
 
FamilyMan3410 said:
Several people have asked what I think it could be a warning sign of. I think that it could be an indication that he lacks impulse control, that he doesn’t consider his/his family’s future, that he doesn’t care about the image that he’s projecting-and that people will associate my daughter with that kind of image, that he would rather look different than protect his future job prospects, that he does have a desire to look or be different just for the sake of being different, the money issue, and that he may not be fully mature yet.
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If they’re well-done tattoos, then it took time to decide on the design, work with the tattoo artist, decide where and how to place them . . . it’s anything but an “impulse control” problem. And it’s kind of hard to hold down most well-paying jobs if you have a problem with impulse control.
Also, the mere fact of having tattoos has nothing to do with maturity. Now, if they were all My Little Pony . . .

He sounds like a responsible, self-supporting adult (just like your daughter), who happens to have different opinions that you on this one subject. Unless you want to alienate your daughter, you’ll have to learn to live with it.
 
OP, just ask the boyfriend about the tatooes. Something along the lines of ‘I was wondering about your tatooes? what do they mean to you?’. 😊 🙂
 
FamilyMan3410 said:
Several people have asked what I think it could be a warning sign of. I think that it could be an indication that he lacks impulse control, that he doesn’t consider his/his family’s future, that he doesn’t care about the image that he’s projecting-and that people will associate my daughter with that kind of image, that he would rather look different than protect his future job prospects, that he does have a desire to look or be different just for the sake of being different, the money issue, and that he may not be fully mature yet.

I’m not saying that any of those things are true, only that I’m concerned that they could be. My daughter brought home a man with tattoos down his arms and onto his hands, and tattoos going up his neck all the way around. I think that any father would have a few reservations.
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When I tell people that I am Catholic, some of them automatically get a stereotype about me. They only see what the media tells them and judge me by that. Its okay, in this modern world, I am used to it now. It sounds like the same deal with you and his tattoos. But I hope after 2 years of him dating your daughter, I hope you have at least gone past the exterior of his skin and found more about him internally. From what you have described about him, I see nothing wrong with him and it sounds like you don’t have a problem with him. So I wouldn’t be too concerned. And who knows, maybe when they have children, their Catholic foundation might be coming back, it happens sometimes when children come about.
 
I really don’t find tattoos to be attractive either but if this young man is going to marry your daughter you should not let the tattoos bother you. I would be more concerned about his moral character and beliefs. You mentioned that both he and your daughter are not practicing Catholics at the moment. For example, if they were living together that would be a much bigger concern for their future children because that is setting a family dynamic that will be hard to break. Morality or lack thereof is the bigger concern.
 
I am with you my friend. People with tattoos all over the place give me the willies. However… the other posters here, who are more than likely correct, point out that this is just the “thing” of the day. When I was young there were hippies. Now, there are tats.

The good news here, and honestly, it alleviated most of my concerns on the spot, he is employed, makes good money, and is Catholic. Myself… I would be really grateful for those two things alone. I imagine this guy has a good head on his shoulders, or you would have said so in your op. I understand… she is your daughter… but deep down inside, if you think he is a good person, and your daughter… providing she shows good judgement… he makes her happy?

It will be ok. 👍
 
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