Worried...very worried...

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Crown_of_Stars

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This topic is lengthy, and very difficult, but I thought someone might be able to offer enlightenment. I have a niece who is only five years old. Her mother has talked to me about something, which worried me, of course, but also confused me, and she is confused too. I don’t want to go into too much personal detail, for privacy reasons, but I thought it fit to ask on this forum. The little girl’s mother had found her lying in her bed the other day with her underpants pulled down. Her mother asked her what she was doing, and the little girl wouldn’t tell her. Later, the mother was giving her a bath and told her she wanted to know why her underpants had been pulled down. Then the little girl touched herself. The mother asked her if anyone had abused her, and she insisted no one has. The mother even told her that she needed to tell her the truth, that if they have, it’s all right to tell her and that no one would hurt her for telling the truth. The little girl still insisted no one did anything “bad” to her. The mother talked to me about it, and we both don’t understand, yet we believe that nothing has happened to this child. Her mother told me that she’s heard of children who “touch” without being aware that it’s something wrong, but I don’t understand how they could have knowledge of anything like this unless they have either experienced something not right, or witnessed something. Any thoughts on this would lay my concerns, as well as this girl’s mother’s worries, to rest.

Thank you,
Kathryn
 
Kathryn,

That does sound strange. I’d look into having her see a psychiatrist who works with abuse victims. Abusers don’t like their victims telling so they usually pressure them into lying for them. Some psychiatrists are trained to see through that and find out what happened. I found this site (its for the USA, but wherever she lives they probably have something similar) to help you find a professional, or could talk to her pediatrician.
aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resource_Centers/Child_Abuse_Resource_Center/Home.aspx

I hope it is just nothing. Praying.
 
Some children discover these things on their own. It does happen.

Yes. I’d think it is important to do any investigations without planting things in her mind. Amateur questioning could harm her. Proceed with care, and get advice from a few different persons with experience on the topic.
 
Perhaps a cursory physical exam by a GP could allay certain fears.

However, children can hear information from other children at daycare and school that would make your hair stand on end. Some children aren’t as protected from the media and are like curious sponges who can pass on rudimentary information to other innocent children about certain behaviours.

It might pay to ask at the daycare or school if there are any problem kids who know too much and like to talk about it.
 
Thank you, everyone, for your offered thoughts. I will take them to heart.
 
Seeing a psychologist, as well, to rule out abuse might be another option.
 
As a parent with young kids, that doesn’t sound strange to me. With boys, that sort of thing is common enough, certainly, and my daughter also had a phase where that happened to some degree. Unless you’re leaving relevant information out, I don’t see any evidence of abuse.

But I am concerned that she could feel like an awful person because of all these questions. Imagine: everyone thinks you’re doing something “so bad” that they think evil men must have abused you to give you the idea. Eeek! If I were her, I would feel awful about myself!

My wife and I have always dealt with this sort of stuff calmly, by redirecting. And our children seem perfectly comfortable with their bodies. A five year old is not capable of masturbating, but the touching can feel pretty neat. Just redirect her actions calmly and lovingly. I speak on behalf of many former children who were shamed for activities that were perfectly age appropriate and not (despite their appearances) sexual.
 
I started masturbating when I was about 5, and I was never abused. I didn’t know that what I was doing had a name and that it was a sin. It is VERY common for young kids to do it. They are not morally culpable and it is not a sign that there is something wrong with them.
 
Having known quite a number of folks who have been abused, and have seen many consequent outcomes of that abuse, I can understand your concern.

Yes, there should be some sort of ‘investigation’, BUT also be mindful of the danger of focussing the child on what might just be some ‘natural’ personal ‘exploration’ of herself.
 
I have some experience with abuse, unfortunately, because my children attended a daycare where they were abused. The owner ultimately went to jail. The manifestations of abuse, from my kids, were sleeplessness, nightmares about a “snake at the daycare” and a sudden fear of all strangers. My daughter also developed severe stomach issues complete with vomiting so she wouldn’t have to go to daycare. At least in our case, the symptoms of abuse were much more profound. I don’t think you should ignore anything, but my personal feeling is that your little girl was just doing a little exploration on her own. I remember doing the same thing when I was around 5- seemed like a good idea at the time- and got into serious trouble with my parents (which is probably why I remember it). :o. My advice is to not make a big deal about it but keep an eye on her and her interactions with people who potentially had an opportunity to abuse. Don’t lead her into thinking about abuse, but rather keep the lines of communication open and accepting. I will pray that she was just innocently exploring and that she wasn’t exposed to abuse.
 
The mother of this little girl kept her home from school today because the little girl said she felt sick. She spent the day in bed, and asked her mother for her Barbie dolls to play with. This was when she admitted to her, without the mother asking her or trying to talk to her about it, that she was afraid she wouldn’t be allowed to play with her Barbies anymore. The mother asked her why, and this was when the little girl said that the other day, when she had been playing at a friend’s house, the older sister of her playmate and the older girl’s friend had been playacting with a Barbie and Ken, and you can imagine the rest. Then she told her mother, this was why she had her underpants pulled down. The mother just hugged her and told her it was okay, that she was glad she told her the truth. The mother spoke to the other mothers of the older girls involved, and the girls have apologized. I won’t get into the rest of it, but you get the gist of it. It’s all fine now, and there are no worries. The mother, however, did have a very long talk with my niece tonight, and told her that, even though she didn’t know, what she had done was very wrong and that as good Catholics who love God, Jesus, and Mary, we don’t do those things. She told her, in a way that a child can understand, which I agree with. It doesn’t make it right at any age, whether knowing of it or not, and the little girl needs to understand, in spite of that she’s so young. The mother made her promise her that she would never do that again, and the little girl somewhat understands. She will understand fully once she is older. Things are all fine between the other mothers involved as well. These older girls understand the wrong of what they’ve done, and, ultimately, that they caused a small girl to lose her innocence. Thank you for your comments to this thread. I got sick all over again just reading through it, but knowing everything is fine has helped.

Also, I really don’t want to discuss this anymore, so could this thread be closed?
 
Crown_of_Stars said:
Also, I really don’t want to discuss this anymore, so could this thread be closed?
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Perhaps you want to pray about why you feel this way. This sort of discussion is a perfectly normal discussion parents need to have among themselves regularly.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
Perhaps you want to pray about why you feel this way. This sort of discussion is a perfectly normal discussion parents need to have among themselves regularly.
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The problem is resolved - and thank God it wasn’t anything worse. If you want to discuss it more, why not start a thread of your own? No need to be critical of the OP of this thread. :twocents:
 
3DOCTORS said:
The problem is resolved - and thank God it wasn’t anything worse. If you want to discuss it more, why not start a thread of your own? No need to be critical of the OP of this thread. :twocents:
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Thank you for your “two cents worth”, 3DOCTORS. I’m fine. And I wouldn’t say Prodigal Son was criticizing me. I’m just being truthful, though. Now that it’s fine, and it’s over, there’s no need to talk about it anymore. It was just very upsetting. But everything is fine now, and there’s no need to further discuss it, not here, nor in my real life.🙂
 
Crown_of_Stars said:
Thank you for your “two cents worth”, 3DOCTORS. I’m fine. And I wouldn’t say Prodigal Son was criticizing me. I’m just being truthful, though. Now that it’s fine, and it’s over, there’s no need to talk about it anymore. It was just very upsetting. But everything is fine now, and there’s no need to further discuss it, not here, nor in my real life.🙂
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Upon further reflection, I think I misread what Prodigal Son meant - my bad. :o But I’ll let Prodigal Son speak for him/herself on the matter if he/she so chooses so as not to put my words in someone else’s mouth.
 
EasterJoy said:
Some children discover these things on their own. It does happen.

Yes. I’d think it is important to do any investigations without planting things in her mind. Amateur questioning could harm her. Proceed with care, and get advice from a few different persons with experience on the topic.
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Yes this is a good answer, all parents should be aware of where their children are, who they are with, and what their doing, yes children can discover these thing by themselves,
They can become aware , Be cautious with amature questioning as Easter Joy Says,
 
Crown_of_Stars said:
The mother of this little girl kept her home from school today because the little girl said she felt sick. She spent the day in bed, and asked her mother for her Barbie dolls to play with. This was when she admitted to her, without the mother asking her or trying to talk to her about it, that she was afraid she wouldn’t be allowed to play with her Barbies anymore. The mother asked her why, and this was when the little girl said that the other day, when she had been playing at a friend’s house, the older sister of her playmate and the older girl’s friend had been playacting with a Barbie and Ken, and you can imagine the rest. Then she told her mother, this was why she had her underpants pulled down. The mother just hugged her and told her it was okay, that she was glad she told her the truth. The mother spoke to the other mothers of the older girls involved, and the girls have apologized. I won’t get into the rest of it, but you get the gist of it. It’s all fine now, and there are no worries. The mother, however, did have a very long talk with my niece tonight, and told her that, even though she didn’t know, what she had done was very wrong and that as good Catholics who love God, Jesus, and Mary, we don’t do those things. She told her, in a way that a child can understand, which I agree with. It doesn’t make it right at any age, whether knowing of it or not, and the little girl needs to understand, in spite of that she’s so young. The mother made her promise her that she would never do that again, and the little girl somewhat understands. She will understand fully once she is older. Things are all fine between the other mothers involved as well. These older girls understand the wrong of what they’ve done, and, ultimately, that they caused a small girl to lose her innocence. Thank you for your comments to this thread. I got sick all over again just reading through it, but knowing everything is fine has helped.

Also, I really don’t want to discuss this anymore, so could this thread be closed?
Click to expand...
Thank you for that I think your friend dealt with this in a very loving way. As a mother of three young children I am very determined to teach them that touching themselves in an inappropriate and sinful way is wrong, but I do want to do this in a loving and age appropriate way.
 
Prodigal_Son said:
As a parent with young kids, that doesn’t sound strange to me. With boys, that sort of thing is common enough, certainly, and my daughter also had a phase where that happened to some degree. Unless you’re leaving relevant information out, I don’t see any evidence of abuse.

But I am concerned that she could feel like an awful person because of all these questions. Imagine: everyone thinks you’re doing something “so bad” that they think evil men must have abused you to give you the idea. Eeek! If I were her, I would feel awful about myself!

My wife and I have always dealt with this sort of stuff calmly, by redirecting. And our children seem perfectly comfortable with their bodies. A five year old is not capable of masturbating, but the touching can feel pretty neat. Just redirect her actions calmly and lovingly. I speak on behalf of many former children who were shamed for activities that were perfectly age appropriate and not (despite their appearances) sexual.
Click to expand...
This 👍
 
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