Worried Father

[Caroline723]

I actually agree with the OP here. If it were one or two less noticeable tattoos, that would be one thing. To be covering one’s body with tattoos is a sign of something disordered.

A few decades ago getting a tattoo was a sign of rebellion or drunken stupidity. Even now that everyone and their mother is getting tattooed, it still projects a negative image. Gang members get tattoos. And it is not the same as wearing makeup or getting yours ears pierced (for a woman). I would equate it with covering your body with piercings. And it doesn’t help that probably 2 of 5 patients I see with multiple inkings end up testing positive for Hep C. Or that I read a survey a few months ago that concluded men think of women with tattoos as being looser than those without, and more likely to sleep with them on the first date. Women perceived men with tattoos as more dangerous and exciting than those without.

However, I don’t think the tattoos alone are cause for sounding alarms about this guy. Heck, I have a friend who took her three tattoos with her to a cloistered carmelite convent. But if this guy is marrying your daughter, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to take him for a beer and have a casual conversation about why so many? And while his employer now might not have a problem with it, unless your daughter is marrying David Beckham, it might pose an issue for employment in the future.

But here’s an idea for the bachelor party gift: a copy of Flannery O’Conner’s Parker’s Back.

 

[hizown]

To be covering one’s body with tattoos is a sign of something disordered.

:sad_yes::sad_yes::sad_yes: :ehh:

O.P., to me the tattoos signal a lack of maturity and discernment (not to mention poor taste), a reversion to primitiveness.

Always at the back of my mind, when I see tattoos, is the Nazi brandings of people in the concentration camps…utter disregard for humanity. Human flesh is neither an animal hide nor a mere canvas for painting. It makes no sense that people simply brand themselves like livestock, forgetting that they—including their whole body—are[SIGN] made in God’s image! [/SIGN] That means there is something sacred inherent in the human body.

And last but not least, I also always recall the injunction in Lev. 19:28 about not making any cuts or tattoos in yourself.

 

[InNomineDomini]

I have to say that I object very strongly to excessive tattooing. I will grant that one here or there can be attractive, even beautiful. But the extremes that some individuals feel comfortable with are not something I could defend in any rational way. On the other hand, I could easily rationally defend abstaining from such extremes.

In terms of judging the character of a person who is excessively tattooed: I think it’s quite clear that most people get tattoos as a form of self-expression. They want to communicate something about themselves in a non-verbal way.

If this is true, then it’s perfectly reasonable to speak to this young man about his tattoo choices, both their individual content as well as their number. He wants to tell everyone–stranger or not–something about himself with his tattoos, and thus it is perfectly sensible to take advantage of his desire.

But I think I know what he will tell you when asked why he has so many.* I don’t know. I just got one, liked it, and then got a couple more, and then couldn’t* stop. I figure, I’ve come this far, why stop now?

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who was excessively tattooed who had a different view than that. I don’t think there’s some earth-shattering, deeply philosophical reasoning behind the tattoos, and neither do I think the designs or quotes are ever particularly profound or insightful.

People simply like them and they’re trendy and socially acceptable. They’re a way to start conversations and have something to talk about.

As to whether or not to be concerned about all of this, well, I would be, too. But what to do when a father can’t fully support his daughters choice in a boyfriend? There are, unfortunately limitations; and us men are always going to be considered as being too defensive of our daughters even if we have genuine things to be concerned about.

What I would be most concerned with, is finding out whether or not his penchant for excessive tattooing is the main problem, or if there are other aspects of his life that are problematic. Excessive tattooing is a bit of a lifestyle choice, and there are other things that can go along with that lifestyle. At the very least, he may have certain views on drugs and sex that might not be conducive to Catholic morality.

It’s a difficult situation, and whilst some people may sweep it under the rug as nothing whatever to be concerned with, I’m sorry, but I think such a view is naive.

 

[LongingSoul]

I casually mentioned it to her when they started dating, and according to her, he just likes ink, and as far as I know he’s still getting them. That’s one of the reasons I worry about his judgement. Not only is he covered in tattoos, he keeps spending more money on them.

I don’t think that any are obscene, at least not that I’ve noticed. He really doesn’t seem like the type to get anything offensive, I’ll grant him that. It isn’t that I dislike him, I just see this as a big warning sign.

Is he in or has been in the armed services? Tattoos can have a significance to servicemen that seems understandable.

If he is just a civilian with a tattoo fetish, I’d be wary too. But in the end, your daughter is an adult and these decisions are hers to make. You’ve made your gut feelings known to her and that’s important, but now your job is done in that regard.

For what it is worth, I have the same sense of abhorrence about tatoo ‘art’. It’s like graffitti. It looks fabulous to the artist when it’s being done, but its the rest of us that have to endure the garrishness of the stuff in the course of normal interaction with the afflicted. I’d be more happy to view an album of the art that they carried around with them than be forced to look at it on thier bodies without being invited to a viewing!

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Several people have asked what I think it could be a warning sign of. I think that it could be an indication that he lacks impulse control, that he doesn’t consider his/his family’s future, that he doesn’t care about the image that he’s projecting-and that people will associate my daughter with that kind of image, that he would rather look different than protect his future job prospects, that he does have a desire to look or be different just for the sake of being different, the money issue, and that he may not be fully mature yet.

I’m not saying that any of those things are true, only that I’m concerned that they could be. My daughter brought home a man with tattoos down his arms and onto his hands, and tattoos going up his neck all the way around. I think that any father would have a few reservations.

This is exactly how I would feel.

I think it is best to consider speaking with him in private about this. It is on your mind and worries you. It would be best for your relationship to have an open discussion with someone that close to your daughter. I think your wording here in this post is very nice and he should not be offended by anything close to that. If he is to be your son in law, it is only honest to express your concern.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is exactly how I would feel.

I think it is best to consider speaking with him in private about this. It is on your mind and worries you. It would be best for your relationship to have an open discussion with someone that close to your daughter. I think your wording here in this post is very nice and he should not be offended by anything close to that. If he is to be your son in law, it is only honest to express your concern.

I’m not so sure about this. If he has a good job and makes the OP’s daughter happy, approaching him about his appearance is out of line. If he had a tangible concern, it would be one thing, but right now all he has is that he doesn’t like the way he looks. The tattoos are permanent, so I’m not sure what would be gained by volunteering that info.

 

[rinnie]

I will make this short. My daughter is 26, college educated and has a good job. She has been seeing a man for a couple of years now, and they are planning an engagement. He’s a nice young man with a good job and they are very happy together.

My only concern is his appearance. At least as far as I can tell, he is covered with tattoos. They go down both of his arms and up his neck-though he doesn’t have any on his actual face. It doesn’t seem to be a problem for him professionally, as he makes good money, at least for right now. But I’m concerned about his judgement along with how this will reflect on my daughter and their future children. I don’t want to be a stick in the mud, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around this one. Am I right to be concerned?

Be thankful he loves your daughter and is good to her. Most people that got them is because it was the fad. Love him and let him know that no matter what its not whats on the outside its the inside.

 

[rinnie]

I actually agree with the OP here. If it were one or two less noticeable tattoos, that would be one thing. To be covering one’s body with tattoos is a sign of something disordered.

A few decades ago getting a tattoo was a sign of rebellion or drunken stupidity. Even now that everyone and their mother is getting tattooed, it still projects a negative image. Gang members get tattoos. And it is not the same as wearing makeup or getting yours ears pierced (for a woman). I would equate it with covering your body with piercings. And it doesn’t help that probably 2 of 5 patients I see with multiple inkings end up testing positive for Hep C. Or that I read a survey a few months ago that concluded men think of women with tattoos as being looser than those without, and more likely to sleep with them on the first date. Women perceived men with tattoos as more dangerous and exciting than those without.

However, I don’t think the tattoos alone are cause for sounding alarms about this guy. Heck, I have a friend who took her three tattoos with her to a cloistered carmelite convent. But if this guy is marrying your daughter, I think it’s perfectly appropriate to take him for a beer and have a casual conversation about why so many? And while his employer now might not have a problem with it, unless your daughter is marrying David Beckham, it might pose an issue for employment in the future.

But here’s an idea for the bachelor party gift: a copy of Flannery O’Conner’s Parker’s Back.

My SIL has quite a few. I asked my daughter why? She said she asked him once and he said it was at a time in his life that he was sad, and depressed etc.

He is a electrician and cannot wear his wedding ring. He puts in on his dash before work puts in on after work.

He said someday he will get one more on his ring finger of a wedding ring.

But I will say one thing he is a very big kid, not fat all muscle, the kind that shows you work hard, not gym muscle. And no one, I mean no one would ever Mess or hurt my daughter. They are scared to death of him. And he is such a puppy!

 

[LilyM]

I have to say that I object very strongly to excessive tattooing. I will grant that one here or there can be attractive, even beautiful. But the extremes that some individuals feel comfortable with are not something I could defend in any rational way. On the other hand, I could easily rationally defend abstaining from such extremes.

In terms of judging the character of a person who is excessively tattooed: I think it’s quite clear that most people get tattoos as a form of self-expression. They want to communicate something about themselves in a non-verbal way.

If this is true, then it’s perfectly reasonable to speak to this young man about his tattoo choices, both their individual content as well as their number. He wants to tell everyone–stranger or not–something about himself with his tattoos, and thus it is perfectly sensible to take advantage of his desire.

But I think I know what he will tell you when asked why he has so many.* I don’t know. I just got one, liked it, and then got a couple more, and then couldn’t* stop. I figure, I’ve come this far, why stop now?

I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who was excessively tattooed who had a different view than that. I don’t think there’s some earth-shattering, deeply philosophical reasoning behind the tattoos, and neither do I think the designs or quotes are ever particularly profound or insightful.

People simply like them and they’re trendy and socially acceptable. They’re a way to start conversations and have something to talk about.

As to whether or not to be concerned about all of this, well, I would be, too. But what to do when a father can’t fully support his daughters choice in a boyfriend? There are, unfortunately limitations; and us men are always going to be considered as being too defensive of our daughters even if we have genuine things to be concerned about.

What I would be most concerned with, is finding out whether or not his penchant for excessive tattooing is the main problem, or if there are other aspects of his life that are problematic. Excessive tattooing is a bit of a lifestyle choice, and there are other things that can go along with that lifestyle. At the very least, he may have certain views on drugs and sex that might not be conducive to Catholic morality.

It’s a difficult situation, and whilst some people may sweep it under the rug as nothing whatever to be concerned with, I’m sorry, but I think such a view is naive.

I’m not so sure. I know plenty of people who have tattoos for a reason. Might be the name of the names of loved ones (or things that remind them of their loved ones), things that reference their cultural heritage, eg Celtic patterns for folks of Irish descent or the Southern Cross constellation for those of us who have it on our countries flags, or their faith such as the Sacred Heart or a cross or rosary or bible verse.

It’s not all meaningless.

 

[Cariethra]

My church’s Youth leader has tattoos along his arms. He and his family are wonderful and extremely involved.

My sister (who has 8 children) has tattoos on her arms. They are mainly related to her children.

Tattooing is becoming very mainstream, to the point that it shouldn’t cause you any concern. Especially if he is wonderful in every other way.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I’m not so sure about this. If he has a good job and makes the OP’s daughter happy, approaching him about his appearance is out of line. If he had a tangible concern, it would be one thing, but right now all he has is that he doesn’t like the way he looks. The tattoos are permanent, so I’m not sure what would be gained by volunteering that info.

It is not out of line for a father to express love for his daughter to the man she will marry. He does have a tangible concern. He is her dad and her natural protector. If the two most important men in her life can get together and discuss this, it could be possible that what comes from it is a meeting of the minds and an understanding of each of them that they can be a team working towards her happiness.

If dad keeps his feelings to himself, he could possibly develop suspicions and concerns from time to time during the engagement and marriage and be on the lookout, rather than trusting him completely. Open and honest, respectul discussion never hurt anybody.

He does not say he doesn’t like the way he looks; he says it worries him. We are often worried about things that turn out to be nothing, but the worry is real. Talking to the young man about this worry should help put it into better perspective. And if the young man is terribly offended by the dad’s carefully chosen words and fatherly concern for the woman he loves, that right there is a danger sign.

Perhaps I think and feel this way because my family has always been close, lived near each other, been in each other’s business, and I know how much something that worries a parent can be carried along through years and how freeing discussion and trust can be. I just think it would be ridiculous for a father or mother to hide their feelings and justify it by saying “she loves him”. It is ridiculous because it does not show love of the daughter or her future husband to hide concern and avoid honest discussion that might build a better and more trusting relationship through that sharing.

 

[Lorelei12]

It is not out of line for a father to express love for his daughter to the man she will marry. He does have a tangible concern. He is her dad and her natural protector. If the two most important men in her life can get together and discuss this, it could be possible that what comes from it is a meeting of the minds and an understanding of each of them that they can be a team working towards her happiness.

If dad keeps his feelings to himself, he could possibly develop suspicions and concerns from time to time during the engagement and marriage and be on the lookout, rather than trusting him completely. Open and honest, respectul discussion never hurt anybody.

I agree with BlueEyedLady, I can’t imagine what possible benefit there would be to bringing it up. The boyfriend owes the father absolutely no explanations about his tattoos- it really is not any of his business. It does not appear that they are distasteful in an immoral way, the guy is a good man with a good job, and the OP says that this is really his only concern.

Just because someone has feelings about something, it doesn’t mean they always need to be voiced. If dad “develops suspicions and concerns” based on nothing other than a few tattoos, that is dad’s problem. It’s not worth alienating his future son in law, or his daughter, over. Besides, what is he supposed to do, spend a fortune to remove them because dad doesn’t like them? The tattoos are there, whether anyone likes it or not. I think that if the OP is truly interested in the story behind the tattoos, it would be fine to ask politely about them, as long as he doesn’t imply that there’s an issue. Otherwise, I think it would be best to let it go.

 

[DJgang]

Hello, I think dad is trying to overcome his “problem” about the tattoos and being able to voice a concern here, he should feel safe in doing so. He’s human and I think most here have spoken well about his concern. I sometimes wish this forum would stop being so “bad” toward people who have genuine concerns and just asking for clarification. It’s okay how he feels…

So, Dad, as others have said,I’m sure this young man would be happy to show and share his tattoos with you, so that you can see them all. If there appears to be no concern in other areas of his life, I think you shouldn’t worry. If he treats your daughter well, will make a fine husband and father… Don’t worry.

I have a close friend, he has a large family, is a professional, and is covered in tattoos. The people getting tattoos are of a different “society” than many years ago, like others have said, it’s mainstream now to have a tattoo or more accepting. (Hope that I worded that correctly, if not I’m sure someone will say so )

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

As I said before, I’d be interested in the content of the tattoos. If any of them showed satanic influences or themes, I’d be deeply concerned. Otherwise, butt out.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Just because someone has feelings about something, it doesn’t mean they always need to be voiced. If dad “develops suspicions and concerns” based on nothing other than a few tattoos, that is dad’s problem.

I actually was talking about openly sharing feelings and using rational discussion. For instance, “Son, I need to admit to you that I think you are a wonderful man, but I am of the old school regarding tattoos. Can you help me to get over this? I can’t seem to let go of my concern for you and your future. Help me to put my mind at ease.” Something along those lines as opposed to, “I don’t like tattoos. They make me think people will see you negatively.”

And you misunderstood “develops suspicions and concerns”. I am talking about what happens when we are not honest with others up front, how over time faking it eats at us.

Lastly, I most certainly think that a father of a 24 year old girl is entitled to express his feelings respectfully to a young man whom his daughter may marry. Maybe it seems old fashioned to you, but I don’t think you should accuse this parent of a young person of having “a problem”.

 

[Lorelei12]

I actually was talking about openly sharing feelings and using rational discussion. For instance, “Son, I need to admit to you that I think you are a wonderful man, but I am of the old school regarding tattoos. Can you help me to get over this? I can’t seem to let go of my concern for you and your future. Help me to put my mind at ease.” Something along those lines as opposed to, “I don’t like tattoos. They make me think people will see you negatively.”

And you misunderstood “develops suspicions and concerns”. I am talking about what happens when we are not honest with others up front, how over time faking it eats at us.

Lastly, I most certainly think that a father of a 24 year old girl is entitled to express his feelings respectfully to a young man whom his daughter may marry. Maybe it seems old fashioned to you, but I don’t think you should accuse this parent of a young person of having “a problem”.

And I was saying that there does not need to be a discussion about this. Having tattoos is not an immoral thing, unless they express something immoral. This poor guy doesn’t need to explain them to anyone. Just because Dad has a feeling about something doesn’t mean it needs to be expressed. Honesty does not mean saying everything that comes to your mind. The best thing for this dad to do is thank God that his daughter found a nice guy who the family likes and who treats his daughter well.

You mentioned in your other post that your family is always “in each other’s business”. Not all families are like that, and this couple might prefer not to defend choices that are not immoral and are none of anyone’s business. I would move as far away as I could if people in my family couldn’t mind their own business. Sometimes shutting your mouth and evaluating whether the situation is really problematic or whether saying something would harm the relationship in some way is the best route. Maybe this guy wouldn’t care that his future father in law is concerned about his appearance, but maybe he would be offended. Or maybe the daughter would get mad- if I were her, I would.

It’s not son-in-law’s job to “help him get over it”. That’s dad’s job.

 

[FamilyMan3410]

As I said before, I’d be interested in the content of the tattoos. If any of them showed satanic influences or themes, I’d be deeply concerned. Otherwise, butt out.

I have not seen all of his work, but I would very seriously doubt that there is anything Satanic in his tattoos.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Right now, I’m just thinking about what I am going to say/do. I haven’t made any decisions yet and I’m going to take my time doing so, as to not start off on the wrong foot with him.

They are coming into town in a few weeks, and it will be the first time that I will see a lot of him, so it should give me a better idea of his character, and how he would take being asked about his tattoos.

Just out of curiosity, is anyone here tattood? It wouldn’t hurt for me to learn a bit more about it. When I saw the smiley faces on the side of this page, three stuck out at me. If you could combine those three faces, you would have captured my feelings on the matter.

I also don’t have a problem with a tattoo here and there. It’s the down his arms/up his neck thing that gets me.

 

[Lorelei12]

Just out of curiosity, is anyone here tattood? It wouldn’t hurt for me to learn a bit more about it. When I saw the smiley faces on the side of this page, three stuck out at me. If you could combine those three faces, you would have captured my feelings on the matter.

I also don’t have a problem with a tattoo here and there. It’s the down his arms/up his neck thing that gets me.

I am not, and I actually share your opinion- I think they’re kind of gross, especially when they cover a large portion of skin like that.

But, my grandpa had tons of tattoos, kind of like you describe, all the way up his arms and across his chest. He got them in the navy. He was a good, Church going, hard working man. His tattoos were no reflection on his character, I don’t think anyone judged him or my grandmother for it, and he was employed all the way through retirement with no problems getting or keeping a job.

I guess what I’m saying is that, whatever this guy’s reasons for having them are, try not to assume anything about him or how other people will see him. I think it’s good that you’ll be waiting to get to know him better before you bring it up, if you do. If you even think he might be offended, it would be better to just accept them, since you’ll be looking at them for a long time anyway!

 

[dixieagle]

If they’re well-done tattoos, then it took time to decide on the design, work with the tattoo artist, decide where and how to place them . . . it’s anything but an “impulse control” problem. And it’s kind of hard to hold down most well-paying jobs if you have a problem with impulse control.
Also, the mere fact of having tattoos has nothing to do with maturity. Now, if they were all My Little Pony . . .

He sounds like a responsible, self-supporting adult (just like your daughter), who happens to have different opinions that you on this one subject. Unless you want to alienate your daughter, you’ll have to learn to live with it.

Exactly… especially the last sentence.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Family Man,

My personal experience and thoughts, since you asked:

I don’t have any tattoos. I have a small scar on my outside wrist, which bothers me because it is so visable, at least to me. I burned myself there years ago in a hot oven. It healed nicely, but the color of the skin is whiter than the rest. There is a special tattoo technique that is used for burn victums to make the skin look natural again. I have thought of doing that. It is not something that just any tattoo “artist” can do. As far as I know, there are few people doing it. I saw some before and after photos and it is amazing how these professionals blend skin tones just right and make scars from really bad burns practically seem to disappear. This really is the only reason I can see for tattooing. To help someone feel normal and beautiful again after a very bad experience that scars their body. I will probablly just keep covering up my scar with tight pearl bracelets or just learn to accept it as I get older, since my scar is so small.

I have seen men in the town I used to live here in Southern California with tattoos up the neck. I could tell they have been or are in a gang if it is writing that runs up the neck and/or wraps around. That is usually the name of the gang. I was riding behind a man on a bus once who had a shaved head with a tattoo across the back part of his head. That was writing, well, printing. That was weird.

I have family members in their thirties who have tattoos. They are all successful except one, who has been in and out if jail recently. But he did not have a good male role model growing up. He also helped to save his mother’s life when his stepfather attempted to kill her when he was 11 or so. None of these have a huge amount of tattoos. My great nephews’ dad just got another one on his arm. He and my niece are very good parents, both with tattoos.

Am I happy my family members have tattoos? No, in fact, it is difficult for me to look at their tattoos. I just am a person who thinks they are a blight on a body that a person chose to put there and ruin their beautiful natural skin. The tattoo doesn’t make me dislike them or even judge them. I just distracts from their looks. Which is interesting, since they probably got them to add to their looks.

It was pretty disgusting to me when my innocent nieces were young and got what later came to be called “tramp stamps”. They jumped on the tattoo band wagon and didn’t know better. (No comments please.) I never told them that I felt bad over them getting the tattoos.

I know females think it is pretty to put a colorful rose, butterfly, or huge flower on their shoulder, upper back, or elsewhere. But when I see tattoos like that, I don’t know why other people are giving compliments over them. To me, they look like something that should be in cake frosting, not permantely on a body. The popularity of these things doesn’t make sense to me.

I would never, ever get a tattoo. What I would do is sclerotherapy injections and laser treatment for the spider veins on my legs and feet that I have had since I was a teen, but are more noticable now. They are not variclose veins, but not good looking. I see people with tattoos up and down their legs and I feel better about what mine look like!

I am not the kind of person who says that something was not acceptable in the past, but it is more acceptable now because so many people are doing it.