Worth starting a relationship when aware of own unreadiness?

[DL82]

OK, I’m a 27-year-old convert to Catholicism, I know that in my teens and early 20s I didn’t act the way a man ought to, and am still working through a lot of issues and, with the grace of God and much prayer, overcoming them, learning to become a man.

When I was 25 I was engaged, but my emotional and sexual immaturity, as well as my fiancee’s, if I’m honest, and I’m sure she’d agree if I could talk to her about it, led to us breaking up.

I’m starting to feel too old, like if I leave off marriage much longer it will slip out of my grasp forever. I still feel drawn towards my ex, not just emotionally, but in the sense that I feel called to bring out the best in her, and know she brings out the best in me (we led eachother to the Catholic Church, for a start!) Anyway, I know I couldn’t marry yet, and I know I’m not the man, not the knight of faith that I want to be and feel called to be.

Truth is, I might never be fully that man until the day I die. To quote Bl Cardinal Newman “to live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed much”. I want that perfection, but I don’t know whether I ought to put off starting a relationship, either with my ex or with someone else, until I’ve achieved it?

Is it enough for us to acknowledge our own incompleteness before starting a relationship, and then moving slowly as we still work out our ‘issues’ together before being ready for marriage, or should I leave the whole idea of dating women well alone until I’m completely sure I’m ready to give my whole self in the love that befits a real man and a real woman?

I feel like any woman I care about enough to want to be with deserves a real man, not the work-in-progress that I still am. At the same time, I have also heard it said that a feeling of unworthiness to a calling (usually said about the priesthood) is often a sure sign of that calling, is the same true of the call to marriage?

 

[EmBee]

I think I’m too young to be giving you major advice, but I do want to say that everyone is a “work in progress”! Don’t place yourself up against standards you can’t possibly acheive in this life. None of us will completely realize our true potential until we’re home with our Father.

That being said, emotional and sexual maturity are important to a healthy relationship; I think the fact that you recognize your shortcomings in these areas shows a certain measure of maturity on your part! If you feel you need help, why not join a faith formation organization at your Church? My parish has several groups for single persons in their 20’s and 30’s and also a group just for men. Also, who are your friends? Are they good helping you be the best man you can be? How about male role-models in your life?

I can’t begin to know what to say about your previous relationship. Certainly breaking an engagement is hard on both parties, although I imagine it being particularly hard on the woman (or at least, it would be that way for me!). Perhaps if you two are meant to be together, you’ll find one another again in the future, but I think trying to reconnect with her before you’re ready and not knowing her personal situation may cause both of you even more pain. Work on yourself, but again, try not to set standards so high that you’ll never be able to reach them!

–

 

[dulcissima]

You are 27, and you really need to lighten up. Go out with a variety of women, with your only expectation being that maybe you will make some friends.

Men do seem to have biological time clocks, and believe me, women can be scared off by that intensity. Getting married is serious business, but dating shouldn’t be so torturous.

 

[littlepreo]

Take some time to study Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II. I would recommend a great book called “The Good News about Sex and Marriage.” by Christopher West. Its an easier-to-read version of JPII’s Theology of the Body. I’m telling you this stuff is powerful. If you guard yourself with truth, I think you will be more confident in your decisions!

-mike

 

[chevalier]

I agree with EmBee that everyone is a work in progress. If you want to be consequent in what Card. Newman said, then to stop changing is to stop living. Therefore you’d always need to change as long as you lived. This also means that you cannot achieve such perfection that you wouldn’t be able to perfect it more.

As for other aspects of unreadiness, feelings for an ex might be a deterrent. Your situation with your ex should generally be resolved before you commit to a different woman. The second commitment is not absolute until you marry, but the person deserves not to be treated as a mere object and therefore she may not serve to fulfil your ambitions or young longings or your designs or proof of your ideas. You will both unite in the goal which is marriage - or the goals of marriage - which will mean that you will subject yourselves to it and, in consequence, in a certain way to each other - but she, the girl, may not be a tool for you.

Strictly speaking, it doesn’t necessarily follow that if you have feelings for your ex, then the next girl is a tool. However, it may follow that as a replacement, she is a second best, which is not a full expression of her worth as a person. Now feelings alone do not necessitate this since some feelings last for the whole life and don’t destruct marriages. However, a person who is a replacement is generally a tool in so far as the goal is replacing a person that is gone. That is not good. In short, you need to be ready to accept the new girl for what she is and for who she is without her being a replacement for your ex.

This is just a reflection influenced by just having started reading John Paul II’s *Love and responsibility *on the instigation of my father. Maybe you’d like to take a look as well.

 

[Sillara]

You are 27, and you really need to lighten up. Go out with a variety of women, with your only expectation being that maybe you will make some friends.

Men do seem to have biological time clocks, and believe me, women can be scared off by that intensity. Getting married is serious business, but dating shouldn’t be so torturous.

Actually, dating should serve the purpose of attempting to find a spouse. Anything else is, at best, counterproductive.

And being 27 is definitely time to take serious stock of what you are doing. Our current cultural climate tends to encourage immaturity, and I think the OP’s thoughts about his state in life are a good sign that he is NOT immature. OP, don’t look back! You’re on a good road!

 

[dulcissima]

Actually, dating should serve the purpose of attempting to find a spouse. Anything else is, at best, counterproductive.

And being 27 is definitely time to take serious stock of what you are doing. Our current cultural climate tends to encourage immaturity, and I think the OP’s thoughts about his state in life are a good sign that he is NOT immature. OP, don’t look back! You’re on a good road!

My advice is based on having read his posts for sometime. He is way overthinking things and being way too hard on himself.

The purpose of dating is to find a spouse, but you need to go into more relaxed, not immediately analyzing yourself and your date for readiness and suitability for marriage.

I’ve read enough of the OP’s posts to know that he has a really good grasp on what is important. He needs to stop beating himself up and just open himself up to enjoying life a little.

 

[DL82]

My advice is based on having read his posts for sometime. He is way overthinking things and being way too hard on himself.

The purpose of dating is to find a spouse, but you need to go into more relaxed, not immediately analyzing yourself and your date for readiness and suitability for marriage.

I’ve read enough of the OP’s posts to know that he has a really good grasp on what is important. He needs to stop beating himself up and just open himself up to enjoying life a little.

Thanks. I appreciate that. I think that was one of the things that annoyed my ex so much, I was never able to switch off my mind and just enjoy the moment.

I’ve decided I’m going to send her a rose and an encouraging message on Valentine’s - not a ‘take me back’ message, just something that might help her see that I’m not the desperate guy who kept begging for her back in the past. If that doesn’t bear fruit, then that’s it, last chance. Thanks to all for the advice.

 

[chevalier]

If you have that kind of feelings and a living memory of your ex, you should skip the other women, I think. You’re a tough guy, so you can be told this. Just don’t get your hopes too high and be prepared to move on.

As for switching your mind off and enjoying the moment, I’m of a mixed mind on that issue. I don’t ever like to switch my mind off, although occasionally I might stop wondering and thinking about stuff. But when one switches his mind off, one relinquishes a good deal of control. This isn’t always good. We have reason for a reason. That reason isn’t so that we could split hairs, but it isn’t so that we would pretend we don’t have it, either. BTW, I have a similar “problem”. Makes it difficult to fall for someone. Which isn’t probably bad.

 

[blue_skies_1]

Thanks. I appreciate that. I think that was one of the things that annoyed my ex so much, I was never able to switch off my mind and just enjoy the moment.

I’ve decided I’m going to send her a rose and an encouraging message on Valentine’s - not a ‘take me back’ message, just something that might help her see that I’m not the desperate guy who kept begging for her back in the past. If that doesn’t bear fruit, then that’s it, last chance. Thanks to all for the advice.

Good luck with this! I do hope something good comes from it - well, the way I see it, even if you do get rejected or ignored this final time some good will come of it if you are able to move on… I agree with your assessment that if it doesn’t work this time, it’s better to just get on with your life. All it means is that there is someone out there who is even better for you! Try not to hold onto the past too much, I know that can be difficult.
Good luck!

 

[Katie1723]

OK,
I’m starting to feel too old, like if I leave off marriage much longer it will slip out of my grasp forever. …?

You feel too old at 27??? Goodness…you need to relax …

Kathy

 

[puzzleannie]

I think this takes discernment like any other vocations question. Begin by asking yourself precisely why a 27 year old man in an established career, education completed, no personality defects, living a good Christian life, is not ready for marriage. Begin by asking, what on earth is this guy waiting for, what does he think will happen over the course of a few years to make him miraculously “ready.” I am not being facetious. Go over in your mind, or in your journal if you are so inclined the precise definite specific reasons why you feel unready for marriage. Then determine what it would take for that specific reason to be addressed, and go after that item. and so forth.

 

[monicatholic]

all good comments.

I feel like any woman I care about enough to want to be with deserves a real man, not the work-in-progress that I still am.

i’m married to a real man, a work in progress, for 20 years. he’s imperfect. did i deserve perfect? did i expect perfect?

he’s a real man because he admits his faults and recommits himself to discipleship of Jesus regularly.

our vocation is to help each other achieve heaven. if he were perfect, i’d have no vocation! (he certainly has no fear of running out of vocation with me, either!)

 

[dulcissima]

all good comments.

i’m married to a real man, a work in progress, for 20 years. he’s imperfect. did i deserve perfect? did i expect perfect?

he’s a real man because he admits his faults and recommits himself to discipleship of Jesus regularly.

our vocation is to help each other achieve heaven. if he were perfect, i’d have no vocation! (he certainly has no fear of running out of vocation with me, either!)

Very well said, monicatholic, and that is precisely what I value about my boyfriend, that he is able to reflect on things and recognize his own shortcomings.

I’ll just add, that I also liked that he was in no hurry to jump into a relationship. I really appreciated that he took the time to get to know me as real person before reaching any conclusions about where we were headed. I think just being open like that made getting to know each other more relaxed and natural.