Worried I've never had a 'proper' relationship with anyone...what to do?

[Kouyate42]

I really don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, or whether I CAN do anything.

Fact is that at the age of 24, the number of serious relationships I’ve had with anyone total a grand total of one. My mother is constantly bugging me to find someone, and this whole issue has gone from being one of ‘eh, it can wait’ to ‘oh no, better do something’.

Now fair enough what my mother wants is of little concern to me, but given that most of my family are now married, I’m beginning to wonder what is going wrong in my life that I haven’t even managed to get into a relationship with someone, much less marry and have kids.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried either. I’ve always been active socially, from personal friends to societies, clubs and activities. But it just seems I’m being passed by all the time.

I used to think that getting married was going to be something I did, but now I’m not so sure. At the same time, the very thought of being alone scares me and even saddens me to an extent.

What do I do?

 

[Trishie]

Kouyate, you are not anyone else, and have the right to wait until the right person comes along. That others have married already doesn’t define you.
You are still searching in personal ways, for instance, your designated religion and beliefs have changed several times while you have been a CAF member. With this, and with any other areas of uncertainty or searching, you haven’t finished defining who you are to yourself, so it could be confusing to a partner also. Would you not think so?

It’s unfortunate that anyone is pressing you to find a relationship before you might actually have decided upon your path, and we can’t always find the right person ‘on demand’. The time comes at its own pace.

It takes longer to launch an ocean liner than a yacht, so allow yourself the time and space you need.
All the best!

 

[dskysmine]

Hello friend,
You shouldn’t really worry about that.
I was 25 years old when I had my first relationship… and now I am 26 years old… and I am going to marry her.
For me it was pretty good not to have had a lot of girlfriends in my past to compare with my girlfriend. I enjoyed every hard time of getting to understand the feminine world for the first time with 25. It made me really try hard and dedicate to it. You do have to probably make sure it is really what you are looking for. I had a spiritual director since I was 23 that really helped me to find out that marriage was my vocation.
If you really think the married life is your vocation you should probably also do something more about it. Talk about marriage with guys in your life. Even if you don’t think they are attractive, it will help you to set apart the wheat from the chaff. It helped me a lot, it also made me rethink about crushes I had about some people and start seeing them for what they really are… sometimes you will get disappointed, but that will indeed start to make things clear. My mother also got married later. She met my father (her first boyfriend) at 27 and she got married with 29 and they are already in 28 years of marriage.
There are no age limits. As long as you don’t despair it can be a great time going around and not having to always tell somebody where you are or not having to worry about scheduling time. In time you will understand what really matters for you. Pray about it. God always helped me when I prayed to Him.
He was the one who introduced me to my fiancee in a very modern way, the internet.
Trust in Him and Love Him with all your heart. He will then show that Love back in the way you least expect it, but exactly what you need.
God Bless,
D

 

[Christmastwin]

Better to wait for the prize! Enjoy your life. Continue to live a good life and don’t worry too much about it. God will put someone in your path in His time, not yours. Relax.

I had a few pretty awful relationships that lasted far too long and then dated here and there. Never met the right guy. That’s okay! I’m very happily single and have a host of friends that I enjoy doing things with. I like my own company and have tons of stuff to keep me occupied. I would find looking for a relationship a distraction and keep me from developing my new relationship with Christ. He’s kinda my relationship for now.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I really don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, or whether I CAN do anything.

Fact is that at the age of 24, the number of serious relationships I’ve had with anyone total a grand total of one. My mother is constantly bugging me to find someone, and this whole issue has gone from being one of ‘eh, it can wait’ to ‘oh no, better do something’.

Now fair enough what my mother wants is of little concern to me, but given that most of my family are now married, I’m beginning to wonder what is going wrong in my life that I haven’t even managed to get into a relationship with someone, much less marry and have kids.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried either. I’ve always been active socially, from personal friends to societies, clubs and activities. But it just seems I’m being passed by all the time.

I used to think that getting married was going to be something I did, but now I’m not so sure. At the same time, the very thought of being alone scares me and even saddens me to an extent.

What do I do?

The following will increase your chances: (I am presuming you’re a male:shrug

(1) Seek by NOT seeking. (ie change on the inside)
(2) Be a man - stop sponging on parents and move into a shared flat with non-introverts.
(3) Don’t talk intellectual
(4) Be generous
(5) Be employed (yes having disposable income to spend on girls is attractive)
(6) Buy a house (yes assets help) - use it for (2) above.
(7) Learn to dance (there’s always a shortage of guys) so you will be in demand.

And if you think the above is cynical and superficial you are partly right. Much in relationships is shallow even amongst the apparantly “successful.”

Nevertheless you need to find that out for yourself if you cannot come to grips with that insight from within and so, for those without charisma, the above can help.

And you never know, from shallowness can come depth. The pure lotus grows from shi%$y water.

 

[1ke]

You’ve posted a number of times about your mother bugging you to marry. But you have also posted you are under the care of a mental health professional because you have a gender identity disorder, are biologically female, want to have a sex change, and are a bisexual.

So, really, given all of that I think a romantic relationship is the LAST thing you should be trying to establish. You need spiritual counseling on remaining chaste, and possibly remaining single based on these gender issues you have.

Please get spiritual counseling from a holy priest.

 

[Kouyate42]

You’ve posted a number of times about your mother bugging you to marry. But you have also posted you are under the care of a mental health professional because you have a gender identity disorder, are biologically female, want to have a sex change, and are a bisexual.

So, really, given all of that I think a romantic relationship is the LAST thing you should be trying to establish. You need spiritual counseling on remaining chaste, and possibly remaining single based on these gender issues you have.

Please get spiritual counseling from a holy priest.

Don’t you think it is better that I’m in a position of actually being able to say I’m transgendered? All these confusing thoughts in my head, weird stuff like my crossdressing in secret, all of these now have an identity and a name, and I can now move on to concentrating on things that are actually important to me. I’m now at peace having discussed all these things I’ve gone through and now I can decide what to do next.

Fact is that I’m likely stuffed in either direction. If I stay single/celibate/whatever, the pressure on me is likely only going to increase on me more than it is now. If I do undergo surgery/treatment, I will likely be rejected by my family and even actively put in great personal danger.

 

[1ke]

Don’t you think it is better that I’m in a position of actually being able to say I’m transgendered?

No. Identifying with a disordered view of sexuality is not an improvement. The secular world wants you to embrace that disorder. But, that isn’t the truth about who you are as a child of God, as a woman, as a person.

All these confusing thoughts in my head, weird stuff like my crossdressing in secret, all of these now have an identity and a name, and I can now move on to concentrating on things that are actually important to me. I’m now at peace having discussed all these things I’ve gone through and now I can decide what to do next.

Fact is that I’m likely stuffed in either direction. If I stay single/celibate/whatever, the pressure on me is likely only going to increase on me more than it is now. If I do undergo surgery/treatment, I will likely be rejected by my family and even actively put in great personal danger.

I would encourage you to continue seeking spiritual counseling, I know this is a terrible cross and a difficult and confusing time as a young adult. I cannot offer you advice on your parents except to start setting more firm boundaries regarding how they treat you and pressure you. Moving out would also be a good idea if they do not respect your boundaries.

 

[Kouyate42]

No. Identifying with a disordered view of sexuality is not an improvement. The secular world wants you to embrace that disorder. But, that isn’t the truth about who you are as a child of God, as a woman, as a person.

I can certainly agree with you on that first bit. But the roadblock comes with that last sentence. IF (and it’s a big ‘if’) I could be convinced that what you say in that last sentence is even remotely true, then yes, I would happily say ‘OK, I’ll do what God wants’. But that’s where the problem lies- I’m not even remotely convinced of this stance and the more I read, the more I hear, the less I’m convinced.

I would encourage you to continue seeking spiritual counseling, I know this is a terrible cross and a difficult and confusing time as a young adult. I cannot offer you advice on your parents except to start setting more firm boundaries regarding how they treat you and pressure you. Moving out would also be a good idea if they do not respect your boundaries.

Moving out isn’t an option. It’ll only raise tensions between me and them, plus the fact that my job doesn’t pay well enough and isn’t stable enough to pay rent/bills/living costs.

As to spiritual counselling, read above. I did try and seek some help, but I found it unhelpful as it seemed to be one-sided.

 

[1ke]

I did try and seek some help, but I found it unhelpful as it seemed to be one-sided.

That’s how the truth often is.

The secular “counseling” telling you to have a sex change has you confused as to what the Truth really is.

 

[Kouyate42]

That’s how the truth often is.

The secular “counseling” telling you to have a sex change has you confused as to what the Truth really is.

Anything the counsellor is only acting on what I’m saying, and is not trying to lead me in any way, shape or form (as no counsellor should, and especially not in this kind of scenario) She’s merely acting on the responses I give, and her final decision will be based purely on this. She could easily turn round and counsel me NOT to

Also, on the point about being one-sided, I’m not a souless robot simply programmed to accept one set of instructions, I’m a person with a personality. I can’t just accept ABC set of beliefs like that without some sort of reasoning as to why I should believe them against all the other possible beliefs out there. And so far all people seem to have done on the religious side of things is parrot dogma with little actual argument to support or explain it to me.

 

[Blue_Horizon]

You’ve posted a number of times about your mother bugging you to marry. But you have also posted you are under the care of a mental health professional because you have a gender identity disorder, are biologically female, want to have a sex change, and are a bisexual.

So, really, given all of that I think a romantic relationship is the LAST thing you should be trying to establish.

***Don’t you think it is better that I’m in a position of actually being able to say I’m transgendered? All these confusing thoughts in my head, weird stuff like my crossdressing in secret, all of these now have an identity and a name, and I can now move on to concentrating on things that are actually important to me. I’m now at peace having discussed all these things I’ve gone through and now I can decide what to do next.

Fact is that I’m likely stuffed in either direction. If I stay single/celibate/whatever, the pressure on me is likely only going to increase on me more than it is now. If I do undergo surgery/treatment, I will likely be rejected by my family and even actively put in great personal danger.***

KouYate42
You start out by asking an innocent enough question. However 1ke has pulled the plug on that assumption. It is hard not to see your question as being misleading because you say nothing about your gender identity issues which seriously impact on the advice you pretend to seek.

I think there are some hard questions you need to ask of your own good-self berfore you pursue this thread any further. (I also note you have gone off on a tangent and are now going on about things totally unrelated to your original question.)

What really is the purpose/point of your post here? Clearly your gender identity issues have huge bearing on why you cannot get close to people - yet you never mentioned them until “outed” by 1ke.

Why did you do that?

Do you think the reason you did this may have a bearing on why people may not trust/know you enough to get close to you?

You come across as looking for a pretend topic so that you can sneak in your real agenda which seems to be about venting a deeper anger against persons who try and put you in a box (which is to be expected on this Forum which has a significant number of conservative Catholic members).

I am being a bit tough on you here but I think you are caught a little in self-pity and less than honest “self-talk” which is not the way to good mental health.

 

[Bataar]

Don’t feel bad yet. I’m 33 and have never had a relationship of any kind.

 

[Kouyate42]

KouYate42
You start out by asking an innocent enough question. However 1ke has pulled the plug on that assumption. It is hard not to see your question as being misleading because you say nothing about your gender identity issues which seriously impact on the advice you pretend to seek.

I think there are some hard questions you need to ask of your own good-self berfore you pursue this thread any further. (I also note you have gone off on a tangent and are now going on about things totally unrelated to your original question.)

I’m not ‘pretending’ anything. My oriignal OP is what it is: a simple question about relationships. Any mention of my gender issues was done by 1ke, and I merely responded.

As to ‘hiding’ my gender identity issues, I have never made any attempt to hide them, and indeed I’ve been more open than most people about them, as any thread/post I’ve made on the subject will show. No-one ‘outed’ me because I was already out.

What really is the purpose/point of your post here? Clearly your gender identity issues have huge bearing on why you cannot get close to people - yet you never mentioned them until “outed” by 1ke.

Why did you do that?

Even if I am transgendered, that does not somehow magically exclude me from wanting to seeking a loving relationship. Neither does having any sort of identity disorder stop me from actually HAVING a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, or even marrying them and having children.

Do you think the reason you did this may have a bearing on why people may not trust/know you enough to get close to you?

Two-way street: many people in my life, gender issues and other personal issues aside, have betrayed my trust, treated me like dirt and generally made my life a living misery for a variety of reasons. You can understand WHY I might be a little apprehensive about being open to people.
At the same time I’ve often been secretive of certain aspects of my life because I know that I could be placed in great danger by revealing them.

You come across as looking for a pretend topic so that you can sneak in your real agenda which seems to be about venting a deeper anger against persons who try and put you in a box (which is to be expected on this Forum which has a significant number of conservative Catholic members).

It’s not a pretend topic one bit. My OP is something of quite genuine concern to me. At present, I am currently trying to balance my spirituality with my sexuality, and that is not an easy thing to do. Some people on this forum have shown me great kindness and respect for doing this, and I’m trying my best here to reciprocate that kindness.

I’m not angry at all, just trying to do the right thing.

I am being a bit tough on you here but I think you are caught a little in self-pity and less than honest “self-talk” which is not the way to good mental health.

Fact is that no-one forced you to come in here, and even if you willingly chose to read a thread, no-one forced you to reply.

 

[Samson01]

I hope you work this all out. You seem like a nice person and shouldn’t beat yourself up over things. My niece’s friend was going through hormone “therapy” and walked in front of a train in Philly about a month ago. She was devastated. Take your time and sort it out.

 

[Kouyate42]

I hope you work this all out. You seem like a nice person and shouldn’t beat yourself up over things. My niece’s friend was going through hormone “therapy” and walked in front of a train in Philly about a month ago. She was devastated. Take your time and sort it out.

Awwww I’m now blushing!

Anyways, I’m currently trying to sort out some general (not gender counselling) counselling about this.

 

[EasterJoy]

Don’t feel bad yet. I’m 33 and have never had a relationship of any kind.

When a relative was in his 30s and hadn’t married yet and people asked me about it, I used to say, “I guess he’s skipping the ‘starter’ marriage and going right to the one that’s going to last.” I don’t know if that was what he was trying to do, but that is how it turned out.

Better to never have had a “proper” relationship than to stack up a bunch of improper ones. Anyone who has had any that truly belong in the latter category would generally agree, and yet that is just the kind that undue anxiety can herd a person into.

Nobody gets a perfect relationship, but a bad one is far worse than none at all.

 

[EasterJoy]

Awwww I’m now blushing!

Anyways, I’m currently trying to sort out some general (not gender counselling) counselling about this.

There are no guarantees, but you’re far ahead of those who suffer fruitlessly because they won’t get help. Good for you, and good luck to you!!

 

[Paddy1989]

I’m 23 and have only had one serious relationship which lasted 3 year’s. I would rather just have one relationship that will lead me to my wife than have a 100 failed one’s so i think it is a good thing you have had this rather than feel sad by it. If you truly desire marriage and feel called to it then pursue it, patience is then the hardest part for us to accept as we can do no more than pursue and pray that god lead’s us in the right direction whatever it is

 

[Blue_Horizon]

I’m not ‘pretending’ anything. My oriignal OP is what it is: a simple question about relationships. Any mention of my gender issues was done by 1ke, and I merely responded.

As to ‘hiding’ my gender identity issues, I have never made any attempt to hide them, and indeed I’ve been more open than most people about them, as any thread/post I’ve made on the subject will show. No-one ‘outed’ me because I was already out.

Even if I am transgendered, that does not somehow magically exclude me from wanting to seeking a loving relationship. Neither does having any sort of identity disorder stop me from actually HAVING a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, or even marrying them and having children.

Two-way street: many people in my life, gender issues and other personal issues aside, have betrayed my trust, treated me like dirt and generally made my life a living misery for a variety of reasons. You can understand WHY I might be a little apprehensive about being open to people.
At the same time I’ve often been secretive of certain aspects of my life because I know that I could be placed in great danger by revealing them.

It’s not a pretend topic one bit. My OP is something of quite genuine concern to me. At present, I am currently trying to balance my spirituality with my sexuality, and that is not an easy thing to do. Some people on this forum have shown me great kindness and respect for doing this, and I’m trying my best here to reciprocate that kindness.

I’m not angry at all, just trying to do the right thing.

Fact is that no-one forced you to come in here, and even if you willingly chose to read a thread, no-one forced you to reply.

Kouyate42
I do not believe you are maturely facing the issues I have raised here. I suggest that few reasonable people could agree that your question posted here is “simple” or candid given your lately identified gender issues which considerably complicate the picture. This raises the pertinent question as to why you do not see, or do not wish to see, the connection. I suggest your own exploration of this conundrum may be beneficial for you.

Quote:
I am being a bit tough on you here but I think you are caught a little in self-pity and less than honest “self-talk” which is not the way to good mental health. *Fact is that no-one forced you to come in here, and even if you willingly chose to read a thread, no-one forced you to reply. *
You’ve lost me as this seems a non-sequitor. Of course noone forced me to read or reply! What is your point?