Worries with my older Sister- need some advice

[alice24]

Hello
I have some problems with my older sister, because of her moral beliefs, and I would be very happy to get some advice. I didn´t post for a long time, so here are some basic information about me and the situation:
I´am 20 years old, my sister is 10 years older than me. She is my only sister, I love her very much, the first word I said as a baby was her name. But we become very different girls when we grow up. I come from an non-catholic, mixed cultural family. My mum is grown up very catholic, but we have not been raised religious. For myself, I am not part of a church, but I agree with the moral beliefs of the church in most cases. I am engaged an we will marry orthodox soon. I have always been more traditional in my chosen way of life than my sister.
My sister is completely different. She is very radical feministic in her way of life, and she isn´t very tolerant to my way of life. For her, I am a weak, repressed young women ( who knows me really would laugh very loud now, I am self confident and temperamented) just because of my imagination of honor and moral. She don´t respect my way of life, and this fact means high stress for a realtionship. We divide apart more and more.
Now I talked with her after a long time- and was shocked. She told me she wants a baby. But without a father, she told me she is thinking of a sperm donation.
Now I am sitting here and don´t know what to do, I really detest such a decision, such a way of life, but she is not open formy view. I will meet my mum today, I feel very sad, I don´t know if I should tell her this. I think she would be as shocked as I have been.
How should I deal with the situation? I don´t know how to hold on an helathy sister-relationship to her with this differences. I would be very thankful for some advice, I wish you all an nice friday,
Alice

 

[TheRealJuliane]

What a nightmare. I am so sorry that your sister is so selfish as to purposely bring a child into the world without a known father. It’s like a type of possession or a pet. “I want it, so I’m going to have it, period.” Even if your sister has chosen a life that doesn’t include a husband, she still thinks she is entitled to have a child if she wants one.

All I can advise is that you tell her that you think what she is doing is wrong, but that you still love her as your sister. That you would tell her the same thing about any number of other decisions she might make, such as a job that wasn’t a good place to work, or moving to a location that would be unsafe She may still not want to hear your feedback, but you can’t just stay silent and let her think that you approve of what she is doing.

I am not sure if I would advise telling your mother. I would tell your sister that she needs to tell your mother, but I’m not sure I would get in the middle of it (the psychological term is “triangulate”). She may tell your mother or maybe already has.

There is little you can do in any case, if she decides to do this. What a shame. :nope::imsorry:

 

[Margarete_Faust]

Why don’t you encourage her to adopt a baby? I am a female who would love to have her own progeny, but I still think it would be far better for a single woman to raise an orphan than to create one via artificial insemination. I have told myself that if I reach age 35 without a husband, I would at least try to help a child without a parent. Perhaps your sister would be open to that idea, and it would steer her away from trying to have her own fatherless child. As much as it would be nice for a child without parents to have a home with two parents, one is still much better than none.

It is great that she wants to be a mother (and I hope she is doing it for the right reasons). If she is doing it for the wrong reasons (because all of her friends are having kids, etc), I would try to dissuade her away from it. It might cause a rift. Believe me, I am almost positive I will face the same thing with my older sister in 5 years or so (she is 27 and has been hinting at moving on to the next phases of life even though she is clearly not ready and does not think things through from a moral perspective). If she still goes through with it, maintain the ties and simply be a great aunt to the child.

Viel Glück!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you cannot bring yourself to hold your tongue than I would recommend gently giving your opinion once. Only once. And I would definitely leave out the part about her being selfish.

If she does this she will do it with or without your blessing, and the child that is born will be your niece or nephew. Making it clear to her that you think that her child is a mistake at best, a moral abomination at worst will ensure that you do not have a relationship with that child, much less your sister. And once your mother holds her grandchild for the first time she won’t be taking your side either.

 

[crystal_waters]

You and your mum are gonna have to tread carefully,one wrong word and she may cut you out of her and the future babies life…isnt there anybody she respects and looks up to who could talk to her?

 

[alice24]

Hello,

Thanks to all of you for your response and advice. Well, as I met my mother, I hadn´t really a choice to tell or not to tell her, she asked me how my sister is und noticed I had worries mith her,so I tried to tell her about the general problems without to much detail , but then she told me that my sister already told her a few weeks ago that she wants a baby without a real relationship to a man, my mum said she was shocked, but she said she didn´t knew that my sister is really planing this. I haven´t talked with my sister since we discussed the theme, I ´ll try to be open minded when she will call me next, but also to say my clear and direct opinion. I feel I need to do this, I don´t think it will help, but I hae to try my best. I think she will broke with me for a time, but when she tells me all these details I can´t say nothing or “you´re right” all the time.I want her to be lucky, but I can´t let her cause problems in the next generation of our family without leaing a comment.
@ crystal waters : Unfortunately, her close friends are all sharing her opinion and her way of life, she won´t get any critical words from them…I see her friends sometimes posting articles on facebook for example and all the stuff is in this hyper-feministic, pro-homosexual style, I can´t hope that they would think differnet than her…
@ Margarete Faust : In general I really like your Idea- giving a child a home who is without mother and fahther is a benefit for all sides, the women with the baby-wish and the child, but in germany this is not possible. The rules for a person who wants to adopt are very strict ( and her life situation isn´t really good for a child. she didn´t finished her studies, has no job at the moment, lives in a flat share with some friends…), so this is no opinion for her…
But I thank you for your gentle advice- and the german greeting